After Everything Has Been Said and Done

by Katie Tyler

  A request I normally deny.

  You’ve awakened parts of me that I didn’t know existed,

  and you’ve calmed storms inside of me that have constantly been brewing.

  I don’t see a future with you

  not because you weren’t made for me,

  but maybe because you absolutely were.

  k.l.

  dwaal: a dreamy, dazed, absent-minded or befuddled state

  Metanoia

  You’re ignorant,

  conceded,

  sometimes too brutally honest,

  but you make me a better person.

  I see you for you,

  you see me for me,

  and together, we see each other in ways

  neither one of us thought possible.

  Today, I watched you stop yourself before saying something

  harsh to protect someone’s feelings.

  My heart kind of knew in that moment

  that you were the person I was meant to find.

  k.l.

  metanoia: change in one’s way of life resulting from penitence or spiritual conversion

  Liripoop

  The day I gave you cartoon stickers, I watched your face light up much like a child's.

  There was a new look in your eyes,

  and if I’m not mistaken,

  I think that’s the day I started falling in love with you

  k.l.

  liripoop: a silly person

  Thrown off Balance

  I have never been more confused.

  We’re friends but we’re not.

  We flirt but we don’t.

  We’re a perfect couple yet we’re not really perfect for each other.

  Everyone implies we look at each other like we’re in love,

  yet some days I hate you more than I can even express.

  What are you doing to me?

  k.l.

  Vexation

  We annoy each other,

  pester each other,

  purposely piss each other the fuck off.

  I have a problem with walking away mid conversation when things become awkward,

  and you have a problem of saying my name, but never coming after me.

  We have this tension that grows more and more each day,

  yet we never fully act on it.

  There isn’t a future that directly ships you and I,

  but I only see a future that concerns you and I.

  k.l.

  vexation: the state of being annoyed, frustrated, or worried.

  Opia

  I get excited on the days I get to see you

  because our tomorrow is not given,

  and our past is one yet to be reckoned with.

  k.l.

  opia: the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which

  can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

  I Need Your Reply

  I could make a list

  about everything involving you,

  and the way each thing on that list

  makes my heart flutter because it’s you.

  Such as the tiny specks of green in your eyes

  that outshine the dark brown when you’re happy,

  or how I catch you staring at me

  and you become frantic because you’re scared of freaking me out.

  I like the way that when we’re mid conversation, your eyes look down to my lips but quickly return so that you think I don’t notice.

  It’s cute.

  And when you tell me I’m cute,

  I almost lose my cool.

  Your voice changes when you’re talking to me.

  It’s like you’re not trying to impress anyone, but rather as if you’re opening up and expressing your deepest feelings because you trust me.

  You’ve picked up some of my mannerisms, and I can imply I’ve picked up some of yours.

  I don’t know if all of this is a good thing or if it’s bad,

  but I’m willing to find out if you are.

  k.l.

  Past

  I was shaped by him,

  but I am not defined by him

  k.l.

  Sarang

  I didn’t understand the word "safety"

  until you pulled me into your arms.

  For the first time in my life,

  I knew someone wouldn’t let go.

  k.l.

  sarang: the feeling of wanting to be with someone until death

  Interactions

  My heart jolted but you kept laughing at my misfortunes.

  I let go of your hand and started walking away.

  “No, come back,” you said.

  I let out a dramatic sigh and turned on my heels, shaking my head.

  “Come here,” you stated once again.

  I tried hiding the smirk on my face as I crossed my arms and stayed put.

  You mimicked my pose but arched your eyebrow.

  “Come here,” you practically laughed this time.

  “No,” I said. “You come to me.”

  A wild look appeared on your face. It’s as if you have never been challenged. Our stares became intense, but as I turned back on my heel to walk away, you took three long strides, and grabbed my arm, pulling me into your chest.

  “You baffle me sometimes,” you whispered in my ear.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because I’ve never met a girl like you.”

  k.l.

  Erratic Thoughts

  Sometimes we’re strangers,

  sometimes we’re best friends.

  There comes a time when you open up

  only to close your heart again.

  I know you’re confused

  and honestly, I am too.

  I don’t know exactly what I feel,

  but I do know it’s precisely about you.

  Your words are enough

  to break my heart,

  but truly it’s the silence

  that tears us apart.

  Are we one in the same

  or are we worlds apart?

  The answer is infinite.

  We don’t know how to play our parts.

  k.l.

  Arguments and Attributes

  I like him

  but I don’t want to date him.

  I want to go on adventures with him

  but I don’t want to meet his friends.

  I want to hold his hand in public

  but I don’t want to have a label.

  I want to know he’s mine

  but I don’t want to hold him back.

  I want to cuddle him when he cries

  but I don’t want to live out his typical Friday nights.

  I want to know his deepest secrets

  but I don’t want to have to persuade his mom to protect her feelings.

  I want to lean on him when my times are tough

  but I don’t want him to know that I’m actually vulnerable.

  I want everything with him

  but I want nothing at all.

  Does any of that even make sense?

  k.l.

  Frankly Honest

  Ideally, I have conceptualized this quandary,

  specifically because fucking you keeps running through my mind and it’s quite irritating.

  k.l.

  Imagery

  Are we really falling in love or are we falling in familiarities? When two people are forced to be together for long periods of time, I’ve always said those two people will fall for each other. Whether for worse or for better, there would be a special place in their hearts for the other. I would like this to be our case, but I don’t want to be just making up scenarios in my head again.

  k.l.

  Lightning Bugs

  The thing about lightning bugs is

  they are spontaneous.

  They occur in the mist of darkness

  and shine for the soul who needs them the most.

  You are my lightning bu
g.

  Every time I see you,

  my heart fills with so much joy

  and I never have to question why I feel so much excitement in your presence.

  k.l.

  I Lied to Myself

  After he left, I promised myself I wouldn’t fall in love.

  Not until I became stable.

  Not until I felt secure.

  Not until I met “the one,”

  but one night, we were laughing so hard

  and your fingers danced on my skin, causing such a desirable sensation in ways I had never felt.

  I was infatuated in the idea of you and I.

  As I swatted your shoulder and told you I hated you,

  the truth laid deep in my eyes.

  I guess it’s true when they tell us we’ll never figure out

  how love works particularly because love reminds me of you

  k.l.

  “I do love you,” I confess. “Since day one, I couldn’t help but fall for your stupid ass.”

  k.l.

  Sehnsucht

  “I hate it when people pull on my hair,” you said, breaking our kiss.

  Instantly, my hands jerk away, and I find myself trying to give us as much room as possible.

  This is where they start implying your faults...

  This is where they start running...

  You begin laughing and grab my wrists, pulling my body back to yours.

  wait...

  “What?” I ask, wide-eyed and alert.

  “I said I hate when people pull on my hair. You are not people. You are the second half of my soul. It’s an understatement saying I love when you pull on my hair.”

  A wide smile breaks across my face.

  Suddenly all of my fears vanished from my mind.

  I am worth it...

  k.l.

  sehnsucht: the inconsolable longing in the human heart for we know not what

  Who? You

  I want you to love me.

  I want a real, unrealistic kind of love.

  I want a love like you’ve never felt before

  and a love that you never thought you were capable to feel.

  I want a love made for just you and me.

  I truly care about your past, but it doesn’t decide our future.

  Our future is what we make it,

  and I’m telling you

  that I want to love you unconditionally

  and irrevocably

  and I want you to love me, for me.

  k.l.

  Kilig

  I look at you and I see happiness.

  My eyes water not of pain but out of merriment.

  You have to forgive me each time I question why a person like you would ever wish to be with a person like me.

  Late at night, I can’t help but stare at the ink that runs down your arm.

  Each image moves as your unconscious body tightens its grip around me.

  Your past life ceaselessly keeps me guessing.

  I ponder if one day you’ll have a tiny persona that reminds you of me laced in black inscribed somewhere on your skin.

  A selfish part of me hopes that you will.

  To be honest, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to like a person so much.

  I never saw myself finding joy watching the seriousness on your face as you turn each page in one of your favorite novels. I like how your eyebrows scrunch together and your nostrils flare as if you cannot believe what you’ve just read, regardless if you’ve already read it one hundred times before. I also like it when we’re cuddled up on the couch and you get angry because I ask too many questions. We both know I do it to annoy you and I cease my victory because I always do. Even though you won’t admit to it, you wouldn’t be able to sit through an entire movie without me. I like our endless bickering and that the moment it turns serious, you’re the first one to apologize because it would hurt you to see me cry. I like the way your hair naturally curls, and the nervous habit you have of running your hands through your hair. I like you so much as a person that sometimes I take you for granted and I have to continuously apologize because I don’t know what I’d do without you. I pray I never have to find out, but most importantly, I like that I like you so much that I know my own heart is in love with you with its every last beat.

  k.l.

  kilig: the rush or the inexplicable joy one feels after seeing or experiencing something romantic

  The Soul Is a Drug

  Connecting with someone on such levels is the heroine we didn’t know we needed, but the minute it is taken from us, we are literally crying, shaking, shivering, sick to our stomachs all because the withdraw is real and the addictions are sometimes too hard to fight.

  k.l.

  Elysian

  When you walked into the room,

  my legs were uncrossed, spread wide and wanting.

  My face showed nothing but bitterness, and I couldn’t even bother to look up from my phone to acknowledge your existence.

  Your friends said to stay away from me because I was “cold.”

  Someone once took my heart and smashed it into so many pieces

  that I decided I no longer wished to seek what having

  a whole heart would feel like again.

  You took a risk though because I was a nightmare

  and you were up for a challenge.

  I’m glad you did.

  You appear to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

  Thank you.

  k.l.

  elysian: beautiful or creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect

  Sciamachy

  You’ve questioned why I’m afraid of falling in love.

  My dear, it is not that I am afraid of loving,

  for I love a lot of things.

  I love my family.

  I love animals.

  I love the smell of old book stores and the way the sky turns groovy after it rains.

  I love staying in my pjs and watching Netflix all day.

  I love tacos and I love silk sheets.

  I love watching the world turn around me and to be put in my place when my “big” problems appear pointless because they are actually so small.

  Hell, I think I may even love you,

  but you see, my fears lay within the words “falling in love,”

  because you never truly know a person’s intentions with you,

  and for that reason,

  I don’t want to fall and not be caught

  k.l.

  sciamachy: a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow

  Dépaysement

  I was mad at you,

  and you stood outside the bathroom door until your knees had grown weak

  and my sobs became silent.

  As I ran my hand underneath the frame,

  your fingers laced on top of mine

  and for the first time in my life,

  I didn’t feel so alone.

  Suddenly, all of the anger inside of me fizzled out

  and in that moment,

  I knew you were the one I had been waiting my whole life for.

  k.l.

  dépaysement: when someone is taken out of their own familiar world and into a new one

  Carnal Knowledge

  I’m in fascination with the way you cum.

  Your fingers dig deep in my hair,

  but your eyes remain attached to mine.

  Is this what intimacy is?

  k.l.

  Forelsket

  I came home shaking that night.

  My anxiety had already busted through the roof

  and my words were coming out as stutters.

  Automatically, you knew what was wrong.

  I had saw him.

  The guy who stole my innocence even though there was no consent.

  Your fists balled and I could feel the anger

  radiating off of you throughout the entire room.

  As I fell to the ground with tea
rs streaming down my face,

  finally questioning why that man could’ve done something so cruel to me, you came rushing over, giving me the security that I had been longing for.

  You would never hurt me.

  You would never lay a hand on me.

  You would never do to me what he did to me.

  You wrapped me in your arms and even though my insides had just been broken once again, I could feel them floating around

  and putting the pieces back together.

  This was the best feeling I yet to experience.

  k.l.

  forelsket: the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love

  Butterflies

  I have a gut feeling that everything is right

  and that scares me the most

  k.l.

  Infatuation versus Love

  I remember the day you came into my job right as we were closing,

  half asleep, very cranky, but full of life as soon as your eyes met mine.

  “He’s in love with you, you know” my coworker told me.

  “Yeah, I know”

  k.l.

  Rapport

  We shared intimacy by physical contact,

  not by physically fucking.

  Everyone should learn the difference.

  k.l.

  rapport: A close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings

  Kallie