Cjiena: Beginnings

by Patrice Caraway

  Hesitantly, I looked at the ground, nervously looking at my feet. “And what of their children? The ones of mixed spirits?”

  Ulgog was quiet for a moment, closing his eyes. I knew he was searching through the memories of the Ulgogs, the ones that all Ulgogs shared. When he finally spoke, it was almost a whisper. “Some people far from here say the Sacred Ones were overcome with grief at their Winged Ones’ betrayal and their failed attempt at creating man. As the Sacred Ones mourned, their tears became so devastating that a great flood fell across the land, and the survivors were forced to rebuild once the flood waters receded.

  When they saw the loss of so many innocents, the Sacred Ones asked the Mother to interfere only enough to help replenish the plants and animals. When they were finished, they receded from the lives of men except when necessary.”

  A few other tribes tell of the Sacred Ones wanting to wipe out all they created and start anew -- a world without mankind. One of the Winged Ones who had been casted out, or even the Sacred Ones themselves took pity on man and chose one to build a boat, large enough for 7 pairs of each animal, seedlings from all the plants, and the man’s family to ride out the flood. His boat was higher than a mountain and shaped like a drum. When the rains came, the boat was sealed and bobbed up and down in the waters, as everything around them was destroyed. They say in the end, the man carried a great guilt for not saving more of humankind and drank fermented grapes to ease his pain.”

  A pang entered my stomach. “So, they let them all die?” I felt a lump in my throat as I quaked with fear. The Sacred Ones’ anger had always frightened me, and even more so now. Was I not welcome to join them in the Undying lands?

  Ulgog became quiet once more. “Cjiena, I think that the Sacred Ones let man begin again, to start over and live as they had intended. However, this time I think they ensured that even though they might rarely interfere, they intended that man should never forget their existence. Possibly to let them be fearful that what happened once, might happen again. That though, is simply my own man-made thought, and I cannot tell you the truth.”

  “And what do you believe?” I asked

  “Me?” he seemed surprised and I nodded.

  “I think the Mother is like any mother. She can be loving and kind, protective and like any mother who loves her children, sometimes she must disciplines her children. The Mother’s real hope is that her children might grow up and live life to their fullest potential.”

  “And me? What do you think her plans are for me?”

  “I know little of your kind, as you are the only one, I’ve met,” he smiled, “or that the memories show for certain, so I do not know what she will use you for. No one knows another person’s fate.”

  I lowered my head, saddened by the thought that somehow, I had already failed in the plans the Mother had for me. “But for you, I know what greatness lies in your heart, so I think you are destined for something great.”

  I looked up at Ulgog, and a tear trickled down my check. I felt ashamed for the anger and resentment I had been feeling and was so touched that Ulgog still had so much faith in me when others were so sure of my failure. I launched myself into Ulgog’s lap and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him as tight as I dared. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  Ulgog seemed to understand my meaning because he simply reached up and stroked my hair. We sat like that for a long time, until my mother came in to fix dinner.

  FATHER OF MYSTERY

  After I heard the story that Ulgog had told me of those who had made me, I found myself trying to bridge the distance which had come between my family and me. I even found the courage to finally ask my mother about my father. At first my mother feigned that she was too busy to discuss him, usually rushing off to one chore or another.

  One day we were walking through the forest to collect the berries that had become ripe and were ready to be picked. I once again confronted her. “Mother, I know you don’t want to talk about him, but I need to know.”

  She stopped walking for a moment and leaned down to pick a flower. Lifting it, she inhaled deeply and sighed in content, as if dreaming of some far-off memory. “I know my daughter, it’s just that I’ve kept the secret locked up inside for so long. I have never been able to talk about it. I always promised myself that I would tell you when you were ready, but I think it was me who needed to be ready.”

  “Your uncle Molog has instilled fear into everyone about us, that I have found that I am myself afraid of speaking it aloud. He’s made me ashamed of something I should never have been ashamed about.”

  I pressed my lips together, “Are you ashamed of me?”

  My mother stared at me wide-eyed. She must have just realized that I considered myself her burden. “Of course not!” she exclaimed as she held my face in her hand. “Your father is a very complicated matter, and I will try and explain the best that I can. Your father is a very solitary creature. I’m not sure if that’s by choice or by force, but he never seems to stay in one area for long. When he comes to me, he appears from almost nothing, and when we talk, it’s usually about places he goes, and things he sees. Sometimes he reminds me of a child, so full of delight in all the world’s creations, and other times I am mystified by the things he says.”

  “How did you meet?” I asked.

  “There was a terrible storm late in the season a few years before you were born. The snow fell continuously for many days, and soon our family had run out of our winter food supply. My father and your uncle Molog went in search of game, while my mother, my sister and I went to look for any plants which might be edible. By then, however there were few plants nearby as other families had braved the storm as well and we were forced to look deeper into the forest. Somehow, we became separated, and I didn’t know the way back. As I journeyed deeper and deeper into the trees, I began to feel as if something was following me, watching me from a distance.”

  “I was terrified and started to panic. I began to try to outrun whatever was there, but soon became exhausted and finally stumbled on a tree root, hurting my ankle. I looked up and there he was. He had wings that glistened like the moon’s rays, and he had long curly blond hair which fell down his back in ringlets, similar to yours. His eyes were of the brightest blue. He towered over me, and when he reached down to help me up, I only came up to his chest. Sometimes when I look at you, I see him,” she smiled and reached out for me. I grasped her hand, and we walked side by side as she continued.

  “He asked me why I was there. When I told him I was lost, he offered to show me the way back. At first neither of us spoke I was still dazed from meeting him. I had been merely been told stories of the Winged Ones, but no one in living memory had ever met one. Knowing who and what he was made me shy and created an awkward silence for some time.

  He must have sensed what I was thinking, and so he began to talk of some distant land from a long time ago. I became enthralled by his story, and when we got close enough to the village, it seemed over too soon.

  I begged him to meet with me again. He just simply smiled and said we would meet the next time we meet. For over a year he would show up randomly on days when I would go out alone into the woods.

  The more we talked, the more I found myself falling in love with him. He was gentle and kind. Eventually he seemed to fall in love with me in return. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with you.”

  “What did your parents think?”

  “They were angry, of course. They demanded to know who I had lain with, and when I refused to tell them, they went to the chief and asked him to question everyone. When no man came forward, they grew even angrier, threatening to disown me, but Ulgog was able to calm them.”

  “What happened to them? And your sister? I’ve never heard you speak of them.”

  “They died,” she said sadly, “just before you were born. A strange illness struck the village and many people died. After you were born, your uncle began telling everyone that your birth brought a cu
rse on the tribe, and that was why the Mother had sent the illness.”

  My mother had never spoken about her family life before I came along. The stories of my grandparents had always been absent, and even my aunt had rarely been spoken of. The memory that Ulgog had of my grandparents only seemed to fuel the thought that my uncle had a similar temperament to that of my grandfather. If that was the truth, I was happy to have never known them.

  “If my father loved you so much, why didn’t he take us away with him?”

  “He did ask me,” she whispered, “but it sounded more of a sense of duty. By that time, you were already three years old, and when he talked about his travels, it seemed like such an adventure, but I was not ready to leave. I wanted to hold onto my life because it was all that I knew. I kept telling myself things would change, but they never did. I know in his own way he loved me, but I think he was relieved when I turned him down.”

  “Do you regret not leaving and marrying Ulgog?”

  “That too is very complicated. You and your father are both something I can never be, but I do wish I could end your suffering at the hands of our people. No, I do not regret marrying Ulgog. He has always been kind to me, and always protective of you. The tribe would never accept my bearing another child, so that in itself does not matter. It is nice though to have someone who enjoys having a conversation. Ulgog and I have a simple marriage. We rely on each other for strength, for laughter, for acceptance.”

  “Do you love Ulgog?” I asked innocently.

  She bit her lip before responding. “I do love Ulgog in a different way than what others might feel a marriage should have. Even when forced to marry, most people at some point find a love that grows, but I never stopped loving your father, and he will always be the one who has my heart.”

  “What was his name? My father that is.”

  “That my daughter, I cannot tell you. I promised him I would never tell anyone who or what he was.”

  “Even me?”

  “Especially you. He never wanted anyone to use that against you, or him, but I promise one day you shall know him.”

  We walked side by side, silently both lost in our thoughts. I started to wonder if the sensation of being watched, those eyes that followed me, hidden inside the trees was my father. And if so, why did he never come talk to me? Maybe...maybe he was ashamed of me, maybe he never wanted me. Frown lines began to form, and maybe my mother saw these, because she bumped up against my hip grinning, and I couldn’t help myself, I giggled in return.

  We continued to discuss many things, but always in the back of my mind was the father I never knew.

  TRAINING

  Later that evening, Ulgog gave me a lesson. He began by showing me the ancient symbols of our people. He explained to me that they were symbols given to our people by the Winged Ones, but most had lost the memory to read and write them, except of course the Ulgogs.

  “These symbols would be used to mark ceremonial objects, or sometimes Ulgogs would use them to mark paths to their sacred places.”

  Our people knew what they were, but not what they said, and special care was taken when they came upon the symbols. A few tried to copy the script, but it was considered blasphemous to do so.”

  As Ulgog drew the symbols in the ground using a twig, I realized Ulgog was training me just as he was trained.

  “Ulgog?” I interrupted.

  He stopped talking and looked up at me. “Yes?”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  He sat back and looked at me, a little wide eyed. “Of course.”

  “Why are you teaching me the secrets of the Ulgogs?”

  “Do you not want to learn?”

  “No, it’s not that, just...just I don’t think the tribe will accept me to help lead them and speak to the Mother.”

  “Remember what I said about our fates?”

  “Yes.”

  “No one can decide it for you, only you can.”

  “They can if they don’t accept me.”

  “But they may accept you. You cannot make your future based on your fears.”

  “But you know my future, don’t you?”

  Sighing, Ulgog frowned as if thinking of what to say. “Cjiena, one thing you will learn in life is rarely are those who see in the future correct on what they see. When one tells someone their future, more often than not that particular person will ensure their outcome by seeking what they’ve been told and in that, the seer makes their future a reality. That is why in most cases, Ulgogs will not share their visions with those around them.”

  “Even those from the Mother?”

  “Especially from the Mother. You see, Cjiena, when someone believes that the Mother has some sort of favor for them, that they alone carry divine right in most cases, that individual will find themselves no longer there. The Mother does not like people boasting that they know her will.”

  “Enough distractions, now let us get back to our symbols.”

  “Yes, Ulgog.”

  As we continued our lesson, I couldn’t help but think over Ulgog’s words. How were we to know what the Great Mother wanted of us? How were we sure we were on the path we were meant to be?

  Who knew that I would soon find out!

  Many Faces of Death

  CHIEF'S DEATH

  Two weeks later after talking to Ulgog, the chief lay dying. He had complained of stomach ailments a few days before. Ulgog had used all his healing skills and prayed wholeheartedly to the Mother.

  Every time I looked into Ulgog’s eyes, they were clouded with a look of fear, but he would never speak of why.

  When the chief grew continuously worse, a warrior was sent to call on Ulgog. When he went to leave, he turned and pointed at me, anger crossing his face. “He wants you to bring It.”

  Startled, I looked to Ulgog. He just shrugged and I followed him out the hut and across the clearing to the chief’s hut. After formal pleasantries were exchanged by the chief’s wife, the chief dismissed her, and she retreated to the corner of the hut and silently began working on some sewing.

  The chief reached out and Ulgog grabbed his hand, pressing it to his forehead in respect. The chief grunted in pain. “Ulgog, my old friend. You do not need to be a seer to know what’s coming. I fear my death will mark the beginning of the end for our people.”

  “Choose another to replace you then,” Ulgog urged. “You have seen what he has changed into over these past many years. Do you really expect him to keep everyone safe, when all he cares about is his pride and revenge?”

  “Yes. I have seen it and with each passing season, I see it grow and spread amongst the people.”

  I was confused as the conversation continued, but I knew they were deciding who was to replace the chief, but it didn’t explain why I had been called.

  The chief sighed, the look of death had been on his face, and he seemed to look like a man defeated. “I wish there was another way, but I have been training Molog for so long, there is no time to train anyone else. I should have listened to you.”

  Ulgog frowned but did not reply.

  The chief turned his attention to me and gestured me to come forward while trying to sit up. I looked at Ulgog who silently nodded at me, so I crept forward. I helped him up, his eyes rolling back in pain, but he tried to suppress a grimace. When we sat face to face, he leaned back against some furs his wife rushed to prop him up with.

  For the first time, the chief began to speak to me. His words were slow, but obviously he had spent quite a bit of time thinking of what he would say.

  “I know I have always kept my distance from you. Since your birth, I have always allowed my fear to rule me. I was always fearful of going against what the people wanted. I personally have never felt any ill will towards you, although I am sure you’ve always felt the opposite and for that I am sorry.”

  I gave a sigh of relief. For some reason I was expecting him to tell me I had to leave the tribe. He was silent for a moment as his face crumpled up. I kne
w he wanted to ask me something, and for a moment I wasn’t sure he would until he finally opened his mouth and spoke.

  “I am not Ulgog and know very little of the Mother, but Ulgog said you are one of her Sacred Children. I was chief and warrior to our people, one of the greatest hunters since I was your age.” He tried to smile; his eyes stared off into the distance of remembrance. “Never once was I afraid of death. I always thought that I would know when I was about to die.”

  He shook his head bringing himself back to the present. He that he looked deep into my eyes. “I know my time has come and so I ask of you, what do you think will happen to me when I die?”

  “I....I don’t know.” I stammered apprehensively. Disappointment filled him and he seemed to slump back even farther, “but Ulgog has told me the memories. If the Mother deems us worthy and our hearts are strong, she will gather us into her arms, and hold us to her bosom. We will live in her eternal hall without pain or worry in the Undying Lands with her and the Sacred Ones.”

  He opened his eyes, “And if we are not worthy?”

  I tried to respond but before I could answer, he raised his hand to stop me. “Never mind. I do not wish to know.” He closed his eyes again and groaned. “Ulgog, you know I have no other choice my old friend, I just hope this will not become the only memory of me.” Groaning again, he said “Please go, I must rest.”

  As Ulgog and I were leaving the hut, many people stood around, frowning and turning away as they averted their eyes when we passed by.

  A group of men surrounded Molog, who stood proudly before them. As we made our way past them, they began to taunt us, hurling cruel words as if they were stones, and they stung almost as harshly.