Fifteen Years

by Allison Rios

  “He told me that he’d never stopped. He was sad, mind you, and I always chalked his upbeat personality to being a man. Men can’t show emotion, I thought. But he has always shown emotion. He’s always been loving towards us and unafraid to tell people how he felt. I asked him if he regretted falling in love with Mother because of how everything ended. He smiled at me and told me he didn’t regret one moment of it because whether or not she’d said yes that first time he’d asked her out, he would have loved her forever. He said he was so grateful that for whatever time he had her, he got to know how it felt for her to love him back. The cancer could take her body away, but it could never take her out of his heart.”

  Lorraine paused and pulled Rae closer to her. Rae felt her mother’s cool hand against her cheek, and she returned her gaze.

  “That’s how I feel about you. If someone told me before you were even an idea that thirty-three years down the road I’d be facing a future without my daughter, I still would have had you. My heart is gonna break if I can’t hug you anymore, but don’t mistake my sadness with regret. Not for one second. I cherish every single moment I get to be your mother. I don’t want to lose you any more than you want to die, Rae, but life has forced us to face the harsh reality that your time could be up a lot sooner than any of us would like. And the good Lord knows if I could switch places with you, I would.”

  Her mother’s voice cracked, and Rae prayed that the tears wouldn’t start to flow.

  “I am thankful every second of every day that you were born to your Daddy and me. I’m grateful for every moment of firsts and every laugh that we’ve shared. I’m grateful for the fights that taught us how to talk to each other. I'm even grateful for the times we might consider bad. And I’m sad just thinking about all the moments that we might miss, but they will not for a day make me regret having loved you for so many magnificent years.”

  “I’m so sorry for all the time I spent away, Mama,” Rae managed to choke out through tears. “I shouldn’t have kept running from my life. I wasted so much time we could have spent together.”

  “Shhhh, darling, don’t you fret over that,” Lorraine replied, pulling Rae in closer. “We can’t worry about the what-ifs in life. We all make choices and no matter where you were, I knew how much you loved us. You’re here now, and we are going to make the most of every moment we have together.”

  Lorraine held her for what seemed like forever. When the sound of sobs quieted down, Lorraine held Rae’s face in her hands and tilted it up to connect their gazes.

  “Rae, for as long as you live, that boy is going to love you. You can’t lie to me – I know you love him, too. Whether or not you’re willing to let him in your life, his love for you is not going to go away. He's like me; he doesn't care about how many minutes or hours he gets to love you, he just cares that he gets to. That’s just how life is. Are you going to run back to Chicago and stay there because you think it will be less painful for Daddy and me? You know that wouldn’t lessen our pain at all. When you’re gone, James won’t be able to say the same thing your Grandpa did because you were too busy trying to be noble to see that the bravest thing you can do is love somebody back. Haven’t you been lonely long enough?”

  “Mama,” Rae whispered. The tears fell against her mother’s soft fingers.

  “It’s okay, baby,” Lorraine said.

  “I can’t give him a happy ever after.”

  “If you ever took the time to actually listen to him, Rae, you’d see that one day with your love is his happy ever after.”

  “I thought I’d feel better once I was home.”

  “If you’d stop thinking of ‘home’ as a place and started thinking of it as the people who make up that place, I bet you’d feel a whole lot better.”

  “He won’t want me after he knows the real reason I came back to Jessup.”

  “Well, then you better stop holding back secrets and just get it all off your chest, then let the man decide for himself.”

  Chapter 26

  Tuesday, October 6

  “Hi Rae,” he said from the other side of the threshold. Do you have some time to talk?”

  “James, I’ve got a lot to do.” Though Mama had encouraged her earlier to be brave, she’d begun to lose her gumption.

  “No, she doesn’t,” Lorraine yelled from the kitchen.

  “Just an hour, please. No strings attached. I just want to spend some time talking to you. The you of today, not the you from high school.”

  “No strings?”

  “No, I promise. Just two old friends talking.” He tucked his hand behind him to hide his crossed fingers.

  She grabbed her thick sweater, still thinking about what Lorraine had said earlier, and shushed the voice inside her telling her to stay home. She knew James deserved to know the whole truth, but she still hadn’t mustered the courage to come clean. “Mama, I’ll be back in a bit!”

  The car ride brought with it a strange mixture of anxiety and calm as he prepared himself for a last-ditch effort to sway her final plans for life. She looked ahead at the scenery, either avoiding or not noticing his glances her way as he took in everything beautiful about her he’d been missing.

  “I can’t be gone too long. Nella’s bringing the girls over for a quasi-sleepover. I still have to face Brooke and Ava, now that I’m sure they both know about everything that’s going on. I can’t believe you drove over here,” she said as she climbed into the truck. “Or for that matter, that I’m letting you drive me around now. How’d you convince your grandfather to let you take his truck?”

  “Yes, I drove. How else would I get here?”

  “Get a ride from someone. Or call me to come get you. You’d get in some serious trouble if you got pulled over in the city.”

  “That’s why I live in the country.” His charming smile could melt a snowstorm in the coldest Chicago winter.

  The sun cascaded through the multi-colored leaves and created festive patterns on the pavement.

  “Your driving’s not bad for only having one good leg.”

  “Don’t forget the broken rib,” he said with a smirk. “You know where we’re going?” He pulled the truck into the grass near a fence and began the struggle to get out and get mobile.

  “I haven’t been back here since –”

  “Since we were about eighteen, I’d imagine,” he said, finishing her sentence as he navigated the uneven ground of the forest with his crutches.

  The trees surrounded them as the rainbow leaves of fall danced in the wind. Nature recreated a song she’d listened to many times before with the man she now felt so distant from. The branches partially blocked the bluest of skies on an unusually warm October day. Fifty feet away stood the treehouse he’d built as a child with his father – one she’d visited more than a few times with him during their years together. The wood had faded and splintered with time. A fresh coat of paint fought against the ravages of a brutally hot summer turned into a rainy fall. The ladder-like steps cascading up the tree had been replaced with new, sturdy wood.

  “I fixed it up for Ruth when she was small,” he said. “She doesn’t use it anymore, but I just can’t seem to give up keeping it up.”

  “It’s hard to let go of something that was such an important part of your life.”

  “Yeah, it is,” he replied. His grip on her hand told her he hadn’t been talking about the treehouse. “I’m glad you decided to stay in town a little longer.”

  “I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay,” she said.

  Rae shifted her gaze in an attempt to limit the discomfort, to no avail. She approached the tree she’d spent summers climbing with a man she thought she’d spend her life with. Her fingers grazed the faded bark until they met with lines carved delicately into the shape of a heart. Their initials dotted the middle, and she remembered clearly the day they’d been engraved into the history of Jessup.

  “I think I love you, Rae Pinemore,” he said, his sixteen-year-old arms wrapped arou
nd her from behind. She sensed the tension in his shaking arms and lost herself in the words she’d wanted to both hear and say for over a month. His fingers intertwined with hers and squeezed, a sensation she missed the moment it went away. His breath in her ear lingered past the words and reminded her of his nervousness.

  “Well, I know I love you, James,” she replied. She turned in his arms until their noses and foreheads gently touched. Her hands found their way out of his, and she moved them up to the soft, familiar cheeks she loved to kiss.

  “I thought you might not say it back,” he said.

  “And why would you think that?” She brushed the hair back from his face and relished in the intensity of his stare. She’d never told someone she loved them and thought it odd when her friends talked about using the sentiment with their on-again, off-again boyfriends. The words and the meaning behind them didn’t seem so odd when it came to James. She knew with certainty that he was someone special.

  “You don’t like feeling like you have to do something,” he said. “You don’t have to say it.”

  “I know I don’t have to,” she replied. “I want to.”

  He pulled her in and his lips pressed against her forehead, a move he made when he wanted her to understand his sincerity about something. He said by removing the romance piece and the lip to lip action, and instead kissing her head, he could show her he loved her for her and not just for any physical pleasure she could give him.

  “You are by far the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he said. “I couldn’t come out here today and not tell you I love you because I can’t get it off my mind. I see your smile in my dreams at night, and it’s the first thing I look for when I get to school. I hear your voice, and it reminds me of everything amazing. I miss you when you’re not here. I can’t get enough of being with you. I don’t understand it and Micah and Reed are having fun antagonizing me about it, but I know that the confusion and the harassment are worth it if I have you here with me.”

  He carefully led her to the tree that held the treehouse and pulled out a pocket knife.

  “How about you and I tattoo this tree with something special?”

  “You remember the day we carved that?” he asked, his hand tracing over the etching from behind her and softly brushing against her fingertips.

  She quickly pulled away and stepped back a bit.

  “A little,” she lied.

  “Well, I do,” he said as a smile crept across his lips. “It’s strange to me to think that in a few years, Ruth will be the same age we were when we carved this into the tree. She still seems like a baby to me and probably always will. When I think back to us at sixteen it just feels like we were so much older, you know?”

  “Hopefully she doesn’t follow in our footsteps,” Rae said. She regretted the words immediately. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know how you meant it. I hope that she waits to fall in love and gets out there to follow her dreams. And now I’m the one feeling bad,” he said. “I just hope she doesn’t miss out on life because she’s living in the past.”

  “Living in the past,” she whispered. “I don’t know. Sometimes that doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. The present has an awful lot of grown-up issues, and the future is unknown and scary. At least with the past, we know what we’re in for.”

  “I don’t think I’d want to go back to sixteen again,” he said. He tucked his hands into the faded jeans and looked up at the tree house. “I’d just like pieces of the past up here in the present.”

  “Can I?” she asked as she nodded at the structure.

  “Go ahead,” he said and smiled. “I’d join you, but I’m not exactly in climbing shape.”

  He watched her lithe body ascend the ladder into the getaway. He knew what she’d find up there, and he hoped it might make her remember.

  Chapter 27

  Tuesday, October 6

  Rae glanced around the dated structure and took it all in. The walls had been redecorated over time, yet one wall remained as she remembered it with only a few slight modifications.

  Sunlight trickled in the window and lit up photos she hadn’t seen in years. Photos of his life from childhood to the present graced the weathered walls and told a life story of everything meaningful to him. She moved closer to take note of each one. His youth football team; a photo of his family; a newspaper clipping of his championship; their prom photo. To the right were photos of Ruth at a birthday party and one of him and Katie on their wedding day. Each one was a candid memory of significant moments in his life, and some major moments of hers.

  Her hand slipped over her mouth to stifle the gasp stemming from the remembrance of the love displayed in front of her. The photomontage brought to life a timeline of everything and everyone that made him who he was. She focused in on one photo in particular of his mother as a teen and marveled at her beauty.

  Rae descended from her perch and stood face to face with him.

  “Ruth looks so much like your mother,” she said to break the silence between them.

  James gave a half-laugh and shifted on his crutches.

  “What’s so funny?” she asked.

  “That you think she looks like my mom.”

  “And why is that amusing?” Rae asked. “Your mom is a beautiful woman.”

  “Yes, she is,” he said as he began to hobble away.

  She raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “I don’t get it. Why are you so amused?”

  “I think it’s funny you think she looks like my mom, that’s all,” he said. “I don’t know who she looks like. People tell me all the time she looks like Brian or my mom or me or even my dad or cousins. Hell, someone thought she was Reed’s daughter once. I think as strong as our genes are, nurture plays a huge role in life and our personalities and looks are shaped by those we both love and are loved by.”

  “That’s interesting,” Rae said.

  “She celebrates her birthday in November like my mom. She always loved having that in common. Just a few days apart.”

  She watched as his muscular arms moved the crutches forward with only one leg to balance on. “You okay walking? I wasn’t sure.”

  “I’m fine,” Rae said. “I get tired a lot faster than I used to, but walks like this are okay on days I’m tired. On the good days, I try and run if I’m feeling up to it. I’d like to enjoy doing things like this as often as I can.”

  “Can I ask you something?” he said as he turned towards her.

  “Anything.”

  “Are you scared?”

  She stared at the ground as her foot nervously played with the leaves. She’d wondered the same thing many times before when she’d heard someone’s loved one was sick and dying. Many nights she’d wondered how she’d handle something so awful as news that death was impending, and most of those were pre-diagnosis. When the doctors delivered the news that her options were running short, she hadn’t even cried. She tried to listen as they detailed routes though she hadn’t really heard anything they’d said. When she’d left the office, she stepped out into the world a changed woman; one who went from wondering what the future held to one who knew the future – at least in the long term – did not exist.

  Although most people found the thought of death terrifying, near relief had washed over her as the constant worry about future decisions or successes or failures simply vanished. She had done some research and had an idea approximately how long someone in her predicament might have, and she knew there were a handful of things she needed to get done. She was almost happy at the idea of checking off the items on her to-do list and then going out with her head held high.

  “I know it sounds ridiculous, but not entirely,” she replied. “I don’t know. I feel sort of like this weight has been lifted. I'm scared for my parents losing a child. I’m a little pissed that this arrogant guy at work will probably take over my position there and ruin everything I’ve built. I’m not scared for me though.”

  “Not even a littl
e?”

  “Maybe a little, just because I don’t know what the end is going to be like. It’s hard to explain. I’m just trying to get everything I want to finish up done so I can go knowing that in the end, I did my best.”

  Rae’s heart sped up as the last item on her checklist of things to do took over her thoughts.

  “There’s something I need to tell you,” she said. “And you might hate me for it. And I deserve it. I do.”

  “You always had a flair for the dramatic. You have a terrible way of preparing people for news, Rae. You should start just blurting it out. The buildup is far worse than what you usually end up saying.”

  “One of the reasons I came home was to tell you something, but I’ve been having a really difficult time figuring out how to say it. Bits and pieces here and there are all I can get out. You need to know the truth, but at the same time, I know that you’re going to hate me for it which makes it really hard to say.”

  “There’s more than what you laid on me at the hospital? Stop assuming what I am going to do,” he said. “Let me decide.”

  She sat down next to him on the bed of the truck but left some space in between for her own comfort.

  “Remember when I came to visit you that last time in college?”

  “Of course. Hard to forget. That was the first time–”

  “And only time,” she interrupted. “I was in a terrible place. Quite frankly I was a mess. I was living in this imaginary world where I wanted you to make some grand gesture to show me you loved me. I was a stupid teenager who wanted the cinematic happy ending. You just weren’t that kind of guy. I can look back now and know that you would have given anything to make us work. You would have traveled the world to make me happy, but I never told you what I needed from you. I just stewed as I waited for you to guess what the right move would be.”