The Screenwryter's Toolbox

by Steven Haas

  Writing your fantasies down is a great therapeutic tool. Normal people do this in a diary or journal and do not ask their friends to read them and give notes.

  SIDE NOTE: Asking friends to read your screenplay is a terrific tool for removing unwanted friends from your life.

  CONTESTS

  Winning a screenwriting contest is the best way to get your foot in the door of the entertainment industry. It is quite possibly the only chance you have at getting a script financed unless your geocaching hobby takes a takes a turn for the fortunate.

  Fellowships are another way of getting your foot in the door. They are similar to contests except instead of winning money, you get to sit through lectures about succeeding in the professional world from professional writers who were hired by old college roommates.

  SIDE NOTE: Consider taking a break now to check up on your old college roommates. Do they work in the entertainment industry? Do you still have those pictures of them you promised to destroy?

  The typical screenwriting contest receives between 1000 and 6000 entries. Take a moment to digest that. Imagine a jar with 6000 jelly beans in it. Would you like to drop your single jelly bean into it?

  If you said yes, you may have what it takes to be a professional screenwriter. And that will be $55.

  So how do you get your script noticed out of the thousands of desperate, sad people submitting to these cash grabs?

  The key to getting noticed is to tailor your script.

  Remember that every fellowship or contest is unique. Simply writing a script and sending it out is like throwing mud against the wall and hoping it sticks.

  Instead, turn that mud into high powered mud rifle bullets capable of shooting holes in the wall. Do this by researching the contests.

  The Austin Film Festival takes place in Texas. Would your script's chances be improved if the locations were made native to Texas? You bet it would.

  And what about the character names? If you're submitting to a contest in Boston, throw in a couple O'Doyle's. Does the main character need to be named Ahmed? Of course he doesn't.

  Is it an LGBT contest? Throw in a couple gays. Are we still talking about Boston? Call them fags.

  What is your name? Is it something boring like James? Why not change it?

  Diversity is all the rage in Hollywood now. Maybe Rashid would serve you better. Or find a new name by changing your computer's font to Wingdings and pressing a few keys.

  ifjc

  There's a diverse looking “name.”

  And what about gender? Women seem to be underrepresented in Hollywood. Why not change your name to Becky? That sounds like a woman. Why not spell it weird? How about Bekkye? That sounds like a diverse woman.

  If you win and have to collect your prize in person just say you're one of those trangentials or whatever the T in LGBT stands for.

  Does the contest ask for a short bio? I bet your chances would be improved if the judges were under the impression your parents died in a bombing in Syria. It certainly couldn't hurt.

  And now for a question you may be asking: Is this unethical?

  Absolutely not.

  If judges want to give a prize to a woman instead of a boring white male then it is your responsibility to give yourself and your script the best shot you can. It's not your fault women and minorities can't seem to get their act together and write a decent script.

  Tailoring your script to the contest it is being submitted to is an easy way to better your chances at receiving that brief glimmer of hope in the entertainment industry before being crushed by years of rejection. But let's elevate our discussion to the master level by posing this question:

  Does it even matter what advice I give? After all, you can't ALL win these contests.

  Or can you?

  The key to not just bettering your chances but winning a screenwriting contest is to get into a position where you select the winner of said contest. And the best way to do that is to start your own.

  Take a look at a few of my credits:

  San Fernando Valley Screenwriter's Award – Winner

  KAWL Festival – Finalist

  South Dakota Screenwriter Union Festival – Award

  Do those screenwriting contests actually exist?

  Of course they do. I should know, I created them. If they didn't exist then putting them on my resume would be lying.

  Did the contests receive many entrants? That depends on your definition of “many.”

  If you were alone on a desert island and another person suddenly washed ashore... well you just doubled the population of that island. The number 2 seems like a lot in that situation.

  Were both of the scripts submitted to the KAWL Festival mine? Does it matter?

  After all, I've discussed the subjective nature of writing so you understand that choosing a “winner” in a creative field is akin to throwing darts at a dart board. Is the dart closest to the middle the winner? Only if you think aiming for the middle is what you should be doing. When I play darts I like to aim for the wall behind the dart board. Or the guy at the bar who called me a queer. Does that make me worse at darts? Of course not. It simply means I have different goals than most dart players.

  So do not dwell on ethical concerns when starting your own screenwriting competition or when changing your name from Mike to Kimtree.

  But if you really want to make it fair, open it up to the public. Ask for submissions on Craigslist. And maybe charge $85 per entry to weed out the people who aren't serious.

  Be careful though, no one is going to believe you won 9 film contests in the same year or you received a lifetime achievement award at age 26. So don't go overboard. Listing your script as a semi-finalist is still worthy of mention.

  And best of all, this success will also improve your personal life. No more awkward Thanksgiving dinners answering questions like “How's L.A. going?”

  “Well I recently won a screenwriting contest AND I recently started my own screenwriting contest. So I'd say it's going pretty fucking great Uncle Gave-Up-On-His-Dreams.”

  SIDE NOTE: Consider using those Sundance leafs to make your winner awards look fancy.

  CONCLUSION

  What a journey. You've learned so much. From premise generation to editing to writing dialogue and action. You've learned techniques to impress and fool the readers standing in your way of selling a screenplay.

  But most importantly, you've learned all of this at the MASTER LEVEL.

  Which brings us to the natural question: Are you now a master?

  No.

  You are a master in training. You have only just begun your study of master level screenwriting. You are an apprentice to a great alchemist, a frat pledge to a seasoned date rapist. Master level screenwriting takes years of study and practice to fully understand. Imagine if you were trying to learn Portugese. Would it suffice to simply listen to all the Rosetta Stone tapes once? Of course not. You must hop on an airplane to Rio de Janeiro, take a cab to a favela, and immerse yourself in a world of drugs and prostitution.

  So what is the next step?

  To write. And write. And write and write. Generate premises, craft compelling characters, build stories.

  Do this every day of every week and maybe, just maybe, you will someday be deserving of the title “master screenwriter.”

  But remember, even if you utilize all the techniques and put in the work, success cannot be guaranteed.

  And why not?

  Because success means accomplishing your goals. And more than likely you've chosen terrible goals.

  Let's dig into this and ask: what is a good goal?

  Well how about a pop quiz:

  Which one of these is a good goal for an obese person?

  A. Get in good enough shape to bang a blonde Victoria's Secret model.

  B. Get to a point where friends and family stop using the nickname “Tubby Ted.”

  C. Lose ten pounds.

  If you answered A or B, you are incorrect.
And consider finding new friends.

  If you answered C... you are also incorrect.

  None of those are goals because none of those are in the fattie's control. Not even option C.

  People can't choose to lose ten pounds because people can't choose their weight. If people could, that Victoria's Secret model wouldn't be a model, she'd probably be working at Jiffy Lube.

  Some of you may be thinking “but people have control over their weight through diet and exercise.” And that's the point. The goal is to diet and exercise. Losing weight is the reward for achieving the goal.

  What if by some injustice, you don't lose ten pounds despite dieting and exercising everyday for 15 years. Does that mean you've failed? If your goal was to lose ten pounds then yes, you have failed. But if you set goals properly then you haven't. The Universe is simply unjust. Get used to it.

  Writing is no different.

  Your goal is not to become a staff writer or a successful screenwriter because those things require the actions of other people.

  Do you think you have any control over whether your screenplay is purchased? You don't even have control over whether the intern reading your screenplay is sober. What if that reader took mushrooms before cracking it open and thought the pages were trying to suffocate him? Does that mean you've failed to create a compelling script?

  Keeping in mind that you can only control your own actions, what is the goal?

  How about to sit down and write for 2 hours every day without a break? Why not 4? How about 12?

  Will these hours of work lead to a staff writer position? Maybe.

  But if they don't, does that mean you've failed as a writer? Not if you set goals properly. Then it's the Universe's fault.

  So what about the two most popular goals aspiring screenwriters set: fame and fortune.

  Fame is not a goal.

  If a goal is something you have control over, then fame is not only NOT a goal, it is the exact opposite of a goal. Fame literally involves everyone except the person setting the goal and is therefore the exact opposite of what is required of a goal.

  If someone asks you what your goal is and you respond with “become famous,” it is no different than if someone asked you what your favorite type of dog is and you responded with “my least favorite type of cat is the number 24.” You have managed to answer an opinion-based question 100% incorrectly.

  But if you really are stubborn and want to be famous, I recommend taking a bus full of people hostage. That should do the trick.

  EDITOR'S NOTE: Please do not take anyone hostage.

  And what about money? Is that a goal?

  No more than fame. Unless your goal is “print money” then money is only acquired from other people giving it to you. And like fame, wealth is literally the opposite of a goal.

  SIDE NOTE: If you're looking to kill two birds with one stone, I recommend ransoming the people on the bus.

  EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed in this book are those of Arnold Wryter and do not represent any other individuals affiliated with The Screenwryter's Toolbox.

  A goal does not relate to outputs, only inputs. The effort you put in is the goal. What you get out is called a reward. And if you think effort and rewards are related in any way, I recommend Googling “What is the lottery and how does it work?”

  And this is why I cannot guarantee success. Success can only come from proper goal setting and God knows I'm not taking responsibility for whatever batshit crazy goals you people set.

  So what can writing offer if not fame or fortune?

  Enlightenment...

  Is another thing writing cannot offer.

  Sorry to all the pretentious douchebag creative-types. The hours spent typing on your computer has not made you any more intelligent or worldly than your stoner friend who plays Halo in his mom's basement. Writing doesn't lead to enlightenment because enlightenment involves learning from others, not expressing oneself.

  Do you think Ernest Hemingway learned anything from The Sun Also Rises? Of course not, he wrote it. He already knew all that shit. To Ernest, that book was nothing more than a project. Like a grade-schooler turning in a diorama.

  So what can I say to reassure you aspiring screenwriters if fame, fortune, and enlightenment are out of the question?

  I can say you have a chance at a career.

  You all have a chance. From the borderline illiterate to the Pulitzer Prize winning playwright-turned-screenwriter. And not only do you all have a chance but you all pretty much have the same chance.

  Screenwriting is unique in that it is not only extremely competitive, it is extremely subjective. There are no reports or spreadsheets to quantify creativity and show who is truly best.

  So get excited! Because only in an industry dominated by subjectivity is hard work truly rewarded. This isn't high school basketball where you 5-foot white men are shit out of luck. This is screenwriting where you are only as good as the words on the page.

  So what should you do after you close this book?

  Sit down and write.

  For how long?

  Six hours.

  Some of you might be thinking “six hours seems like too much for me.” Okay, but it might not be too much for another person closing the book.

  I am a living example of this. I achieve because I never stop writing. How else do you think I got this manuscript to 1,497 pages in length?

  SIDE NOTE: I have been told by my editor some cuts are to be made.

  Hours and hours of work are the only chance you have. And that should come as a relief! Many of you are without jobs or social lives so time is on your side.

  You've probably met supposed screenwriters who have friends and hobbies and play on softball teams. They won't make it past 3 years out in L.A. They spread themselves too thin with human interaction and joy while you are locked away in a windowless room on the path to success.

  SIDE NOTE: If by some miracle they ask you to play on their softball team, accept. You could use the sunlight.

  So do not panic. Because screenwriting is not a sprint. Screenwriting is a marathon.

  A marathon without a discernible route or finish line.

  A marathon without encouraging spectators handing you water but instead worried family members begging you to stop running.

  A marathon officiated by a blind man who accidentally shot you in the leg with the starting gun.

  Best of luck!

  WRITING EXERCISES

  You've made it to the end! As a reward, it is time to get to work! Below are some writing exercises to jump-start your creativity.

  Understanding the setting your character feels most comfortable in can help you unlock who he or she is as a person. To dig deeper into this, write an entire screenplay from the point of view of the main character's bedside table.

  Translate your screenplay into Mandarin. This is a useful tool for learning Mandarin.

  Teleport your character to feudal Japan. How does he or she react? Are they surprised about the change or nonchalant?

  Write a scene with the word 'Renaissance' spelled incorrectly. Give it to your friends to critique. Do they catch it? Use this as a tool to see which friends are stupid.

  Actions speak louder than words. Write a scene with no dialogue and capture how your character behaves.

  Characteristics speak louder than actions. Write a scene with no dialogue or actions. Who is your character TRULY?

  Are your characters distracting from the narrative? Write a scene without dialogue, actions, or characters to capture the true essence of the story.

  Make a list of obstacles that can challenge your character. Now make a list of character to challenge your obstacles.

  Remember to never go easy on your character. What's the worst thing that can happen to him or her? Make that happen. Now pause and see if you can think of something even worse! If you can, you messed up the first part of the exercise.

  Write a scene with the word “razzafra
zz” in it. It's a fun word so have fun with it.

  Write an outline for a different movie. Is it better than your current one? If so, just write that movie.

  Write a manifesto in the voice of your character. Once completed, smear pig's blood on it and leave it outside your local police station. If a manhunt ensues, you will know the voice sounds authentic.

  Being able to generate pages fast is a skill all professional writers must have. To practice this, turn your apartment's heater on full blast until you have written 15 new pages or you pass out.

  The real world is the best place to find inspiration for characters. Pick out a stranger on the bus and adopt them as your character, following them around for the day and documenting their every move. Take this exercise to the master level by doing it for a month.

  Brevity is a skill. To practice making every word count, chisel your screenplay into stone. The extra words will melt away.

  Storytelling is a skill that can be practiced. Corner a stranger at a party and see how long they will allow you to speak before politely excusing themselves. Now see how long you can talk before they impolitely ask you to leave.