Always You, Always Us

by Savannah Carey

  “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot. I mean, it sucked not playing anymore, but things really worked out with this little venture. Who knew, right?”

  “And what about Liv? Is she going to join your coaching staff this summer like you’ve wanted for the last two years?”

  My fingers wade through the M&M bag, and I pour a few onto the coffee table, arranging them into an L. “Nah, I’d hoped she would, even pitched it to the school before talking to her, but she’s got an audition lined up for some ESPN cheering thing. She’ll be gone pretty much all summer, and after that, who knows?”

  “I see.” Dad’s eyes crinkle at the corners while watching me arrange the brightly-colored candies. “You did that all the time when you were younger.”

  “Yeah…” My voice trails off. He knows I did it, but he doesn’t know why. Some things are better left unsaid. It’s my own private therapy. And maybe, subconsciously, I’m doing it now because I know the girl I love is about to slip through my fingers for the foreseeable future, and I’m trying to deal with the loss.

  “You’re going to miss her, huh?”

  I shrug, trying to look nonchalant. “It’s not like we’ve never been separated.” I pop an M&M into my mouth for good measure.

  “True, but you’re getting older now. Once you graduate, things will change. You’ll continue your work on Rising Star, and she’ll start on her own career plans.”

  I turn away from my M&Ms and look at my dad. “What are you getting at?”

  Dad shrugs and grabs a green one. “You know you’ve got to let her go, and I don’t think you’re ready to do that.”

  “She’s my best friend, so yeah, I want to keep her all to myself. But I get that she’s got her own goals.”

  “But you don’t like that.”

  I shift on the couch. “I’d like it better if her goals kept her in the same zip code.”

  “Have you ever told her that?”

  “I’d never do that.”

  “Why not? Are you afraid she’d stay?”

  “Why would I be afraid of that?” Maybe the hospital gave me too much medication because my brain is really not cooperating right now.

  “Because then you’d have to make a decision and act on it, and that scares the heck out of you, doesn’t it?”

  My mouth drops open. “Are you saying—?”

  He grins and stands up. “Maybe that wasp knew exactly what it was doing when it picked you. You get exactly what I’m saying, Hunter. I just don’t know if you’re ready to accept it. But judging from what I’ve seen and heard, you’d better figure it out sooner than later.”

  I can’t utter a single word. I’m mute watching my dad walk out of the room. My mind replays the last bit of our conversation, and the words ring between my ears. Dad’s right. I’m petrified of saying anything to Liv. She doesn’t feel the same way. She can’t. I’d know. I can read women like Billy Joel plays the piano, and if there were any feelings on her side, I’d pick up on it in a hot second. So yeah, if I tell her I want her to stay, I’d be opening myself up to a whole lot of something I don’t ever want to experience - rejection. It’s safer this way. She deserves someone who won’t be so afraid of admitting his true feelings for her. She deserves someone who knows how to be in a relationship, not the guy who runs around dipping his wick all over campus because he has no desire to be a boyfriend.

  I pop a red M&M into my mouth. That last bit gives me pause. No desire to be a boyfriend? That’s not exactly true. I have no desire to be a boyfriend to the girls back at school. But Liv is different, and even if I wanted to be with her, I know I’d mess it up and lose her forever. So my fantasies have to remain just that. I can’t take that risk. It’s bad enough we’re headed in different directions. If I tell her how I feel and she stays, and things go bad, the girl I love will leave me forever.

  I erase the L with my hand, scattering the M&Ms all over the table. I want what I can’t have, and it sucks. I fling an arm over my eyes, and Liv’s face floats into my mind…her bright blue eyes, her wide smile, her perfect pink lips. A jolt zips through my groin, and I shift the goods around, half-wondering if I should just go with it and rub one out or exercise my Jedi powers to block the image. I let out a sigh. Jedi powers, my ass. It’s useless. She’s always the one I see when I close my eyes, even when some other girl is lying next to me.

  “Umm, I can come back when you’re finished…”

  My eyes fly open, and I yank my hand out of my sweatpants then sit straight up on the couch. “I had an itch.”

  “Sure.” Liv smirks, and under ordinary circumstances, you know, before I realized I was in love with her, I’d have returned the smile. But now, I feel like a pervert, and I wasn’t even about to rub one out. I just left my hand there after making the necessary adjustments.

  “Are you watching porn or something?” A high-pitched giggle pierces the air, and the sound strikes me immediately. It’s not her normal confident chuckle. It almost sounds like she’s nervous.

  Weird.

  “No, I’m not watching porn. It’s some old movie. Risky Business, I think. And for the record, I wasn’t jacking off. I just had an itch.”

  She shrugs. “If that’s the story you’re sticking with, it’s cool with me.”

  “Good. Let’s never talk about it again.”

  Liv sinks down on the couch next to me, tilting her head in my direction. “How are you feeling? You look good. Did you have a nice nap?”

  I flip an M&M at her, and she catches it in her mouth like a pro. She can always catch them, unlike me who ends up finding them in all sorts of places. “I feel normal again.” This is only partly a lie. Physically, it’s true. But mentally? I feel anything but, especially when she’s around. And after that conversation with Dad, I’m worried that people can actually see this thing I’m desperate to hide.

  “So you’re good for the party tomorrow, right?” A worried look shadows her face. As if I’d willingly miss a chance to see her.

  “Yeah, I’ll be there. Wouldn’t miss it.” I manage a smile, trying to block out the images of Liv dressed in some skimpy short dress dancing for me…just for me.

  A pattering of bare feet gets louder outside of the family room and Allie appears in the doorway, her tiny face lighting up like a birthday candle. “Liv!” She launches herself at Liv and wraps her arms tightly around her neck. “I missed you!”

  “I’ve missed you too, pumpkin!” Liv gets up with Allie in her arms, swinging her until a belly laugh erupts. I smile. She’s so amazing with Allie. So amazing with everyone in my family. My chest tightens. Don’t mess this up, Hunter. You can’t be the guy she needs. Leave her alone.

  I know that’s what I have to do, but the reality stings. Way worse than that wasp.

  Liv

  Allie smells so delicious, like baby powder and birthday cake. “I could eat you up! You smell like dessert!”

  She grins, exposing rows of little white teeth. “It’s my new shampoo and conditioner. Mommy says they smell like a bakery.”

  “Yes, a bakery I’d very much like to visit!” I run a hand over her still-damp hair to smooth it down. “Want to watch a movie?”

  “Yes! Can we watch Cinderella? Please?”

  “Of course!” I glance at Hunter and roll my eyes. Of all the Disney princesses, Cinderella is my least favorite. Does she really want to be the damsel in distress who needs to be saved by the prince to change her situation? Maybe it’s the fairy godmother who hooked Allie. I really wish she loved Beauty and the Beast as much. Now, Belle, she’s a strong sassy one; fiercely independent, loves her father, doesn’t need the hassle of a romantic relationship, and wants to educate herself. But despite everything she thinks she wants, she ends up falling for the Beast, who has no idea how to behave in a relationship.

  I tap a finger to my cheek. Hmm. Maybe there’s more to my reason for loving that movie. Maybe it’s closer to my reality than some plain old kiddie fantasy. Substitute cheer for reading, and you get th
e idea.

  Hunter looks comfortable, so I get up and grab the remote. They have all of the Disney movies on iTunes, so I scroll until I find it and hit Play. I return to my seat on the couch next to Hunter, and Allie jumps into my lap, clutching her furry purple teddy bear. I hug her tightly and inhale the sweet scent of her hair as she gripes about the stepsisters.

  “Cinderella, again?” Cindy walks into the room holding a freshly-bathed and smiley Chrissy in her arms.

  “Yes!” Allie claps her hands. “I love this movie!”

  Cindy kneels down next to the couch with Chrissy squirming in her lap. “How are you feeling, sweetie?” She reaches a hand out to stroke Hunter’s arm, and he flips over to flash a smile at her.

  “I think I’ll make it.”

  Cindy snickers. “Glad to hear it. I guess I better go food shopping again tomorrow since you’ve already cleaned out the refrigerator. At least your appetite hasn’t been affected.”

  Hunter sits up and opens his arms to Chrissy. Her big eyes light up and she practically leaps into them. I watch him make silly faces at her and her resulting belly laugh…oh my God. He’s so amazing with her. When she was first born, she had horrible colic, and he’d come home as often as he could, even for a day sometimes, just to sit with her. For some reason, he was the only one who could calm her enough so she - and everyone else - could sleep.

  My heart. Holy crap, I feel like it’s about to burst.

  This is bad. I should run. Now. Fast.

  But I can’t. I never could. And I seriously doubt I ever will.

  Cindy turns toward me with a bright smile, one I almost missed because I am so focused on Hunter. The cringe-moment in the hospital when Cindy walked in on me playing girlfriend rushes back to my mind, and I feel a hot flush creep up the sides of my neck. “So, did you buy a new dress for the party tomorrow, Liv?”

  I clear my throat and force my eyes away. “Um, yes. Well, I didn’t.” I grin. “My mom did. Luckily, it fit when I tried it on earlier this afternoon.”

  “They must be so excited to spend time with you this weekend. I know your schedule has been hectic to say the least.”

  “Yeah, it’s nice to have a break.” I’ve been cheering year-round for so many years, I just got used to missing events and spending less and less time at home. It feels good to take a breather every once in a while, to enjoy the little time I have with the people I love. I sure as heck hope everything I’m trying to achieve is worth everything I’ve given up. “The party will be fun. My sister is really excited.”

  “And your parents? How are they holding up?”

  “They’re happy for her, but I think they’re concerned it’s a little fast, you know?” My eyes dart back to Hunter’s, and I draw in a sharp breath when I see him staring back. For a fleeting moment, I can’t think. I can only feel what it is he does to my insides. It’s like a slow burn that singes every cell, making me feel alert and alive. He’s unraveled my heart to its core, thread by thread, so that it’s completely exposed and vulnerable to the pain I know is just around the corner in the form of the next floozy who’ll grace his bed.

  It’ll be short, of course. They never last. But they never stop coming, either.

  Cindy nods. “I can understand that.” She glances between Hunter and me. “I guess it’s not typical for a couple to have a deep-rooted friendship first; you know, where they already know each other on so many levels.” She smiles. “Although I’d imagine that scenario would have a very happy ending.”

  I chomp on the inside of my mouth. What the heck is she getting at? Hunter is still snuggling with Chrissy, singing her a silly made-up song about hating wasps because they’re evil creatures and not paying attention to us, thank God. “Uh, yeah, you’re probably right.” I fold one leg under me, giving me the much-needed excuse to move and avert my eyes without making it look like I’m in a complete panic that she heard exactly what happened in the hospital room this afternoon.

  Cindy is silent for a long minute and studies me with a questioning look. She must have gotten my mental code red because in a blink, she’s asking me about my next competition.

  “Liv is competing for a spot on the ESPN exhibition cheer team,” Hunter pipes in, still focused on Chrissy. Dammit, he has an annoying habit of popping into a conversation when you didn’t even realize he’s been listening the whole time. My chest tightens, and a lump the size of a grapefruit forms in my throat. I can barely squeak out a breath, much less a syllable. He heard everything Cindy said just now. I know he did. The big question is, did he hear anything else from Cindy?

  “Liv, that’s wonderful! Your family must be so excited!” Cindy clasped her hands together. “When is the audition?”

  And just like that, the angst morphed into a foot twinge. I roll it out slowly to stretch the still-sore bone. “They’ll be evaluating all of the contenders at internationals, so I have a lot of work to do before then.”

  “You’re such a fantastic athlete, so I’m positive you’ll make the team!”

  “Who’s making what team?” Hunter’s dad Andrew walks in and collapses into an armchair. Allie squeals and leaps off of my lap in search of her father’s embrace. Despite the fact that I’m having a slight panic attack, I smile as Andrew nuzzles her head. He’s been like a second dad to me, such a good man. He survived through some very dark days after Hunter’s mom passed, so I’m thrilled he’s been able to find the love of a wonderful woman. Their two little girls are just the delicious icing on the cake.

  “Liv is trying out for an ESPN cheer team,” Cindy says. “Isn’t that amazing?”

  “ESPN, huh?” Andrew grins. “That’s the big time, kiddo. You’re going straight to the top!”

  I chuckle. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I still need to audition.”

  “You’ll knock ‘em dead. The things you do defy the laws of gravity! How could they not pick you?”

  “Well, fingers crossed they like my part of the routine. Coach beefed up my stunts and tumbling for ESPN’s benefit, so as long as I can land everything—“

  “You always land everything. You never miss a beat in those routines. You’re going to get that spot because you have mad talent, Livvie.” Hunter looks up from Chrissy, his deep green eyes blanketing me in warmth that drizzles over me like I’m a sundae being covered in rich hot fudge. In that instant, I melt under his gaze, my heart thumping like a herd of wild elephants.

  “Thanks,” I whisper, a smile tugging at my lips. I allow my fingertips to crawl over to Chrissy and tickle her belly, eliciting the most adorable giggle and exposing her one tiny tooth. It’s hard to believe she was such a difficult newborn, but then again, she’s snuggling next to her favorite guy, so how could she be anything but elated right now?

  I know exactly how she’s feeling.

  Hunter snickers as Chrissy wiggles in his lap, and he joins in the action. Our fingers are dancing along her arms and legs, moving so fast, bound to collide at any second. When they do, the electric current coursing between them can power a house. I swallow a gasp as it zips through me then recoil, pulling away my hand. I can feel Hunter’s eyes on me once again, but the powerful connection had to be broken. I’m on the downturn of the greatest fall of my life, and I need to brace myself for the inevitable crash.

  Allie lets out a loud yawn. Andrew and Cindy exchange a look, and Cindy nods her head toward the door. “Come on, Drew. Let’s get the girls to bed. It’s late, and I’m sure Hunter and Liv would rather watch something other than Cinderella.” Cindy rises and flashes a smile at me. “Am I right?”

  I manage to return a grin. “I didn’t mind watching. Anything for these kids.”

  She leans over to give me a quick hug. “It was great seeing you, sweetheart. I hope we’ll see you again before you leave on Sunday.”

  “I’d never leave without saying goodbye to these little munchkins!” I grab Allie and wrap my arms around her. “Night night, pumpkin. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  �
��Okay, Liv. Night,” Allie says in a groggy voice. Cindy bends down to scoop her up. She winks at me before carrying her out, followed by Drew and Chrissy.

  The silence in the room is deafening. I play with the frayed hem of my denim skirt and pretend to watch the Fairy Godmother turn a pumpkin into a coach, but it’s so darn hard to ignore the shiver shimmying down my spine. He’s so near, and his presence is intoxicating to the point where all of the reasons why we can never be together become fuzzy. I breathe in the scent of his cologne and swallow the moan before it escapes my mouth.

  Why does he have to be so irresistible?

  He reaches over me to grab the remote and my back stiffens as his arm grazes my leg. I can barely breathe, he’s so close. He’s been this close before…for years…and it’s never fazed me like this. Argh! Why did my feelings have to change? We were great the way we were! I never thought about him kissing me, touching me, telling me he loves me.

  Whoa. Aren’t I supposed to be moving on? How can that happen if I’m still fantasizing about him?

  “What’s up? You look a little spooked.” He flips through Netflix at the comedies. Good, since anything horror-ish would send me flying into his arms. I don’t have a high tolerance for scary.

  “Nothing. I’m fine.” Fine as in completely hot and bothered. Fine as in experiencing soul-crushing disappointment. Fine as in I’m completely in love with you, but you have no clue. I slide away from him just the slightest bit, so as not to catch his attention. No sense in being tempted by the shiny red apple I’ll never be able to bite. Besides, I need to keep my distance. Maybe it’ll help, until I go to sleep tonight and replay that delicious dream where he peels off my clothes, throws me on my bed, and—

  “How’s Elle doing?”

  “She’s good. Happy. Excited beyond belief.” I force a smile and turn to look at him, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.