The Screenwryter's Toolbox

by Steven Haas

  Understanding cliché at the master level means understanding that cliché is NOT an insult.

  Cliché is reliable.

  Cliché is building a house with windows. Cliché is designing a car with four wheels. Cliché is throwing in some pumpkin spice and raking in that sweet October cash.

  So to all the cliché haters out there I say Good Luck. Good luck with your super unique window-less prison-house. Good luck with your 7-wheeled Ford Shit-box. Good luck with your screenplay that takes place entirely inside Mother Teresa's womb. I'm sure it will find its rightful place in the entertainment industry next to the other icons on your desktop.

  THE POWER OF MYSTERY

  Your goal as a writer is to captivate your reader. It is paramount that your story makes them want to keep turning the pages. And what is the best tool writers have to do this?

  Mystery.

  Mystery creates intrigue. Intrigue makes the reader curious. And curiosity keeps the reader interested. And with enough mystery the reader might even read your entire script. An incredible feat.

  So how do you create mystery?

  Simple: Add elements that confuse the reader. Not so confusing as to make them give up but just confusing enough to keep them reading. Consider adding details that are unimportant in the moment but have a feeling of importance.

  For example, if your main character is sneaking through an abandoned warehouse it might read like this:

  That's fine. But let's take it to the master level by adding some mystery:

  Now I know what you are thinking: What in the hell is the Queen Doll?

  It doesn't matter.

  But the reader doesn't know that. And the reader is going to keep turning those pages, waiting for the Queen Doll to show up again. And the pages will turn and turn.

  For the skeptics out there saying: isn't the reader going to be mad when they get to the end of the screenplay and these “intriguing” questions haven't been answered?

  Simple: Find out in the sequel. Now we've added more intrigue. And now they're reading more of your work to find out what the Queen Doll is.

  SIDE NOTE: If you really are curious what the Queen Doll is, keep reading, I will answer it before the end of the book.

  EDITING

  The most difficult part of writing is editing one's own work. After all, the point of a screenplay is to create a movie in the reader's head. And since you know what the ideal movie looks like in your own head, it is impossible to know just how poorly a job the words you've written have done.

  So how do you combat this? How do you edit your work and determine if the words you've written are achieving what you intended? Must you rely on peers and disappointed relatives to read your work and attempt to give feedback? Must you befriend the antisocial cave-dwellers at the coffee shop who work on screenplays themselves?

  No, of course not. Never talk to the screenwriters at the coffee shop.

  You must be able to read your own work objectively. But how is it possible to write a draft of a project and then read it later for the first time?

  Most amateur screenwriting books address this problem by simply ignoring it. And even the most seasoned screenwriting teachers will argue that it is physically impossible by the laws of science to write something and then read it later for the first time.

  Thankfully they are wrong. And it is possible due to the power of “substances.”

  I suggest writing every first draft in a state of blackout drunkenness. Complete and total inebriation. Only in this state can you write words that will later be unrecognized by yourself.

  And after you wake up and nurse the hangover, the editing begins.

  This is how Lucas wrote Star Wars, how Bolt and Wilson wrote Lawrence of Arabia, and how Brando rewrote Apocalypse Now.

  Consider tailoring your drink of choice to the story you're writing. Are you telling the story of an all American action hero? Drink enough Budweiser to kill a medium sized Grizzly. Is your hero exploring the Cancun party life? Have some Tequila. What if your main character feels lost in suburban boredom? Take a hand-full of Ambien and get to work.

  Now let's take this discussion to the master level.

  Remember that in order to maximize your productivity, writing and editing should be done in different spaces. In order to preserve your domicile as the location of your editing, find a different space for the creation process.

  My process for writing a first draft is to consume the necessary amount of alcohol, cry the demons out of my system, and wander to the nearest coffee shop or public room-shaped enclosure.

  If a uniformed police officer inquires about your inebriated gait, politely inform him or her than you are working. If anyone else inquires about it, tell them to fuck off.

  Only through freeing yourself from the conscious mind can you hope to preserve objectivity later on.

  Also, remember that as humans, sunlight dictates our circadian rhythm which gives us energy. For this reason, it is best not to wait until sundown to begin your creative exploration. I recommend getting started shortly after breakfast.

  SIDE NOTE: Hello “sober me.” I think the chapter on editing looks really great and I can't wait for you to read it. Also, I went ahead and texted our ex because I know you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself.

  SELF-CRITICISM

  An alternate name for this chapter is “Why You Hate Yourself.” And you're not alone. All writers hear a voice in their head that browbeats their work and some writers hear multiple voices up there. This self-hating voice tells the writer their work is garbage and they will never achieve success. This voice exists because all writers hate themselves.

  SIDE NOTE: If you achieve any degree of success more than another writer, they also hate you.

  But where does this self loathing come from? Is it your parent's fault?

  Of course. But who else is to blame?

  Well, you are.

  The personal insecurities that drew you to creative expression through writing are the same insecurities that remind you your work is garbage. As you stare down at the outline you've created, your self-criticism lets you know that you will never succeed and you will be an embarrassment to everyone you know.

  So the obvious question to address is: How do you block out this startlingly accurate voice of reason? After all, it is very difficult to pursue a creative field while constantly being reminded you are completely average.

  First off, give a name to the voice in your head. It is important to personify this dissenting critic. Mine is named Jerry. Maybe yours is named David. Or Ricardo. Or Dad. Once you've given the voice a name, it's time to put the voice in its place.

  Yell as loud as you can “Shut up ______”

  Is the voice still there? Apologize to the library staff and yell it again.

  Your relationship with self-criticism should be a battle. And remember that the best defense is a good offense. The voice in your head is trying to destroy your self esteem. Destroy your voice's self esteem first. Draw a picture to personify the voice. Or find a picture of a random person through Google Images. Hang the picture from your wall and practice your knife throwing.

  Is the picture of your voice overweight? Tell him or her that. Remember that any sense of discouragement should be channeled into violent aggression.

  SIDE NOTE: Using the name / picture of your ex-wife is not recommended.

  BRAND

  The true juggernauts of Hollywood are the creators who don't stop. They were able to propel the success of their first project into a string of projects that is sometimes referred to as a “career.” But how were they able to do this?

  The answer is “brand.” They established a brand for themselves that they are known for. Make no mistake, having success in the entertainment industry is only possible with brand.

  But what is brand?

  Brand is an indentifiable aesthetic.

  Brand is consistency in work.

  To put it concisely, brand is ma
king the same creative choice over and over again.

  When you think of brands in the entertainment industry, what comes to mind? Perhaps Tim Burton's dark color palette, Michael Bay's action-orgies, or maybe those casting couch porn video actual-orgies.

  Brand is a combination of style and repetition. Decide on something unique and exaggerate it to the point of insanity. Then rinse and repeat and ta-da! You've got a brand.

  Brand is a curse and a gift. If you properly form one, you'll work forever.

  SIDE NOTE: You'll get pretty sick of your work after a year or two.

  Take John Hughes. He made a ton of movies about teenagers coming of age and, as a result, is an American treasure. How many of those movies do you think he really wanted to make? What do you think his personal diary looked like? It probably didn't say something along the lines of “I hope I get to keep making these coming of age movies aimed at 13-year-olds. It sure would be a shame to expand on that outline I wrote about the double amputee war veteran.”

  But he did it because brand is necessary. Would Adam Sandler continue to create movies if he abandoned his brand of silly humor aimed at the intellectually stunted? Of course not. But because his brand is strong he is able to pump out movies year after year despite the quality of said movies dipping from mediocre to childish to culturally embarrassing to culturally masochistic.

  So how do you create your own brand? Well you could make a bunch of movies about neurotic intellectuals who have trouble with women.

  Just kidding, Woody Allen did that already.

  What about movies about the world ending?

  Sorry, Roland Emmerich beat you to it.

  How about movies that redefine themselves in the last scene at the cost of any narrative coherency and emotional stakes?

  Nope, M. Night Shyamalan got there first.

  How about you make two good movies and then a bunch of shitty ones?

  M. Night again.

  The point I'm making is that I can't tell you what your brand is. If I met the 23-year-old Terry Gilliam there's no way I could have known to say “Hey Ter-bear, why don't you tilt the camera a bit and slap on a fish eye lens?”

  Luckily, this topic is not one you have to dwell on because if you achieve any degree of success, your brand will be decided for you. If you manage to have a screenplay produced and the project is profitable, executives will come banging on your door begging you to recreate whatever aspect of the project they believe is responsible for the profit.

  And if you do get this far and they do bring you in for a meeting, fight every urge you have to pitch whatever shitty vanity project you actually want to write.

  “It's the story of a Cambodian immigrant learning English in small-town Idaho.”

  Wrong. That is not the project you want to write. The project you want to write deviates from your last project just enough to convince the general public they're paying to see something original.

  Was your last project about werewolves? Maybe this new project could be about mummies.

  Just kidding, this new project will also be about werewolves. And the project after that will be about werewolves and so will the project after that. Pretty soon you will be introduced at parties as “the werewolf guy” and you will appear at Comic-Con fielding questions about the history of werewolves from a 42-year-old man-child dressed as a werewolf. People will see you on the streets and howl at you. Your children will cringe every time they walk by a costume shop. Your wife will pretend to support your work but in her eyes you will see she is aware of what you have become and the choices you made to get there. And you can take comfort in knowing that when you die, the fans you never asked for will be remembering your work by leaving patches of fur at your grave.

  So don't worry too much about brand. If you find success, brand will find you.

  PREMISE GENERATION

  Ideas. Creativity. Genius. Where do these things come from? Where is the genesis of an idea located? What part of the brain contains your next great idea?

  The answer is nowhere.

  Your next (or first) great idea is not locked away in some corner of your frontal lobe waiting to be discovered. You will not find it by staring at a wall, traveling the world, or consuming copious amounts of amphetamines.

  SIDE NOTE: I have only tried two of those three ideas.

  But wait, you're saying, there are hundreds or at least dozens of brilliant movie premises in existence. Someone had to think of those ideas, right?

  Wrong.

  And before you try to get ahead of me, let me be clear: I am not advocating for creating by committee. Trying to discover great ideas in a team is equally as worthless as doing it yourself.

  So if ideas are not generated by an individual brainstorming or by a group of people working together... how are great ideas generated?

  Simple: Randomness. Blind luck.

  And this brings us to the master level premise generation technique: the mad-lib technique.

  All great premises are created by combining two distinct story ideas and hoping for the best. If you do it enough, eventually you'll come up with something that works.

  And why is it called the mad-lib technique?

  Imagine someone approaches you and asks you to write a page of hilarious comedy. You could spend all day racking your brain for clever jokes and unique satire that will probably only appeal to a select few. Or, in the time it took you to write that page, you could fill out 200 mad-libs. Pick the funniest mad-lib. There's your great idea.

  And let's elevate our discussion to the master level by setting some ground rules for our random ideas:

  One story idea should be grounded in reality and the other must be batshit insane. Below are some examples:

  List One (Rational Movie Ideas):

  1.The story of a child who feels ignored and ostracized by his family.

  2.A poor man seeks to win the heart of a rich woman.

  3.A young man yearns for more than his simple life offers despite his family's desire for him to live at home.

  List Two (Fuckall Crazy Ideas):

  1.A study of violence and the addictive nature of pain.

  2.A criminal stumbles upon a stranger who he uses to seduce a virgin.

  3.A farmer goes on a road trip in order to kill a black man.

  Now that we've got three functional story ideas and three insane sentences, let's combine them:

  And that's how the studios came up for the ideas for Home Alone, Aladdin and Star Wars.

  So don't worry about racking your brain for that one perfect premise that's going to jump-start your career. Premise generation is like dating, it's a numbers game. Just come up with as many ideas as you can and one is bound to bang you.

  WRITING THE FANTASY

  This chapter is not about the fantasy genre. It is about the most prevalent mistake that amateur screenwriters make and it's referred to as “writing the fantasy.”

  Many people use writing as an escape. You put down onto the page your fantasies for a rich relative to finance into a movie. However this can create problems since the people reading your scripts do not want to waste two hours reading a story you wrote because killing terrorists in real life is too difficult.

  In order to avoid the common mistake of “writing the fantasy,” go back through your screenplays and see if they have any of the following:

  1. A quirky, beautiful woman courts a shy, unsuccessful man.

  This is an example of you, the writer, living out your fantasy of sleeping with a supermodel who understands why you're unique.

  This trope is often used by writers as a way of releasing their frustration onto the page. Real life is difficult and God forbid getting a girlfriend involve bettering your situation, improving yourself physically, or making yourself vulnerable. Consider masturbating before each writing session to avoid writing this fantasy.

  SIDE NOTE: The masturbation should occur before you get to the coffee shop.

  2. The main character is
a successful screenwriter.

  It makes sense to write about what you know. For this reason, you should not be writing about a successful screenwriter. Consider making your character a complete failure. Do you own a dog? Maybe your character should as well.

  SIDE NOTE: Actually maybe just come up with a new main character.

  3. A directionless man buckles down and changes for the woman he loves.

  Lady screenwriter(s), this is for you. Every girl wants a guy who is witty and suave and caring and will bend over backwards for the woman he loves. Unfortunately, no one watching your movie is going to believe this person exists. And if he does and the story doesn't end with him conning the woman out of her inheritance or coming out as gay then your story is broken.