Fifteen Years

by Allison Rios

  “If last night was any indication, it’s not sorted out.

  Micah told me why they were playing rodeo. If you’re pushing him away because of me, you don’t need to. I’m not interested in being part of a never-ending love triangle.”

  “He would never have married someone he didn’t love, Katie. Go talk to him and convince him that you two were meant to be together.”

  “And would I be doing that for myself or for you? Like I said, I’m not interested in being with someone who’s in love with someone else,” Katie said.

  “If you didn’t still love him, you wouldn’t be here,” Rae replied. “And he’s not in love with someone else. He’s in love with something else; an old fairytale. One that doesn’t have the ending he’s been building up in his head. We all have moments in life where we say and do things we regret. This one belongs to James, and he has to own it. The key is to learn and not make them again. If you still love him, give yourselves another chance.”

  “What makes you so sure he wouldn't be dreaming of you every minute he’s with me?”

  Rae shifted uncomfortably. She wanted James to be happy, and Katie seemed like a nice enough woman. Perhaps encouraging their reunion would make the pain in her heart of not being able to give him her own would alleviate some of the guilt she carried.

  Days ago, she’d sworn to herself she would make her amends as painless as possible, and now she found herself standing face to face with a virtual stranger and about to share the most intimate details of her life with the woman. Details about the nausea and the vomiting and the direction her life was heading after she managed to get out of Jessup.

  “I’m sick. I have cancer, Katie, and the outlook isn’t good,” Rae replied. After months of keeping her diagnosis a secret, she now found herself saying it for what felt like the hundredth time that weekend. “He’ll realize soon enough that he isn’t in love with who I am; he’s in love with who I was. And then I’ll be gone and he won’t be wondering anymore. He’ll be missing you because you were always the one he was meant to be with. He’ll know he made a mistake in letting that go and he’ll beg you to forgive him for being so stupid.”

  “I know my soon-to-be-ex-husband better than anyone,” she said. “Maybe even you. I’ve studied everything about him for years. He’s been in love with you since you were both teenagers and I’ve always known that. I told myself it didn’t matter because you weren’t here, but it did matter. Wherever you are – Los Angeles, Chicago, hell I bet even heaven – he will remain in love with you. And while I know you mean well, you bowing out and telling me he’ll want me because you’re gone isn’t exactly the happy ending I pictured for myself. With all due respect, coming in second to another woman isn’t exactly how I hoped to live out the rest of my life.”

  Flustered, Katie nodded at Rae and walked towards James’ room before turning around again.

  “Rae, I really am sorry you’re sick. Despite everything, I really am. I know you’re a good person because James wouldn’t be in love with you if you weren’t. And it’s not you who caused this. You kept your distance, you cut contact. I know all of that. You did everything you could to give us a clean slate. James and I had nothing but a clear, good shot at making a marriage and it was ruined by us, not you. You don’t deserve what life has handed you.”

  Katie paused and took a few steps back towards Rae.

  “Obviously, the hand you’ve been dealt sucks, Rae. And it’s clear that you are doing everything possible to make the honorable choices here. But I know one thing: if you walk away today, three people end up with broken hearts and lost dreams for the rest of however long they have on this earth, and none of us know how long that is going to be. None of us are granted tomorrow; we only have this moment, this day. Maybe this story doesn’t have the ending you both dreamed of, but that doesn’t mean it can’t have an ending you’re both part of. He loves you, and while I wish things were different, there’s nothing I want more than for him to be happy. You make him happy. And if you’ll let him, he’ll make you really happy, too.”

  Chapter 24

  Tuesday, October 6

  Reed handed James his newest fashion accessory – two silver crutches with the added padding of kitchen towels. After more than forty-eight hours in the hospital, James and Micah were ecstatic to be leaving. Reed had promised to get them home safely.

  “You doing okay?” James asked Reed, who appeared sullen and tired.

  “Not really. My two best friends were in the hospital because I drove like an asshole.”

  James shook his head and patted his friend on the shoulder. He understood the hurt Reed felt.

  “No. You’re two best friends are in the hospital because I convinced you to do something really stupid. It’s my fault that you have a face covered in stitches and Micah’s beat up, Reed. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface on how bad I feel.”

  “Spin it how you want. I won’t feel any less guilty.”

  Micah laughed. “Well if you’re going to feel guilty, I’m going to make the best out of it. I’ll have you driving me around for weeks.”

  As they departed the hospital room and hobbled down the sterile hallway with Micah in a wheelchair, James slowed down as they passed room four-ninety-four. He’d remember that room forever. He’d been a hallway away from the room his brother died in. James silently whispered a thank you that Ruth was too young to have remembered the significance of where they were, and scolded himself for his stupidity in having risked putting her through another loss.

  “Katie came to see me yesterday,” Micah said as the elevator beeped its descent to the main level. “Rae, too.”

  Micah looked at James with eyes that questioned whether the topic should be broached.

  “Same here,” James replied.

  “Anything interesting happen?” Reed asked with a hint of a smirk.

  “I don’t know why you even ask,” James replied. “We all know you’ll keep bringing it up until I relent and tell you the details so I may as well just do that, right?”

  “I heard they ran into each other. Come on, James, I have to hear the details on that! To be a fly on the wall for that conversation, wow!” Reed said.

  “Rae came. She said what she needed to and left. Then

  Katie came, said what she needed to and left.”

  “So where does that leave you?” Micah piped in.

  “The same place I’ve been for fifteen years, guys. Sitting down at the end of the day and watching the sunset alone because I am an indecisive and insensitive jackass.”

  “Katie came all the way back here just to see how you were?” Micah asked.

  “Sort of,” James said. “Said she would always care about me and she wanted to be sure I was okay. I told her how sorry I was, again, for everything I’d put her through.”

  “No reconciliation?” asked Reed.

  “No,” James replied. “We’re at a place now that we weren’t at when we first settled on divorce. We both knew what we know now about how we love, but we weren’t strong enough to admit or understand it. We are now. We are well aware that we can’t work. We’ve forgiven each other, but the scars of every fight, every word, and every truth hidden in our hearts will never disappear from our memories. You can break a wall and rebuild it, but it just won’t be the same as when you first put it together.”

  The men filtered – carefully – into the car and began the short ride home.

  “Nella told me about Rae,” Micah said softly from the backseat. “I’m sworn to secrecy until she tells the girls.”

  “Then there’s that,” James responded.

  “What about Rae?” Reed interjected.

  Silence enveloped the car as the enormity of Rae’s diagnosis loomed in James’ thoughts.

  “Rae has leukemia,” Micah said when the silence became too much. “Now you’re sworn to secrecy.”

  “She’s really sick,” James added.

  “Like, dying?” Ree
d asked.

  “She said she’s at the end of treatment options,” James replied.

  “Oh, shit man,” Reed said. “So what are you going to do?”

  “Nothing,” James said. “Rae has asked me to let her go, and I need to honor that request. It’s the least I can do for her.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Reed, are we really going back to that subject? It really doesn’t matter.”

  “I didn’t ask if it mattered. I asked if you still love Rae.”

  “Yeah, I do. And she loves me, but she’s made it clear that nothing can happen.”

  “You really disappoint me,” Reed said.

  “Excuse me?” said James.

  “You heard me. You really disappoint me.”

  “How so?”

  “Never mind,” Reed said.

  “No, please, enlighten me about my life, oh great one who has such wonderful, lasting relationships.”

  Reed shook his head and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

  “My lack of relationships is due to lack of options, and you know that. Women are gross and there aren’t exactly a plethora of men around here to date, so I’m pretty limited in my options. At the rate our trio is going, you’re both going to be fighting over growing old with me because you’re running out of options yourselves. Anyhow, I understand why you have to let Katie go. If I’m being honest, it’s only fair. I wish you would have done it a long time ago.”

  “Wow, tell me how you really feel,” James replied.

  “I’ve been holding back for years!” Reed said. “You’ve been hemming and hawing forever about Rae. Since we were sixteen, she’s been the one for you, James! The entire town knows it and talks about it behind your back. When you got married, none of us thought it would last. Not because we didn’t like Katie – trust me, she won us all over. We were all a little jealous she loved you and not one of us, including big, gay me. She’s about the only girl I might have married! We knew you were just trying to tape back together all the broken pieces of your heart. I wanted to tell Katie to run and get the hell out because she’d never be enough for you, but I couldn’t do it. I wish I had. Maybe we’d all be in a different place right now. You and Katie separated, which wasn't a big surprise. I figured you’d go find Rae and finally have the part of you that’s been missing.”

  “Why are you pushing so hard for this? She wants privacy, and I’m going to give that to her.”

  Micah sat back, watching the conversation among his friends. He enjoyed the sporadic moments when Reed went absolutely rogue and set them all straight.

  “Basically, you’re telling me that her walking away, whether it’s to Chicago or wherever she’s gonna go, will be less painful than spending whatever time we all have left with her?” Reed asked. “Man, she’s here now! Who cares if you only get to love her for another day or another month or another year? Most of us would die to find someone who loves us as much as you love her after all this time. Didn’t Brian’s death teach you anything? Hell, we could have died when we got tossed from the truck! Wouldn’t you rather spend the rest of her days in love with her than a lifetime without knowing what that feels like again?”

  “It doesn’t matter what I want, Reed! I know I love her, but I can’t convince her to be with me! She doesn’t want it!”

  Like the calm after a storm, silence encapsulated the vehicle and James lost the ability to form words. He watched as Reed rolled his eyes with visible disdain for the situation while Micah sat quietly in the back without so much as the sound of his breathing.

  “She broke up with me, remember? She left me.”

  “Did it ever occur to you that when she broke up with you, she wanted you to fight for her?” Reed replied.

  “Oh, now you’re going to psycho-analyze me? She broke up with me, ran right to Aaron, chose a college clear on the other side of the country, and shut down all possible communication. What part of that says she wants me to chase after her?”

  “I really should have come out earlier. Then made you fools watch terrible romantic comedies with me so you could learn about the unrealistic expectations of women. Rae was doing the same thing she’s doing now. Defending her heart from pain. She ran to Aaron because he wasn’t going far away to school. She was scared you’d get too busy for her, and she was right. If she had stayed at the college here, neither one of you guys would have seen the other anyway. You got busy with school. You got busy with your athletics and your major and there’s nothing wrong with that. She knew that would be coming, and she didn’t want to lose you on those terms. She wanted it to be on her terms, no matter how stupid that sounds. She knows it was ridiculous, just like she knows it’s ridiculous now. She’s worried she’s dying and doesn’t want to put you through the pain, she says. You’re going to be in pain no matter what, James. That’s the honest to God truth. This time, instead of trying to be the good friend and bowing out, fight for her. Show her that life ain’t about the quantity but the quality. Show her she’s the quality.”

  When the reality of what Reed had said finally sunk in, James uttered the first words his mind could arrange.

  “For a man that never really has much to say, you really came out swinging on that one.”

  The men erupted into laughter.

  “I may prefer men, but I know women. And I know

  Rae loves you. So what are we going to do about it?” Reed asked.

  “What do you think, bud?” Micah yelled.

  “Now you’re suddenly on board with this?” James asked.

  “You can’t fight the inevitable,” Micah laughed. “And despite all of the drama, I really miss that girl. Without her here, it just feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing.”

  “Better late than never,” Reed said. “What are you gonna do?”

  “I’m gonna go get her,” James said.

  “Louder!” Reed said. “With conviction!”

  “I’m gonna go after her!” It was then that James noticed his clothing, bloodied and stained from his stupidity. “First, can I go home and change?”

  Chapter 25

  Tuesday, October 6

  Rae wrapped the shawl closely around her shoulders and picked up one of the smooth rocks lining the mini-beach underneath her. She’d loved growing up so close to a lake. Family and friends spent summers on the water underneath the warmth of the sun. The greatest decisions facing their days were what they’d make for dinner.

  The cove had always been her very favorite spot. The branches of the mystical willow trees seemed to drip from the sky to create a hidden kingdom of romance. She’d spent many evenings wrapped up in James’ arms beneath the soft greenery as they dreamed about the future.

  Her fingers lightly pressed against the stone she held and shifted it into position. Like an expert, she pushed her hand forward and with a twist, launched the rock out over the stillness of the lake. Impressed with how far the stone sailed when she hadn’t tried to skip in a rock in so long, a smile found its way upon her lips. She picked up another and sent it flying. It sunk after a seventh hop, two hops further than the previous stone.

  “You seem rusty,” she heard behind her. Her mother had crept up on her without so much as a twig cracking beneath her feet. Lorraine had always been a quiet and sneaky one, albeit with a good heart. “What are you up to, sweetheart?”

  “Just passing the time until it’s time to go home,” Rae said. “I always thought this spot was a hideaway for teenagers looking to make out.”

  “I was a teenager once.” The twinkle Rae so adored in her mother’s eyes returned for the first time since she could remember. It was a pleasant change from the cloud that seemed to hover over them since the diagnosis.

  “Adding that to the list of things I never want to think about,” Rae said. She grinned as the warmth of her mother’s love trickled through the elder woman’s embrace.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “I told James about the cancer.”


  “That must have been difficult. What’d he say?”

  “He says he still loves me, Mama. I don’t know if what I said about it has fully sunk in yet. He needs to wrap his head around the fact that there is just no point in us starting something we can never finish.”

  “Baby girl, you wouldn't be starting anything. What you two have started long ago, and this is just another chapter in the book. You know, back when you were in high school you were always the one following your feelings. James was always the practical one. Looks like somewhere along the way, you two changed roles.”

  “We grew up, Mama.”

  Lorraine took a seat on the sand and patted the ground next to her. Rae lowered herself to the ground, and her mother wrapped the blanket she’d brought around the two of them.

  “You know my mother died when I was twenty,” Lorraine said. “Lord, how I miss her. Becoming a mother without her around was a learning experience, to say the least. That last year with her, watching the cancer slowly eat away at her strength and personality, well it was the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. Until now that is. We both know that watching you go through this battle with leukemia is going to be the worst thing I’ve ever had to see, and there’s no sugar coating that. No parent should ever outlive their baby. When my mama died, I was a mess. My heart shattered, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to find my way back to living a normal life. I remember after the funeral someone asked me if I ever felt like I’d be able to breathe again. I couldn’t answer, and I asked your grandpa the same question. You know what he told me?” Rae shook her head.