The Color of Her Panties

by Piers Anthony

  "Hey, no wand!" Gobble cried. "That's magic at a distance! That's outlawed!"

  "Oh, no, he's right," Gwenny said, looking ill.

  "You mean he can cheat and you can't?" Mela asked.

  "I didn't catch him cheating in time," Gwenny said. She handed the wand to Godiva.

  "No, you can't!" Jenny Elf said. "I'll do it instead!" She stepped out into the center.

  "Hey, four-eyes is coming in!" Gobble cried. "Only now she's bat blind instead! What a show!"

  "She can't see?" Okra asked.

  "Her spectacles were lost, and she didn't have time to get new ones," Che said. "She can see in a special way, but that won't help her against the ogre."

  Mela glanced at Okra, sadly. "It seems that your desire is about to be granted. You'll be rid of Jenny Elf."

  Suddenly Okra strode forward. She caught the elf by the collar and hauled her away from the arena. "Get out of here, girl. I'll do it."

  Astonished, Ida tried to protest. "But this isn't your quarrel, Okra! You don't care about the goblin succession, and you have good reason not to help Jenny Elf! And you can't fight Smithereen either! None of us can!" Yet even as she spoke, the idea was growing that maybe it was possible.

  Okra bent to pick up the roc talon they had brought. "It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." She walked out to meet Smithereen.

  The male ogre stared. "Who you?" he demanded.

  "I am Okra Ogress, whom you were supposed to marry. Instead, I am going to bash you into oblivion," Okra said. She poked at him with the point of the talon.

  It was evident that Smithereen didn't recognize the name. He might never have been told, or he might have forgotten, since bad memory was part of ogre stupidity. "Ho-ho! You no O," he said, grabbing the talon in a ham hand. Okra was jerked off balance. She was only half his size, and lacked muscle. She was obviously no match for him.

  Gobble and the henchmen were doubling over with laughter. "What a silly filly!" Gobble exclaimed.

  "She's no filly, she's an ogress," Che muttered. "And a brave and selfless one."

  Then Ida got another idea. "The madcap, Okra!" she called. "That's what you need!"

  Okra heard. She reached into her pack and pulled out the cap. She jammed it on her head.

  "Ho ho!" Smithereen roared. "Fat hat!"

  But Okra was changing. Her body seemed to be growing larger and hairier, and her face uglier. She was enraged. "Sneer he at she?" She jerked on the talon, pulling him forward, then pounded a fist into his belly. "Smelly belly!" she screamed.

  "OOOF! POOOF!" Smithereen gasped, surprised. The blow had evidently had a good deal of force.

  "Never underestimate the ire of an ogress scorned," Che murmured, intrigued.

  Ida's belief increased. After all, Okra had fought the dragon. The madcap made all the difference. Perhaps even more so than usual, for Okra had seemed to like the ogre, and it might be reversing the power of her liking, turning it into hating. As Che observed, women did not like to be scorned.

  Now Smithereen was catching on that there was after all some opposition. He straightened up, forming a ham fist. He lifted his massive club, whose mass seemed to be almost as much as Okra's whole body. He swung it viciously at her head.

  But Okra stepped back and swung the talon. It met the club and stopped it. Ida realized that the talon itself must have magic, to enable the roc to land on the toughest surface with all her weight and not break a nail, and to hold on to whatever it touched. It made a good weapon.

  Then Okra took the offense. She swung the talon, bashing his arm out of the way, then stabbed him in the chest with the point. The thrust wasn't strong enough to impale him, but it did make him stagger back. She followed up with another stab, this time at the head.

  But Smithereen did know how to fight. He swung his club around again, and when Okra countered with the talon, he reached down with his free hand and grabbed her by the hair. He lifted her into the air. Her cap tilted crazily, but remained in place.

  "Hey, that's a foul!" Jenny Elf cried.

  "There are no fouls in this type of combat," Gwenny said morosely. She seemed not to have phenomenal confidence in the outcome.

  Okra heard that. "No fouls?" she asked. "I can do anything I want?"

  "That's right, hair-face!" Gobble answered. "Whatcha going to do, kiss him?" And he rolled over again with laughter, and his henchmen with him. To a brat his age, kissing was contemptible.

  Okra hauled up both knees and bashed the ogre in the chin. He fell back, dropping her. She landed neatly, then used the talon to stab between his legs. She wedged it around so that it made him stumble and fall. Then she leaned over him, taking the talon in both hands. She was using her hidden advantage, and fighting intelligently.

  Suddenly Gobble got nervous. She was actually making a fight of it!

  "Ha-ha!" Jenny Elf cried, getting into it. "Your ogre can't match that madcap!"

  "Madcap!" Gobble exclaimed. "That's magic!" He ran into the arena behind Okra, made a terrific leap, and grabbed the cap from her head.

  "Hey!" Ida cried, outraged. "That's cheating! You can't interfere!"

  "So whatcha going to do about it, girl-face?" the goblin brat demanded, tossing the cap to a henchman.

  Without the madcap, Okra lost her furious power and initiative. She stood there over the fallen ogre as if not knowing what to do next. In a moment he would jump back up and pulverize her. She couldn't even give him her asthma, because she had already given it to Hugh Mongous the monoceros.

  "You can do it, Okra!" Ida cried, desperately believing.

  Che could only shake his head. Optimism was about to collide with reality.

  Then Okra threw herself down on Smithereen's body. Her face landed on his face. She put her mouth to his mouth.

  "She's doing it!" Mela cried, astonished. "She's kissing him!"

  For a moment Smithereen lay still. Then he threw Okra off, clambered to his feet, and opened his huge ugly mouth. "Ugh! Ugh!" he cried. And charged out of the chamber.

  The goblins gaped. "Huh?" Gobble asked intelligently.

  Then Ida caught on. "She did what you said!" she called. "She kissed him! And he couldn't stand it! He fled! And Okra's the winner! She beat your champion!" Yet Ida realized that this had been a sacrifice for Okra, because she would rather have made Smithereen like her instead of being revolted by her. She had thrown away whatever chance she might have had to get together with him.

  Gobble's mouth dropped open. "No fair!" he cried.

  But Gwenny seized the moment. "It's fair! There are no fouls. She beat him by disgusting him so much he fled. He lost and she won. And you have lost and I have won! Now I am chief."

  "No!" he cried despairingly.

  Gwenny whirled on the henchmen. "Now you will obey me, or be banished. Arrest Gobble!"

  Stunned, the henchmen stood still. But Moron, Idiot, and Imbecile strode eagerly forward, ready to do their duty.

  "No, she's just a stupid girl!" Gobble cried, as his henchmen blocked off Gwenny's three goblins. "You can't obey her! Kill her!"

  "Now that makes me mad," Okra said. She lifted the talon and strode toward Gobble. The henchmen scattered at her approach.

  "You can't be mad!" Gobble said. "You lost the madcap."

  "I don't need the madcap to be mad at a sniveling brat like you," Okra said. She caught him by the collar and lifted him into the air, much as Smithereen had lifted her. She brought the talon around.

  "No! No!" he screamed, waving his stubby arms and legs helplessly. "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" "Why not?" Okra demanded. "You were going to kill Gwenny."

  "But she's just a stupid girl!"

  "Well, so am I. And you're just a bratty boy," Okra retorted. She aimed the point of the talon at his face.

  Gobble burst into tears.

  "This is what you want to be chief?" Okra asked the henchmen. She let Gobble drop and turned away.

  She had made her point. One by one the henchmen turned to Gwen
ny. "You are chief," one said. "We don't like it, but we must obey you."

  "Thank you," Gwenny said, as if the issue had never been in doubt. She faced Gobble. "Get out of here, brat. I hereby banish you from Goblin Mountain. If you ever return, the first goblin who sees you will kill you, or suffer the consequence himself."

  Gobble got up and attempted some bravado. "You can't do this! I'll get you!"

  "If you don't leave immediately, I might change my mind about letting you live," Gwenny said evenly.

  The brat hesitated. Then Okra took a step toward him.

  Gobble quickly fled.

  Gwenny acted as if the brat had never existed. "Moron!" she snapped.

  Moron came forward, somewhat apprehensively. "Yes, chief."

  "I appoint you Head Honcho," Gwenny said. "All these henchmen will answer to you. You will keep order in Goblin Mountain, and report to me alone."

  "Gee," Moron said, abashed.

  "We have to report to that slug?" a henchman demanded incredulously.

  Then he sailed into the air. Ida saw that Godiva was using her wand.

  "You have a problem with that?" Gwenny inquired.

  The henchman sailed over a stalagmite near the edge of the main chamber, and hovered over the sharp stone point. "N-no problem," the goblin said quickly.

  "Are you sure?" Gwenny asked sweetly.

  The henchman descended toward the stalagmite, butt first. "Quite sure, %%%%!" he muttered.

  "I don't think I heard that," Gwenny said.

  The goblin landed on the tip. "I HAVE NO PROBLEM!" he bellowed.

  "I am so glad you got the point," Gwenny said.

  Only then did he nudge off the stone column and come to rest gently on the floor, rubbing his posterior.

  For some reason none of the other henchmen expressed any problems either.

  "Idiot," Gwenny said, and that goblin came forward. "I am placing you in charge of Intelligence."

  "Uh—what's that word?" Idiot asked blankly.

  "Spying," she said. "You will make sure that there are no spies in Goblin Mountain. You will give any you find a bath."

  "A bath?"

  "You will keep a big pot of water here, which you will heat to boiling," she explained. "For the bath."

  He began to get a glimmer. He glanced at the henchmen. "But how will I know who's a spy?"

  "That's easy. It is anyone who says a word against the new chief, or any friends of the chief. Or who does anything that might reflect adversely on Goblin Mountain."

  "Might what?"

  "Look bad," she clarified. "Dirty deeds. Dirty words."

  "Actually, those henchmen already look sort of dirty to me," he said. "And I think I heard a dirty word in the mouth of one of them." He glanced meaningfully at the one who had said "%%%%."

  "Then set up the pot and give them a cold bath," she said. "That should clean them off. Use soap to wash out their mouths. If that doesn't do it, heat the water. I'm sure they will improve as it warms."

  Ida saw that Gwenny had a fair notion of how to enforce her leadership. Probably her mother had instructed her.

  Idiot set about the job with gusto. A huge kettle floated in, no doubt assisted by Godiva's wand. Goblins started carrying buckets of water to dump into it, and bars of soapstone. There would not be much spying in Goblin Mountain after this day.

  "Imbecile," Gwenny said, and the third goblin approached. "I am appointing you the Foreign Relations Officer. You will make arrangements to meet with representatives of the other folk of the neighborhood, such as the Flower Elves, the griffins, and especially the naga. We are henceforth going to live in peace with them all."

  "In peace?" he asked, amazed.

  "And cooperation. We may even trade goods with them. If any doubt, I will go personally to clarify the new order."

  A new figure appeared. It was a huge snake. It formed a handsome human head. "Hear, hear!" it exclaimed.

  "Naldo Naga!" Che exclaimed. "You found us!"

  "A bit late, I am afraid," Naldo agreed. "There was some difficulty with a sign. I turned around as soon as I realized. Where is the opposing champion?"

  "He departed," Gwenny said. "That was Smithereen Ogre."

  "Oh, that must have been the one I saw crashing through trees and mountains. I asked him where he was going, and he said he didn't remember. So I asked him where he was coming from, and he said he was fleeing a cute ogress."

  "That was me," Okra said. "I beat him by kissing him." Yet she looked sad rather than happy.

  Naldo glanced at her. "He said that ogress wasn't very ugly or stupid, but she had a secret weapon that destroyed his will to fight. I think you impressed him."

  "Oh!" Okra said, thrilled.

  Naldo turned back to Gwenny. "So it is done? You are now chief of Goblin Mountain?"

  "Yes, thanks to you," Gwenny said. "You sent Mela, Ida, and Okra to rescue us, and then Okra won the final challenge for me. I owe them all so much, and you too!"

  "I don't think so," Naldo said. "I believe the scales are even, now."

  "But without their help, I would never have made it!"

  "Bear with me," Naldo said. "If you will allow me to explain, I think I can satisfy everyone." He glanced around. "And if you will post a lookout, I am expecting another person shortly. She should be treated with respect."

  "By all means." Gwenny sent a goblin off to keep an eye out for the person. Then they gathered in a corner of the chamber, so as to be away from the clamor of the ongoing goblin bath.

  Naldo coiled his serpentine body and addressed those around him. "These three," he said, indicating Mela, Okra, and Ida herself, "came to the Good Magician Humfrey to ask their Questions. Instead of answering, he sent them to my sister, the Princess Nada Naga, who sent them on to me. When I talked with them, I realized why the Good Magician acted as he did, and I did what I had to do."

  "You sent us to the Simurgh!" Ida said. "And she sent us to rescue Che Centaur. You said you would grant all our wishes, if we did."

  "Precisely. Now I shall do that." Naldo looked at Okra. "It is your desire to become a major character."

  "Yes," Okra said. "And you did give me the chance; I see that now. But I threw it away, because I didn't get rid of Jenny Elf."

  "You saved me!" Jenny said. "I would have been destroyed, but you stepped in and beat the ogre!"

  "You sacrificed what you perceived to be your own welfare, for the sake of one you didn't want to help," Naldo said to Okra. "Why did you do that?"

  "Well, it just wasn't right to have a blind person fight an ogre," Okra said. "And I saw that Gwenny did need to be chief. So I just had to do it. I know I messed up, but I guess I just didn't want to get what I wanted that way. But maybe it's not so bad being a minor character. Maybe I can work something out with Smithereen."

  "Maybe you can," Naldo said. "But that will be another story. In this story you do achieve your desire, Okra."

  Okra shook her head, confused. Ida was confused too. "I told you, I gave it up," Okra said.

  "And I told you that you didn't," Naldo said. "It may have been true that there was an opening for a particular major character, and that Jenny Elf got it. But new openings occur all the time. The thing is, they are not just given out to those who want them. If that were true, every Mundane would be overrunning Xanth; we'd have Mundanes clogging the drains. So few have the chance, and fewer are called. I saw that you had a chance, but only if you qualified, and the only way you could qualify was by doing something noble, so that others would want to see you as a major character. That is why the Good Magician did not answer you; he knew that you did not want the thing you asked for, and that you could achieve your true desire only if you acted appropriately without knowing its significance. You could not act unselfishly if you knew the reward for it. You had to remain ignorant until your chance came. I gave you that chance, and it seems you came through. You earned your status."

  "I did?" Okra asked, bemused.

  "You acted sel
flessly, and did a truly good deed at great risk to yourself. You saved Jenny Elf, and won the chiefship for Gwendolyn Goblin. In those actions you became a major character." He bowed his head, briefly. "I salute you, Okra Ogress, and congratulate you on the charmed life which will now be yours."

  "Can this be true?" Okra asked dazedly.

  Jenny Elf went to her. "Oh, yes, that's the way it works." She kissed Okra on the cheek.

  "Jenny knows," Naldo said. "She routinely does similar things. She is about to go to give a year's service to the Good Magician, which she undertook on behalf of her friend Gwenny. Decency and generosity are the hallmarks of major characterdom. Perhaps the two of you can be friends, now."

  "Oh, I'm sure they can!" Ida said enthusiastically as the two looked at each other.

  "And you, Ida Human," Naldo said, turning to her. "You may be the most remarkable case I've seen. You sought your destiny—but your destiny was beyond your dreams. You, too, had to remain ignorant, if you were to achieve it, so the Good Magician also declined to answer you. Instead he gave you the same chance he gave Okra."

  "But what is my destiny?" Ida asked, as bemused as Okra had been.

  Naldo turned to Che Centaur. "What do you think it is?" he asked.

  "Why, I don't know," Che said, surprised.

  "But you have an idea. Come on—I know you do, because I see it reflected in Ida. You have conjectured."

  "Well, we only made idle guesses," Che said, "when I was about to set off to find a champion. We speculated how she might be a princess, or somebody's twin, or have a Sorceress-caliber magic talent. But it didn't mean anything."

  "It means everything," Naldo said firmly. "I suspected it the moment I saw her, but I couldn't figure why the Good Magician had declined to tell her. So I assumed that the two aspects of three were fixed, but that the third required special handling, just as was the case with Okra's major character status. That premature telling would spoil it. So I postponed answering until I could verify it—and now I have. Ida is all those things."

  "What?" Ida squeaked, thrilled and appalled. "A princess? A twin? With a strong talent? I've never shown any sign of—"

  "I asked a friend to come here," Naldo said. "After she made sure it was safe, of course. She should be arriving just about now."