Christmas by the Lighthouse

by Rebecca Boxall

  ‘And how are you feeling? You look great!’

  ‘More side effects than I’d expected, but over the next few months I should gradually start to feel better and, with any luck, I won’t be struck down with any more horrendous headaches.’

  ‘Oh Jude! It’s just so unbelievable! Let me know as soon as you have a date for your return and I’ll start getting everything ready for a hero’s welcome.’

  ‘A hero? Hardly! But thank you, Summer. I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘Me too,’ Summer agreed. ‘No more partings, okay? I can’t take any more!’

  Jude laughed. ‘Promise,’ he said, and a week later, as hoped, he returned.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  JERSEY, NOVEMBER

  SUMMER

  Jude’s recovery was slow. Three steps forward, two steps back, just as Mr Tremblay had predicted. Summer was there for him throughout this period and after a couple of months he was a lot stronger. His hair had grown a little, too, so the staples were less visible. As soon as he’d returned in September, Vita and Frank had said their goodbyes, unusually tactful. They’d left their van at Mandla and booked themselves flights to India, where they planned to meet up with Sylvie. Jude’s parents had returned to Australia in early October and finally he and Summer were alone again.

  During the recovery period, by some kind of unspoken agreement, Jude and Summer lived very much in the moment, neither quite ready to discuss the future until they could be sure Jude really was improving. But in November, Jude went to see Mr Vibert for a further scan and was given a cautious all-clear – he would have to return for scans at six-month intervals, as no one seemed to trust these brain tumours. Also, Summer couldn’t ignore for much longer the fact that her six-month marital break was almost at an end.

  After the scan, in the evening, they lit the log burner and opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate Jude’s news. Summer was sitting at his feet by the fire when he posed the question she’d been expecting.

  ‘When are you going to tell Seth?’ he asked.

  ‘Oh, I . . . I can’t quite decide. Maybe tomorrow?’

  ‘You don’t sound too sure.’

  ‘I’m just . . . I mean, I know I was always going to end it with him, and I know the six-month break is nearly over, but it’s just . . . I’m not sure how to explain . . .’

  ‘What’s the problem? You were going to finish with Seth and be alone so surely it’s easier to end things now you know you’re going to be with me?’ Jude asked.

  ‘I guess it’s just that we have so much history – the boys, for one thing. I know he’s been having an affair with Barbara and obviously I’ve been with you but, despite everything, it’s still a big deal . . .’

  Jude looked stung, as if Summer’s words were a slap round the face. ‘Well, don’t let me stop you going back to him if it’s too big a deal! Have I been really stupid here? Did you never actually plan to leave him at all? Perhaps you were just going to have your fun with me, then head back when the six-month break was over.’ His voice was hoarse with emotion.

  ‘No, Jude, of course not!’ Summer cried, but it was clear Jude was now deaf to any reasoning she might try. ‘Wait!’ she shouted as Jude stormed towards the kitchen. He left, letting the front door slam in the age-old tradition of domestics.

  Summer felt awful. To have ruined everything with her hesitance about contacting Seth to finish things for good. But she also felt a little concerned about seeing this other side of Jude – she’d never experienced him storming off like a child before, without giving her a chance to explain. She felt bad, but she also felt angry.

  And anyway, he was wrong. She was well and truly over Seth. She wanted nothing more than to be with Jude, but severing a relationship of more than twenty years was a big deal. Why couldn’t he understand that? But then he’d never had a long-term relationship, had he? He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like.

  The whole situation was horribly unsettling, but Summer’s worries didn’t end there. At the back of her mind was something else that Jude had mentioned the very first day Mr Vibert had given him hope by telling him about his surgeon friend in Canada. He wanted a baby, he’d told her – If by any chance this guy in Canada can cure me – I’d really like to have a baby, he’d said.

  But Summer knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she didn’t ever want to have another child.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  JERSEY, NOVEMBER

  JUDE

  He thought he’d drive back to his own flat and spend the night there, but then realised he’d had far too much to drink. Instead, he took his trainers off and left them by his car and then stumbled through the icy darkness towards the beach, guided only by the moonlight. He reached the bay and came upon an illuminated rock. He sat on it and finally his breathing began to steady. He could hear the gentle swoosh of the incoming tide, but other than that there was no noise. The beach felt different at night. It was like being on another planet.

  He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. A salty, seaweedy scent that soothed and sobered him. Perhaps his reaction had been an inevitable outcome of such a highly charged day. Jude thought about it now and realised he’d been quite unreasonable.

  Of course it was going to be hard for Summer to cut all ties with Seth after twenty years together. It was his inherent insecurity getting the better of him, making him jump to stupid conclusions. He was ashamed of himself. But then, perhaps in some strange way it had been a good thing – to have a row of sorts. There was always going to be a first time and now it was done. Over. Though the longer he stayed out there, the longer it would continue in Summer’s mind. He must get back to her. Make it all better. Jude jumped up and ran all the way back to the cottage. He found Summer propped up in bed, reading her book. Her face – make-up free and wearing her rather battered glasses – looked touchingly vulnerable.

  ‘Summer, I’m so sorry,’ Jude said immediately. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I was being pathetic and insecure and a little bit drunk. Forgive me?’ he asked.

  Summer looked hurt. ‘Jude, you didn’t even hear me out. It wasn’t fair . . .’

  ‘I know. I’m so ashamed of myself.’ Jude hung his head. After a moment, Summer sighed.

  ‘The truth is,’ she said, ‘I don’t know why I haven’t told Seth already, other than I know it’s going to open a can of worms and all be terribly dramatic and I don’t want that to impinge on our celebrations.’

  ‘Then don’t tell him yet. Let’s just enjoy the next few days and you can speak to him when you’re ready. I’m not going to mention it again.’

  ‘Good,’ Summer said, smiling at last. Jude joined her in bed then, and it was all quickly forgotten. He stuck to his word and didn’t raise the subject again.

  But in the end the matter was taken out of Summer’s hands, for six months to the day after she’d left for Jersey in May, she received a telephone call from Seth.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  JERSEY, NOVEMBER

  SUMMER

  ‘Summer,’ he said.

  ‘Seth, hi,’ she replied. She felt as awkward as a teenager about to dump her first boyfriend.

  ‘Oh my goodness, it’s so lovely to hear your voice!’ Seth said warmly. He proceeded to chatter on, barely drawing breath as he told her about various goings-on at the school and in the village. Eventually, of course, the conversation moved on to the subject of them. ‘I’ve missed you, Summer. It’s been awful not being able to contact you. But it’s been a good thing, too. It’s made me think. I know now, Summer, that I don’t want to lose you. When are you coming home?’

  Summer was taken aback. What about Barbara? Perhaps it had fizzled out. This was a scenario she somehow hadn’t quite expected. She’d imagined Seth feeling similarly to her or being indifferent. But not this. Not a warm, chatty and remorseful Seth, ready and willing, eager even, to give their marriage another go.

  ‘Seth, it’s not that simple. I’ve . . . I�
��ve met someone. Over here, in Jersey.’

  There was silence. Eventually: ‘You’ve met someone?’ Seth sounded utterly dumbfounded. ‘You mean a man?’

  Summer almost wanted to laugh at how implausible Seth seemed to think this was. She tried not to feel insulted.

  ‘Yes, a man.’

  ‘Good golly. Well, I wasn’t expecting that. But I understand . . . It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have suggested the break – of course you’d have ended up having some sort of rebound fling. I forgive you.’

  ‘You forgive me!’ Summer felt her cheeks burning. ‘What about you and Barbara?’

  ‘What on earth do you mean?’

  So he was going to deny it. How ridiculous. ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Seth.’

  ‘Look, I don’t know what Barbara’s got to do with this, but let’s get your return sorted out and we’ll deal with everything once you’re here. Have you booked your flight?’

  This was going to be harder than expected. Summer took a deep breath. ‘No, Seth, I haven’t booked my flight. And I’m not planning to. I’ve fallen in love. And I’m not coming home.’ She paused, took another breath. Silence. ‘Seth?’

  But the line had gone dead.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  JERSEY, NOVEMBER

  JUDE

  ‘I guessed it was Seth! How’d it go?’ Jude asked with a sympathetic look as Summer came to find him huddled up in a thick jacket on the terrace. Prinny was dozing at his feet and he had a gin and tonic in one hand and the local newspaper, which was fluttering wildly, in the other.

  ‘Not great. He put the phone down on me! I rang the boys afterwards and they were sad, though understanding. They didn’t think the marriage would have legs after a six-month break anyway, especially as I’d told them about you and, of course, about Barbara. I spoke to Tilly, too, and explained the situation. She was really pleased for me! She’s going to pop round to the bungalow to find some of my winter clothes to post over.’

  ‘Retro stuff?’

  ‘No, all the retro things I used to wear of my mum’s were mainly summery. My headmaster’s wife wardrobe is terribly dull by comparison, but at least I’ll be warm.’

  ‘How are you feeling? Actually, don’t tell me yet. I’m freezing. Can we go back inside and get you a drink and then you can tell me?’

  Summer laughed. ‘Good idea!’

  ‘So?’ Jude asked ten minutes later as they thawed by the fire, drinks in hand.

  ‘Relieved, that’s how I feel. Totally relieved.’

  ‘Me too. Summer, this is it. We can be a couple now. A proper couple. We can shout it from the rooftops if we want to. Actually, that’s not really my style, but you know what I mean. And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but we haven’t discussed it properly yet. Summer, let’s have a baby together,’ Jude said eagerly.

  ‘Oh Jude, you’re serious, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Summer, don’t you feel the same?’

  ‘I love you, Jude. I love you more than anything. But I don’t want any more kids. I’ve been there, done that.’

  ‘Sure, with Seth. Not with me. Summer, please. You may not feel like having them right away, but in the next couple of years, maybe?’

  Summer shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. She bit her lip, then looked at Jude, and he realised then that she was completely and utterly against the idea.

  ‘You really don’t want any more kids?’ he asked.

  ‘Never,’ Summer whispered. ‘I never want any more children.’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  JERSEY, NOVEMBER

  SUMMER

  ‘Please, Summer,’ Jude tried again. ‘This is a massive issue for me. Maybe Seth wasn’t very helpful, but I would be. I’ll do everything, if you’ll just agree . . . Feeding, nappies, everything . . .’

  Poor Jude. He sounded desperate, but Summer was resolute. ‘Absolutely not.’

  ‘Okay, just one then. One child.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Summer, you’re being so rigid about this. I don’t understand!’

  Summer was silent. She tried to summon up the words to explain. But she couldn’t. And by the time she’d mustered up the courage, she saw Jude had disappeared from the room. The front door slammed loudly, just as it had after their first row. She felt angry, again, at this petulant attitude of his, which seemed to highlight his immaturity as far as relationships were concerned. Again, he hadn’t given her a chance to explain.

  This time, though, Jude didn’t return swiftly. The next morning, Summer awoke to find an empty space beside her in the bed. She felt sick. She would explain everything the very moment Jude got back. It was just so hard to talk about. But she needed to, she realised. She couldn’t keep him in the dark any longer. By ten there was still no sign of Jude, and Prinny really needed his walk. It was raining – a thick and heavy downpour – and Prinny didn’t look that keen, but it was important he had his daily exercise to keep his muscles supple. Summer also remembered that she and Jude were meant to be taking their first ballet lesson that morning, so she rang Madame Vivier to cancel it.

  The phone call made, she found a raincoat she’d been borrowing from Jude and trudged along the path behind the cottage and up the steps to the cliffs. She hadn’t felt much like walking, but the exercise was reviving and she found herself feeling better. All she needed to do was tell Jude everything and he’d understand, she was sure. She walked briskly on the way back, full of determination. If he wasn’t there when she got home, she’d call him immediately on his mobile and arrange to meet him somewhere.

  There was no sign of his car. Summer discarded her muddy trainers outside the front door and let herself into the kitchen, shrugging off the raincoat and letting Prinny past, who slurped noisily at his water before collapsing into his bed.

  She hung the coat on the back of a kitchen chair to drip-dry and it was only then she noticed that a fresh bunch of anemones had been placed in a terracotta jug on the table. Strange. They definitely hadn’t been there before.

  ‘Jude!’ she called out, heading into the living room, but there was no reply.

  She returned to the kitchen and saw that her Claddagh necklace was beside the jug, and tucked underneath it was a note. She opened it, her hands trembling.

  Summer,

  You’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I could never have got through these months without you. In some incredible way you made the most difficult period in my life also the very happiest. But perhaps we were never meant to be together for ever. We’ve been carrying on with one another since the good news, hoping for the best. But with a future ahead of us, it seems as though we want totally different things, and I can’t bear the thought of those differing desires slowly tearing us apart. What we had deserves better than that. I’m heading to the airport now, to London, and then to Perth to be with my parents for a bit. I know it’s all quite sudden, but – believe me – I did nothing but think and plan and pack all night.

  Summer, you should go back to Seth if it’s over with him and Barbara. You’ve got so much history. Much as it galls me to say it, I don’t think you should throw all that away. I know he doesn’t like dogs or he’s allergic or something, so I thought perhaps you could ask Dennis to look after Prinny for a while, just until I’m sure whether I’m going to stay in Australia or not? I’m sorry to lumber you with the arrangements, but I haven’t time to speak to him before I leave. Give the boy a big cuddle from me (Prinny, not Dennis!) and remember, Summer, that whatever happens, I’ll always love you.

  Jude

  PART FOUR

  FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN

  DECEMBER 2017–DECEMBER 2018

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  ENGLAND, DECEMBER

  SUMMER

  Summer heaved the groceries out of the car and bundled the Tesco bags into the hallway. She returned to the car to lock it and realised she could hear the school choir practising carols in the theatre. For some rea
son, the sound of ‘Silent Night’ made her want to cry. She hurried back inside and turned on the TV in the kitchen to drown out the innocent voices and the melancholy music. She unpacked the shopping then took the bag of toiletries and loo roll through to the bathroom. She closed the door and pulled the packet she needed out of the carrier bag. She stared at it for a while, though she knew exactly how to use it. She’d used enough of the things last time around, just to be sure.

  It was digital, though, in this day and age, and there was no chance of trying to analyse whether a second line was appearing as the minutes ticked by. Instead, there was just some stupid picture of an egg timer. She sat on the edge of the bath and closed her eyes, replaying all the events that had happened since the day she’d received Jude’s note.

  She’d tried calling him, of course. Immediately. But he’d turned off his phone. Then she’d sped off to the airport in the camper van. But she was too late. Frustratingly, the plane was still there, but the gate was closed and there was no persuading the man she’d collared to pass a message on to one of the passengers.

  She’d returned to Mandla and tried Daisy next. Sam had picked up and explained Daisy was working. She didn’t know anything about Jude heading to London and Summer could only assume Jude was flying straight to Perth from Gatwick rather than stopping off with his sister.

  Finally, she’d FaceTimed Jude’s parents.

  ‘Will you get him to call me?’ Summer had asked them. ‘It’s just . . . There’s things I need to explain to him.’

  ‘Of course we will, dear. Now don’t you worry,’ Beryl had comforted. ‘I’m sure it’ll all blow over. A storm in a teacup.’

  But Jude hadn’t called and the next time Summer had tried to FaceTime David and Beryl, there’d been no answer.