The Color of Her Panties

by Piers Anthony

  Indeed, the posted goblin appeared. Behind him was a cloaked figure. It seemed to be a woman. Her face could not be seen behind the thick veil, yet she looked oddly familiar. She came to stand before Naldo, remaining anonymous.

  "Ida," Naldo said, "your destiny was to be all the things you ever dreamed of being. It was your talent which confused me, but now it can be revealed. First, the other two." He nodded at the anonymous woman. "Meet your twin sister, who was as surprised by the news as you are."

  Ida opened her mouth, but could not speak. She actually was a twin?

  "But who is she?" Che asked.

  The woman lifted her veil. The others stared. "They look almost alike!" Okra said.

  "So they do," Naldo said. "But there are those here who know our visitor."

  "The Princess Ivy of Human Xanth," Godiva exclaimed.

  Now Ida stared. "The Princess Ivy?"

  Ivy took her hand, then embraced her. "I did not believe it at first, but now I do," she said. "We finally verified it on the Tapestry. The stork tried to bring two, but lost one, and I was the only one who reached Castle Roogna. I never knew!"

  "So you are Princess Ida," Naldo said. "And now your talent, and the reason the Good Magician declined to identify it. It complements Ivy's talent of Enhancement, but is even more subtle. Your magic is that of the Idea, as your name suggests. When you get an idea, it comes true."

  "Every time Ida said she was sure something would work, it did!" Mela exclaimed. "She even suggested that Okra don the madcap, so she could beat the ogre."

  Ida realized that it was true. She had come to believe that Okra had a chance, and then Okra had won, even without the madcap. She had believed that Che would find a champion, and he had, even if Gobble had managed to mess that up. Everything she truly believed in had happened.

  "But that must be Xanth's most powerful talent," Godiva said. "She could make anything happen, just by deciding that it should!"

  "No," Naldo said. "It is obvious that it has never been that easy for Ida. Because her talent has a crucial liability. The idea has to come from someone who doesn't know her talent."

  "But she didn't know her talent," Mela said.

  "Correct. That was vital, because it meant that she could get ideas on her own, and make them come true. Now that she knows her talent, she can no longer do that. And none of us, here, can do it either, because now we know her talent. So it will continue to be just as tricky to invoke it as it has been before. But when it is invoked, it is certainly of Sorceress caliber, as befits a princess."

  "But the Good Magician," Che said. "Surely he knew!"

  "Surely he did," Naldo agreed. "As did the demon Professor Grossclout, and the Simurgh. But they also knew that Ida would not achieve her destiny unless someone who did not know suggested it. They also knew that her talent was needed to help rescue you, Che, and to enable Gwenny to become chief. Because Ida is a nice, optimistic person, inclined to believe the best of people and situations. Without that special type of support, your prospects would have been bleak indeed. But now the important things have been accomplished, and it is only fair that Ida know her own nature." He turned to her. "You will be going home to Castle Roogna with your sister, now."

  "You—you recognized me," Ida said. "When the demon professor conjured us to Draco's nest."

  "I thought I did," he agreed. "I thought you were Ivy. Then I realized that you weren't, but that you were so very like her that something special was going on. So I started investigating, and gradually it came to make sense. But you could not be allowed to know until you had seen Gwenny through to victory. The matter was too important to be risked. Every person who recognized your nature had to conceal that knowledge, until the time was right."

  "Yes," Ida agreed faintly. She turned to Ivy. "But was I really your twin sister, before someone thought of it? I mean, if it is my talent that makes things come true—"

  "It's true now," Ivy said. "We no longer need to worry about what might have been, or what might not have been, or how any premature revelation of your talent might have changed things."

  "That's beautiful," Mela said. "I'm so glad for you, Ida. I hope we can still be friends, even if you are now a princess, and Okra and I are just people."

  "Of course we can!" Ida exclaimed, going to hug her and the ogress. "I'm sure it makes no difference." Then she had a painful second thought. "Except that if my own ideas don't work, now—" "Friendship is not an idea, it's a personal choice," Godiva said. "You will remain friends if you want to be."

  "Oh, I want to be!" Ida said. Then a third thought came. "But you, Mela—what of your quest? You haven't found a husband, and now I can't get the idea that you will."

  "Yes, it is time to address that matter," Naldo said. "I promised all of you fulfillment, and now it is Mela Merwoman's turn. Mela, for the record, exactly what kind of husband do you seek?"

  "Oh, nothing much," she said, abashed. "Just the smartest, handsomest, nicest, most manly prince available who won't mind my swimming in the sea often, and who likes raw fish, and who will help me brush out my hair. Some folk seem to think there is something wrong with a tail or with greenish tresses. But—"

  "Which is why the Good Magician sent you to my sister," Naldo said. "And she sent you to me. And why you wore that Freudian slip, and slowed me the color of your panties. I must admit, that very nearly freaked me out.

  But I knew I had to wait until the rest of your quest was done and your friends had achieved their desires."

  Mela blushed a solid plaid. "You saw my panty?" But there was more to her blush than that; she was evidently foolishly smitten with Naldo, just as Okra was with Smithereen.

  "Just a wee glimpse," he said. "But that was sufficient. I know that you are the sexiest crossbreed human in Xanth, which defines my own simple desire in a wife." He changed to his human form, and stood there as an extraordinarily handsome man. "I am the one you seek: Prince Naldo Naga, until this moment Xanth's most eligible bachelor. I will marry you, Mela, and fulfill your dreams, even as you fulfill mine. I have no objection to a pretty tail, having one myself." He changed briefly back to his naga form. "And I do like to swim on occasion, and eat raw fish, especially with compatible company. I shall be happy to help brush out your greenish hair, if you will wear that slip and those panties and sit in my lap while I'm doing it." He shot her a glance that nearly violated the Adult Conspiracy.

  "Oh, yes!" Mela exclaimed swooningly.

  "My sister has been trying to marry me off for years," the prince confided. "And she has at last succeeded. Come, I shall kiss you now, and seal the betrothal."

  Ida could not even marvel at his assurance, because he was a prince, and he had been instrumental in helping them all complete their quests. He was horribly smart, yet as it turned out, he had had a nice reason for making them work for their answers. Mela could not have found a better match. She too would become a princess, because she would marry a prince. All because of that Freudian slip and her fancy panty. Who would have thought that the color of her panties would be so important!

  Mela seemed ready to faint, but she managed to stave it off, because there was just too much to appreciate in the conscious state. Ida saw that Prince Naldo was indeed the most intelligent, handsome, nicest unmarried prince in Xanth. It hadn't been clear before, because he had never shown them his human form, but now it was impossible to doubt. Mela's dream had been realized.

  The prince took Mela in his arms and kissed her. They made Xanth's loveliest couple, even if they were both in human form at the moment. Only the goblins seemed bored.

  Then the Freudian slip flashed a glimpse that nudged the male goblins across the line into freakdom.

  Naldo drew back half a smidgen and gazed into Mela's oceanic eyes. "How do I love sea?" he asked rhetorically. "Let me count the waves." The merwoman seemed about to dissolve. She had been warned about his humor.

  A hand touched Ida's arm. She turned to find Princess Ivy there. "Come, sister: we must tak
e you to Castle Roogna to meet your family."

  Ida realized that she had indeed achieved her destiny. They all had.

  History of Xanth (simplified)

  by E. Timber Bram

  -4000 Presumed arrival of the Demon X(A/N)t , plus or minus ten thousand years or multiple thereof, causing magic to slowly infuse the region from the trace leakage of his essence.

  -2200 Around this time, a colony of human folk arrives from Mundania. It grows for a while until Magicians and Sorceresses manifest. One of the early Sorceresses is the Sea Hag, mostly unknown to others because of her frequent change of bodies. She survives until 1077, when she is banished to Brain Coral storage. The Hag apparently forgot her history, remembering only that she is thousands of years old.

  -2100 About this time, Xanth is cut off from Mundania, becoming a true island.

  -1900 T he human colony fails, with the humans becoming assorted magic species through interbreeding or change by magic. Harpies, merfolk, naga, sphinxes, ogres, goblins, elves, fauns, nymphs, fairies, and other crossbreeds and variants may derive from this; they tend to be closemouthed about it, evidently preferring not to admit the debasement of their lineage by human stock. Thus this colony is unknown to history, except by the mute evidence of the surviving species.

  -1000 The isthmus is restored and limited contact with Mundania is resumed.

  -800 Centaur species begins around this time.

  -85 Prince Harold Harpy delivered.

  -73 Prince Harold Harpy exiled to Brain Coral storage.

  0 First Wave of human colonization arrives in Xanth, establishing current permanent settlement.

  1 Civilized voles leave their main camp near the Gap Chasm.

  35 Second Wave occurs, killing men and children of First Wave.

  200 Third Wave occurs several generations later.

  202 Magician Roogna delivered to Third Waver.

  204 Fourth Wave occurs. Women surviving the Third Wave kill their rapist husbands and bring in better men.

  216 The Princess is delivered to the King preceding Roogna.

  219 Millie the Maid delivered in West Stockade.

  224/225 Electra delivered to West Stockade.

  228 Roogna crowns himself king.

  233 Electra goes to the Isle of View to help the Sorceress Tapis by making the Heaven Cent.

  236 The Princess goes to Tapis to have a coverlet made for her sleep.

  * Altercation between Magician Murphy and Sorceress lapis at the Isle of View. Murphy's curse causes Electra to bite the apple and start the 1,000 year sleep scheduled for the Princess.

  * Fifth Wave advance scouts enter Xanth.

  * Dor's adventure in Fourth Wave Xanth, wherein he detonates the Forget Spell in the Gap Chasm.

  * The great Goblin/Harpy War occurs.

  * Prince Harold Harpy released from Brain Coral storage, and the spell on goblin females is revoked.

  * Topological transformation of Millie the Maid into a book titled The Skeleton in the Closet. Neo-Sorceress Vadne exiled to Brain Coral storage. The Zombie Master zombies himself.

  * Tapis and the Princess go to Castle Roogna, and the Princess marries King Roogna.

  237 Magician Murphy retires to Brain Coral storage.

  * Fifth Wave proper begins.

  286 King Roogna dies in battle with the Sixth Wave.

  367 Zombie Jonathan encounters a phantom at Specter Lake.

  378 Seventh Wave.

  591 Stork brings Magician Gromden.

  623 Magician Gromden assumes the throne.

  657 Stork brings Magician Yin-Yang.

  658 Stork brings Threnody as the result of the mischief of a demoness with King Gromden.

  659 Stork brings Jordan the Barbarian to Fen Village.

  677 Jordan commences his adventure in medieval Xanth.

  * Jordan has a tryst with Bluebell Elf.

  * King Gromden dies; Castle Roogna deserted.

  * Magician Yang assumes the throne.

  * Jordan becomes a ghost.

  * Threnody marries King Yang.

  * Threnody becomes a ghost.

  * King Yang remarries.

  * Stork brings Lord Bliss, son of Yang.

  * Stork holds nose and brings Evil Magician Muerte A. Fid.

  * Eighth Wave.

  * Stork brings Rose of Roogna to Lord Bliss and Lady Rose.

  * King Yang assassinated by poisoning.

  * Muerte A. Fid, Magician of Alchemy, assumes the throne.

  * Lord Bliss receives poison-pen letter.

  * Lord Bliss dies. Rose sent to Castle Roogna for safety.

  * Ninth Wave.

  * Tenth Wave.

  * Eleventh Wave.

  * Stork brings Magician Ebnez.

  * Mare Imbrium foaled as night mare.

  * Magician Ebnez takes the throne.

  * LastWave (Twelfth).

  * King Ebnez adapts the Deathstone into the Shieldstone to protect Xanth from Mundane Waves.

  * Stork brings Humfrey.

  * Stork brings MareAnn.

  * Stork brings Storm Magician.

  * Humfrey hired by King Ebnez to do a Xanth census of talents, as Royal Surveyor.

  * King Ebnez dies.

  * Humfrey declared Magician and assumes throne.

  * King Humfrey marries Dana Demoness: wife 1.

  953 E. Timber Bram appointed Historian of Xanth.

  954 Dafrey delivered to King Humfrey and Dana Demoness; Dana takes off.

  * Humfrey marries Maiden Taiwan: wife 2.

  955 Tics mutate.

  971 Humfrey abdicates throne. Matron Taiwan abdicates their marriage.

  * Storm Magician assumes the throne.

  * Humfrey rediscovers Castle Roogna.

  972 Humfrey achieves degree from University of Magic and becomes a true Magician of Information.

  972 Magician Humfrey marries Rose of Roogna: wife 3.

  973 Rosetta Bliss Humfrey—"Roy"—delivered to Magician Humfrey and Princess Rose.

  975 Storm King decrees that any resident without a magic talent will be exiled from Xanth.

  994 Rosetta marries Stone.

  * Cherie Centaur foaled south of North Village. 997 Stork brings Magician Trent to North Village.

  1000 Rose goes to Hell in a handbasket.

  * Magician Humfrey takes eighty years' worth of Lethe elixir.

  * Magician Humfrey marries Sofia Mundane: wife 4.

  1001 Stork brings Sorceress Iris to an unwary family.

  1002 Crombie the Soldier delivered to Magician Humfrey and Sofia. 1005 Magician Humfrey trains Magician Trent.

  1007 Magician Humfrey trains Sorceress Iris.

  1017 (Magician) Bink delivered to North Village to Roland and Bi-anca.

  1021 Magician Trent transforms the fish in Fish River into lightning bugs; also others, including a winged centaur filly who flees to Brain Coral's pool.

  1022 Evil Magician Trent attempts a coup d'etat. Transforms Justin into a tree. Is betrayed and exiled to Mundania.

  1025 Stork brings Gorgon and Siren, twin sisters.

  1027 Bink loses the middle finger of his left hand in a nonmagical accident.

  1033 Herman Centaur, exiled from the herd for having magic.

  1035 Sofia (wife 4) returns to Mundania.

  1036 Sea Hag takes over her last body.

  1039 Grundy Golem animated by Good Magician Humfrey.

  1040 Donald becomes a shade.

  1042 Bink travels to the Good Magician to learn whether he has a magic talent. Encounters an aspect of Chameleon, Donald Shade, Sorceress Iris, Magician Humfrey, has missing finger restored by healing spring, and is exiled to drear Mudania.

  * Bink, Chameleon, and Magician Trent return to Xanth and find Castle Roogna.

  * Wiggle swarm; Herman the Hermit Centaur dies.

  * Storm King dies.

  * Magician Trent becomes king and deactivates Shieldstone.

  * Magician Trent marries Sorceress Iris.

&nb
sp; * Bink marries Chameleon.

  * Chester Centaur marries Cherie Centaur.

  * Thirteenth Wave: Trent's former army settles peacefully.

  * Chet Centaur foaled near North Village to Chester and Cherie Centaur.

  * Grundy Golem goes to Magician Humfrey to learn how to become real.

  1043 Millie the Ghost restored to life.

  * Time of No Magic.

  * Magician Murphy and Neo-Sorceress Vadne escape from Brain Coral storage and make deal with Com-Pewter: get them safely to Mundania and their child will serve the evil machine, if he ever comes to Xanth.

  * Brain Coral starts inventory of stock in pool. This requires two or three decades to complete, so Murphy and Vadne are not yet missed.

  * Crunch Ogre marries curse fiend ogress.

  * Demon X(A/N)th makes Grundy Golem alive.

  * Magician Dor delivered to Bink and Chameleon.

  * Crombie marries Jewel Nymph.

  1044 Princess Irene delivered to King Trent and Queen Iris.

  * Smash Ogre whelped north of Magic Dust Village to Crunch Ogre and pseudo ogress.

  * Tandy delivered to Crombie and Jewel.

  1046 Goldy Goblin delivered to Gorbage Goblin.

  1047 Chem Centaur foaled to Chester and Cherie Centaur.

  1051 Stork brings Xavier in South Xanth to the witch Xanthippe.

  1052 Stork delivers Wira into an undistinguished and probably undeserving family.

  1054 Gorgon returns to Xanth and asks Good Magician Humfrey a Question: "Would you marry me?"

  1055 Dor goes to Fourth Wave Xanth to get the zombie restorative formula from the Zombie Master. Uses it to restore Zombie Jonathan to life as the Zombie Master.

  * Zombie Master marries Millie the Maid.

  * Hardy Harpy hatched in South Xanth.

  * Gorgon, having served a year, gets her Answer: Magician Humfrey would marry her. She's not surprised.

  1056 Hiatus and Lacuna, twins, delivered to Zombie Master and Millie.

  * Stork brings Glory Goblin to Gorbage Goblin.

  1057 Zora dies of grief for her false true love, and is zombied.

  * Stork brings Rapunzel. She is raised in the Ivory Tower by the Sea Hag.

  1057 A centaur and winged horse happen to drink at a love spring.