After Everything Has Been Said and Done

by Katie Tyler

  aspiration: a hope or ambition of achieving something

  Ruth...

  You’ve taught me how to

  laugh in the rain

  and cry in the sunlight.

  I don’t know which is more beautiful.

  k.l.

  Happy Go Lucky

  We were young

  and dumb

  and the beginning to every reckless love story.

  You taught me how to kiss,

  how to dance,

  how to be myself.

  You taught me that cliques weren’t important

  and gossip was irrelevant.

  You taught me how to skateboard,

  and how to four-wheel.

  You taught me how to open up my trapped mind

  and showed me how to feel with my iced heart

  You proved to me that it was literally us against the world

  and no one could destroy that.

  No one expect me.

  I’m sorry

  k.l.

  Thoughts

  It’s amazing how we all have such great “friends,”

  yet the moment we pull away,

  or need time to get ourselves back to a healthy mental state

  we never see these “friends” checking on us.

  Even though we broke up,

  you noticed I wasn’t acting myself.

  You calmed me through my biggest storm

  and you loved me as you watched me fall apart.

  You were the one “friend” that I’m devastated for losing

  but grateful to have gotten to know.

  k.l.

  I will forever spend the rest of my life loving a man that I let go

  k.l.

  Loving you was like riding in the wind and feeling the bliss until a bug goes up your nose and ruins everything.

  k.l.

  iridescent

  Meet the girl

  by the sea

  let her say

  it’s just you and me

  Watch her dance,

  fall in love,

  but in the end,

  you’ll have to give her up

  Tears will fall

  straight down her face

  tell me why

  and show me how

  does she cry so pretty

  k.l.

  iridescent: showing luminous colors that seem to change when seen from different angles.

  Masked

  How much pain

  and rejection

  must I go through

  before I stop believing in the concept of love?

  k.l.

  Tell Me I'm Wrong

  I know what’s happening

  I can feel it

  I want to restrict myself

  but I know there’s no use

  My heart aches

  only for you

  Why waste life’s simple pleasure

  when all its costs

  is the adequate act of heart break

  k.l.

  habromania

  He played a slick game.

  He knew the cards like he knew the back of his hands.

  He knew what he was dealing you before you had even agreed to play.

  You couldn’t have seen this coming, my love

  because he had a cheat sheet up his sleeve that no one ever saw.

  He chose the cards that would keep you playing.

  He knew exactly what set would destroy you.

  He knew precisely which moves would win him the challenge.

  It’s not your fault you lost,

  however, lets work on your poker face.

  k.l.

  habromania: delusions of happiness

  Blueberry delight

  Tonight, I can’t stop thinking about your lips

  and how good they felt against mine.

  I might not like you in the ways that I used to,

  but in that time

  and in that moment,

  you felt like a cold drink on a hot summer day.

  You gave me chills, like drinking steaming coffee in the midst of winter.

  You were my blueberry lemonade that would cheer me up when I was down.

  Well honey,

  I’m down right now

  and all I can think about is your lips

  and how I could really use a pick me up.

  k.l.

  Falling asleep in a world where I listen to the calmness of your breathing and the steady rhythm of your heart is a world so beautiful that I wouldn’t know how to survive in it.

  k.l.

  Downward Dog

  When you told me that you wanted me,

  that you needed me,

  I thought you meant it in the acts of love.

  In reality, you had only meant sexually.

  k.l.

  Plaything

  You need me when I’m not there

  and I’m too naive to keep running away.

  No matter what,

  if you tell me you want me,

  I’ll come running at the fastest speed my feet can carry me.

  k.l.

  plaything: a toy

  Saudade

  The night your name appeared on my screen with the message “serious question: how do you do your makeup so well? My baby cousin is feeling insecure and when I asked her about it, she said she wanted to look like you because you are the most beautiful girl in the world and I cannot deny her of that,”

  my heart caught fire,

  burning away all of the insecurities I had built up about you.

  I remember screenshotting this and telling all of my friends that this was it: you were the man I was going to marry.

  I miss that you.

  What happened to him?

  k.l.

  saudade: a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant or that has been loved and then lost.

  I could love you

  The hesitation comes from the uncertainty of if you could love me too

  k.l.

  Peripeteia

  Once upon a time, I thought I was in love with a boy.

  His eyes were as blue as the ocean,

  and his hair calmly resembled sand.

  I strongly believed he would have crossed the seven seas for me.

  I had never been so wrong in my life.

  I fell fast,

  he did not.

  I grew self-conscious

  he grew self confidence.

  I cried my eyes out daily

  while he buried himself between her legs nightly.

  My heart mourned the loss of someone alive.

  He made me feel worthless, pathetic, used.

  My body became objectified.

  I wasn’t even worth a simple explanation of what went wrong.

  How was I supposed to live with that?

  Luckily, each day without him, I was able to grow stronger and reassemble all of the pieces from the destruction he generated.

  I became whole again.

  Months later, he came back.

  He told me he loved me, therefore that’s why he ran.

  You don’t run from people you love.

  From the bottom of my heart,

  I did believe I loved him.

  but then I had this realization that this entire time,

  he was the Pacific and I was a hurricane he couldn’t withstand.

  As he sent me to land to disperse my cyclone,

  I bounced back.

  Now I’m leisurely twirling in the arms of the Atlantic

  and I have never been more serene.

  k.l.

  peripeteia: a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances; the point of no return

  Open Wounds

  Sometimes I question

  if the only reason you were afraid to jump

  was because you already knew that you couldn’t handle the fall.

  I guess now the answer is irrelevant,

&nbs
p; but that doesn't mean I do not wish to know it.

  Maybe your reply could help heal the parts of me that are still broken.

  k.l.

  Puppet

  Stop fucking with my confidence.

  It’s not fair that I only see my beauty when you tell me I’m beautiful

  k.l.

  Addictions

  I used to think alcohol was bad,

  that it poisoned people.

  Just one taste could compel anyone into becoming an addict,

  but then I met you

  and realized your kiss was just as intoxicating as tequila,

  and your eyes were just as stimulating as bourbon.

  It wasn’t until after you left that I realized I was drunk on the idea of love and all I could think about was taking another swig of whiskey so that maybe, just maybe, I could feel you again.

  k.l.

  Some who wander are actually lost

  k.l.

  Define Love

  I beg of you

  do not say the word “too”

  If I wanted you to agree with me,

  I'd ask you to

  k.l.

  Companionless

  The night skies

  tell me no lie

  It’s for you

  whom I always cry

  Through the darkest hour,

  and into the morning light,

  my heart aches for the slightest sight.

  I seek to see your fingertips

  dance on my skin

  creating a sensation

  that makes me feel awake again.

  I miss you in ways I cannot describe.

  Why did you decide to leave my side?

  k.l.

  desideratum

  I’m not alone,

  I’m just lonely

  k.l.

  desideratum: something that is needed or wanted

  Honestly, I don't have the strength to reply to someone that takes over 12 hours to reply to me anymore.

  k.l.

  Meritless

  I can't see you anymore.

  Why?

  Because I thought I meant more to you than I actually do and because of that, I cannot give you what you're looking for.

  k.l.

  meritless: worthless or undeserving

  Perjury

  Tell me a story about the girl and the boy,

  the one where they were happy,

  but suddenly their lives are thoroughly destroyed.

  He had told her that he loved her, but she wasn’t the one.

  He had built her a home, but little did she know that he was hiding a gun.

  Not one that would kill her, but one that changed her life completely.

  How shitty is it to think that the word “trust” can be so deceiving?

  k.l.

  Perjury: lying under oath

  Too Many

  Do you know how many times

  that I couldn’t sleep at night

  because you never replied?

  k.l.

  Slithering encounters

  Our goodbye was slow.

  I saw it coming,

  but I let it take its course.

  You were the first to push away,

  and I realized there was nothing I could do

  or say to make you stay.

  Besides, why would I ask you to stay

  when I was the one who took my body off the table,

  and that was clearly the only thing you wanted from me?

  You knew all of the right words

  and you played all of the right cards.

  I had never seen such a beautifully chiseled poker face.

  I can still taste your venom in my mouth

  from when I sucked out your poison,

  and learned how to survive on my own .

  k.l.

  Natsukashii

  Tonight I passed the park sign.

  You know the one I’m talking about.

  For a second, I forgot that I was driving.

  It wasn’t until I felt myself veering right that I remembered.

  I shouldn’t be living in the past.

  I couldn’t help it though as the memories danced on my skin.

  I loved the way your lips felt pressed against mine.

  I loved the way your fingers dived below my underwear, creating a sensation only you could give me.

  The two of us together was something from a novel:

  bold and unforgettable,

  but then I remember how you left me.

  I remember how you broke my heart in a constant cycle that you just couldn’t stop.

  I remember how I fell deeply head over heels for you and you were out with her, not caring.

  What was so wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for you?

  A truck similar to yours crosses the four way stop and I can’t help but to think you’re taking another innocent girl out to our “special” place.

  I wish I had the balls to follow it.

  Tonight, that park sign means everything to me

  and nothing to me all in the same.

  What does it mean to you?

  k.l.

  natsukashii: small thing that brings you joyously back to fond memories

  Just because I miss you

  doesn’t mean I forgive you for what you did

  k.l.

  Clemency

  Let me take you back to that night

  where consent was not found.

  We were alone in that truck

  just making out.

  Before I knew it

  my shirt was up, and my pants were down.

  I said your name as a warning,

  but you never heard a sound.

  My cries became sobs

  and I begged you to stop.

  I pleaded and prayed

  until it finally stopped.

  I never saw you again

  because you were so wrapped up in sin.

  Unlucky for me, my brain melts with fire

  just because you came and messed up my wires.

  Up until this day, no one has known

  all because I know God has to have a better plan for those of us who are alone.

  k.l.

  clemency: mercy; lenience.

  Abhorrence

  I should hate you.

  I should hate all of the disgusting things my body had to go through because of you.

  I should hate that I now have commitment issues.

  I should hate that my trust for anyone in this world has fallen slim to none.

  I should hate that I can no longer look directly into the eyes of the male species, especially if they’re blue.

  I should hate that I’ve pulled myself away from society and that I have no will in going back.

  I should hate that instead of growing closer to God, I started feeling like I was being torn away.

  I should hate that I used other people to void you from my mind.

  I should hate that I don’t feel like a “survivor” because I know other people have had it and do have it worse than me.

  I should hate that when I told you no, you let a monster inside of you form and chose not to listen to me.

  I should hate all of the marks you left on my skin.

  I should hate the churn of my stomach when I think back on every memory we’ve ever shared, including some of the happiest moments of my life.

  I should hate old western movies.

  I should hate Dean Martin.

  I should hate Despicable Me.

  I should hate every plan for my future that slowly disappeared the night I thought I meant everything to you, but was proven that I meant nothing instead.

  I should hate my entire existence because you ruined me. You literally drained every inch of light from inside of my soul and now a black nothingness is all I see.

  I should hate every ounce of blood that runs through your veins.

  Overall, I should just hate you.


  But for some reason, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate anything.

  Is it wrong that I feel empowered with all of the hate I should possess?

  If so, I guess I should hate that too.

  k.l.

  abhorrence: a feeling of repulsion; disgusted loathing

  Planting petunias

  sweetheart,

  may your hatred

  become a shovel.

  let it dig up the hard soil from the ground

  in the shape of a 3 by 8 space.

  let us bury his sins

  instead of his body.

  he knows what he did,

  you don’t have to keep reminding yourself of it.

  his betrayal is the water we’ll drink off of

  and his lies are the nutrients we’ll use to survive.

  the ways in which he touched you

  will be seen as sunlight, for it has made you stronger.

  his absence is now the carbon dioxide that we’ll breathe in

  to remind us that something so hideous

  can turn us into something so beautiful.

  k.l.