Never Enough

by Alexandra Caluen

  Victor shook his head slightly. “You kissed me.” He was sweaty and sticky, and his back was aching. From fatigue, and from being pinned down during that climax. He needed to stretch. He didn’t want to move.

  “I always will.” Andy kissed him again. “Be right back.” He didn’t want to move but his movie star deserved some after-care. He pried himself off the bed and went to the bathroom, came back with a warm damp washcloth to wipe off Victor’s belly and legs. Gently applied a little oil to both of them.

  He felt a hundred years old, and he’d never seen his husband look so tired.

  Once he was in bed again he kissed Victor’s cheek. “Going to sleep now?”

  “Mmm. Did you actually bite me?” A faint smile.

  Andy checked the damage. The answer was yes. “Didn’t break the skin.”

  He touched the marks on Victor’s chest, collarbone, neck, mouth. “Melissa’s not going to be in much doubt what you were up to tonight.”

  “What I was up to.” Victor turned his face into the curve of Andy’s neck, pulling their bodies close together again. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Go to sleep.”

  The day of catnaps didn’t keep Andy from sleeping. He woke before Victor. Hmm, how to get out of this situation. They were very tangled up.

  That didn’t happen often, but after the past forty-eight hours it wasn’t too surprising. He managed to extract himself without waking his husband. Went to the bathroom, placed a quiet call for room service, got more or less dressed. Left a note, and went to take Molly out. When he brought her back, Victor was up and moving. Molly acted like she hadn’t seen him for weeks.

  “This dog,” he said, amused. “You are why people love dogs.” He got down on the floor with her for a minute. “Always so happy to see me. Best girl.”

  Still hugging Molly, he looked up at Andy. “I wish I could stay here with you today.”

  “You have to go be a movie star.” He touched Victor’s bruised mouth. “I really did a number on you last night.”

  “I wanted it.”

  “Yeah, I noticed.” Someone knocked on the door. Andy went to answer it, and let their breakfast come in. Once that was managed, Victor stood up and went to wash his hands.

  While they ate, they talked about the schedule for the last four weeks of filming. Victor was hoping Andy would stay for the entire time. They had two weeks more in the Poconos, then two weeks in the Catskills. “It should get easier pretty much by the day,” he said hopefully. “Most of the action stuff is done.”

  “Well, you’ve got plenty of sneaking around to do.” Andy thought about the shooting script. “Car chase, right? Some business in the lake.”

  “Always with the water on this series.” The first movie had required action scenes in and around Long Beach. The second had extensive action out on the water around Miami. This time it was lakes. “At least this lake shouldn’t be as cold as Michigan.”

  “Or Superior. Did I show you the face Molly made when she stepped into it?” Victor shook his head. That had been one of Andy’s side trips, a ‘see every Great Lake’ thing. Andy went to get his phone. He pulled up the picture of a very shocked and betrayed dog. Victor stifled a laugh. “I sent this to Niall and Geoffrey. They got in touch after their book came in.”

  “That was nice of you, to put that together and send it. I don’t know where you found the time.”

  “Well, my red-hot lover was out of town,” Andy said lightly. “All I had was the Swan Dive to keep me busy.” Victor rolled his eyes. Andy checked the time. “They have a contact there in the art business. He’s also in the porn business, but on the legit side he says he wants to bring the Shakespeare show to London whenever it’s done.”

  Victor sat back, surprised. “Well, wow. That’s kind of cool.”

  “That’s what I thought. Those guys showed him their book and

  apparently he said some nice things.”

  “I’m sure he did.” Victor tilted his head. “Porn, huh.”

  Andy read his mind. “I’ll show you his website when you get back tonight. It’s amazingly classy.” Victor laughed. Then there was another knock, and it was time for him to go. Andy said, projecting it to the hall,

  “He’ll be right out.”

  Victor stood up, ran a hand through Andy’s hair, bent and kissed him. “I love you. Thank you for last night. Thanks for staying.”

  Andy caught his wrist. “Hey. We are married. We stay, okay? That’s what that means. I love you.” Victor kissed him again. “And don’t worry, I’m here for the duration. Go do your thing.”

  Andy didn’t try to talk about things any more that night. Neither did Victor. Instead they looked at the porn site, liked it enough to subscribe, got inspired, and wore each other out. It was two days later when Victor said, “I owe you such a huge apology.”

  “You’ve been apologizing.”

  “I don’t even know how to. I don’t want to justify that awful shit I said.

  Vicky told me not to.”

  “What did she say?” Victor didn’t answer, only got his phone and pulled up the whole exchange. Andy read it, thought oh crap, and said, “Now I feel like a dick for not answering your texts. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to scare you. I’m sorry I did.”

  “I deserved it.”

  “No,” Andy said, handing the phone back and getting Victor’s full attention. “No, you did not. You said stuff, you regretted it, you apologized.

  Me not answering was a dick move. By the time you sent that first text I’d been thinking all night and I thought I knew what set you off and I thought I knew how to solve it. But you were working, and it wasn’t something we could solve via text, and I’m basically a bitch. So I didn’t send back even a simple, you know, thanks for the apology we’ll talk later.”

  Victor looked away. “I was so scared.”

  “I didn’t mean to scare you. Look, I was hurt. I wanted you to suffer a little. But not like that, so I’m sorry. Come on, let’s do this.” He gestured to the couch. Victor sat down. “There is a thing I thought of saying to you way

  back on that first vacation, when we went up the coast. When we got these.”

  He lifted his left hand, the one with the stylized eagle-feather wristband tattoo. “As usual, we got busy doing other things and I never did say this. But listen.” He paused, gaze locked with Victor’s. “You are the one and only, the one I wanted all my life, the one I will never leave.” Victor’s eyes were wet.

  So were Andy’s. “Never. I love you.”

  “I love you.” Victor’s voice was husky, but not in the way that signaled arousal. Neither of them moved.

  Andy cleared his throat, taking a moment to call up the thoughts he’d had recently. “We never talked much about my history. Maybe we should have. But we have time to deal with it now so here we go. I was with a lot of people. Not an egregious number of people, but from fourteen to forty-six is a lot of years. I left all those people, or they left me, for a lot of different reasons. When I left it was because I knew that person wasn’t right for me.

  That’s exactly what’s supposed to happen.” He thought Victor didn’t quite understand. “Hang on.” Andy went to the room phone, called down for a bottle of rum, and then leaned on the wall to wait for it. “Okay, case in point.

  Alonzo. We hooked up after I left someone I’d lived with for a while. I left that guy because he cheated.” Victor’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, fuck him. Al and I never lived together, we weren’t even in the same city for the whole time we were hooking up. He went back to Miami – we never knew each other there, we met in New York – and he wanted me to move there so we could be together. I didn’t want to live there again. Whenever I had to stop dancing, I wanted to be somewhere no-one knew me as a dancer.”

  “Honey,” Victor said, suppressing a smile, “you fucked that up.”

  “Jesus, I know. It’s all your fault, and thanks for that by the way.”

  “You’re welc
ome. I left people too. I left them the way I left you, after one fuck.”

  Andy gave him a look. “That wasn’t one fuck.”

  “No, okay. That was a whole night, the best night of my life. I hated walking out of your place. I sat in my car and thought, I have to go back up, would he even let me in, how the fuck do I excuse that. Explain that. I couldn’t think of a way. There was my mother, dying back in Mexico, and she didn’t know.”

  “I understand. I truly do.” They gazed at each other for half a minute.

  Then the knock came, and the rum. Andy thanked the person delivering it,

  and double-locked the door again. He poured them each a couple ounces and handed a glass to Victor. “Salud.”

  “Salud.” Victor sipped, grimaced, sipped again.

  “So sweetheart.” Andy sat cross-legged on the bed, staring at Victor. “I understand why you weren’t out. You had a family reason, you had a cultural reason, and you had a career reason. You were eighteen years in and starting to get noticed. Not only fully-employed, which is rare enough for someone like us, but noticed. When we first met I thought Jesus, what a fox, but I didn’t even consider trying to vibe you because I was there to do a job and so were you.”

  “You didn’t have to vibe me. I was looking at you with those lights in my eyes thinking, you know, why now. Why this one. I might never see him again. It was a horrible thought.”

  “And then you decided to get that tattoo.”

  “Somebody referred me to Lola, and there you were.”

  “At a funeral for a fucking cat.” That event had been a community send-off for a respected adversary, rather than a beloved pet.

  Victor almost laughed. “Standing there in those shorts. Looking the way you do, with that floodlight from the side of the building. It should have looked like a prison yard and instead it was like you were in a spotlight. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t resist. I had to try.”

  “And because I’m a tramp I took you right upstairs.”

  “You took me all right.” Victor sucked in a breath at the memory. Then, because if they kept going this way they were going to be in bed again and they still had words to say, he tracked back. “Okay. So the reason I never had a relationship was because I put my career and my family first. I only fucked people I didn’t care about, people who didn’t know me. I felt like I couldn’t risk getting to know someone, letting someone know too much about me.”

  Except by the time he’d left he’d handed Andy his whole life. “Until you.”

  Andy remembered that too. “I told you you shouldn’t sign that photo release.”

  “Maybe I thought if you blew it open, I deserved it. Maybe I wanted you to, so I would have to face it once and for all.” Victor saw in Andy’s face that he’d already thought of that.

  “You were under a lot of stress. It’s a very rare person who can be

  celibate. I couldn’t.” Not until I had a reason to be.

  “How often,” Victor began, then stopped.

  Andy read his mind. “How often was I with someone only for sex?”

  Victor nodded. “A lot. It was always out in the open. Like, I can’t stand doing this for myself for another day, are you okay with that. And sometimes the guy would say no, fuck off. But a lot of times the guy would say that’s fine, me too. These were mostly guys I already knew. I wasn’t finding a new guy every time.”

  “I never went back to anyone. I was afraid if I did that, it would turn into a relationship, and it would blow open.” Victor sighed.

  There was something Andy thought he needed to suggest, even though he really hoped the suggestion would be rejected. “Do you want to open it up?” Victor looked startled. “I mean, if I live as long as Pop that’s twenty-eight more years of only me. If you want to look outside for a while. Maybe you need another year.”

  “What are you saying.” Victor felt cold.

  “If you want to see other people. So you don’t feel like you’re missing out. You can do that. As long as you play safe. I want you all to myself, I always have, but only if you’re happy that way.” Andy hated to say it. Had to add, “One-time offer, though, catnip.”

  Victor stood up, paced halfway across the room and back. Went to the rum bottle and poured some more, tossed it back, coughed. He set down the glass carefully. He didn’t know how to feel. He knew the offer had to cost Andy. Didn’t know if Andy had any idea how much it hurt to hear it. “Can you honestly think I want anyone else?”

  Andy breathed for the first time in what felt like a year. “No, I don’t honestly think that. I’m sorry, I know that pushed a lot of buttons. I hate the very idea of it. But I needed you to reject it.”

  “You sadistic son of a bitch.” Victor came over fast, wrapped his hand around the back of Andy’s neck, and went in for a hard kiss. “I reject it. I reject the fuck out of it. I want you, always you, only you. You’re everything.” Andy dropped his glass. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor with a clunk. Neither of them heard it.

  Chapter 8

  July 2019

  Andy caught up with Dana while Victor was out on location the next day: This time zone thing is a pain in the ass, are you working? She shouldn’t have been working at all, but her stupid show had been especially stupid.

  Some essential material for the coming season had to be shot during what should have been everyone’s summer break.

  Her reply came right back: Nope, on set but nothing to do for two hours at least. There seems to be a problem with the guest star What kind of problem

  The can’t remember shit kind of problem

  LOL sorry to hear that. So the boy toy and I have patched it up. Tell the others plz

  Glad to hear it, will do. Some talk and not only action I hope Lots of talk. Serious talk. Andy thought briefly about summarizing it, decided that could wait till they were all face to face and possibly shitfaced.

  Bottom line, he was tired, I was self-involved. This was at least half my fault Andy you just lost your father, give yourself a break He was relieved to get her permission. Yeah okay. Anyway things are good here. Did you and Rory decide on your Shakespeare characters yet?

  We are leaning toward Midsummer Night’s Dream because fairies ROFLMAO naked fairies?

  Uh let me read the thing again. You made those guys look so gorgeous They are already gorgeous and so are you & Rory. Oh and when the whole thing is done, I may get to take it to London. The Tempest guys know a guy

  How fuckin cool is that?!

  I know!! Andy giggled, wondering if he should tell her the guy ran a porn site. That should maybe also wait until they were shitfaced. I need to get in touch with the guy actually. So I’ll let you go. Hope your guest star locates a functioning brain cell

  If he doesn’t we’re going to be here till midnight. OXO

  OXO yourself. Andy disconnected, took off his reading glasses, and

  looked around to see what Molly was doing. The answer, not surprisingly, was ‘napping.’ She was in the shade of a big evergreen behind the hotel. He was on the deck by the pool, under a patio umbrella. He squinted up at the sky, which seemed to be threatening rain. If it rained, the day’s shoot would have to shut down, and Victor would be back early. The downside of that was they’d have to either cram the rest of today’s work into another non-rainy day, or push the schedule. “Do not rain,” he told the sky, and set down his phone. Molly raised her head when he spoke. “Hi best girl. Keep on napping.

  I’m going inside for a thing, be right back.” As if she understood, she put her head down. Andy laughed to himself and went in for his tablet and a cup of coffee. When he returned to the deck, Molly came up to join him. He gave her a treat. “You are the greatest dog in the history of dogs. Yes you are. Yes you’re a good girl. You’re the best girl. Thank you for the kisses.” Andy wiped his face. Molly settled behind his lounger with a contented sigh. He woke up his tablet and found the email from the porn guy.

  Dear Mr. Martin,

  Upon
receipt of your subscription I took the liberty of contacting Mr. Niall Phelps, who assures me that your email address is in fact that of the artist responsible for ‘A Tempest.’ Brilliant work as I’m sure you know. Have Mr. Phelps or Mr. Anand hinted at my thoughts anent bringing the work to London?

  I have recently taken action to drag my mode of conveyance of filth at least two steps from the gutter. I can provide references from the legitimate art world. Not to put too fine a point on it, I want to be in business with you. Should this be of interest you may reach me at this address or at the number given below.

  Yours most sincerely,

  Reggie Galant

  Niall and Geoffrey had, of course, been in touch. According to Geoffrey, the AT YOUR SERVICE website had recently undergone a major transformation.

  He also said that he and Niall were engaging Reggie to paint a portrait, which told Andy a lot. It was one thing for a writer of M/M romantic suspense to give an interview to a gay porn site. That had probably been a good business move. To then follow up by writing ‘letters from the road’ for the site’s subscribers – the teasers alone were hot as hell - said that Geoffrey liked

  working with Reggie. The interviews Geoffrey and Janis had given the site indicated that all three of those friends trusted the guy. Andy had enjoyed working with Geoffrey and Niall. Therefore, in the spirit of ‘if they like him I’ll probably like him,’ he wrote back.

  Dear Mr. Galant,

  Thanks very much for your letter. Niall & Geoffrey did confess to showing you ‘A Tempest.’ Did they mention those pictures are going to be the centerpiece of a much larger show? My husband and I have been developing the concept and I’ll start shooting when we get back to L.A.

  next month. All based on text from the plays, characters slash or gender-bent or otherwise twisted.