If I Can't Have You

by Iris Morland

  "I want to hear it." Her heart pounded as the words rose in her throat, but this time, they weren't out of fear. They were out of a need for honesty.

  "I want to hear it because I love you. I love you, Mark. All of you—even the pathetic parts."

  He stared at her, completely stunned. He turned as white as a sheet, his mouth opening and closing. Words seemed out of reach for him for a moment.

  As time stretched until it was so tense that Abby almost trembled, she forced herself to wait. Even if her courage was crumbling with every passing second.

  Then: "Jesus, Abby, you can't."

  Her chin wobbled. "I can't love you? Why? Is it such an impossible thing?"

  "I don't deserve that. Not from you."

  Her anger flared. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare put me on some kind of pedestal like a saint. I'm not."

  "If you're not a saint, then what does that make me?" He laughed, that same laugh that had sent chills down Abby's spine. "I can't believe this."

  "What's so hard to believe? Do you think I'm lying?" Her anger rose along with her voice. "Am I so unlovable?"

  That got his attention. "No—no. Jesus Christ. No. You are—" He swallowed, licked his lips. "You're everything," he whispered. "You have to know that, Abby."

  Now the tears wouldn't stop. "Then why?"

  "Because love isn't for me. Love is something that hurts you in the end. I stopped believing in it a long time ago." He looked off into the distance again. "I'm not the guy who can give you that. I'm sorry."

  Now it was her turn to laugh. It startled Mark enough that he gaped at her.

  "You're sorry? I don't want your pity, Mark Thornton." She pointed a finger at him. "You're only saying this because you've kept yourself away from people ever since Tina hurt you. I don't know how anyone could get over the walls around your heart. You want to talk about being sorry for someone? I feel sorry for you. You'd rather stay in your castle, alone forever, then take a step outside and risk getting hurt when there could be something life-changing on the other side."

  His expression was stark. They stared at each other in silence, as if they could bend the other by sheer force of will.

  "I love you, Mark Thornton," Abby murmured, "but I refuse to have my heart broken by you out of fear."

  He inhaled. "What does that mean?"

  "It means we're over. I'm going home, where I belong." She wiped her eyes and stiffened her spine. "Although I'll need to get my things. And my cats. So we better head out."

  “Who will keep you safe? I’m not going to let you go home and be alone right now.”

  She knew he was right: she should stay at the ranch. It was safer. The restraining order felt heavy in her pocket.

  “I’ll risk it.” She curled her hands into fists, feeling the bite of her nails in her palms. “Because in all honesty, being near you right now hurts worse than anything Derek could do to me.”

  He didn't say anything. Instead, Abby could feel the walls going up, and she knew she couldn't climb over them. Not unless he took a bulldozer to them himself.

  Two hours later she arrived home, Darcy and Wentworth meowing pitifully from their carrier. It was only until she collapsed onto her bed that she let herself cry.

  She cried so hard that the cats came to snuggle against her, her tears only drying up when she fell into an exhausted sleep.

  17

  "We'll be fine. Seriously." Abby tried not to sound exasperated, but she couldn't stand it when people hovered.

  "You're sure?" Megan pressed.

  Caleb stood behind Megan. After Abby had arrived at her apartment, she hadn't been home longer than a few hours when Megan had come knocking. "Mark called us," she'd explained. "He wanted you to stay with me and Caleb for now just to be safe."

  Although the last thing Abby had wanted was to be around other people—and especially Mark's brother—she'd agreed because it was a wise thing to do. Megan had assured her that she'd come by to see to the cats while Abby was at work.

  Now, though, Caleb and Megan were about to skip out on their date because of her.

  "My mom will be here, and you're just a phone call away," Abby assured them. She started to push them out the door.

  This made Megan laugh. "Fine! Fine! We'll leave you alone."

  "I'll have my radio with me," Caleb said. "And you have Gonzalez's number, right?"

  Officer Gonzalez was Caleb's boss at the police station. Abby sighed. "Yes, I have his number. Now, go before I kick you out. Literally."

  Abby shut the door with another sigh.

  It had been a week since she'd last seen Mark. A week since she'd talked to him, or kissed him, or had told him that she loved him.

  She'd already cried more than enough times. She'd cried until her head had ached, and she'd been a red, stuffy mess. Megan had made Abby take a hot bath when she'd arrived before Megan had tucked her into bed like a child.

  Megan knew better than most how these Thornton men could break your heart. "They're kind of too good at it," she'd admitted. "Caleb just about broke me, the idiot. My only consolation was that I think he fell apart even more than I did."

  There was some small consolation in Mark suffering, Abby had to admit. But then the thought of him hurting made her hurt, and she cursed him for the millionth time for being so cowardly and stubborn.

  Fiona arrived some fifteen minutes later. She hadn't been able to get off work until now, although Abby had told her some of what had happened already. She gave Abby a huge hug, which only made Abby want to cry again.

  Apparently she wasn't out of tears like she'd thought.

  "Come on. We're going to eat takeout and you're going to tell your mom everything," Fiona said in a brisk voice as she hustled Abby inside.

  Abby told her the entire story, starting with the initial lie that she'd told Fiona two months ago. Although Fiona looked like she wanted to interject, she kept her mouth shut as the words spilled out.

  Abby told her about moving to Mark's ranch, how he'd told her she could leave whenever she wanted soon thereafter. About how he'd accepted her, infertility and all. Then the foal, Derek, everything. When she finally stopped talking, both she and Fiona were crying.

  "Abby, this is all my fault," her mom said through her tears. She grabbed a tissue, dabbing at her eyes. "I should never have tried to interfere like I did. I just want you to be happy. I know how broken-hearted you were after you broke up with Derek."

  "Don't blame yourself. Don't. I should never have lied. I should never have agreed to Mark's terms." Abby shook her head. "I think, even though I was angry that he tried to blackmail me, I was intrigued by him enough to want to say yes. How screwed up is that?"

  "As screwed up as a mother forcing her daughter into this situation to begin with?" Fiona sniffled and blew her nose.

  "This is definitely not your fault. Derek would've tried something regardless." Abby leaned her head against the back of the couch. "What am I going to do?" she whispered. "I still love Mark, even if I want to strangle him."

  Fiona considered. A still-handsome woman in her late fifties, she had been Abby's mother as well as her confidante. Although Abby hadn't liked Fiona setting her up on terrible blind dates, she'd understood the impulse behind them.

  Fiona had been alone ever since Abby's father had died when Abby had been small; she'd never wanted to remarry. But Abby sometimes wondered if she hadn't remarried because she'd been too dedicated to raising Abby.

  Fiona knew all too well what it was like to be alone, and Abby knew she'd been trying to help, in her own way.

  "Do you believe he loves you?" Fiona asked.

  Abby chewed on her lip. "I don't know. He's so closed-off. I don't know how I can reach him, you know? He has these walls around himself."

  "True, but do you know what I think?"

  "What?"

  "A man who didn't love you wouldn't have cared about your safety after you left. He wouldn't have called his older brother and told him to watch over
you when he couldn't." Fiona leaned forward and took Abby's hand, squeezing it. "A man who didn't love you wouldn't have let you name his beloved new foal, and he wouldn't have told you his darkest secrets."

  "Then why did he say those things to me? Why tell me that I shouldn't love him?"

  "You already said it yourself: he's afraid. He had his heart broken once. And I can tell you right now, the thought of you breaking his heart? It's so terrifying that he'd rather push you away."

  Abby drank in her mother's words, like a balm to her soul. She wanted to believe it all; she wanted to believe that Mark loved her, despite everything.

  But she couldn't force a man to love her, could she?

  After they ate their takeout, Abby leaned her head on Fiona's shoulder, her eyelids heavy. Fiona stroked her hair like she used to do when Abby was little.

  "Tell me it'll be all right," Abby murmured.

  Fiona kissed the top of her head. "It'll be all right, sweetheart."

  Mark watched Delilah and Mirielle canter about the enclosure. Although he loved to see the foal flourish with every passing day, it wasn't enough to heal the remnants of his tattered heart.

  Without Abby, life was meaningless. Food tasted like ash; the sun was dimmer, the world lacking in color. If he were a writer, he'd be writing page after page of maudlin, syrupy poetry about Abby's eyes. Her hair. Her laugh.

  Her love.

  He didn't deserve her love, but he ached for it. He wanted it more than he'd wanted anything else on this earth.

  And with that realization came the even more obvious one: he loved her.

  He loved her so much he couldn't draw breath for wanting her back at his side.

  But he knew it was over. He'd let her go, because she should live a life without him holding her back. He was damaged goods—everyone knew that. Abby had seen it for herself that day when they'd run into Tina and Aaron.

  "You have visitors," Charlie said as he stopped by the fence to watch the horses.

  It took Mark a second to register Charlie's words. "Who?"

  "It's us, your favorite brothers," Caleb announced. He and Harrison approached, nodding at Charlie.

  "Oh, it's you guys." Mark looked away, but not before adding, "Charlie, these are my brothers. Have you met them? They weren't invited, by the way."

  "Nice to meet you, Charlie. I'm glad Mark is back to his old hospitable self," Harrison said as he shook Charlie's hand.

  "How do you work with this guy?" Caleb shook his head as he took Charlie's hand in a friendly clasp.

  "Beats me. I just keep my mouth shut." Charlie shrugged as he returned to the barn.

  Mark didn't know why his brothers were here. Actually, that was a lie. They were probably here to lecture him about something, and he wasn't in the mood for their bullshit.

  "Is that your new foal?" Caleb asked. "What's her name again?"

  "Mirielle." The name reminded him of Abby, which made his heart hurt.

  "She's beautiful. I can see why you're so attached to them," Harrison said.

  Mark wanted to tell them about how Abby had saved both Delilah and Mirielle, but the words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't talk about Abby because it hurt too damn much.

  "So you're probably wondering why we're here," Caleb ventured as he leaned his forearms on the fence.

  Mirielle shook her head right then, kicking up dust as she tried to chase her mother. Rosemary made sure to get out of the way, while Samson decided he'd try to race the foal.

  "I think I can guess," Mark replied.

  After he'd dropped Abby off at her house, he'd called Caleb right away. Mark hadn't explained everything that had happened, but he'd gotten Caleb to agree to let Abby stay with him and Megan. Caleb had told Mark he'd get the whole story out of him one way or another.

  "I know you won't ask, but Abby's doing okay. Not great, though. She's sad, and she won't even talk to Megan." Caleb raised a dark eyebrow. "And now Megan is annoyed with me because I'm related to you. So, I blame you twice over for me not getting any last night."

  Mark rubbed at his chest. "Abby and I are over. There's nothing else to talk about."

  At that, Harrison snorted. Crossing his arms, he said, "You look about as over her as I did when Sara told me things were over between us. Guess what? She was wrong, and I decided that nothing was going to stop me from getting her back."

  "So that's it, then? You decide it's over and you're going to let her go?" Caleb rolled his eyes. "Dude, she's in love with you, and unless I'm missing the obvious, you're in love with her, too. What's holding you back?"

  Mark had never told his brothers what had happened with Tina. All they knew was that they'd broken up after dating for a few years.

  But right then, the burden felt so heavy that he couldn't carry it all inside anymore.

  In a halting voice laced with anger and humiliation, he recounted the story, hoping this would be the last time he had to tell it.

  His brothers were silent. Mark didn't know how they'd react. With pity? Disgust? Judgment that Mark was still angry about it?

  Then, Harrison said: "I'm sorry that happened. Really."

  "But if you let Abby go because those two assholes screwed you over, then you know what you're doing?" Caleb gave him a pointed look. "You're letting them win. And God knows you don't want that to be true."

  Mark's voice was rough as he said, "It's not that simple."

  "What's not that simple? Telling Abby that you love her, that you're sorry for being an idiot, and that you want her back," Harrison said. "You might need to grovel—"

  "—Majorly grovel," Caleb interjected.

  "But if she really loves you, then at least you have a chance." His voice lower, Harrison said, "Don't close yourself off forever, Mark. That's no way to live life."

  "Even though Harrison says a lot of bullshit, he's right." Caleb smiled. "Being stuck in the past so much that it destroys your future is no way to live."

  Harrison thumped Mark on the shoulder. "You're worthy of way more than you think."

  Mark glanced at his eldest brother, surprised, and he saw Harrison look away in embarrassment. Mark's mouth twisted in a semblance of a smile.

  The three brothers watched the horses in silence for some time, no longer needing to say anything. After a time, Charlie returned to lead the horses back into the barn for their evening feeding.

  To his surprise, Mark felt a sense of peace for the first time.

  Even though he didn't want to admit it, his brothers were right. If he stayed where he was, he'd let what Tina and Aaron did control his life. And in the process, he'd lose Abby—the woman he loved more than life itself.

  Caleb cleared his throat. "I feel like I need to do something really manly now. Like chop wood. Throw logs into a lake. Wear flannel. You know, manly things."

  "Why the hell would you throw logs into a lake?" Harrison countered. "That's a total waste of chopped wood."

  "It was just an example! Screw you guys, I'm going to go do something so manly I'll grow an entire pelt of chest hair in the process."

  But Caleb laughed, and Mark told him he'd chop off his hand if he tried to chop wood. This meant Harrison, Caleb and Mark had to decide how to do a wood-chopping battle to prove who was, in fact, the manliest.

  Their banter was cut short when the acrid scent of smoke filled the air.

  "Is there a bonfire somewhere?" Caleb asked, looking around. "Or someone burning leaves?"

  Mark froze. This wasn't the scent of burning leaves or of a bonfire.

  His turned to see smoke and flames rising from the barn, where both Charlie and the horses were now trapped inside.

  18

  After finishing her shift for the day, Abby had stopped by her place to feed Darcy and Wentworth before driving to Mark's. Her heart-to-heart with Fiona had shown her that she couldn't let Mark run from her.

  If he truly loved her—which she hoped and prayed was true—then why should things end like this?

  H
er phone rang as she drove, and she didn't even look at the caller ID when she answered. "Hello?"

  "Abby?"

  Her breath caught when she heard the voice—not Mark, like she'd hoped.

  It was Derek.

  She was about to disconnect the call when Derek said, "If you hang up, your boyfriend is going to pay for it."

  She gritted her teeth. "You have a lot of nerve to call me when you know I have a restraining order against you. What the hell do you want?"

  "I don't want anything. I mean, I do, but I wanted you to know that I'm here." He let out a nervous laugh, and Abby heard some kind rustling.

  "What are you doing, Derek?" she said very slowly. "Is this worth getting yourself arrested? Put in jail for the rest of your life?"

  "It doesn't matter anymore. You told me you didn't want me, so I'm going to destroy what you wanted." His tone was almost bland, like he were talking about going to the grocery store.

  It only made Abby more terrified.

  "But if you do come back to me," he added, "I won't burn this ranch to the ground."

  "No, Derek, you wouldn't. Don't." Abby struggled to find the words to convince him to stop whatever he'd planned. Pushing on the gas, she drove as fast as she could, hoping she could keep Derek on the phone long enough to arrive in time.

  How did you convince a madman to do something sane, though?

  "I know I wasn't good enough to you. I should've made you stay. I should never have told you weren't woman enough because that just made you mad." Derek sounded almost mournful. "I know you hate me now, but if I could prove to you that I love you more than anything... Doesn't that mean anything, Abby? Doesn't my love count for something?"

  She took a deep breath, forced herself to stay calm. Inwardly, she was shaking, and she didn't know how she managed to speak and continue to drive. Her nurse's brain reasoned that she was probably in shock.

  "Sometimes things don't work out how we'd like them to," she said, almost gently. "Sometimes one person loves somebody who doesn't love them back. Sometimes love doesn't last. It's just life."