After Everything Has Been Said and Done

by Katie Tyler

  Daymare

  He knew he hurt me,

  but for the record, I know I hurt him too.

  I wasn’t pretty enough for him.

  I feel like that was the first wound that impaled his heart.

  Sure, just a simple selfie could make his dick hard, but was it really my beauty or was it the ideas he had imprinted in his mind of what he’d like to do to me, and he saw me as willing?

  Despite my facial unattractiveness, I probably made his ego quiver at the idea of being seen with me in public which is why I was kept his dirty little secret.

  8 months in and no one knew about me?

  That probably devastated him more than it could ever impact me.

  This is where the second wound comes into play.

  His excuses seized his triumphs and I know my weight hurt him too.

  It wasn’t from me sitting on his lap and him begging to insert

  “just the tip,” no,

  it was the idea that I wasn’t a size zero and his friends might think he had a fetish.

  His sister was a twig and it saddened him to imagine the thoughts his mother would have when the holidays would come around and I wouldn’t be too shy to ask for a second slice of pumpkin pie even though I don’t like pumpkin pie.

  The last wound I remember inflicting was being too clingy which was possibly the reason he decided he couldn’t take this awfulness anymore. Ignoring me for days was okay, but the moment I started seeing my worth, it all became too much for him.

  You didn’t have to lie to me, I wanted to know about the destruction I caused you.

  I want to apologize for making your heart feel the torment that I provoked.

  k.l.

  The Answer Remains Unknown

  How can you live

  knowing you emotionally

  and mentally

  and physically

  fucked a person up?

  k.l.

  Seasons Change

  You’ll bury yourself in books

  to keep your mind distraught.

  He wasn’t the one for you

  just someone that you bought.

  Not with actual money,

  but with your body that you purposely objectified.

  After Everything Is Said and Done,

  you’ll realize he wasn’t worth the time

  k.l.

  Flaxen

  I used to like the color yellow.

  Everything about it was vibrant and uplifting.

  Even the sun uses it for display so that the entire world can admire its beauty.

  On days of darkness, we live in gloom.

  Once the golden rays peek back through, we awaken and do the things we were created to do.

  Yellow was your favorite color.

  Maybe it still is.

  Out of all the color choices in the rainbow, why did you have to choose yellow?

  Since you left, I’m cursed to see yellow on a daily basis only to be reminded of you

  and to question why I dislike the hue so much.

  k.l.

  flaxen: pale yellow color of dressed flax

  La Douleur Exquise

  I died a little each night

  that I cried myself to sleep.

  I wasn’t enough for you.

  I would never be enough for you.

  Please don’t look at me with mayhem.

  My final goodbye is my final goodbye.

  Maybe now you’ll see what it’s like

  to have your lungs on fire

  and your eyes bloodshot,

  all because your heart is mourning the loss of someone alive,

  and you’ll know that it was their choice to walk away from you

  entirely because you weren’t as fulfilling for their needs as they thought you would be.

  k.l.

  La douleur exquise: the exquisite pain of wanting someone that you know you can never have and knowing that you will still try to be with them.

  Do you know what makes life so different in comparison to books?

  “I don’t love you anymore,” hits a little bit harder.

  k.l.

  I just want to be found by you

  I started surrounding myself

  with boys that didn’t matter

  thinking I could forget

  the one that did.

  k.l.

  Logomachy

  They keep telling me to walk away

  it’s easy, they say

  you’ll thank yourself, they say

  he’s the one that’ll be regretting it, they say

  but the problem is, they are just saying this.

  They are just using words.

  They are not the person experiencing the feelings.

  In my opinion,

  they shouldn’t even have a say,

  so why do I keep thinking they do?

  k.l.

  logomachy: an argument about words.

  Novaturient

  You left me.

  You decided I wasn’t enough.

  You had every chance I could ever give you and then some.

  You chose to walk away.

  You decided that you didn’t love me.

  All of this is on you.

  Finally, I decided that you don’t get to decide anything for me anymore.

  You do not get to adjudicate my anger.

  You do not get to tell me that I cannot be happy.

  You do not get a say when I’m with him and we run into each other for the first time.

  You do not get a say when I do not wish to speak to you.

  You do not get to tell me that you want me back,

  and you definitely do not get to tell me that you did in fact love me.

  For once, you do not own me.

  Even though you caused all of this entirely, you do not get a say on how I choose to let you go.

  k.l.

  novaturient: desiring or seeking powerful change in one’s life, behavior, or situation

  Insouciant

  I finally learned

  that my mental health

  is way more important

  than the idea of two fingers

  stuck inside

  and me moaning out your name

  k.l

  insouciant: free from worry, concern, or anxiety; nonchalant

  Filipendulous

  You don't have to tell me you lost feelings for me,

  I fucking felt it.

  k.l.

  filipendulous: hanging on by a thread

  he left

  I cried

  isn’t that such a beautiful goodbye?

  k.l.

  Hey Good Lookin’

  He liked the oldies.

  “They hold power and wisdom,” he’d tell me.

  He’d serenade me night after night with the love only people born in the 1920’s would know.

  Soon enough, I found myself presetting stations, listening to them wherever I drove.

  Their voices grew louder and his grew quieter.

  It wasn’t long before I figured out he was only using me as a warmup.

  He became her main event.

  He cut his hair and changed his style.

  One must please their audience, should they not?

  I now have one preset on my radio that I will always skip over.

  My heart doesn’t have the strength to hit clear, but I know my ears would bleed if they had to hear the God-awful noise I once believed was love.

  k.l.

  Visibility

  We were perfect on paper,

  but our 3D printer couldn’t seem

  to work out our kinks.

  k.l.

  backpfeifengesicht

  I was so in love with you

  that my own existence became irrelevant.

  k.l.

  backpfeifengesicht: a face in need of a slap

  Keeping My Own Head Above Water

  Not once did you try to save me.

&nbs
p; You let me drown.

  k.l.

  Alexithymia

  As I held your face between my hands, I believed I loved you.

  I had never seen your eyes so bright.

  The blue that outgrew the grey could make the Caribbean jealous.

  Hell, it made me jealous.

  Your hands sat perfectly on my hips,

  and your smile was beyond the typical image of a smile.

  Just in the way we kissed made our bodies become one.

  I think you believed you loved me too,

  and that was why it became too much for you.

  I’m sorry I couldn’t make you stay.

  I’m sorry I wasn’t her.

  I hope she sees everything I saw in you and more.

  I hope she convinces you that love is vulnerable and despite what you think, it is worth fighting for.

  Just because I wasn’t the person that could make you see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

  k.l.

  alexithymia: a person has trouble recognizing and describing their emotions

  I Want My Sanity Back

  I have this fear lurking deep inside my mind.

  When I met him, the idea itself went away,

  but then he did to me what he did to me,

  and afterward he just left with no remorse.

  As each day comes and passes,

  I find this fear slowly crawling its way up my spine

  and seeking a place to reside.

  He comes back to me from time to time,

  but my body doesn't belong to him anymore.

  Or does it?

  k.l.

  Happy Endings Are Just a Myth

  I waited for you to text me

  A long and slow wind

  I sat and thought about what you would say

  It was hard to keep the tears from my chin

  I was so damn curious about how you would apologize

  My heart sank as I thought about all of the lies

  Honestly, I don’t think you understand

  I needed that text more than my body needed actual air

  Months later, it finally came

  It was a “hi, how are you?”

  I physically felt as my heart sank

  When I didn’t reply, you assumed I was fine

  but boy, you should have read in between the lines

  Out of the blue you thought it was acceptable

  to send me your fucking nudes

  The lump in my throat clogged

  I have never felt so used

  Why is it such a problem for you

  to keep your dick inside your pants?

  Maybe if you did,

  I would still do my occasional happy dance

  Your hands were cold

  and your eyes were wild

  I kept saying “no,”

  but you treated me as if I were a child

  My father raised me to never allow a man to bring me harm

  but my father never had to experience the struggle outside of the farm

  I cried and cried

  and you lied repeatedly

  My thighs still ache with the points you made

  To this day, that is something I never wanted you to take

  You had no right

  but I had no fight

  You won

  I lost

  How hard is this life?

  I used to say I’d forgive you,

  but I could never get the words to come from your mouth

  A simple apology is all I wanted,

  something to prove you knew what you did was wrong

  Just an apology is all I needed

  Something to show me that I am still strong

  k.l.

  Anagapesis

  I prayed daily for you to come back.

  I prayed for your safety.

  I prayed for your well-being.

  I prayed for God to forgive your sins,

  especially the sins you did to me.

  I prayed for whomever was to love you next,

  would love you with so much love that your faults would disappear, and you would love them with equal or greater value.

  I prayed so much that I cannot recall the moment where it became pathetic.

  Today, I deleted that preset on my radio.

  Maybe for once it was you who prayed for me.

  k.l.

  anagapesis: no longer feeling any affection for someone you once loved

  I Owe You Nothing

  I will not apologize for not replying to your texts anymore.

  I will not apologize for keeping my head down and walking away quickly before you can confront me each time we see each other in public.

  I will not apologize for never answering your calls.

  I will not apologize for grasping the fact that it was your choice to leave me after everything you had done to me.

  I will not apologize for waking up and realizing that keeping you in my life was worse than breathing in the pain from losing you.

  I will not apologize for letting myself have the triumph of learning to be free and accepting the things that actually matter in my life instead of letting a boy control my well-being.

  I will not apologize for acting like you do not exist.

  After everything you put me through, I question if you even did.

  k.l.

  Convivencia

  There’s a boy at my work

  who looks just like you.

  The first day I saw him, I thought you were him.

  I got a chance to know him and realized just how polar opposite you two are.

  It’s kind of funny though.

  His girlfriend resembles me.

  In fact, her and I could be twins.

  When I look at them, I see you and I in an alternate universe.

  A universe where we didn’t hurt each other.

  A universe that made sure we worked out all of our faults instead of making them worse.

  A universe that wasn’t constantly against us.

  The more I’m forced to see him, the more I wish to speak with him.

  The more intrigued I am in this life.

  The more engrossed I became in their love.

  In a sick, twisted way, I feel like I’ve gotten more closure from this complete stranger than I ever did with you;

  a boy who stole an entire year of my life.

  They say we have seven people in this world that look just like us.

  What if our other six are together and you and I were just the only two that were doomed from the beginning?

  k.l.

  convivencia: “living together,” in the sense of living or working closely with other people with whom you share feelings, desires, or a common purpose

  Koyaanisqatsi

  Apparently,

  every cell in our body is destroyed

  and replaced every seven years.

  It’s comforting to know that 6 years from today,

  I will have a body that has never touched yours

  and I can finally wipe you clean from my soul.

  k.l.

  Conclusions

  Moral of the story is:

  I will never be a good enough woman for you

  because you will never be a good enough man for me

  k.l.

  Displeasure

  You know that mood of annoyance

  that sets in

  if you don’t climax

  when your brain is set on orgasming?

  Yeah, that’s how I feel every time I see you.

  k.l.

  Orenda

  I’ve learned that it isn’t about moving on,

  but rather about moving forward.

  Trust me when I say that ignoring you isn’t hurting me.

  I would love to reply to your texts, answer your calls, and possibly see you face to face one last time,

  but I know that it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us,

  esp
ecially for me.

  I’ve made my peace with all of the pain we caused each other:

  all of the pain you’ve caused me.

  I’m moving forward.

  I think you should too.

  k.l.

  orenda: a mystical force present in all people that empowers them to

  affect the world, or to effect change in their own lives

  Masked

  How much pain

  and rejection

  must I go through

  before I stop believing

  in the concept of love?

  k.l

  Nodus Tollens

  We flirt

  and kiss

  We coo

  and charm

  but the moment I tell you my past,

  and the reason why I won’t just “fuck,”

  you’re suddenly not interested in me anymore.

  k.l.

  nodus tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

  1:32 am thoughts

  Tonight, I found my light at the end of the tunnel.

  The world isn’t as cruel as I’ve been blaming it to be.

  I’ve been messing around with boys

  only to realize I should’ve been seeking a man.

  k.l.

  Dwaal

  When you touch my skin,

  it feels as if you are touching my soul.

  My body becomes zealous for you.