The Fiancé (It's Just Us Here Book 6)

by Christopher X Sullivan

  I couldn’t understand how two people who were supposed to be together could just fall apart in the blink of an eye. I didn’t understand how a guy who spent months telling me that he belonged to me and I belonged to him... how could he give that up?

  “I’m so sorry,” Mark said again. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  No! You fucking idiot! NEVER!

  I stopped myself from walking over to his strong arms and sinking into his chest. It was very hard. My body was betraying me, wanting something that my mind was screaming was a bad idea—a horrible idea. I had thought of this moment so many times. I had planned on screaming at him. Punching him. Stabbing him with whatever was on hand—probably a fingernail which I would have chewed into keratin blades.

  “I want to yell at you. And punch you.” I blinked because my eyes felt like they had sand in them. “And cut off your fucking balls.”

  “You can punch me.” Mark stood. “Where at? Go for the jewels. You can have them—” he held out his arms. “They're all yours, if you want ‘em.”

  “I don’t want them!” Damn you! I’m not gay! I don’t want your cock or your balls or any of that shit. Or your body... but maybe I did like snuggling and your arms are so big and they felt so nice when the weather got cold.

  “Leave me alone,” I said. I turned my head.

  “What do you need?” Mark asked. “Come on, bae—” He stopped himself from calling me his ‘babe’. I had always complained about that word, but as time went by, it had turned into a token argument.

  “What?”

  “Come on.... What do you need? That’s what you asked me. Remember?”

  Of course I remembered. How could you forget something like that? I had written about that moment. I had revisited that moment over the past eight months and wondered why I didn’t play it differently—why didn’t I scare him away from the start? I sure did try, but it wasn’t enough. Mark can be tenacious.

  “I need...” I caught my breath. A friend. That’s what you want me to say. I need you. I need Mark. I need my Cuddle Bear and my bugiardo and my best friend. That’s what Mark wants me to say. He wants to see me break down in tears and be needy. He always liked it when I was needy. “I need a marketing and advertising partner for my health application dev team.”

  That would stump him. That’s what I literally needed. I couldn’t clone myself and I couldn’t learn the stuff quickly enough. I needed another person, somebody who was good at marketing and good at selling stuff.

  “How much is in your budget?” Mark asked. “Maybe my firm could work with you.”

  “What do you mean, your firm?” I shot back. He didn’t own a company.

  “I work for an ad and brand management consultant.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since two months ago when I graduated.”

  “You graduated?” I didn’t like how he was in control of the flow of information. How hadn’t I known he graduated?

  “Somebody used to nag about how I could get my degree if I focused for a semester. I made sure I could take the two weeks off for Men’s Fashion Week and—”

  “I thought that was in July?”

  “The summer shows are in February,” he said like a professor talking to a particularly dull student. “Fall/Winter runways are in June, July. Everyone knows that.”

  “Oh.” I fidgeted. “Well, good for you.”

  “So what do you say? Do you need my help? Or are we just going to yell at each other?”

  I lowered my eyes and my anger plummeted. I don’t know! I don’t know what to do! How do I get out of this! Come on, Chris. Think. How do you want this to end? How do you get out of this? Do you even want to get out of this? How bad of an idea is this?

  I took my first step to him, then rushed to close the space between us. I collapsed against his chest and took in deep, sobbing breaths. “This isn’t right,” I whined. “I shouldn’t be here. I should be punching you.”

  “We can start with a hug. You always did like your hugs.”

  I stopped a sob from leaving my throat and coughed on it until my eyes watered. I breathed him in. He was sweaty and he smelled like his dumb cologne. He was rubbing my back... like how he always used to soothe me. I let him do it, and then felt sorry for myself. Why was I so weak! Push him away! Get it over with!

  “So, are we back together?” Mark asked. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” I moaned. “I don’t think we can ever be a couple again. Everybody hates you.”

  “I know. You took all my friends. I told you they loved you more than me.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, swatting his chest and then gripping his shirt. “I’m sure they still like you. I know Ryan does. He said so last Friday.”

  “Ah, so my dinner surprise worked after all,” Mark said proudly.

  I wiped my face. “What do you mean?”

  “Mel told me about how Suhail was moving in. Which meant you were going to be thinking of me. So I went to Ryan, unannounced. Not like I could go to Stacy.”

  “She hates you. She used to help me get to sleep by saying mean things about you.”

  “Stacy’s a bitch. She broke my fucking nose.”

  “What?”

  “She didn’t tell you that? She poisoned Tim against me and got him worked up and made Tim punch me in the nose.”

  “So Tim broke your nose?” I was confused.

  “Tim broke my nose. Stacy totaled my car.”

  “What!”

  “Yeah. I’d say they hate me.”

  “So you have a new car? I looked around the parking lot when I pulled in to make sure you weren’t here...” I scanned the parking lot again, just for a distraction.

  “I showed up at Tim’s house one day while your car was parked outside. Stacy opened the door and attacked me with a golf club. She tried to put a hole in my head, but luckily she just ripped the roof of my car and dented my door. They never told you?”

  Of course they didn’t tell me! That’s why I’m so surprised right now!

  “Did they tell you about my letters?”

  “They did on Friday. They weren’t really for me, were they? They were to soften Suhail or Tim so you could get to me.”

  “You’re too clever for your own good.” He ruffled my hair. “They were all for you. It started with my apologies, but later it switched to what was happening during the day. When I thought of you. When I did something I knew you wouldn’t like.”

  I pulled away from him, but his hands didn’t leave my body. “Like this! You shouldn’t be doing this! We shouldn’t be here together. This is wrong.” I swiped my hands vigorously like I was slashing a machete through his chest.

  “I will never leave you,” he pledged. He touched my chin and angled my head so I looked at his face. “I will never leave you. I did something to you I can never fix. I never should have said what I said, I didn’t mean most of the shit I said—”

  “You did mean it! You meant it all!” I spat the words at him and he flinched, but he didn’t deny the truth.

  “I’ve never stopped loving you—”

  “Too bad! That doesn’t mean shit! You left me in... in such a bad spot!” I was on the verge of crying uncontrollably.

  He grabbed me in one of his big bear hugs and let me cry. “I will never leave you ever again.”

  “That’s unrealistic. We’re completely different people. We’re always going to pull apart. It can’t work.”

  “It can work. If you take me back—”

  “If?” I asked with a needy whimper.

  “Well,” he whispered back. “Are we together already? You’re putting up a pretty big fight.”

  “I don’t know. But just pretend for a minute like we’re already back together. I don’t want to think about the other option right now.”

  He touched my face. I thought for a minute he was going to kiss me, but he simply wiped away my tears and stroked my cheek. “I think we’re meant to be together,�
�� he said. “You are my man. I will never leave you ever again.”

  “That’s too big of a promise! You can’t know what the future holds. What about ten years from now? Fifteen? Twenty?”

  “I think we’ll be fine. I’m suddenly seeing us together as old men, chatting the night away. I’d like that. I’d like to be with my best friend.”

  “We’re not best friends!” I gulped theatrically. “We can’t get back together. Everyone is going to hate me.”

  “They won’t hate you.”

  “Yes they will. I said I would never do this. I said... so many things. I hate you so much.” I cried again.

  Mark had been emotional, yet under control since I appeared in the pavilion. “I’ve changed,” he promised. “I won’t ever let you down. I won’t leave you.”

  “Oh shit, don’t start with the BS about how you ‘won’t ever let me down’. I’ve got news for you. There’s tons of times you let me down the first time we were together.”

  “The first time? Does that mean we get a second time?”

  “You shouldn’t tease me right now.” But yes. From the moment I walked in here to confront you, I knew what my choice was. I knew what I wanted and I knew what you wanted. Why else would you be here?

  “I have changed,” Mark whispered into my ear again. “I have. I swear.”

  “Nobody changes like that,” I wailed. “You don’t—”

  “I’ve started going to church... every Sunday.”

  “WHAT?”

  “Don’t act so surprised.”

  My eyes must have bugged out of my head. Him going to church was like... “I would go to church before you ever would,” I said.

  “I was supposed to see a therapist, but I didn’t want to do that shit.”

  “Me either,” I agreed.

  Mark smiled at me and we shared a moment. We had both always hated that stuff. “I heard about... about the drugs and the Vicodin and stuff.” He changed topics so quickly it left me breathless.

  The world rushed in on me. Shame! Run away! He doesn’t get to know about that! Nobody should know about that! Mark is the reason that happened! If it weren’t for Mark, I wouldn’t have gone there, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be...

  I was crying against his neck. “I will always be there for you,” he murmured. “Maybe I will hurt you. Maybe I will leave you again. But I will always be there for you. My heart will always be with you. I never wanted you to go through something like that. You could have come to me... I would have taken away everything. I would have stopped the pain.”

  “You couldn’t have,” I wailed. “You couldn’t have.”

  “I would have been there for you. I would have stood by your side and gotten you through the pain. I never want to see you in pain. It kills me that I did this to you. It wrecked me.”

  “Wrecked you? WRECKED YOU! You fucking fucker.” I slapped him and punched him, but it wasn’t to maim. “You left me!” I screeched. “You left me, and now here you are, you want it all back again. Well! I can’t give it! I don’t have it to give anymore!”

  “You don’t have to give me anything. I never gave up on you. I’ve been seeing Father Dunworthy. We’ve talked things out. I feel—”

  “I really can’t see you in a church,” I said, the confusion breaking me out of my anger.

  He smiled again, briefly. “I was in denial for a long time. The faith has been good to me. It was a huge part of my childhood and it really hurt when it was denied to me. I was a fucking choir boy, if you can believe it. At one point, I thought I was going to be a priest—I mean, I didn’t like girls.” Mark chuckled.

  “I can’t see you as a priest.”

  “Yeah, then I discovered sex and that went out the window.”

  “How do you—Does your pastor know you’re gay?”

  “I’m going to an Episcopal church. Anglican. It’s nice. They have a lot of the same rituals and things, but they don’t judge you like my church always did. Hell, I think Father Dunworthy would even marry us, if I asked him strongly enough.”

  “Oh my God, Mark!”

  “Do not say the Lord’s name in vain,” he chastised with a proud smirk.

  “What the fuck! You always push a little more than you should. We’re not even back together and you’re already talking about marriage... and you know my thoughts on that.”

  He laughed. “Oh, I missed you,” he said with great feeling. “I missed this. I missed us.”

  I hugged him. For the first time since I entered the pavilion, I felt like I was on equal footing with him. “I missed you, too. More than I can ever explain.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I should have gone after you. I knew you didn’t want to say those things, I knew you were lashing out. I shouldn’t have—”

  “I never should have even thought those words. I don’t know where they came from. You surprised me, you little fucker. Of all the things to shock a person... seeing the way you wrote those stories... I mean, fuck. You were always so reserved... but then your porn was like... crazy. You are one crazy fucker.”

  “I’m messed up,” I agreed.

  “No,” Mark said quickly. “You aren’t. You wouldn’t be you without all this other stuff. And I knew... deep down I knew. You loved to role-play. That’s what turned you on more than anything. In the end, after I calmed down... that’s what it was, I guess.”

  “I’ve always needed stories like that. Even when I was a kid. I couldn’t just touch my cock and make it cum. I couldn’t look at hot girls or hot guys and... it just didn’t work like that.”

  “So you made up stories with hot, dumb guys?”

  “Uh...” I coughed. “Not exactly.”

  “What does that tone mean?”

  “You’re going to think I’m weird.”

  “We’re way past that making a difference.”

  I smiled at him and looked down. We were still standing. I would have sat down, but didn’t want to lose touch with him. I needed to feel that he was really there.

  “I used to write femdom erotica. Usually with the woman hypnotizing or seducing a younger man and making him dumb and horny.”

  Mark howled with laughter.

  “It’s not funny!”

  “No. It’s not. But just the way you said it. It’s like... fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be apologizing to you on repeat. I should be groveling at your feet. Do you want me to be a dumb himbo and beg my master to take me back? To pleasure my master?”

  I punched him in the arm, hard. “You always say the exact wrong thing. You know that?”

  “Love you, too, babe.”

  My face melted again and I hugged him fiercely.

  “Aw, fuck. I’m sorry. I know you don’t like that word.”

  “I don’t care,” I said into his muscles. “I just... don’t care anymore. I just want to be with you.” I started hiccuping. “But I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Yes you can.”

  “I can’t. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

  “I will never leave you. Ever.”

  “You can’t make that promise. There’s no way that’s going to be true for the rest of our lives. You’re going to get mad at something. You are a fucking hothead. And I’m just as stubborn.”

  “I will always be there for you. You will never be alone. Ever again.”

  “I’m always alone. You go on your fucking trips around the world all the time.” I wiped my tears into his smelly shirt.

  “I won’t go on them anymore. I will sleep next to you every night. I’ll do anything you ask. I want to be with you, with my Cheese, my Mente, my crazy man.” He kissed the side of my head. “I love you so much. I will support you unconditionally, like you used to do for me.”

  “What if I can’t get back there?” I wailed. “What if I don’t love you like I used to?” What if I’m broken beyond repair?

  “I will always be there for you,” he promised agai
n.

  “You can’t say that!” I erupted with an explosion of anger. “I might never... I might not be able to love you again like we did before. I don’t know if I can get there. I never thought I would get there before I met you.”

  “You’ll get there,” he said confidently.

  “But you can’t know!”

  He frowned. “Maybe you’re right and I’ll screw up or you’ll push me away and we’ll grow apart.”

  I shivered against his body. Now he’s finally understanding. He’s finally being a realist.

  “That might happen. You might be right about everything. But there is one thing I can control, there is one thing I can promise that you cannot deny me.” He held me close and put his mouth by my ear. “I will always come back to you. You can push me away and we can fall apart. But I will always find my way back. I am yours, completely. And I have been since that day you showed up on campus and dueled my professor with your wit and magical powers.” He laughed in my ear and I tried to laugh, too, but I ended up sobbing. “Do you believe me? Do you believe that? I will always come back to you.”

  I nodded into his chest and sobbed like a fucking maniac. It was so embarrassing. I had no control over my body. We somehow made it to the table and sat with our backs resting against the top part of the table.

  He will always come back to me. That I can believe. That can be true. We’ll probably fight again, we’ll probably separate again, he’ll probably break me again. But as to him coming back...

  “Of course you’ll come back for me,” I said weakly. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.” My stomach flopped and I had to regain my breath. Mark laughed and said that was the truth. “Everyone agrees with me on that,” I stated.

  “You absolutely are the best thing in my life. I hurt you so bad.” He kissed me on the side of my head. “I was in a bad place... I felt like you had changed for me and I didn’t deserve it.”

  “I did change for you.” I changed everything for you.