Everything I Never Wanted

by K. Street

  The three of us strode toward the door.

  “Good night, Nash,” I called over my shoulder.

  “Have a good one, Camryn.”

  After Tucker installed the car seat and made sure Shayne had buckled herself in, he came to where I stood outside the driver’s door.

  “He was giving you shit, wasn’t he?”

  I folded my arms over my chest and rocked on my heels. “Not really. He’s looking out for you; that’s all.”

  “What did he say to you?” Tucker’s jaw twitched.

  “Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

  “Camryn.”

  “Really, Tucker, it’s fine. He basically just said you don’t let people get too close, and it wasn’t something I should take lightly.”

  “Nosy bastard.”

  “Maybe, but you’re lucky to have him.”

  “I’d better get back. Thanks for taking care of Shayne.”

  A warmth spread through me. The fact that Tucker trusted me with his daughter meant more to me than he knew. “Of course.”

  Tucker reached for my hand and squeezed it. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Bye,” I said and then climbed into the car.

  We waved to him as we pulled out of the parking lot and headed for home.

  I glanced in the rearview mirror to look at Shayne. “Guess what, kiddo? I have a surprise for you.”

  “You do?”

  “Yep.” I focused back on the road.

  “I can’t wait. What is it?”

  “Nice try. You’ll find out soon enough.”

  Shayne offered up random guesses as we made our way back home. By the time we pulled into the driveway, she could barely contain her excitement. She unfastened her seat belt and made a beeline for the door.

  “Are you ready to have some fun?” I asked while I unlocked the door.

  “Yes.”

  “All right, kick your shoes off, and let’s head to the kitchen.”

  I threw my purse on the coffee table and fell into step behind a shoeless Shayne. The contents of the grocery store baking aisle was fanned out across the counter. Strawberry cake mix, powdered sugar for frosting, and an array of sprinkles were among them.

  Wide-eyed elation spanned Shayne’s features. “We’re making cupcakes?”

  “We sure are.”

  “You’re so good at surprises.”

  “Why, thank you.” I curtsied, which made her giggle. “All right, so there are a few rules.”

  “Rules?” She looked puzzled. “Wait. We still get to have fun, right?”

  “Yes.”

  She nodded her head in agreement. “I’m all ears.”

  “First, we’re going to put our hair up; that way, it doesn’t fall into the food.” I reached into the kitchen junk drawer where I’d stashed a few elastics. Quickly, I whipped my hair into a messy bun and then did the same with Shayne’s.

  “Second?” she asked, keeping us on task.

  “We need to wash our hands.” I moved the step stool in front of the sink and turned on the water.

  Shayne climbed up, and together, we washed and dried our hands.

  “Rule number three”—I stooped to be eye-level with her because it was the most important one of them all—“you may not touch the oven.”

  She stuck her hand out and said in a serious tone, “I accept these rules.”

  I laughed and put my hand in hers. “Here, let’s put this on.” I snatched the aprons I’d placed on the counter earlier. “Do you want the one with cupcakes on it or doughnuts?”

  “Hmm …” She crooked her forefinger and tapped her chin. “Cupcakes.”

  “Excellent choice.” I slipped it over her head and tied it around her waist twice because it was entirely too big. Then, I put on the other one. “While I start the batter, you can put the paper cups in the muffin tins.”

  I lifted Shayne and set her on top of the island. Then, I opened the small canister of cupcake liners. While she was busy with that, I preheated the oven and began measuring out water and then oil. Then, I cracked the eggs.

  “All done,” she announced.

  “You want to help me mix?”

  She bobbed her head.

  “Just make sure you keep the beaters in the bowl; otherwise, the mess will be all over the kitchen.”

  I plugged the hand mixer into the outlet. With my hands positioned on top of Shayne’s, we blended the batter according to the directions on the box. Afterward, we divided it between the wells, and I popped the pans into the oven.

  “Here you go.” Pink goop dripped from the beater as I passed it to her.

  Her small tongue darted out to capture the wayward sweetness. “This is delectable,” she said, rolling her eyes to the back of her head.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Her antics and vocabulary made her seem like an adult in a kid’s body.

  “Agreed.” I brought the other beater to my mouth. “After the cupcakes cool, we’ll decorate them. That’s the best part.”

  “Did you buy frosting?”

  “No, because we’re going to make that, too.” There was little I hated more than store-bought frosting.

  “We are?”

  “Yep.”

  “What a mess we made.” Shayne glanced at the space around us.

  “We did, but we’ll clean it up.”

  I pilfered two clean dishrags from the drawer by the sink. I wet one, and after I wrung it out, I gave it to Shayne. “You can start wiping off the counter while I take care of the dishes, and then we’ll whip up the frosting.” I helped her down and shifted the stool over to the island.

  By the time we had restored order, the oven timer chirped.

  “They’re done,” she announced gleefully.

  With oven mitts covering my hands, I reached into the oven and pulled them out. Then, I set them on the stovetop to cool.

  “Are we going to make the icing now?”

  “Yep.” I slid off the thick mitts and went over to her. “Open these and put them in the bowl.” I placed two sticks of softened butter in front of her. Then, I went to the fridge for the heavy whipping cream.

  My phone rang from the other room.

  “Hang on, that’s probably your dad. Don’t move.” I retrieved my cell from the abyss of my purse and accepted the call. Then, I returned to the kitchen.

  “Hey, baby,” he said low into the phone.

  “Hi.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “We’re good.”

  “Hi, Daddy!” Shayne yelled to Tucker.

  He chuckled. “Tell her hello.”

  “Your dad says hi back.” I smiled.

  “I should be done here in a little while.”

  “No problem. I was going to order pizza for dinner if you two want to stay.”

  We ate together a few times a week, but there was no set schedule.

  “Tell you what. I’ll pick it up.”

  “Just remember, no black olives.”

  “I remember. See you soon.” The deep timbre of his voice washed over me, and I couldn’t wait to see him.

  “Bye.” I ended the call and looked at Shayne. “Where were we?”

  She pointed to the bowl.

  “Next, we need powdered sugar.” I pointed to the bag.

  Over the next several minutes, we finished our task and divided the white fluff between four small bowls. With my help, Shayne added food coloring to them.

  “We need some music,” I told her.

  After I wiped my hands on my apron, I reached for my phone and scrolled through the playlists. When I found what I was looking for, I tapped the screen. “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen filled the kitchen. Shayne bobbed her head to the tune. Since the cakes were cool, I carried the pans over to our work surface and freed them. Then, I snatched several butter knives from the silverware drawer and a couple of small rubber spatulas from the utensil canister, laying them alongside the cupcakes.

  “Grab one and start decorating, kiddo
.”

  “I’m going to make a pink one with pink sparkles,” she proclaimed, reaching for a cupcake. Tongue tucked into the corner of her mouth, a look of deep concentration on her face, she frosted her first one.

  A sense of wonder filled me as I watched her. She was amazing. And, looking at her, I knew I wanted this. Not because I was trying to fill some void left in my life. I didn’t just want a family. I wanted them, and it scared the hell out of me. Because I wasn’t the girl who got what she wanted. I wasn’t even the girl who got the consolation prize.

  “Camryn, aren’t you going to make one?” Shayne asked, her smile huge.

  It was enough to snap me out of my melancholy. “Of course,” I said and reached for a cupcake and the blue frosting.

  We worked in silence for a few minutes—that was, until the thump of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” spilled into the air.

  “Oh, Shayne. Do you know what time it is?” Excitement filled my voice.

  “No.” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

  “It’s dance-party time.” I went around to her side of the counter, scooped her off the stool, and then reached for the goop-covered spatulas we’d been using. “Your microphone, my lady,” I said, giving her one.

  She giggled and accepted the gift I’d just bestowed upon her. Whenever “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” came on, you danced your ass off, and you sang the lyrics at the top of your voice. It was girl code, Sisterhood 101.

  In our messy aprons, we bopped our heads and shook our backsides all around the kitchen. By the time the chorus came around again, Shayne had the words down. Facing each other, we sang extra loud to make up for the fact that our microphones didn’t amplify our voices.

  23

  Tucker

  I rapped on the door and then stood on the porch for a full two minutes. That was how long it took me to realize that nobody had heard me. In a circus-like balancing act, I managed to open it. Quite a feat, considering my arms grasped pizza boxes, chocolate milk, and a six-pack of beer.

  Music hit my ears as I stepped through the entryway. I caught sight of my two girls as they danced like fools in the kitchen and figured that was the reason Camryn never answered.

  They sang loudly and a little off-key into frosting-covered objects, completely oblivious to my presence. The corners of my mouth tipped up. Their profiles were to me, as Camryn faced Shayne. Fake microphones between them, heads nearly touching, they shouted the last line of the iconic song like a declaration.

  As the music faded, Shayne spread her arms wide and wrapped them around Camryn’s waist, squeezing her tight. “I love you, Camryn.”

  Everything evaporated into the background. I was unable to inhale or exhale, the air in my lungs unexpectedly trapped. Seconds, maybe centuries, passed before Camryn’s arms folded around my daughter. I watched her swallow past the lump in her throat.

  “I love you, too, sweet girl.”

  Like the hooked end of a pry bar, Camryn’s confession dug into the deepest part of me. The walls around my heart splintered. I didn’t want to love her, but it was too late. I was a fucking goner.

  Slowly, I raised a foot to kick the door shut. The sound was loud enough to garner their attention.

  “Daddy!” Shayne yelled. Arms extended, imaginary mic in her grip, she ran at me.

  I braced myself for the impact, but before Shayne could fly into me full force, I said the one word I knew would stop her in her tracks, “Freeze.”

  She skidded to a halt, posing like a statue. “Let me set this stuff down, Doodlebug, and then I’ll give you a hug.”

  She didn’t move or say a word because she was frozen.

  “Tucker, I’m sorry. Let me help you,” Camryn offered.

  “No worries. I’ve got it.” I kept my voice light despite my heavy realization seconds earlier. “Looks like you two were having fun.” I deposited the food and drinks on the empty counter near the sink.

  “You might want to unfreeze her.” Camryn smiled and pointed to Shayne.

  “In a second.” My tone was low.

  I pulled Camryn close. Since Shayne was facing the door and couldn’t see us, I gave Camryn a quick peck on the lips and then stepped back to put a few feet between us. I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to do that.

  “Unfreeze, Doodlebug.”

  She squealed and raced into the kitchen. I scooped her up for a hug, and she wrapped her legs around me.

  “Did you have fun with Camryn?”

  Shayne leaned back in my arms, so she could see my face. “So much fun. We made cupcakes. And frosting. Lots of different frosting.” She looked thoughtful. “Well … really, it was one frosting, but we made different colors. Oh, and sprinkles. But we didn’t make those. Camryn already bought them. Lots of them. Rainbow ones and pink ones and shimmery glitter ones, but the kind you can eat. Not like we use at school. My teacher, Mrs. Jenkins, says glitter is the devil. One day, my friend Wyatt spilled it all over the place, and then Mrs. Jenkins was so unnerved.”

  “Take a breath, Bug.” I chuckled and looked at Camryn.

  She stood there, a smile on her face, deep longing in her eyes. Something in that look broke me and healed me at the same time. I wanted her. She needed us. Without any regard for the repercussions, I shifted Shayne to my side, held her in one arm, and opened the other to Camryn.

  She hesitated, and I heard the questions she didn’t ask.

  “Come on, Camryn,” Shayne prodded while opening her arm to mimic my stance. “We can have a group hug.”

  Glassy-eyed Camryn stepped into our embrace. We were a tangle of arms. The two of them in their frosting-spattered aprons and me with the traces of grease that remained on my shirt. Countless seconds passed as we held each other close.

  “I’m hungry,” Shayne said, her voice muffled between my shoulder and Camryn’s forehead. Her words reminded me of the pizza growing cold on the counter and the beer and milk getting warm.

  Camryn broke the connection and took a step back. She moved to the island and said over her shoulder, “I’ll just get this cleaned up really quick, and then we’ll eat.” Her voice quaked, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out the moment had affected her.

  I set Shayne on her feet. “Let’s get this off you, and then you need to go wash your hands.” I made quick work of her apron and sent her on her way.

  Once she was in the bathroom, I put the milk and beer in the fridge and then closed in on Camryn. I untied her apron and set it to the side. With my front pressed to her back, my arms encircled her waist, holding her against me. I planted kisses to the back of her neck.

  “You okay?”

  She didn’t lean into my touch, but she didn’t pull away either.

  “Talk to me.”

  “It’s nothing. I just need a minute.”

  I wanted to push her. To make her tell me what was going on inside that head of hers.

  Then, Shayne’s voice rang out from the other room. “Daa-dee.”

  “I’m going to go check on her. But this conversation isn’t over.” Then again, it never really started.

  Camryn didn’t have to spell it out for me. I knew she was scared. She wasn’t alone in that. I was fucking terrified.

  “Daa-dee!” Shayne hollered again, louder this time.

  I kissed the back of Camryn’s head and went to tend to my daughter.

  Shayne was pacing in front of the bathroom door.

  “Bug, what’s the matter?”

  “I had to poop.” She nervously looked around.

  “Okay. You’ve been taking care of that on your own for a while now. What’s the problem?”

  “Well … the potty is, um … full.” She twisted her hands together.

  “What do you mean, it’s full?” I suspiciously eyed her.

  Shayne had never been the kind of kid to screw around in the bathroom.

  She crooked her finger and motioned for me to come closer. I knelt, so we were eye-level.

  She
put her hands on my shoulders, and in an extremely serious tone, she said, “Daddy, we have a situation. I had to make a big poop, and I flushed the toilet, but the potty doesn’t want it. It won’t swallow my poop.”

  It took everything I had not to roll on the floor and laugh hysterically. I rubbed a hand over my jaw and struggled to keep it together. “Bug, it’s fine. I’ll fix it. Did you wash your hands?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Of course I washed my hands.”

  “Don’t roll your eyes at me. Go help Camryn clean up while I take care of this.”

  “All right.”

  She skipped away, and I opened the bathroom door.

  Thankfully, there was a plunger behind the garbage can. Shayne wasn’t kidding. The size of that thing was impressive. How she hadn’t complained of a stomachache, I didn’t know.

  By the time I took care of everything, washed up, and made it back to the kitchen, Camryn had most of the mess cleaned up. The cupcakes sat on a platter in the center of the island. She had the pizza plated and was mid-pour of a glass of chocolate milk for Shayne.

  “Everything okay?” Camryn asked when her eyes lifted.

  “It’s all taken care of.” I smirked.

  “I thought we could eat in the living room. Maybe watch a movie.”

  “Can we watch Beauty and the Beast?” Shayne clasped her hands together. “Please?”

  “Bug, we’ve watched it at least a hundred times in the last month. How about something else?”

  “I’m good with Beauty and the Beast,” Camryn agreed. “It’s on the DVR.”

  Shayne raised a fist, and Camryn gave it a pound.

  “Girl power,” Shayne proclaimed.

  Camryn went to turn on the television while I grabbed our plates and the two beers, and Shayne carried her milk. We curled up on the sofa with my daughter between us. The girls watched the screen, caught up in the movie. However, I lost myself in watching them.

  Shayne sang, but Camryn mouthed the words to the songs. Halfway through the movie, Shayne laid her head on the throw pillow Camryn had on her lap. Camryn freed Shayne’s hair from the knot it had been in and carefully combed her fingers through it. Minutes later, Shayne was softly snoring, and I closed my eyes.