Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  She holds me and I let her.

  “Your sister was put into a terrible position. You were put into a terrible position. It was outside of both of your control—but Damian is a grown man, Felicity. You’re his choice. He knows you’re worth it—just like you know he is worth it.”

  “Donna…I…” I want to disagree. I want to say he doesn’t know the choice he is making, but Damian has lived with me or practically lived with me all year. He’s seen the seizures, he’s seen the tiredness and the moodiness my pills cause. He knows.

  “It’s not going to be easy, love. But I can tell you that you’re worth it and that this is only one problem in the extensive list of things that come up in a relationship. There are times he will need you, times you’ll need him. You just have to let yourself need him every now and again.”

  “Thank you,” I say softly.

  “You’re welcome. Let’s get you inside and get you fed,” she says helping me to the house.

  “You all heard that?” I whisper.

  “We were in the den talking and yes—we heard you in the kitchen. I don’t want to embarrass you, Fee. We love you. I just figured you should know that your conversation wasn’t as private as you hoped.”

  “I’m mortified.”

  “Don’t be. Kelly should be embarrassed. She’s on the porch, she would like to apologize,” she says, and I nod.

  Donna nods and Kelly comes over.

  “Felicity, I am so sorry. Sometimes when I talk my mouth just…there isn’t an excuse. I hurt you and I am sorry.”

  “You didn’t say anything I didn’t already know,” I say softly.

  “I never meant to suggest that…” she starts but, irritated that she is lying, I interrupt her.

  “You did. You meant what you said, Kelly. You were worried about your nephew and that makes you a good aunt. I’m glad he has you—there’s no need to apologize,” I say, and I limp forward into the house.

  Damian is waiting for me in the entryway. He opens his arms out to me and I go to him.

  I should apologize to him, but I wouldn’t know where to start—so I go with both the simplest and the hardest choice I’ve got.

  “Dame? Would you help me get some food?”

  “I’d be happy too,” he says leading me to the kitchen.

  Locked Doors

  I roll over and when I hit something—a moving something—I start to scream, but a hand goes over my face.

  “Fee, it’s me,” Damian says laughing.

  I grab the nearest pillow and start hitting him with it.

  “You idiot!” I whisper in the dark. I look at the clock, it is two in the morning.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says putting his hands up.

  “Then you shouldn’t sneak in here like a psycho,” I say turning on the lamp on the side table.

  “I just got here, I was trying to wake you up. Relax,” he says sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “What do you want?”

  “I decided I am sleeping here tonight. I miss you, crabby,” he says.

  “And what happens when your mom or Gran see you coming out of my room?” I whisper.

  “We have gotten up before them all week.”

  “It’s risky,” I say, but I am scooting over.

  “It is,” he says getting into bed next to me.

  “But I can make it worth your while,” he says, and I feel the color rush from my face. We haven’t exactly had time to push any physical limits while we have been at his house the past two weeks. All of a sudden, I am nervous.

  “H...how ex-exactly?” I say nervously. The fact that this could be a late-night booty thing bothers me—but, I also realize how much I want him. I don’t want it to be sneaking around at his mother’s house—but for the first time my first instinct wasn’t to run or think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t sleep with him. Since the seizure and my talk with Donna I have felt better about Damian choosing to be with me. I realized how much I love him. I am not ready yet—but I am definitely closer to being there.

  “Nothing you wouldn’t want me to do, Fee.”

  “Dame…I’m not…” I am about to explain what I am thinking…but he interrupts.

  “May I kiss you senseless now?”

  “Uh-huh,” I say nodding my head—eager for him to kiss me.

  His lips meet mine before I can even blink. He isn’t hesitating tonight—instead he goes straight for the kill. For the first time since the morning I woke up and went to coffee with Mattie—he is using his weight to keep me from going anywhere as his lips take possession of mine. Every time I try to reciprocate, he slightly pulls away making it impossible for me to reach him as he moves to my neck before coming back to my lips.

  “You aren’t playing fair,” I huff.

  “Nope,” he says going back to my neck—making chills run down my spine. I fight the urge to move, but I shudder, and he chuckles and intensifies his kisses, going closer to my chest.

  That’s when I remember what shirt I am wearing. The lights are still on—so I move away, and he stops.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Just hot,” I say looking at him coyly. I take off my long sleeve shirt to reveal the same blue bralette I wore when I was, kind of, trying to tease him before our first date.

  “Now who’s not playing fair?” he says as his eyes widen.

  “Keep it relatively PG-13 tonight, Turner,” I say, and he chuckles and pulls me back closer to him.

  “TV-14?” he says.

  “Yea sure,” I say, and I start kissing his neck and he groans.

  “Fee, I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for. I came in here to just make out a little.”

  “Then let’s just make out a lot,” I shrug, kissing his ear. I am not normally this brave, but the lust definitely grew with limited physical contact. When he involuntarily shudders at my touch, I find myself very content with what we are doing.

  “Were you not just blushing at the thought of this ten minutes ago?” he says as I keep going.

  “If you wouldn’t have interrupted me, I would have said that I am not ready for sex—but I am ready for a little more. I’ll stop you and myself when I get uncomfortable,” I say stopping to look at him.

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes,” I say.

  “I am not sleeping with you tonight,” he says adamantly.

  “Good to know, kitten. Now I am here in a bra, do you mind going back to being a manwhore for like an hour?” I say going back to kissing him.

  He laughs way too hard.

  “Shhh…do you want to get caught?” I squeak.

  “Hell no,” he says gently pushing me away from his neck and going back to kissing my lips. He keeps pushing against me until I feel my back meet the sheets and we are back to where we started.

  Except one thing is missing.

  “You. Shirt. Off,” I say to his lips and he chuckles as he pauses and takes it off. I look at him and grin—I do enjoy him sans shirt.

  “You’re serious about this?” he says going back to trailing kisses down my neck and to my highly exposed chest. He lightly touches me through the bralette, and I shiver nervously.

  “Yes.”

  “You look scared.”

  “Damian—you’re not exactly making me feel wanted right now. Again—here. In a bed. Just a bra. Free reign minus oral or penetration.”

  He replies by going back to my lips. He takes my hands and laces them with his and puts both our arms above us as he goes back down to my neck, making it harder to move away as he moves lower and lower to my chest.

  “What are you planning on wearing tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Is right here going to be covered?” he says playfully kissing slightly above my breast.

  “I would hope so,” I chuckle. He moves slightly higher.

  “And here?”

  “Most likely?” I say confused and laughing.

  “And here?”
he says kissing below my color bone.

  “I think all I have left clean is t-shirts. Why?” I say and he grins devilish at me.

  “Because I am going to make sure you feel adequately wanted and I don’t want to accidentally embarrass you on our last full day here.”

  Hickeys. He is talking hickeys.

  “Accidentally?” I accuse.

  “Mostly,” he says and then he goes back to above my collar bone and goes right back to where he left off. He lowers himself on the bed, moving his hands from mine and putting one for balance and the other goes underneath the bralette—drawing circles to match his tongue—which is licking close to the edge of the other side. I try to stay silent, but I moan as pleasure starts to build.

  “You okay?” he says, and I nod.

  He lifts the bralette up and then looks at me before he starts to kiss and lick my entire breast—then moves to my nipple—gently sucking.

  “Dame,” I curse and moan as his other hand continues to match his movements. He keeps looking up at me—checking on me and the intensity matched with his movements makes me build even faster.

  I start to worry. Worry about reciprocation. Worry about how much less experience I have. But then…the voice in my head isn’t my own or Daniel’s. The voice in my head is Damian.

  “Fee…love isn’t tit for tat.”

  So, I stop worrying and focus on him. He takes a moment and looks up at me with a grin.

  “Don’t stop,” I say, panting.

  And he doesn’t.

  Lock and Key

  When I wake up and think about last night I am mortified. While we didn’t have sex, we were closer than we have ever been and—I came. From that?

  Damian is asleep next to me on the bed and I go to the bathroom and look at his handiwork. My chest is covered—I am glad I need to do laundry today and all I have left is a t-shirt.

  You look like a leper.

  I go back to bed—everyone in the house must still be asleep; the sun is still low, and the house looks a dull blue-grey.

  Damian is awake when I go back in and lay down.

  “Is the coast clear?” he asks playing with my hair. I feel my cheeks redden.

  “Mhm,” I manage to get out.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  I think about it, now that he has asked and honestly…I am happy. I definitely enjoyed myself—but did he? Did I do anything stupid?

  “Your cheeks are getting redder by the minute, so you can answer anytime,” he says.

  “Dame?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can I have the best friend version of you. Not the boyfriend version of you for one second?” I say and he laughs.

  He moves away from me and I pout.

  “Getting into character,” he says—sitting down at the end of the bed.

  “What’s up, Fee. What did you do last night?”

  “Made out with this amazing guy,” I say.

  “Was he hot?”

  “Oh yea,” I say laughing.

  “Then what’s the problem?” he says, and I can’t help but laugh. He is acting shallow on purpose.

  “Well…” I start.

  “Did he take it too far?” he asks, stopping his acting.

  “No, he was the perfect gentleman if you exclude the copious hickeys.”

  “He gave you hickeys? Let me see,” he says and before I can even acknowledge what is happening, he is moving my shirt and my bralette to see my chest.

  “Best friend Damian would not look at my boobs,” I say defensively.

  “Best friend Damian wanted to. A lot,” he says smiling. “This guy looks like an expert. A plus in the hickey department.”

  “Oh, he is an expert,” I say rolling my eyes.

  Damian catches on and realizes that I was not rolling my eyes at his ego.

  “Felicity…” he sighs. “If you can’t get past that I have been with other people…”

  “I wouldn’t have started dating you if I cared about you being with other people. I have seen them. All of them. Everywhere,” I say standing up.

  “I can’t help that you have seen other girls I have been with, Fee. I can’t,” he says looking sad.

  I stand in front of him.

  “I am not worried about your manwhore status. I know you want me. You wouldn’t put up with all my baggage if you didn’t want me. It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it?” he says pulling me towards him.

  “I told you I need best friend, Damian,” I say, and he pulls me closer.

  “Well lucky for you, I am your best friend and your boyfriend. So, talk to me, Felicity.”

  “Did I do anything stupid? I haven’t exactly…that was the first time I…”

  He looks at me with a sincere smile.

  “Last night was perfect, Fee. We didn’t even have sex and I can tell you without a doubt it was the most intimate experience I have had thus far.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you,” he says. “No one compares to you and nothing you do with me is stupid. Ever. Can we stop with the comparing?”

  “I wasn’t comparing. I just didn’t want to do anything weird…I wanted to ask you if anything I did was weird. That’s all.”

  “For the record you could do anything, and I would think it was phenomenal. But because you’re you, I will be completely honest,” he says.

  Fear drops in my chest as I wait for him to respond.

  “That little moan you do?” he says with a slight cringe

  “Yea,” I say nervous.

  “Best noise I have every heard, and I am the so called sexpert.”

  I laugh and hit his shoulder.

  “That was mean!” I say.

  “You didn’t do anything weird. Stop second-guessing yourself. You’re hot, Felicity. Sexy. Stop thinking otherwise, please.”

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Okay,” he says pulling me towards him for a kiss.

  Damian goes to his room and we both get dressed and head downstairs. Donna came out of her room just as we did.

  “You all are up early,” she says.

  “Horses,” Damian says.

  “Zeke,” I say, and she laughs at the two of us as Zeke circles around me to be let out.

  Damian and Matt take care of their chores and come and meet Donna, Gran, and me for coffee.

  “I hate that I have to work and that it’s your last day here,” Donna says hugging me and Damian.

  “Mom, classes start on Monday for Fee—or we would stay,” Damian says.

  “You don’t start your job until next week, if you want to spend some more time at home…” I start to say but Damian gives me a look.

  “Quit dreaming, you’re stuck with him,” Gran says, and Matt and Donna laugh while Damian and I smile.

  “I hate to say it, but I have to work too. There’s an event tomorrow at the Shrine. I need to get the sound and chairs all set up for them,” Matt says.

  “I will make a nice dinner for all of us tonight, how’s that?” Donna says and we all agree.

  Gran sets out to “get out of our hair” by visiting a friend, but as soon as she leaves Damian gets a call about paperwork for his new internship.

  So, I get some alone time with Zeke. It being our last day here I want to give him a chance to run. Cities seem like no fun for dogs.

  I grab his tennis ball and head outside with him jumping at my feet to get it.

  I head to the empty field across from the house and sit on the fence. I throw the ball as far away as I can, and Zeke immediately runs to get it.

  That’s when my phone rings and based on the tone I know it is Mel. I look around for Damian before I answer it.

  “Hello,” I say.

  “Hey, what are you up to today? I am at your dorm and I am looking for you,” Mel says.

  I never told her I moved in with Damian. Just that the funding issues were solved. I didn’t want a lecture on being a burden to other people.

  “I
am not there,” I say.

  “Oh, well where are you, hun? I wanted to grab brunch and catch up.”

  I relax. She is in a good mood.

  “I am sorry, I can’t. I am not in town.”

  “Not in town? Fee…you left town and didn’t tell me? What if you would have a seizure?”

  “Mel, I think we both know you are over taking care of my seizures. It’s okay. I am with Damian at his Mom’s house. He is starting to learn what to do,” I say.

  “Oh, so you don’t need me anymore…is that it?” she says sounding hurt. “That’s why you’re not calling anymore? You’ve got someone else to help you, so you’re done with us?”

  “No, Melody. You and Daniel hate taking care of me. I was giving you space. Daniel has made it clear that the two of you want time together…so…”

  “Daniel was in one of his moods when he said that,” Mel says.

  “Daniel is in one of his moods whenever I am around, Melody.”

  “Fee, I just miss you. Is that too much to ask?”

  “No.”

  “This Derek and you. It sounds serious.”

  “Damian. And yes, we are pretty serious.”

  “So, you’re at his house? You have met his parents?”

  “Parent. And yes. Melody where did you think I spent Christmas while you and Daniel went to his mother’s?” She wasn’t thinking of me then. She only thinks of me when it is convenient lately.

  “Then I think it is only fair that I get to meet him.”

  “Technically you have. He is the one who was there last time I had a seizure at school.”

  “Oh. Well on better circumstances then. Why don’t we all go to lunch this week?”

  “I don’t think that is such a good idea,” I sigh. Damian and Daniel will not mix, particularly now that we are dating.

  “Felicity…” she sighs.

  “Mel…” I sigh.

  “What are you embarrassed by us now?” she asks.

  “Not you,” I say softly.

  “You and Daniel need to stop this. I can’t be the go between all the time. It’s your birthday, it’s your choice whether you bring the boyfriend or not but come on. We should see one another.”

  “For your hour lunch break?” I say.