If I Can't Have You

by Iris Morland

  He'd tossed and turned for hours after getting home last night. He'd wanted to tell Abby everything about Tina, and yet the last thing he wanted was her pity. His pride had forbidden him from talking about how the woman he'd once loved had betrayed him with another man. So why the sudden need to confess all?

  What did it say about Mark himself, that his former girlfriend had thrown him over for his best friend? He wondered sometimes if he hadn't caused Tina to stray. If he'd paid more attention to her, if he'd told her how much he'd loved her, if he'd been charming and funny and everything Aaron had been, maybe things would've been different.

  He wondered if he could expect love from any woman when he felt like he was damaged goods.

  He heard Abby go to her room. He went to the kitchen to wait for her, but when she didn't show even for a cup of coffee, concern filled him. Perhaps she was so tired that she'd gone straight to bed, he reasoned, but something itched in the back of his mind.

  "Abby?" he murmured as he knocked on her door. To his surprise, it was shut completely, so not even the cats could get in. The two felines were already meowing at the door and turning in circles. He tried the handle, but it was locked.

  "Abby? Open up. Are you okay?"

  He was seriously considering breaking down the door when she finally opened it. He took in her red eyes and her wet cheeks, his concern increasing.

  "What is it? What happened?"

  He tried to touch her, embrace her, but she pulled away. He watched in confusion as she sat on her bed and started crying.

  He didn't know what to do. She wouldn't talk to him, and her crying scared him. Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands from her face and squeezed her fingers.

  "Please tell me what's wrong. Please. Abby, you're killing me."

  She wiped her eyes on her shoulder, sniffling and hiccupping. "I was so scared. I've never been so scared." Her voice hitched.

  "Scared of what, baby? Tell me."

  Her eyes widened a little at the endearment. "Derek came to my work this morning. He...threatened me."

  Mark's vision went black for a moment. He had to let go of her hands so he didn't crush them. It was only seeing Abby's tearstained face that kept him from losing control.

  "Tell me what happened," he said as he sat next to her.

  She told him, at first in halting sentences, and then in surer tones. By the time she'd finished, she wasn't shaking from fear—it was from a rage mirrored by Mark himself.

  He got up and started to pace, fists clenching and unclenching. He thought of how it would feel to punch that asshole in the face, and then keep punching him until he cried for mercy. He'd make him beg for him to stop.

  "Did you call the cops?" Mark asked her.

  She shook her head. "I just wanted to get out of there. I know. It was stupid." Her voice seemed choked. "I wanted to get back here. To you. I wanted to finish my shift and drive here until I felt safe again."

  His rage dissipated, a different emotion taking hold of his heart. Wrapping an arm around her, he held her close, wishing he could erase her fear completely.

  "I'm going to get a restraining order today, though," Abby said. "Or at least apply for one. However that works."

  "Caleb can help. If all else fails, I'll make him your bodyguard."

  That made her smile. "You won't be my bodyguard?"

  "No, because I'll be too busy tracking that piece of shit down and making him pay." He snarled the words.

  She stiffened. "Don't go after him. Please. If anything should happen to you..."

  "Nothing will happen to me."

  "You don't know that." She took his face in her hands. "Please, Mark. Don't do anything. If you were hurt or worse—" She swallowed, pressing against him.

  He finally said, "Then you need to stay here where I can look out for you. Don't leave yet."

  She didn't say anything, but merely sighed.

  He made her look up at him.

  "Stay with me, Abby. I'll keep you safe."

  Her eyes filled with some emotion he couldn't identify. She nodded. "I'll stay."

  He kissed her forehead, and then he kissed her nose and then her cheeks, tasting the salt of her tears. She whispered his name when he kissed her mouth, the kiss deepening within moments. Lust coursed through Mark's veins, and he ran a hand down her back. She moaned, arching, her breath increasing.

  He wanted to topple her onto her bed and screw her senseless until they were both exhausted, but something told him not to. Not now. Not yet. She was vulnerable, she needed to rest—

  He ended the kiss, but he didn't let her go. "You should sleep," he said when she looked confused.

  "Then stay with me? I don't want to be alone right now."

  He had things to do but right now? None of it mattered. After pulling down the covers, he held her in his arms and waited for her to fall asleep.

  Abby awoke to the sun shining through her window. Yawning, she saw that Mark had left already, although the bed was still warm where he'd lain with her. Her heart filled.

  She found him outside with Delilah and her foal. The foal was already trotting around the enclosure, which made her smile for the first time today. Abby folded her arms on top of the fence and watched.

  Mark laughed when Delilah nudged his shoulder, and he turned to rub her nose. The foal decided she didn't like to be ignored and tried to nip his jacket. Before Mark could react, the foal dodged away, playing like a child.

  Abby entered the enclosure and said, "I figured out a name for her."

  "Really?" Mark leaned against the fence and watched the horses. Rosemary grazed on a remaining patch of green grass, while Samson cantered around, snorting when the foal got too close.

  "I thought you should name her Mirielle." At his raised eyebrow, she explained, "It means 'miracle.'"

  "Ah. Mirielle." His lips quirked upward. "I like it. It suits her. Although I'm not sure she's so much a miracle as lucky that you were there in the first place."

  Mirielle nudged her mother, stopping to nurse. Delilah's tail swished back and forth, not at all aware of how close her baby had come to death's door.

  "I called Caleb while you slept," Mark said quietly, still watching the horses. "He said that you definitely have a case to get a restraining order and that he'll help you in any way he can."

  Her mood dampened at the mention of Derek. She sighed and rubbed her temples. "He wasn't this bad when we were dating. I don't know what's happened to him."

  "Some men react badly to rejection." As he turned his gaze toward her, he said, "I know I'd feel the same, if you told me we were over."

  Her heart clenched. "Mark..."

  "I know. I mean, we were never real to begin with." He dragged his fingers through his hair, disheveling the locks. "But do you think we could try? To have something real? And not just an affair, like you called it. Something else." He looked uncomfortable then, and he hooked his fingers in his back pockets, no longer looking her in the eye.

  But now she smiled so widely that her cheeks hurt. This impossible, gruff, ridiculous man would be the end of her, but in the best possible way.

  "Yes, I would like that. Very much."

  She felt the words bubbling up inside, the big L word wanting to break through the surface, but she couldn't find the courage to say it. Not yet.

  Although Mark was not as closed-off as he had been even a few weeks ago, she still sensed a distance in him. She didn't know if she could ever overcome the walls he'd placed around his heart.

  How could you convince a man who thought love only hurt you that your love was different?

  He smiled then, and his handsomeness took her breath away. He kissed her, so sweetly that she was afraid she'd burst into tears. She didn't know if she were happier that he'd asked her to make this more than an affair, or if she were more afraid that this was as far as they'd ever get.

  16

  After a long day at the local courthouse to obtain a restraining order, Abby left with a
temporary order in hand. Her heart felt a little lighter, although both she and Mark knew that a restraining order was just a piece of paper. It helped, but it wasn't going to stop Derek if he wanted to hurt Abby, unfortunately.

  Caleb had told them he would do everything in his power as a police officer to assist her. Based on the evidence provided and with Caleb's help, the judge had agreed to issue an immediate restraining order. The court would notify Derek, and another hearing would be held at a later date.

  Abby was quiet as she walked with Mark back to his truck. This hadn't been what she'd imagined doing on her day off. She got spooked by random noises, afraid that it was Derek returning to finish what he'd started.

  Sometimes she had a hard time believing he would hurt her—at least physically. Hurt her with words? Absolutely. But he'd never threatened her like this when they'd been dating.

  "Let's go get something to eat," Mark said. "I'll pay."

  She wasn't hungry, but she shrugged and followed him to a diner a block away from the courthouse. A greasy spoon, it smelled like burgers and cheese, and for some reason, Abby found it comforting.

  Mark ordered a burger and fries. Abby stared at the menu, the words like a foreign language. She should order something. She hadn't eaten since last night.

  "I'll have a milkshake," she said finally.

  "That's all?" Mark asked her as the waitress walked away.

  "I'm not hungry."

  He gave her a concerned look. She felt oddly embarrassed, for some reason. She knew it was a strange emotion to associate with this situation. Her vulnerability embarrassed her, she realized. That she'd had to take legal action against a man she'd once believed she'd loved—a man she'd thought had loved her!

  How had she been so blind to miss the warning signs? She'd seen enough domestic violence cases as a nurse that she'd always assumed she'd know better. It reminded her that anyone could become a victim of something like domestic violence—even somebody like her.

  Their food arrived soon after, and Abby sipped at her milkshake, lost in thought. Mark was silent. Abby was too exhausted to care how awkward this lunch date had become.

  "Abby," Mark said.

  She looked up from her milkshake.

  "Are you okay? You're never this quiet."

  That made her smile a little. "I'm just really tired. I want this to all be over."

  "I know. But I'll keep you safe—you have my promise."

  That made her want to cry. She could only nod, drinking the rest of her milkshake even though it had become like a lead weight in her stomach.

  Later outside, Abby almost ran into Mark's back as he stopped in his tracks. She moved around him to see what he was looking at.

  Or more accurately, who he was looking at.

  It was a couple: a pretty—and very pregnant woman—and her husband had come out of a store across the street. They seemed innocuous enough, although the woman's dress was a very flamboyant shade of pink that made her look like a gum ball.

  "Mark?" Abby touched his arm. "Mark? Now you're freaking me out."

  He glanced down at her. "What? Sorry. It's nothing."

  He guided her back toward his truck, and he began to walk so quickly that Abby almost had to run to keep up.

  "Mark!" A voice called out.

  Abby turned to see the couple approaching them, and Abby saw that the woman was beautiful, almost in an ethereal kind of way. But it wasn't just that she was beautiful: she was the woman from the photograph. The recognition hit Abby square in the chest.

  This was Tina, Mark's ex. The ex who'd cheated on him and broken his heart.

  Her breath whooshed from her chest. Was this man the one she'd slept with while dating Mark? Abby had to restrain her own surge of anger at the thought.

  What kind of person betrayed someone she claimed to love? How could she do that to Mark, a man whose heart was worth more than this woman could imagine?

  "I'm so glad we ran into you again," Tina said. Her gaze flicked toward Abby. "I don't believe we've met...?"

  Mark scowled, not replying.

  "I'm Abby Davison." Abby reached out a hand, although she struggled with how she should introduce herself. As a friend? Girlfriend? Her head hurt.

  "She's my girlfriend," Mark interjected, answering the question for her. "This is Tina and her husband Aaron. We used to be friends."

  Tina flinched, although her expression was sad. Guilty. Abby wanted to crawl into a hole out of secondhand embarrassment.

  Tina and Aaron looked both upset and contrite, while Mark looked angry. And Abby didn't want to see any of this because it was none of her business, because at the end of the day, who was she to Mark? He sort-of girlfriend? The woman he'd made a deal with weeks ago?

  "I'm going back to the truck," she said, but Mark kept hold of her hand.

  "No, I want you to meet these two." He gestured at them both. "Did I tell you the entire story? No? It's actually pretty funny."

  Abby tried to leave, but Mark held firm. She had a feeling he'd forgotten all about her.

  "Tina was my girlfriend, and Aaron here, he was my best friend." Mark smiled grimly.

  Glancing at Tina and Aaron, who looked stricken, she wished she was anywhere else but here right now.

  "I thought I'd fallen in love with Tina. I even bought her a ring."

  Tina covered her mouth in surprise.

  "I never told you that, did I?" His expression turned into a sneer, and it sent a frisson of fear through Abby's heart. "I had the ring in my pocket when I came back to our house and found her and Aaron screwing like rabbits. In my bed."

  Abby winced. There it was, then. Abby had guessed correctly, and she hated that she'd been right. Her heart ached for Mark, and her heart even ached for the pair standing in front of them, standing frozen and horrified.

  "I threw Aaron out of my house and beat the shit out of him, and then I told Tina to get out. I tossed the ring into the nearest lake. And now look at them. Married, going to have a baby, like nothing ever happened."

  "Mark..." Abby dug her nails into his arm. "Let's go. This isn't going to help anything."

  "If you're going to blame anyone, blame me," Aaron said. His voice was hoarse. "I loved Tina since that first day I met her. I tried to stay away from her, but it just...happened."

  Mark laughed, but nobody else did. "So someone else took off your pants and had sex with my girlfriend in my bed?"

  "Mark, please." Tina's bottom lip trembled. "I'm sorry. We both are. We can't ever begin to make up for what we did."

  When Tina instinctively covered her pregnant belly with her hand, Abby saw Mark visibly deflate. Right then, he looked tired and almost dead inside.

  He muttered, "You can't make up for what you did. It's not something you can forgive someone for."

  And in the next moment, Mark stalked away, leaving Abby behind.

  She wanted to say something to the pair, but at the same time, wasn't Mark's anger valid? They'd almost destroyed him, and she could only imagine the pain of seeing these two married and expecting a child, while he'd been left behind. Forgotten.

  "How could you do that to him?" she whispered, surprised she'd said the words to these strangers. "How could you?"

  "It wasn't—it just happened." Tina's voice was pleading. "We didn't plan on it happening."

  "Does it matter? Just because you didn't plan on stepping on my foot doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me." Abby shook her head. "If you're looking for absolution from the man you wronged, it's not going to happen. Either accept what you did or don't."

  Abby saw Aaron wrap his arm around Tina before she turned to follow Mark.

  Abby rested her hand on Mark's back before he got into his truck. She felt his heart thumping, felt the rise and fall of his trembling breaths. Felt how hot his body was through the fabric of his shirt. And she felt his pain like it was her own.

  "We should go," he muttered, but he didn't move.

  Abby leaned against him, resting her cheek
on his back. She couldn't find any words, because what words would make this right? There were none.

  Mark swore under his breath, long and low, before turning around and wrapping his arms around her. He hugged her so hard that she almost couldn't breathe, but she didn't break the embrace. He shook in her arms. Her heart broke a million times over.

  "I'm sorry," she whispered. She heard people walking past, heard voices, but it didn't matter. She didn't care if everyone stared at them.

  "It's not your fault."

  "Doesn't mean the sentiment isn't still meant."

  He let out a breath and finally, he let her go. He didn't say another word as he got into his truck. Abby went to the other side and got in, but he didn't turn on the engine. Gripping the steering wheel, he gazed at something in the distance, unseeing, unhearing.

  "Do you know what the worst part is?" he said hoarsely. He still didn't look at her, but his hands clenched on the steering wheel. "The worst is that they've moved on and I haven't."

  Abby swallowed her tears. She was tired and heartsick and she wished she had some way to heal Mark's hurt, but she was at a loss.

  "They moved on, got married, and are having a baby like nothing happened. Where's the justice in that?" His voice rose, his fingers white from gripping the steering wheel. "How do they get to live their lives as if they did nothing wrong? And here I am, doing what?" He scoffed, disgust lacing his tone. "Living like some monk on a ranch, proving that she made the right choice in dumping me for Aaron."

  She hated hearing this from him. Part of her wanted to hug him again, while the other part wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled.

  "They may have moved on in a way, but if you'd really seen their faces..." She smiled grimly. "To say this haunts them would be an understatement."

  "Good. I hope it makes their lives hell." And then in another breath, he leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, took a deep breath, and then looked over at Abby with sad eyes.

  "I'm sorry you had to see that. Or hear me complaining." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Jesus, I sound so pathetic. You shouldn't have to hear me whine about shit like this. I need to get it fucking together."