by Brynn Ford
"Audrey understood me in a way I'd never felt understood before. We became best friends in no time at all and it wasn't long before I felt something more for her. It wasn't just a physical thing," I grinned, "Though there was that, too. She taught me a lot about myself, about the world, about humanity. She was one of the most insightful people I've ever known. She actually wanted to be a nurse, wanted to work in a psychiatric hospital so she could help people that were, as she said it, trapped inside their own minds.
"I fell for her heart, just the way she wanted to help people, to be enough, to save the world by caring. Audrey felt so strongly that sometimes it hurt her. It hurt her to see the world for what it really was. It hurt her to think that the world needed more from her than she could give. She got lost inside that despair. She'd been lost to it long before I ever met her, though I didn't know it. I was naïve. She was light on the outside, only letting a select few in to know the real her. She let me in. But I was young and stupid and I just didn't see it. I didn't see how lost she was until it was too late."
As I spoke, Ris moved slowly, coming to sit on her knees on the floor in front of me, looking up at me with concern and encouragement. I felt her power resonate as strength that somehow opened me up to vulnerability.
Or perhaps it was the alcohol.
"It's easier for me to say it now, though I wish it had been easier then; I fell in love with Audrey. It took me a damn long time to admit it to myself. By the time I was willing to do something about it, it was too late."
Desi was at my side now, watching me with careful eyes, "Why? Why was it too late?"
"Because she'd already decided on her own that she was unnecessary," I turned my head to make full, unyielding eye contact with Desi, "She'd already decided she was replaceable in this world. Though she was fucking wrong."
"What do you mean?" the question came out of Desi as a hushed whisper.
Ris already knew this story, but her gentle hands resting on my knees gave me the courage I needed to continue, courage I didn't know I'd lost.
"She left a note. She wrote about how she felt unworthy of her life. She wrote that she felt like she wasn't enough. She felt unloved. She felt like she was failing, that she’d become a burden in her depression rather than a helping hand to others in need, that she'd lost her purpose. She didn't know she was loved, needed, desperately needed. If I could’ve just found a way to show her, if I'd just shown her that I loved her, maybe she wouldn't have done it. Maybe she wouldn't have taken an entire fucking bottle of Xanax and killed herself," I paused, inhaled, steadied, "She did it in the middle of the night. Sat down behind her favorite reading tree near the campus library. I don't know how many goddamn times I sat there with her at that very tree. Just sat. Quiet. Reading. Really, most of the time, she was reading and I was watching her out of the corner of my eye, taking in the sheer beauty of her damaged innocence, the tragic perfection of her rawness and pain. She's the woman that taught me how beautiful the pain was. It was beauty I saw in her because she was real. Pain is only felt in reality, in truth. And she was the truest thing I'd ever known."
These girls knew me too damn well, neither speaking a word. Desi curled into my side, wrapping her arm around my waist and laying her head down on my chest as I lifted my arm to drape around her shoulders. I brushed my fingertips across Ris’ knuckles where they rested on my knees.
"You remind me of her, Desi. You have the same hair, same eyes, same desperate need to serve, same need to embrace the pain of life. But you have to know how strong you are. Your pain in life has been so great and I know it's made you question everything. You've lost so much in such a short time and I know you've wondered how you could possibly get through it all. You have to know that you're strong enough for it. And on the days when you feel like you aren't, you have me. You have Ris. You are enough, just you. Vaughn knows it, Ris knows it, I know it. You'll come to know it in your submission soon enough. I won't allow you to think otherwise."
I felt Desi nodding silently against my chest.
"You girls aren’t allowed to get me drunk. Never again."
Chapter 10
Ris
"I've been trying to fix every Audrey that's come into my life since she died, haven’t I?” Law asked me.
Desi passed out asleep with her head on Law's lap shortly after he told her about Audrey. She cried and wore herself out with the stress of confession. Law was stroking her hair as she slept where we sat together on the couch. I was beside him with Desi's legs curled up next to me, her toes wedged beneath my thigh for warmth.
"Every sub I've ever had,” he went on, “I chose because they reminded me of Audrey. I don't think I did it intentionally. Did I?"
I cocked my head, "Are you questioning yourself? You okay?"
"Seriously. Tell me. Have I been…shit. I've been trying to save Audrey all this time," his eyes were wide with the look of new found understanding as he dragged his fingers through his hair.
I kept my tone soft, "You know you can't save her, honey. She's been gone for a long time. It's not your fault that she's gone. She chose that fate. But if you're asking me if I think there's a common theme among the subs you prefer to play with?" I sighed, turning my body ever so slightly toward him, careful not to disturb Desi as I hooked my right elbow over the back of the couch and rested my head in my hand, "Yes, you do pick subs who remind you of Audrey. Young women who are strong but broken, damaged, women you know you can set free through their pain. It's exactly what you did with Desi. It wasn't the first time. Probably won't be the last."
He was quiet, "Maybe I want it to be the last."
"Do you?"
He didn't reply, just shook his head, gazing off at nothing behind me.
"Jasper, it's not a bad thing."
"Maybe it is. Does that make me some sort of predator? Going after women I know are broken? Women I think I can fix or save? You've always told me I have a bad savior complex."
"Oh, because you really do,” I sat up straighter and put on a dramatic tone, “Our Savior, the Almighty Jasper Haven, fixer of the broken and ruler of the ruined. Let us flock to you and bow before you on our knees in gratitude of your heavenly gift of fucking glorious subspace," I gave him an amused grin.
He smiled back at me, though it was restrained, "I'm trying to have a come-to-Jesus moment here and you're making a joke of it."
"I'm not entirely joking. Personally, I rather enjoyed my time spent worshipping at your feet."
The reminder of my time as his submissive made my heart pump a little faster.
I dropped my arm down on the back of the couch and reached out to draw circles on his shoulder with soft fingers, "So what? Maybe you are a bit of a predator. But let's put that into perspective, okay? When you're searching for a new sub, it's a little bit like you're hunting for a baby bird that’s fallen from the nest –"
"Fuck's sake, Christine," he interrupted me before I could finish my thought, "Baby birds? You're painting an awesome picture of me here."
"Hang on, I'm not finished," I scolded with a stern look and a gentle smack to his shoulder, "Yes, you hunt for baby birds. You seek out the little ones that fell from their nests, stalk them, prey on them, steal them away to play with. But you don't snap their necks and fling them around for the fun of it. That would be psychotic," I pointed a finger at him, "Which is a fine line, mind you. But what you do, Jasper Haven, is teach them how to play with a predator and survive. You teach them how to take the lot in life they've been given, the tragedies, the losses, the abuses, and fly free from it…fly away fucking free. You're a predator, yes, but you're also the fierce protector. You've stolen a lot of baby birds, but you've set them all free. Some of them are flying higher now because of you. I think it's honorable what you've done for your girls. You've saved us all and let us all go when we were ready to fly free. You gave us our wings."
The way he watched me as I spoke, the corners of his lips turning up with pride, threatened to crush my spirit
with the ache I had for him so suddenly. His eyes were bright, and though it was probably just his drunken haze, they appeared to have a glassy sheen of appreciation that made my fingers twitch against his shoulder, aching to hold his hand.
"You were no baby bird, Christine. You were always my Angel."
I swallowed hard, speechless. It took me a moment to gather myself. I cleared my throat. I opened my mouth to say something clever, something smart, something to draw his attention away from the flush of my cheeks, something to distract him from seeing the oddly timed desperation behind my eyes. But he had already seen it and I no longer cared.
Instead of saying something confident and worldly, I lowered my eyes and said, “Thank you, Sir.”
Law drew his tongue along his bottom lip as he set eyes on my mouth, “I do miss hearing that from you.”
“I miss saying it, Sir.”
What did I just say?
He shifted, then stilled looking down at Desi when she groaned at his movement. He waited until she settled into drunken slumber again before speaking.
“I think I’d like to hear you call me that again, Angel.”
I obliged, “Yes, Sir.”
His nostrils flared as he huffed out a heavy breath, “What’s happening here? What are you doing?”
I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know,” my head dropped, eyes fixing on Law’s hand that continued to stroke at the side of Desi’s head, “You know she’s not ready to be set free. She’s still one of your baby birds. I know it’s been hard for both of you, playing house, trying to behave yourselves in Vaughn’s absence.”
“I sense you're trying to make a point.”
“Desi still needs dominance. I need…”
You.
I need you.
I need him?
“…I need to start feeling in control again. But not all at once. I could use some empowerment myself.”
Law watched me with furrowed brow, considering.
I fought the urge to reach out and drag my finger across the lines of his serious, wrinkled forehead.
“You want to switch, between me and Desi,” he worked out.
“She needs us both. I need the both of you. You need the both of us. The dynamic could be powerful.”
“Intense.”
“Transformative.”
“Everything we need,” he said with plans already forming in his mind, wheels clearly turning behind his blue irises.
I felt bold, "I want it."
His eyes answered before his words, "I want it, too."
"What does this look like for you?" I asked, wanting to know the images forming in his mind.
My fingertips dared to caress, dancing softly in circles on his shoulder. He smiled at me and my stomach flipped.
"It looks like you submitting to me, and Desi submitting to you.”
"And in turn we both ultimately submit to you," I grinned, "Dream come true for you?"
He chuckled softly, "I would imagine for you, too. You’d get my dominance while also being able to dominate Desi."
"Do you think she'll go for it?" I nodded my head toward Desi.
He nodded, "Undoubtedly. She's desperate for direction," he paused, "She cries every night after she gets off the phone with Vaughn. It's actually painful to listen to."
"Does she know you're listening?"
"No. Actually, I don’t know. I don't think she would care if she did. She's just lost now without him. She was lost before. But she was in a good place before he got arrested, she was healing."
"I can't help but feel like it's my fault."
"Angel, don't you dare. It's Asher's fault. He's the reason for all of this. Not you."
I didn't want to wallow, so I decided to let it go and listen to him. I'd have to get back into practice with him anyhow if this triad we were discussing was going to work.
"Yes, Sir."
He gave me a soft, half-smile, lifting his stroking hand from Desi's hair and draping his arm across the back of the couch, nudging mine out of the way. He fingered a strand of my hair, combing his fingers down through the length of it.
"Good girl, Angel."
My breath quickened, "Sex," I blurted, "Is that on the table with this arrangement?"
His lips parted and he leaned toward me ever so slightly, "Do you want it to be on the table?"
My cheeks tugged gradually at the corners of my lips, pulling them into a devilish grin, "On the table, the bed, the floor. Anywhere is fine, really."
He licked his lips, "I've forgotten just how fucking fun you are," his eyes narrowed on mine, a dark wanting creeping in, "Yes, we can fuck. In fact, I'm going to expect it from you. I'll be surrounded by temptation with the two of you and I can't have her. Vaughn gave her permission, but she doesn't care, she won't allow it."
I stared him down, hardly listening, "Honorable choice for her. She wants to be a good girl. If I help her be a good girl, then do I get rewarded?"
"If she's a good girl, then you're a good girl, Angel. And you know I always reward my girl when she's good."
"So, tell me I'm your girl, Sir."
"You're my girl, Angel."
He quickly twisted a single strand of my hair around his finger and grasped it tight, giving it a brief, sharp yank.
I flinched, "Thank you, Sir."
"We should draft a contract before we talk to Desi about it."
I nodded, "And we’ll need to discuss it with Vaughn before we can get started. I know he’s okay with you taking care of her, but I don’t know what he’ll think about me in the mix.”
He smirked, “I’m fairly certain he’ll find the idea appealing.”
I couldn’t help my smile, “So are you sobered up enough to write a contract with me tonight? Get Desi a blanket and pillow? Tuck her in? Come spend some time with me?"
"Tuck her in?" he looked down at her, "God, she is young, isn't she?"
"Only a decade your junior," my brow wrinkled, "Are you just realizing this?"
"I guess I am," he huffed out a breath, "Okay, come on, let's go talk this through, you and me, Angel."
You and me, Angel.
Chapter 11
Ris
Law and I shuffled from beneath Desi where she slept, taking care not to wake her. He brought down the comforter and blanket from her room and got her settled in on the couch and I met him in his home office on the first floor behind the spiral staircase. He sat behind his desk, opening his laptop, squinting at the screen as he started tapping and typing.
I wandered toward him, "Do you think you need reading glasses, old man? You're leaning in awfully close to that screen," I mused.
He smirked, though his eyes were fixed on the screen, "Maybe."
I moved beside him and slid my ass up to sit on the desk next to his laptop. His desk was clear from paper and clutter, everything neatly organized and in its own particular place. It was the complete opposite of my office desk.
"There are certain things I can't do. You'll need to note those in the contract,” I said, rubbing my left shoulder that was still healing from being dislocated in the accident.
He nodded, "Yes, I'm aware of your medical limitations."
I knew he was because he'd been there with me in the hospital and he'd come along with me to all my follow-up appointments.
I smiled, "I'm really glad we're doing this. I need this."
He stopped and looked up at me, "I know you do, sweetheart."
"My life is spiraling. I need something to focus on besides Asher and his upcoming trial. This will be good."
He got still, quiet. Then slowly, he stood and moved to stand in front of me. His hands landed on my knees and I gasped at the contact as he spread my legs open so he could stand between them, pressing in close. He cupped my cheek in his hand.
"I'm sorry for what Asher put you through, Angel. You deserve better than that."
"I know I do," I smiled cheekily, but internally I felt vulnerable, sad, broken by all the things
Asher had done to me.
Law's eyes narrowed on me, sensing my weakness, "I'm gonna build you back up, Ris. I promise. But in the meantime, it's okay for you to be vulnerable with me when we're alone."
I met his eyes, "Is it? Can I trust you won't take advantage?"
He looked offended, "Take advantage?"
"Like you did the night you and Vaughn played with Desi at Black Ties. The night I broke up with Asher. Remember? When I stayed with you. You pushed and we fucked."
"Fuck," he looked down then back up at me, "Yeah, okay. You're right. We were both a little vulnerable that night and didn't think it all the way through," he grabbed my face with both hands and shuffled closer, holding my attention with intensity and truth, "But I promise you, I will keep my shit under control now so that you can be vulnerable and heal."
My eyes were locked on his mouth as he spoke to me. My pulse thumped as I imagined him pressing his lips to mine, kissing me, tasting me. I wanted it, but I couldn't. It would mean too much.
"Don't kiss me," I blurted, "Hard limit. I need that in the contract."
The words felt so wrong to say, but I knew how necessary they were. Law was the most phenomenal kisser I’ve ever had the pleasure of kissing. The reason for that was the truth that he shared through his lips. Kissing was the one sexual action he participated in fully without restraint or control or plan. If I kissed him, I might fall for him all over again. I couldn't bear the thought of him breaking my heart when he found his next shiny new toy to play with.
I was the only sub Law had ever chosen that was older than him. The only sub that was steady and stable in a career. The only sub that had blonde hair and blue eyes. The only sub that didn't need fixing.
I was different than all the others. Though some people might have viewed me as the exception to the rule, as being something special to him, I viewed it as being the anomaly, the one off. And I couldn't risk letting my feelings run too deep.
Law sighed, "Shit. I'll put it in the contract if that’s what you want, but I want to know why you won't let me kiss you."