Christmas by the Lighthouse

by Rebecca Boxall

  She’d given up. Feeling numb, she’d rung Seth, who was – to give him his due – gracious about the whole thing. She’d booked a flight, packed and delivered Prinny to Dennis, sobbing as she’d walked back to Mandla alone. She’d left the cottage tidy.

  Seth had welcomed her home warmly. She’d thought it would all be horribly awkward but, for some reason, it hadn’t been. She was heartbroken, and in some strange way Seth felt like a remedy.

  On her first evening back at Headmaster’s House, Summer had asked about Barbara.

  ‘It was nothing,’ Seth said, looking uncomfortable. ‘Look, I don’t want to drag it all up with you any more than you probably want to talk about this man you met in Jersey. Whatever happened in those six months, perhaps we both needed it. Now I think it’s time to move on. What do you say?’

  ‘I think that’s a very good idea,’ she’d agreed. She’d far rather not talk about Jude – it was too painful to think about him, let alone talk about what had happened. And she was quite happy to dismiss all thoughts of Barbara Robinson, too. Seth was right: those six months were just a – for her, magical – period in time and, now that they were back together, it was important to move on.

  Summer had turned towards Seth that night, in bed, and for the first time in a very long while they’d sought comfort in each other. She’d even wondered, as she lay in his arms, if she was falling in love with him again.

  Now, it was two weeks later, and the three minutes were up. Summer looked at the test. ‘Pregnant’, it screamed at her. She lifted the lavatory lid and instantly threw up.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  ENGLAND, DECEMBER

  SUMMER

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Tilly said. ‘I thought you just said you’re pregnant!’

  ‘I did,’ Summer replied as she cradled her mug of tea in her hands. She was sitting at Tilly’s kitchen table, while her friend went about her baking. She was hoping to get into the Great British Bake Off and was endlessly practising cakes and scones and breads, much to the pleasure of everyone around her. Apart from Summer, who felt sick even smelling the freshly baked cakes.

  ‘But . . .’ Tilly looked shocked. ‘But you can’t be!’

  Summer laughed. ‘Tilly, you’ve gone quite pale. Don’t worry – the baby’s not yours!’ But she knew why Tilly looked so horrified – she knew all about Summer’s phobia.

  ‘Who’s the father?’ she asked.

  Summer shifted uncomfortably. ‘Um, that’s the problem. Or one of the problems, anyway. I don’t know. I feel like I should be some slutty character in EastEnders or something, but I honestly don’t know if it’s Seth’s or Jude’s. You know I told you I’d met someone, when you offered to send over my winter clothes? Jude was my reason for staying and – well, it’s a long story but, as you’ve probably guessed, he was also my reason for coming home.’

  ‘Yes, I gathered something must have gone a bit wrong. But goodness, Summer,’ she said, sounding quite exasperated. ‘I know you’re a scatterbrain, but I’d have thought you’d have learnt your lesson on the contraception front after a teenage pregnancy!’

  ‘Believe me, I did. But Jude and I had this one occasion, a few nights before he left, where the, um . . .’ It was all a bit crude to discuss. ‘We slipped up, shall we say? And then, when I got back, I wasn’t expecting anything to happen with Seth. We hadn’t had sex for over eighteen months, so we weren’t quite prepared. I was planning to go to the doctor’s to get myself sorted out this week, then I realised. My period was late.’

  ‘So it wasn’t just a one-off with Seth?’ Tilly asked.

  ‘I thought it might be, but . . .’ Summer blushed. ‘I guess we’re kind of rediscovering one another.’

  ‘What about this other chap then?’ Tilly asked, carefully balancing one layer of sponge on top of another as if her life depended on it.

  ‘I’m just trying not to think about him, truthfully. But now . . . Well, I don’t know what to do. Shall I just come clean and tell them both?’

  ‘No. No, don’t do that. I hate to say it, but it’s early days still, isn’t it? Why not just wait until the first scan? Make sure everything’s okay. Then tell them. What will you do, assuming all is fine with the baby? Will you stay with Seth? Or go back to Jude?’

  ‘Tilly, you’ve forgotten the third option.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘Do it all alone. Let’s face it, do you really think either of them is going to be interested in bringing up a child that may or may not be theirs?’

  ‘Good point,’ Tilly agreed a little too readily, and Summer found herself feeling a bit hurt that her friend hadn’t offered her a ‘congratulations’, even if the circumstances weren’t ideal.

  Later, at dinner, Seth offered Summer a glass of wine as they sat opposite each other at the table. The smell of steak rising from Seth’s plate was making Summer want to heave.

  ‘No thanks, I’ll stick to water. Still feel a bit funny. Can’t seem to shake off this bug.’

  Seth looked at her across the table, his face solemn. ‘Summer, when were you going to tell me?’

  ‘Tell you what?’ she asked, her heart pounding.

  ‘That you’re pregnant.’

  ‘How . . . how do you know?’

  ‘You mustn’t be cross with her, but Tilly told me.’

  ‘Tilly? But . . .’ Summer was speechless. How could her friend betray her in such a way?

  ‘She’s worried about you. About the phobia. She thought I might be able to help you.’

  ‘But Seth, did she tell you? I don’t know if the baby’s yours.’

  ‘I know. And we’ll get a paternity test done, just as soon as it’s born. I’m quite prepared to be a father again, though not to a baby that’s not mine. I do have my limits,’ he half-laughed. ‘But for now, until we know, I’ll try to help. I know this must be hard for you. Do you want to talk about it?’

  Summer’s eyes filled with tears. ‘No,’ she told him. ‘Not yet. I can’t even think about – you know . . . the birth,’ she whispered.

  ‘Poor Summer,’ said Seth and he reached across the table and rubbed her hand.

  Chapter Forty

  ENGLAND, DECEMBER

  SUMMER

  The following day Summer nipped round to Tilly’s. She knew her friend would have had her best interests at heart, telling Seth about the baby, but she wanted to have it out with her regardless. After all, she’d been the one to advise Summer not to tell Seth or Jude until after the first scan.

  She let herself in the back door, as she always did, but there was no sign of Tilly in the kitchen. Ken Bruce burbled on from the radio and she could smell scones baking in the Aga. Tilly must be around somewhere. Summer went through the kitchen door into the grand entrance hall, and was about to shout for her friend when she heard urgent voices coming from the sitting room.

  ‘Did you tell her?’ Tilly was saying. ‘Did you finish things?’

  ‘I know I said yesterday that I would, but when it came to it I couldn’t do it. Tilly, I can’t just ditch her now. She’s so vulnerable. But I told her I’ll leave if the baby’s not mine.’

  ‘If the baby’s not yours? But what if it is? Don’t tell me you’re going to stay? After everything . . . Seth, I know you wanted Summer to come back after your break when I wouldn’t leave Angus, but I’ve told him now. I’ve filed for a divorce, for heaven’s sake! I’ve sacrificed a lot so that we can be together. You can’t now backtrack just because of some unplanned child that may not even be yours!’

  Summer put a hand to her mouth. Seth and Tilly? It made no sense! She’d always thought they loathed each other. But then, perhaps that had all been a cover? What a fool she’d been. She made to run away, but then stopped in her tracks. No. She would face this head-on. She walked calmly, almost regally, into the sitting room. Two faces looked at her, aghast.

  ‘How long?’ Summer asked simply. ‘How long has this been going on?’

  That evening, Summer began to p
ack – again. She’d called Sylvie immediately after the revelation and Sylvie had kindly agreed Summer could return to Mandla as she had no immediate plans to return from India and she never let the place during the winter. When she’d been with Jude, Summer had often imagined Mandla at Christmas, the log burner flaming, a bedecked tree in the corner of the living room, fairy lights casting a mellow glow on the beautiful cottage.

  But now the prospect of Christmas there alone filled her with a bleak and dismal dread. She’d called the boys after ringing Sylvie, to tell them the news and ask if they’d like to join her there, but they’d reminded her that they’d already planned a ski trip with their mates and, although they’d offered to cancel it, she didn’t want to ruin their fun. And at least she had a place to go. There was no way she could spend another moment within a hundred yards of Seth or Tilly.

  Five years, they’d told her. For five years they’d been having an affair right under her nose. She couldn’t understand it. If they’d wanted to be together, why not just end things with Summer and Angus and set up with one another? The reason, it turned out, was mercenary. Angus, who was very careful with his (many) pennies, had insisted on a prenuptial agreement before he and Tilly married. He’d wanted to protect his enormous family wealth. To leave him to be with Seth would have meant a dramatic change in living standards that Tilly hadn’t been prepared to make. Or at least, not for a long while. She’d had the clever idea of Seth suggesting the break with Summer to coincide with Angus being away doing his pilot training, so that she and Seth could spend that time together, even though – at that point – she’d still had no intention of leaving Angus altogether.

  But then, when Summer returned from Jersey, it had made Tilly realise just how much she wanted Seth for herself, regardless of the money. She’d filed for divorce from Angus and the very next day it had all come out. That, contrary to what Seth had told Tilly, he and Summer had reignited their relationship and – what’s more – she was pregnant with, potentially, his child. No wonder Tilly had looked so pale and horrified when Summer had told her the news.

  It had all been quite a shock, particularly Seth’s words when he’d seen Summer starting to pack.

  ‘If you leave, Summer, you’d better be warned that I’ll want nothing to do with that baby, whether it’s mine or not.’

  Summer hadn’t dignified this with a response. What was it? A threat? Did he really still want her to stay? Perhaps he simply couldn’t make up his mind between the two of them. Well, she would make his mind up for him.

  But it had been an extremely stressful day, heaped on top of Summer’s anxiety that she was pregnant. And it now looked very much like she was going to have to deal with it all alone.

  Chapter Forty-One

  JERSEY, DECEMBER

  SUMMER

  Christmas Eve and it was icy-cold. Summer was snuggled on the sofa with Prinny, the fire roaring and a blanket heaped on top of them both. In an effort to make herself feel festive she’d strung fairy lights over the mirror in the living room and had even, at the last minute, bought a small tree from the central market. Only after she’d heaved it home and put it up had she realised she didn’t actually have any decorations and she’d had to get back in the orange camper van and hotfoot it to St Aubin before early closing time, where she’d found a small gift shop selling overpriced baubles and more strings of lights. Experiencing the bustle around her had actually buoyed her up a little and she’d decorated the tree listening to carols on the radio and even managed not to cry when the choir sang ‘Silent Night’.

  She ate pizza for supper and settled down to watch something on the TV. Bridget Jones’s Diary was on, which would do nicely. Ten minutes in, her phone pinged. A text. She read it, then, disbelieving, read it again.

  I would say meet me at the lighthouse, but it’s cold and dark and, as it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve probably got other plans. But I know you’re in Jersey and if by any chance you’re still talking to me, I’d love to see you. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll understand. Merry Christmas, Summer! Love Jude

  Summer gulped, her heart racing. Jude was here. In Jersey. Had he come here specially to see her? Was he here anyway, returned from Australia? And how did he know she was back? So many questions ran through her mind but there was only going to be one way she’d find out the answers. She called him on her mobile, her hands shaking.

  ‘Jude? It’s me, Summer,’ she said apprehensively.

  ‘Summer,’ he said, and to hear his voice was how it must be for a reformed drug addict suddenly offered narcotics during their recovery process. A large part of her was still angry with him at having given up on her so easily, especially when she’d been there for him throughout his illness, but it still felt wonderful to hear his voice again. ‘I’m so pleased you rang. I got back this morning.’

  ‘From Australia?’

  ‘No, Camford. Summer, I’ve been completely at a loss without you. I travelled back from Oz a week ago, saw Daisy briefly and then went in search of you. I tracked down the school you’d told me about and bumped straight into Seth, literally. He told me you’d gone back to him, but then changed your mind and headed to Jersey.’

  ‘Did he say anything else?’ Summer asked carefully.

  ‘No, I didn’t hang around. He looked a bit glum. He had a grocery bag with him, which he dropped when we bumped into each other. It had a bottle of wine in it and a sorry-looking microwave meal for one. I guess he’s missing you.’

  ‘Not me. My friend, Tilly.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Look, there’s so much to talk about. I don’t suppose you fancy coming round now, do you? I’m all alone, apart from Prinny, and I’m fairly sure he’ll be glad to see you.’ She wanted to have it out with him and it seemed a better idea to do it in person.

  ‘I can’t think of anything I’d love more,’ Jude told her. ‘I’m at the flat. I can be with you in twenty minutes or so . . . But listen, I can’t wait any longer to tell you how sorry I am. Leaving the way I did – it was so cowardly of me. I’ve been thinking so much about Granny Sabine and Di and the war years. They’d never have behaved like I did – giving up so easily. I feel ashamed of myself.’

  ‘You didn’t give me a chance to explain, that’s what got to me. You stormed off like a kid, Jude, and I can’t be dealing with that. We’re adults. We have to communicate.’

  ‘I know,’ Jude said sorrowfully. ‘I’ve realised that the fact I’ve never been in love before has worked to my disadvantage – I’m a rookie at this love stuff. I need Learner plates.’

  Summer laughed at last. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, you do!’

  ‘So can I still come round?’ Jude asked tentatively.

  ‘Yes, but I’m not making any promises. We need to talk some more.’

  ‘I’ll take that,’ said Jude. ‘Summer, I’ve missed you so much.’

  Summer hesitated then sighed, unable to pretend. ‘I’ve missed you too, Jude,’ she admitted. She wondered how she was going to feel when she saw him. Would she feel like forgiving him as soon as she saw his face, or would she find that her feelings for him had changed once she saw him in the flesh? Either way, she would find out soon enough.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  JERSEY, DECEMBER

  JUDE

  To see Summer and Prinny snuggled up by the fire on Christmas Eve in Mandla was like being in one of the dreams Jude had enjoyed on a regular basis when he’d been in Australia – dreams so sweet he would try to force himself back to sleep in the hope that his imaginary world would carry on where it had left off.

  When she saw him, Summer paused whatever she’d been watching on TV and there was a moment of quiet between them – the only sound the low rumble of someone talking on the radio in the kitchen. Summer jumped up and they embraced for a long time, until she started to cry.

  ‘What’s up?’ Jude asked anxiously. ‘Don’t cry. Come on, let’s have a drink. Have you got a bottle open?’

 
Summer shook her head. Jude thought she must still be cross with him and he couldn’t blame her. Perhaps she didn’t want him to stay long enough for a drink.

  But suddenly she looked at him in despair. ‘I’m pregnant, Jude,’ she blurted out.

  Jude could feel the blood draining from his face. He didn’t know whether to feel happy or shocked – a combination of elation and concern competed with each other in his mind. ‘But . . . but you didn’t want any more children,’ he whispered, sitting down on the sofa with a thump. Summer sat down next to him.

  ‘I know. It wasn’t planned, obviously.’

  ‘Was it that time, just before I left?’

  ‘Possibly . . . though . . . Jude, this is so awful to have to tell you, but the baby might be Seth’s. We started up our relationship again when I went back to him. There’s a chance it could be his.’

  Jude felt the joy from a moment before diminish instantly. He felt physically sick. He puffed his cheeks then let out a whistle. ‘Wow!’ was all he could manage to say. He took Summer’s hand in his. ‘Then why aren’t you with him now?’ he asked, confused. ‘Actually, don’t answer that yet. I need a drink. Let’s go through to the kitchen and I’ll make you a cup of tea and find myself something stronger.’

  Jude led the way to the kitchen and put the kettle on, while Summer sat at the table looking nervous. He rummaged around and found a bottle of brandy, pouring himself a hefty tot.

  ‘There are mince pies if you want one,’ Summer offered, but Jude had never felt less hungry. He made Summer’s tea and then took their drinks to the table, sitting down opposite her. He realised she’d never looked more beautiful – pregnancy clearly suited her, even if she hadn’t wanted this baby.

  ‘So what happened with Seth?’ Jude asked, taking a restoring sip of brandy with a slightly shaking hand.

  ‘I only went back to him because I thought you never wanted to see me again,’ Summer explained. ‘When you left, I followed you to the airport, I contacted your parents, I tried calling you . . . It was clear you didn’t want to speak to me. I was so hurt by that, Jude. It felt like you threw away what we had so easily. I thought I’d found the love of my life and then – just like that – you were gone. And Seth, I knew, wanted me back. So I went. I did what you suggested in your note. He’s always represented security for me and that’s what I felt I needed right then, more than anything. He was a comfort when my heart was breaking. Then, before I knew it, I discovered I was pregnant, which was a bombshell in itself. I didn’t know what to do. Then there was another bombshell.’