Always You, Always Us

by Savannah Carey

  The corners of his lips curl upward, and he settles back against the arm of the couch. “You wore your hair down.”

  I tug at the strand and nod. “I did. It feels a little weird to be honest. My hair doesn’t know how to behave without being wrapped in a ponytail holder.”

  “It looks good, Livvie.” His voice is soft but gravelly, and it rumbles through me, sending chills up my arms. “You should wear it like that more often.”

  I swallow hard to find there’s a golf ball lodged in my throat that’s compromising my ability to speak. Or breathe. “Thanks,” I rasp, raising a self-conscious hand to my hair. He’s never commented on my hair style in the past, but then again, there really hasn’t been a reason to. High ponies are my signature style, with and without an obnoxiously large cheer bow sitting on top of my head.

  Elle insisted I wear my hair down to come over here. I thought I’d convinced her I’m not interested in Hunter. She’s only harassed me about it for the past ten or so years, and each time, I shoot down her theory. Heck, I even asked about the best man to throw her off. Well, that and to give myself a much-needed distraction. Something tells me she’s going to need some more convincing, but right now, I’m so happy she pulled out my ponytail holder.

  My mind races to string together some words. “So, um, is everything good? Do you need to go to the doctor or something to follow up?”

  He runs his hands through his hair and stretches his arms above his head, the movement making the muscles in his arms flex. I chomp down on my lower lip just in time to prevent the tiny moan from escaping my lips.

  “Nah. They said I was fine. And that I need a new Epi Pen.” He snickers, his hands resting on top of his head. The urge to crawl on top of him is so darn strong. Why did he have to choose that cologne to wear? It totally messes with my head, makes me want to say things I shouldn’t say…do things I know I shouldn’t do.

  The lump in my throat gets bigger with each passing second, and pretty soon, I’m going to be rendered completely mute, so I better fill the empty air between us while I can. But before I can force out a word, Hunter lets out a deep laugh. My head twists toward the television and a grin tugs at my lips. American Pie 2. He loves all of them and cracks up every time he sees one, without fail, even though he knows what’s going to happen next.

  His sense of humor is contagious. Just one more thing to love about him. Even if I’m in a bad mood, just watching him crack up over some silly line in a movie is enough to make me forget what’s bothering me. Most of the time.

  Unfortunately, that’s not the case tonight. There are too many things floating around in my head, and even the sound of his laughter can’t distract me enough from them. I tug on a strand of hair and force myself to look at him. He’s the only one who can see right through me, and if that’s the case, I have no idea how I’m going to keep this secret from him for much longer. Unless I stop mooning over him and get on with my life. I have plans! I have goals to achieve and a career to think about. This ESPN thing is good. It’ll give us distance and force us to go in different directions instead of running back to each other. I roll out my ankle. As long as my body cooperates.

  I peer into Hunter’s mouth and furrow my brow. “Um, exactly how many bags of M&Ms have you eaten tonight?”

  He ticks off his fingers. “The bag in the car, one at the hospital, and maybe four more in the past couple of hours. Why?”

  “Your tongue is a disturbing shade of greenish-blue.”

  “Good thing I don’t have plans for it tonight.” He winks at me, and goosebumps pop up along my bare arms. “I better take a break from them tomorrow, though. I’d hate for my alien tongue to chase away prospects at the party.”

  I force myself to mimic his laugh while my heart plummets into my flats.

  Hunter

  My hand drops to my side. It’s so close to Liv; close enough that I can reach out to stroke her arm, to lace my fingers with hers, and to pull that insanely tight body on top of me.

  But I don’t do any of it because I know I can’t have her. It’s why I mention the party. It’s a reminder to myself that she’s off-limits, and I need to distract myself from her with some other girl…story of my life. If she only knew how many times I fantasized about her while I was with some other girl.

  “I got some news a little while ago from Van.” Van is one of my traveling coaches. I met him at school my freshman year, but he ended up transferring down to Arizona State the following year. We always stayed close, and when Rising Star got some traction, I took a little road trip down south, met some of the Arizona athletes, and did some advertising. I’ve gone down for a few meetings over the past few months, and Van has picked up the slack for me. Today, I found out all that work paid off.

  Her head pops up, eyes wide. “What?”

  I grin. “Remember when I took that road trip down to Tempe? I was interviewing coaches so they’d all be prepped and ready to go.”

  “For what?” She leans closer, lips parted slightly, her blonde hair glimmering under the dim lamp light.

  I grab an empty M&Ms bag and ball it up so my hands don’t go wandering anywhere else. “There are about five grade-schools in the area that want to hold camps over the summer. We’re working on the schedule now.”

  “Hunter, that’s amazing!” And suddenly she’s on top of me, squeezing tight. “I’m so proud of you! You’ve been expanding exactly the right way – slow and steady. Just wait until you head out to the east coast. Shark Tank will come looking for you!”

  I breathe in, her light and clean signature scent enveloping my senses. For the briefest second, I allow myself to enjoy her body pressed against mine, the warmth she radiates, the lust she inspires. My fingers itch to creep under her shirt, to dance across her soft skin. My lips yearn to taste every inch of her, starting with the smooth column of her neck, which is open and exposed.

  Then, my mouth goes and wrecks the moment. “Would you miss me if I went out to the east coast?”

  “Why would you ask that?” she murmurs.

  “Because I want to hear you say it.”

  Her eyes widen, and she pushes off of me, retreating to her corner of the couch. But she has this magnetic pull on me that drags me away from the cushions and toward her like I’m some drug addict who knows she holds my next fix. I can see the question in her gaze and the panic in her eyes, but I don’t care. She doesn’t feel the same way, but I have to know if I’m still going to have her in my life, no matter where our paths may lead. I need to hear that I’ve made an impact on her, the same way she’s made one on me.

  “Of course I’d miss you. You’re my best friend.”

  “Things are going to change next year.”

  She nods, a glossy strand of hair falling in front of her eyes. “I know.”

  “I just want to make sure you don’t forget me if I can’t grace you with my presence every day.” I force my lips into a smile, even though speaking the words makes my chest tighten. Not seeing her every day, not hearing her laughter, not talking to her about inane nonsense that only we understand, not helping her through crises that seem to happen pretty often, not watching her pore over a textbook while in a straddle split…yeah, I’ll definitely miss that.

  “You’re pretty unforgettable, Hunter.” She bites her lower lip and picks at a loose thread on the blanket lying between us.

  Unforgettable. That’s a good thing. Not what I really wanted to hear, but it’s better than, Hey, Hunter. We’ve had a good run, but you’re definitely replaceable, and I’ll be shopping for a new best friend as soon as I get on that plane to training camp after graduation.”

  My heart pounds against my ribcage, blood rushing between my ears, drowning out any and all objections to what my body craves. It’s like I can’t formulate the thought that will stop it from doing the one thing that will give me what I need but then simultaneously yank it away forever.

  Because kissing her is what I want to do more than anything, but crossing
that line will destroy the past ten years and whatever more I can grasp in the future.

  My mind knows this. It’s why I keep those other girls on a permanent loop throughout the weeks and months. I distract myself with sex so I don’t let myself get tangled and strangled in the web of lust Liv has unknowingly spun. But in this moment, my body has shut off all communication lines with my brain, and it is acting on its own agenda…a definitively dangerous one at that.

  Less than a few inches of space separate us. Her eyes flicker toward me, her fingers still playing with the blanket. Blood rushes between my ears as I creep closer. She sees me coming but does nothing to stop me. She doesn’t back away, but she also doesn’t meet me halfway. That should have been my first clue that this idea is bad with a capital B, but my mind is still on lock down, and my body doesn’t really care.

  Ring! Ring! Ring!

  “What is that?” I pull away, my mind finally grabbing control back. My heart is still thumping, my groin still aching.

  “It’s Elle. I asked her to pick me up.”

  I rake a hand through my hair. “Why? It’s so early. I would have driven you home.”

  She shrugs and grabs her bag, springing from the couch. “I didn’t know if you’d be up to it, and she was out with Brandon, so it wasn’t a big deal. Besides, she gave me a little bit of a guilt trip before about not making time for her, so I promised I’d hang with her and Brandon and his best man Randy tonight. But I’ll see you tomorrow at the party.”

  Best man? Randy? I leap to my feet, chasing her as she backs out of the room, making excuses a mile a minute for why she needs to leave now, at this very second, when I came so close to destroying everything. Is that why she can’t even look me in the eye? Does she know what I was about to do? Does she want to get away from me because she’s afraid of hurting my feelings? Or is she just curious to find out more about this other guy who she’s never mentioned before? These questions pop like bullets between my ears, and I long to scream them out instead of tailing her like some lovesick puppy that doesn’t know when to heel.

  “Do you need a ride to the party?” One final desperate attempt before I label myself a complete pathetic mess. Thank God my dad and Cindy aren’t around to watch me crash and burn like this.

  Liv stops and turns toward me, her hand clutching the front door handle. Her lips turn upward, but they don’t reach her eyes like they usually do. Her smile is timid, almost regretful. Argh! Since when am I a psychologist? When do I pay attention to crap like this? I rub my temples. It’s gotta be because I haven’t had sex in twenty-four hours. That has to be it. No distraction means Liv takes center stage in my mind. In my heart, too. Great, now I sound like one of those cheesy actors in the Hallmark movies she loves so much.

  “I’m good. I’ll go with my parents and meet you there, okay?” Her smile wanes, and she peers out the window next to the door. “They’re here.” She lifts her hand in a little wave before pulling open the door. “Sweet dreams, Hunter. And stay away from the M&Ms I saw on the kitchen counter.” With a flip of her hair, she walks out of my house and closes the door behind her.

  “Randy.” Even saying his name out loud makes me cringe. This little double date has Elle written all over it. “Ugh,” I groan and collapse backward against the door. “And I just chased her out of here and into some other guy’s arms like some crazy stalker. I’m a mess.”

  “No, you’re just a guy who’s in love with his best friend.” Dad appears in the kitchen doorway, arms folded, his mouth stretched into a knowing grin. “I was wondering when you’d finally figure out what the rest of us have known for the past twelve years.”

  My head snaps up and my jaw drops. “What are you talking ab—?”

  “Hunter, if you could see what Cindy and I have seen, I think it’d be quite a bit of a shock to you. And to the women you parade around.”

  “I’m not in love with Liv.”

  “Come on, pal. I’m your dad. I know you better than anyone. You can’t fool me, even though you’ve clearly been fooling yourself for a long time.”

  My shoulders sag, and I let out a deep sigh. “Fine, I’m in love with Liv.”

  Dad doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me, like he can sense my inner turmoil.

  “I just admitted it, and you’ve got nothing?”

  “I have a lot, don’t worry. But I’m just trying to figure out where your head’s at. You’re the guy who doesn’t think twice about dating three girls at once. The fact that you’ve developed feelings for Liv does raise some red flags. She’s a fantastic girl. We love her like she’s one of our own, and while we love you, too, we don’t want to see her get hurt.”

  “And you think I’ll mess it up if I say anything?” I drag myself off the floor. “Wait, scratch that. There isn’t anything for you guys to worry about. I’m not telling her. This discussion is over. Let’s get some chocolate cake from the kitchen.”

  “Oh, we’re getting some cake. But first, why don’t you tell me what happened? You’ve felt this way for a long time, but I don’t think you’ve ever realized it. Something is different now. Both of you seem different.” Dad shakes his head. “Cindy noticed it, too. Did something happen while you were at school?”

  I shrug and rake a hand through my hair. “No, I just…I don’t know. I started seeing her differently, noticing things I hadn’t really paid attention to before. I’d get jealous when I’d see her with the guys she was dating. Things changed, and I’m not sure why.” I let out another groan. “This was so much easier before. Now I can’t stop thinking about her in ways that would classify me as a...well, let’s just say I’ve been fantasizing a little more than I’d like to admit.” I manage a half-grin. “There, I kept it tame for you, Dad.”

  He snickers. “Much appreciated.”

  I stagger past my dad into the kitchen and collapse into a chair. “So, yeah, I know how I feel about her. But it doesn’t matter.”

  Dad grabs two plates from one of the cabinets and a knife from the wooden block. I watch as he cuts two slices of Cindy’s famous chocolate cake and brings them to the table. I have a pretty serious addiction to chocolate, and my family feeds right into it. No pun intended. “Why doesn’t it matter?”

  “You said yourself that my feelings raise red flags. I can’t tell her any of this. I’ll mess it all up. She deserves better than me; someone who isn’t afraid of how he feels, someone who knows how to be a boyfriend, someone who wants to be a boyfriend.” I drag my fork through the frosting and lick it off, the sweetness doing nothing to improve my defeatist mood.

  “So, you’re saying you don’t want to be with her?”

  “I’m saying it doesn’t matter what I want because I won’t be able to make it work.”

  “Too many other girls in your periphery?”

  “Nah.” I sit back in the chair and toy with the fork. “I think the reason I date so much is to keep my mind off of Liv. Since I can’t have the one I want, I’ll just—“

  Dad holds up a hand. “Let’s just stop that thought right there, okay?”

  “Sure.” I smirk and shove a quick bite of the spongey cake into my mouth. It’s so buttery and soft, it practically melts in my mouth. Cindy is the best baker on the planet. I don’t know how my dad isn’t the size of a house. I swallow, wash it down with a gulp of milk, and look at my father. “Dad, the thing is, she deserves better than me, and I know it. I’m trying to hold on to whatever I can because I know it’s all I’ll ever have.”

  Dad furrows his brow. “That’s crazy. How can you say she deserves better?”

  “Because I don’t do relationships. And she does. I can’t give her what she wants.”

  “Did you ever consider the possibility that you ‘don’t do relationships’ with these girls because you’re already doing it with Liv?”

  I snicker, and Dad’s face reddens. “You know what I mean, smartass. Just because there isn’t anything physical doesn’t mean it doesn’t qualify as a relationship.”
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  I tap my fork against the plate. “It’s not the same.”

  “The physical part is easy. It’s the emotional part that’s the hardest because it takes work and dedication and love.”

  “Yeah, but she wants it all, Dad. I’m afraid if we cross a line, everything will crumble, and I’ll lose her forever.”

  “Hunter, you’re my son, and I always want what’s best for you. I see the drive and passion you’ve put into your business and how you’ve made it come to life from one conversation we had. Remember, in the hospital?”

  I nod. It was a crushing blow, losing my ability to play on the team. But I didn’t give myself too much time to lament. Grousing about my leg wouldn’t change my situation. Only I could do that, and wasting time sulking, complaining, and pitying myself was just holding me back from my next goal.

  I always have a goal, and dammit, I always achieve it, even though sometimes it takes me longer than I’d like.

  Now I want to find happiness with a girl I’ve loved for ten years. That’s my new goal, and it’s the first time, I’m afraid I may fail.

  Dad smiles at me. “I see the way you care about Liv, how you take care of her, and how she takes care of you right back. You may think you’re going in different directions with different needs and wants, but I can assure you, they’re one and the same. You’ve never walked away from what you’ve wanted even though it may have brought about challenges. Why should this be any different? If you want to be with her, tell her. Show her. Make her believe in you. I have a feeling she’s been waiting for you to do that for a long time, Son.”

  I shake my head. “You’re wrong. She dates other guys—“

  “Because she knows she can’t wait around for you. Jeez, for a guy who does as much dating as you do, you sure don’t know much about women.”

  I roll my eyes. “Trust me, I know plenty. It’s just that my dating activities don’t really include a psychoanalysis of the female mind.”