by Brynn Ford
Thank God for that smile.
"If that's what you want, then by all means."
She was suddenly stirring with brightness. I felt responsible for ensuring that light didn't dim for as long as possible. I was responsible for both of their happiness now.
* * * * *
“Let me just top that off for you, sweetie,” Ris said to Desi with a mischievous grin as she poured more wine into her glass.
Desi was already tipsy and Ris was enjoying adding fuel to that fire. I rather enjoyed watching Desi in a nearly drunken state, bouncing around in lighthearted joy.
I drank a glass more than I normally would have when trying to unwind and it was bringing out my more flexible and playful side, if you could even call it that. In reality, I never shared this side with anyone. This was a first for me, drinking with two of my former subs, neither of whom were doing anything remotely submissive for me at the present moment.
“This is unfair, Ris. Making us drink when you won’t drink with us," Desi fake pouted.
“It’s not that I won’t, just that I can’t on these pain meds.”
“So you say,” I tipped my glass at her in suspicion.
“Whose turn is it now?” Desi slurred.
“Mine,” Ris announced proudly, “Truth.”
“Okay,” Desi shifted to sit on her knees on the gray rug in front of my couch in the living room, “What was the most surprising thing Law had you do when you were his sub?”
Christ.
This game of Truth or Dare, which was Desi’s ill-conceived idea, was quickly turning into a game of quiz-Law-and-Ris-about-their-relationship-history. I didn’t have a problem talking about it per se, but the topic was counterproductive. I preferred to live in the present. If I didn’t, I would get stuck in my dark past.
“The most surprising thing,” Ris considered, tucking her leg beneath her on the couch.
I sat beside her, though there was a cushion that separated us on opposite ends of the sofa. I leaned toward her, almost certain I knew what she would say, but extremely curious to hear it, nonetheless.
“Hmm,” she dithered, “Well, nothing Law does surprises me anymore. But I would say the week he collared me, put me on a literal leash, and made me follow him around the apartment like a pet.”
“Like a pet? You were my pet, sweetheart.”
“That seems diminishing. Er, demeaning,” Desi giggled through her mixed-up vocabulary.
“It was actually kind of a big deal, being collared. For some people in our lifestyle, a collar can be like an engagement ring. That’s why it was the most surprising thing.”
Desi gasped, “An engagement? Like, you two were engaged?”
“Not in the traditional or literal sense, Blue,” I explained, “I didn’t have any inkling at the time she had her eyes on someone else.”
That someone else being the piece of shit who nearly killed her.
Twice.
“Did you ever put a collar on another sub?” Desi asked.
I shot daggers at her with my eyes for asking because I didn’t want Ris to know that she was the only one. I didn’t want her to know that I had taken the collaring more seriously than she had at the time. But I wasn’t going to lie because that just wasn’t my style.
“No.”
I braced for intense eye contact and further questions from either of them, but it didn’t happen. Desi looked at Ris with an odd expression I couldn’t decipher and Ris shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
“I don’t want to get into that,” Ris said.
Why does she look so damn uncomfortable?
Ris went on, “Your turn, Law. Truth or Dare.”
“Dare.”
Ris and Desi shared another look.
“I dare you to kiss Desi.”
I chuckled, “That’s hardly a dare. But I certainly accept if Desi consents.”
Her mouth hung wide open and she gaped at Ris. Then she turned to look at me, but not before closing the O her mouth had formed.
“A dare’s a dare,” Desi finally said with a quiet voice.
“Well, come on then,” I told her, straightening in my seat and patting my lap.
Both girls ganged up on me at the same time, both talking over each other to enthusiastically inform me that I was doing this wrong.
“It’s your dare,” Desi declared.
“You go to her,” Ris insisted.
Clearly, I didn’t know the rules of this pubescent game, but if this was the rule, I would follow it.
I always followed the rules.
I raised my eyebrows and stood, feeling drably unceremonious in my gray sweat pants and white t-shirt. Desi had insisted that I couldn’t join the pajama party without pajamas, serving as yet more proof that I had a serious weakness for her. For both of them, really. There weren’t any other subs I would ever have let see me this way. Except, I suppose Ris had from the beginning. She was the only one I had ever let sleep in my bed.
The only one.
Desi handed off her wine glass to Ris and comically rubbed her hands together before giving me an over the top come hither curl of her finger.
I shook my head as I smiled and dropped down to my knees on the plush rug, mirroring Desi’s position. If Ris was gonna ask me to put on a show for the first time I kissed Desi, I was gonna make it a good one. I scooted close enough to her so that if she were to rock forward an inch drunkenly, her chest would bump mine.
I put my hand on her cheek and she naturally leaned into it. Her eyes fluttered shut and she inhaled deeply, sensually. She was primed for touch in her inebriated state, especially after all of our pain play earlier.
“Holy hell, I wish I had popcorn for this,” Ris interrupted.
I snapped my head to look at her, “Shut up and let me do this, Angel.”
She looked amused, “Impatient, Sir?”
“Very, so shut your beautiful mouth or I’ll shut it for you,” I couldn’t help but glance at her lips in warning.
“Promises, promises,” Ris smirked, biting the tip of her finger seductively in the confident way she always did.
That subtle, sexy visual reached out and grabbed something inside me, tugging my life force in Ris’ direction for just a moment before Desi tugged it back to her.
“Oh, my God. What are you doing? I’m waiting!”
I looked at Desi to find her eyes were still closed, waiting for something to happen.
“Stop being so impatient. I’m going to kiss you.”
“Okay,” she replied nervously.
I nudged closer to her until our bodies touched and she audibly took in a sharp breath.
I was unusually gentle as I took her face in both hands, lifting her head as I whispered, “Open your eyes, Blue.”
She met mine with her chocolate diamond irises and it gave me a craving to taste her soul reflected in the dark candy color. She held still for me, though I gave her intensity.
She didn't pull away when I licked my lips.
She didn't pull away when I leaned forward.
She didn't pull away when my lips touched hers.
It was barely a touch, more of a gentle brushing. It was flesh greeting flesh with caution, uncertainty, hopeful longing. Slowly, she leaned into my kiss, gradually transforming it. I let her take it at her pace so I could just savor the moment.
From brush to touch.
Touch to press.
Press to bruise.
Bruise to taste.
Her lips parted for me and I slowly tasted her. My tongue entered and swept across hers, feeding her my sudden desire in slow burning swirls. She moaned against my lips and I felt the hum of the vibration trickle down through my entire body. My hips rocked forward, instinctively seeking the warmth of her body against me as I snaked my arms around her waist and hugged her close. After a few more brief, beautiful moments, Desi pulled away, putting her hands on my chest to push back, and ending our kiss.
We panted, looking at each other.
I could have stopped then if I weren’t already so tipsy and horny. Her wide brown eyes sang to me and suddenly, all I could see was Audrey.
Audrey.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I pushed, invading Desi's space without warning. I took her lips again swiftly as I took her down to the ground.
She let me.
She let me lay her down on the rug.
She let me kiss and lick and taste her.
She let me get lost in my own passion.
Until Ris.
“Whoa, there, slow down, pony,” Ris halted me mid-kiss, “It’s Truth or Dare not Suck and Fuck.”
Desi broke into a fit a girlish giggles, the air behind her burst of laughter pushing my lips from hers. I wanted to scold Ris for interrupting the moment, but the sound of Desi's laughter sparked joy I couldn't contain. I couldn’t help but to laugh along with her as I rolled off her onto the rug.
“Oh, God,” Desi said through her giggling, covering her face to hide the blushing of her cheeks.
I pushed up onto my knees and smiled down at her as my laughter slowly subsided, “Okay, Des, your turn. Truth or Dare.”
“Truth,” she spat out through intermittent drunken giggles, "I can't handle another dare like that," she wiped all trace of me from her lips with her hand.
I could play along with the light-hearted tone of the game or I could ask the real questions, the serious questions that I'd been wanting answers to for some time. I glanced at Ris to find her already watching me. Her bright blue eyes seemed to sparkle with encouragement, as if she knew what I was thinking. Of course she knew this was a rare opportunity to get a deep, secret truth from Desi, something that might help us to help her, a truth that might just provide her with the kind of cathartic emotional release she desperately needed.
There were so many questions I could ask, but one would get to the root of all of her problems.
I reached down to brush the wayward strands of hair from her goddamn beautiful face, summoning her attention with my touch and asking her for the truth.
"Tell us your most profound fear."
Chapter 9
Law
A breath puffed from between Desi's rosy lips, "Oh."
I stood, moving back to my spot on the sofa, making a bookend with Ris from where she sat on the other end. I almost regretted pulling Desi from her joyous, drunken laughter for such a serious question.
Almost.
"You want to know what I fear?"
"The thing you fear more than anything else."
Desi sat up slowly on the rug, crossing her legs in a way that made her look even younger than she was.
It was sobering for me.
My head turned as Ris sat up a little straighter, shifting to untuck her legs from beneath her and crossing one over the other instead. She leaned back then, watching Desi with an appraising look. Ris wanted the answer as much as I did.
Ris and I were similar in a lot of ways. Our discerning demeanors were the same, we mirrored each other that way. But I had never experienced this, where Ris mirrored me in real time as we both waited in anticipation of an answer from a sub. Watching Ris was like watching myself and it was truly fascinating, albeit harmful, for my already over-inflated ego.
Desi called my attention back to her.
"That's a really…" she stuttered and paused through her inebriation, "It's a hard question to answer."
Ris bit out a harsh, single syllable, "Try."
The corner of my lips turned up in amusement at Ris' dominant switch. I was about to say the exact same thing in the exact same way before she beat me to the punch.
Desi's eyebrows knitted together as she formed her response.
"I guess I'm afraid of…of being unnecessary."
"Unnecessary? Never, darling. Your existence is absolutely essential to everyone in this room. And to one man in particular, currently sitting in a jail cell doing nothing but counting the days until he can come home to you," Ris smiled down at her.
Ris' sharp cheekbones softened as her grin broadened, golden waves of hair brushing over her shoulder with the gentle toss of her head. All I could think of when I looked over at her was lightness and brightness. It was much needed in this sad, dark space Desi and I seemed to be creating together in our collective misery.
"What could ever make you think you’re unnecessary, Desi?” I asked, “Who put that thought in your head?”
I had to press. I found out too late that Audrey had felt unnecessary, too, though it couldn’t have been further from the truth. She’d been necessary to me, but that wasn’t enough. I refused to let Desi entertain the idea that she might not be needed. I wouldn’t allow her to think that way. My hands twitched at the sheer notion, my desire to physically punish the thought out of her head amped up my need to dominate.
Desi twisted her fingers together over her lap, watching them carefully as they coiled around one another, “I guess not so much that I fear being unnecessary. I fear not being a good enough wife, or not being something special to people I really, really love. I fear being replaceable.”
No.
Hell no.
Fuck no.
I shot to my feet, “That’s such bullshit, Desi.”
Two sets of eyes landed on me with a snap.
Ris held up her hand, "Easy. Don't shut her down when she's opening up to you."
"It's okay," Desi's voice was quiet as she slowly crawled onto the couch, sitting next to Ris.
"It's not okay," Ris wrapped an arm around Desi's shoulders, pulling her close, "He's overstepping with the dom-boy attitude."
I laughed, but not with humor, "Dom-boy? Are you kidding me?"
"Relax," Ris drew out the word, "Sit. Breathe. Let the poor girl talk."
Well, fuck.
Ris was right. I needed to let Desi open up, particularly since I was the one to ask the damn question in the first place. But it also pissed me off that Ris thought she could tell me what to do when I was the person responsible for taking care of Desi.
It pissed me off even more that Ris’ confidence made me feel some small sense of reprieve from that overwhelming responsibility.
Ris was a good friend.
Ris was a good dom when she wanted to be.
I just didn’t want her trying to control me.
I sat back down, only so I could get Desi away from Ris' grip and get her attention. But before I could command her, she started talking and her words held me rapt with attention.
"I want to be needed more than anything else. When I was pregnant with Lucy," she paused, leaning her head over onto Ris' shoulder, "I felt like the most important person in the world. I think I was the most important person in the world to her. It was the second time in my life I really felt like someone needed me."
"What was the first time?" Ris asked.
"With Vaughn," Desi smiled.
"I should've known," Ris smiled back.
"And then I failed her. I failed Lucy. I failed Vaughn,” Desi started rambling, “And now he's in jail and I'm here and I can't help him. And I think I must just be replaceable 'cause I'm failing all the time. I'm a burden now," she sniffled and I could already sense the sobs close behind, "You were the third person who made me feel needed, Law. But I'm the reason Vaughn’s in jail and now I'm a burden to you and Ris. You’ll just replace me with someone new. Just like you did to her. Just like you did with all your subs. And what if Vaughn doesn’t want me anymore when he gets out? Maybe he’ll go find a woman who can carry a fucking baby to term and give him the family he deserves. A woman who doesn’t run around behind his back. God, I’m such a piece of shit!"
That's when the sobs came, at the end of her drunken ramble. She cried as Ris held her and stroked her hair gently. Ris looked at me over the top of Desi’s head and told me with her eyes to be gentle about my approach. I felt like a dick because Desi was right that I’d replaced every sub with another, never looking for anything more than a short-term power
exchange, nothing more than physical pain and pleasure.
Maybe it was because Desi was hurting so much or maybe it was because I was tipsy. In either case, I was feeling uncharacteristically open and decided without reserve to spill my guts. I knew it might come back to bite me in the ass the next morning, but I wasn’t exactly operating on all cylinders.
“I think I ought to tell you about Audrey Adams.”
“Who?” Desi asked.
“Are you sure, Law?”
“Both of you just shut up and listen. You may not ever hear me talk about this again, so just keep your mouths shut and let me get this out.”
There was a beat of silence before Ris said, “Yes, Sir,” with such humility and respect for the truth I was about to share that it truly made my heart skip a beat.
I didn’t know how to process that, so I just pushed onward with my story after taking a quick mental picture of how ethereal Ris looked to me in that moment, caring for Desi.
“Audrey Adams was my first love."
"Your first love?" Desi repeated.
"Don't interrupt me if you want to hear this story," I warned, then paused to take in a deep breath, "I met Audrey my sophomore year at Northwestern in our social psych class. I remember the day I met her. It was at the end of class. I was talking to this girl in the row behind me, flirting, thought she was cute. I was sitting at the end of the row Audrey was in and she was trying to scoot past me to get out. I didn't notice her there at first, she was so quiet, unassuming. Her foot caught my ankle and she stumbled trying to step over my lap. She was holding her giant textbook, which she'd already bought for the class before it even started, and she swung it when she tried to turn to catch herself. Smacked me right in the jaw with the corner of it then landed her ass on my lap when she lost her balance," I smiled at the memory of her shocked expression and full-face flush in embarrassment.
"I think I swore at her, but when she started apologizing profusely for tripping when I was the asshat blocking the end of the aisle, I forgot all about the girl behind me. I knew I liked Audrey then. There was just something about her that spoke to me. We talked nearly every day after we met. Just as friends in the beginning.