Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “I can get a little more time than that. I would say dinner, but we have Daniel’s boss coming over.”

  “Yea. Okay. I’ll see you then I guess,” I say. I’ll have to go

  “Bye!” she says hanging up. I reach down and throw Zeke’s ball again.

  “Who was that?” Damian says from behind me and I jump.

  “Melody. She wants me to get lunch this week,” I say.

  “Oh?” he says sitting down next to me.

  “Yea.”

  “I see.”

  “Would you go with me?” I ask hesitantly.

  This is a bad idea, Fee.

  “Of course, Fee,” he says nudging me on the shoulder.

  Donna made lasagna for dinner and we all played Trivial Pursuit after. Gran kicked all our butts and we started to go off to bed, but Damian stops me.

  “Hey Mom, Felicity and I are going to be gone for a bit. We will let you know when we get back in.”

  Donna looks at him knowingly and smiles.

  “Alright but remember to let me know when you get back. I’ll worry,” she says heading off to her own room.

  “Where are we going?” I say looking over at the clock. It’s ten at night and in Damian’s tiny town all the local places are typically closed by six.

  “Someplace special,” he says, and he takes me by the hand.

  He puts Zeke’s vest on him while I run and get my shoes on.

  He hands me one of his hoodies, “It is going to be colder where we are going.”

  “Okay?” I say confused.

  I start to head to his car, but he stops me.

  “We’re walking, Baby Girl,” he says, and I look at him funny. Ten isn’t the time for hiking. Ten is the time for sleeping.

  “Okay,” I say.

  We start heading down his long driveway and turn a right down the road. He grabbed us light hoodies so people on the road could see us—smart man.

  “Why are we walking into town at ten?” I finally ask.

  “Because,” he says, and he squeezes my hand.

  We keep walking in silence and while it is comfortable…I am curious.

  “Well if you are going to go on a walk with me, you could at least keep conversation,” I say softly.

  “You’re right,” he says. “Did you know my parents never dated anyone else?”

  “No, that’s really sweet.”

  “My dad loved my mom. He met her while working for my grandpa at his practice. He was only seventeen and my mom was sixteen. She used to take my uncle in for his appointments when her parents were working.”

  “She mentioned that.”

  “Well, they each have never dated anyone else. My mom was always too busy with helping out her family, my dad was too busy in school. They met and then they just knew. I always envied them for that, always wanted it. My dad used to call her his heart. That he met his heart when he was seventeen. My mom didn’t steal it, she was it.”

  I keep silent, knowing he isn’t done.

  “I think that’s why Jocelyn’s cheating on me hurt so bad. I thought that we would have what my parents had…so I guess I kind of rebelled and did the exact opposite of what my parents would do. I enjoyed sex so I thought…why not? Who cares?”

  “Damian, you don’t have to tell me all of this,” I say.

  “Yes. I do. I need to tell you this because it’s an important part of where we are heading.”

  I look at him and raise an eyebrow. What does Jocelyn have to do with this? Are we going to her place?

  “My father had just died. Jocelyn cheated. So, I did something completely out of character when I got to school. I was not raised to be a player. I was not raised to treat women like….what did you say to me in your little diatribe? Like warm-flesh?”

  “Warm-bodies, I believe was the most popular of the terms I used.”

  “If my mother knew how I treated those girls she would disown me.”

  “Are you saying you knew it was wrong the whole time?” I say.

  “I knew it wasn’t nice. But I also got to a point where I didn’t care. I figured as long as I was upfront about how I felt and where it was going to lead, that I wasn’t at fault for what happened next. It’s like I always said—I never lied to anyone. I was honest and upfront. I figured it wasn’t my fault if a woman wanted to try to change me. I just liked not being tied down and to be frank…I enjoyed it wholeheartedly.”

  “I’m aware. Where is this going, Dame?” I say.

  “I’m saying that I regret it. I regret every moment of it. Especially since it is causing so much trouble with us. Because of how I was behaving, my heart didn’t want to be with me. And now that I have her, she is struggling with the fact that I have experience and that I have been so—disrespectful.”

  “You think I am your heart?”

  “Without a doubt, Fee.”

  “And I hate the fact that because I talked down other women in front of you, like a goddamn idiot, that you think I would do that to you. Fee…I was not in the right place. I was cruel to those girls and I know it. But that is not me. Hell, half the time I was grandstanding anyway and just being a dick. I would never think anything like that about you. You know that right?”

  “Dame, of…” I start to say, but he immediately interrupts me.

  “Because you’re right, Fee. When I was with those women, I only saw warm-bodies. I didn’t even like some of them…and I know that I was awful but…listen, I promise I will never make you a warm-body? Okay? Do you understand?” He is speaking so rapidly that it is hard to keep up and I can tell that this morning upset him. That he was hurting over his past, and I don’t want that.

  “Damian? Will you let me speak?” I say stopping on the road.

  “Yes, sorry.”

  “Damian, you don’t have to apologize to me about your past and I am sorry if I made you feel like you needed to. I appreciate your promise, but I have already figured out that you aren’t going to treat me like that. That you love me. I just lack some confidence in that area. I just needed reassured about me, not about you.”

  “Fee, every time we get…closer…you have doubts about my thoughts about you. You said the same thing after that night in the fort. You told me you struggled knowing about what I said and…”

  “I did. But that’s before I had an epiphany of sorts.”

  “An epiphany?”

  “You choose to be with me, Dame. If me peeing myself, multiple times now, didn’t gross you out, I don’t think anything else will. It was the insecurity talking. I am not used to intimacy.”

  “Then I think we need to work on those insecurities.”

  “Really? What did you have in mind?” I say.

  “Not tonight, Fee. I have something else I want to do.”

  “Besides helping me with my body insecurity? I basically offered myself. Where we are going is more important than sex?”

  “You’re more important than sex. So yes. And we are here,” he says, and I look around. We are in the middle of the bridge on the way to town.

  “Here? We were headed here?”

  “Yes. Here.”

  I look up down at the water and see the stars reflected in it. I honestly don’t know how Damian and his family are so used to seeing them all the time. They never notice how pretty they are, but in the city—stars all disappear. I take a moment and look at them.

  “It is beautiful,” I say looking around.

  “Do you remember when I told you about the locks?” Damian says and I look at the walkway and I see them. There must be a thousand locks on the various metal bars.

  “Your parents have one,” I say.

  “They do, right here,” Damian says holding up one of the locks. I bend down and look at it. It has the initials D and C with a heart.

  “I thought you said couples only put locks on here to be romantic and shit,” I say smiling.

  “They do. But it’s a tradition. You aren’t supposed to put a lock on here just for anyone, ev
en though people do, you are supposed to put a lock on here as a promise.”

  “A promise for what?”

  “A promise that no matter what happens, they belong to one another. A promise to always love one another.”

  “I see,” I say, and he pulls out a new lock from his pocket.

  “Damian…”

  He hands it to me, and I look at it. It has our initials and a heart on one side and BG and K with a heart on the other.

  “You even have our pet names,” I say laughing.

  “Yes, even my ridiculous pet name,” he says.

  “Fee, I promise that no matter what happens. This means forever. I love you and I will always love you. I know you have this ridiculous notion that how I feel will change when I get tired of taking care of you—but I will never get tired of being there for you.”

  I tear up and begin to cry.

  He hands me the key, “Can you promise me that too? It is completely up to you, Baby Girl.”

  “Of course. I promise—I love you, Dame,” I say but I am not sure he gets that because I am sobbing.

  “You need to put the lock on the bridge, babe,” he says chuckling and I try but I am crying too much. He reaches over and helps me put it near the top of the bar. We lock it.

  “Now…throw the key in,” he says.

  “Wait, why?” I ask still crying.

  “So we can’t undo it,” he says laughing. I throw the key in and he kisses me. I kiss him back and then he starts to guide me back to his place.

  “You haven’t said it to me before, I hope I didn’t force you?”

  “What?”

  “I love you,” he says.

  “Of course I love you,” I sob. I can’t believe I haven’t said it before.

  “I didn’t think you would get that choked up, Fee. Are you alright?” he says rubbing my back.

  “You say such sweet things and you don’t expect me to cry?”

  “You aren’t exactly big on showing that you care, Fee. I have only seen you cry from being upset. They are happy tears, right?”

  “To be honest they are a little of both,” I say, not thinking. He stops.

  “You’re upset?” he asks. I don’t know how to explain all that Daniel has said. I don’t know how to even talk about that subject with Damian, particularly when I am asking him to sit down to dinner on Sunday.

  “Dame, I am just not used to being doted on.”

  “Then get used to it,” he says going back to smiling. I can tell he knows there is more and that I am only adding to his anger about me not talking to him. But right now—this is perfect. We’re perfect.

  Apartment Living

  Damian wanted to head back on a Saturday so that I have a few days to get my books and adjust before the summer semester started. I am taking enough courses that I may be able to graduate in December if I play my cards right.

  When we get back to the apartment, the atmosphere has changed. Without Donna or Matt or Gran constantly around—there is a lot of us time. And a lot of us time means a lot of sexual tension. We both start to unpack, and I start a load of laundry and then we just look at one another.

  Last night I wanted to do more than make-out. But not at his mom’s place and I think he wanted to make it clear that he didn’t explain and buy the lock just for sex. In fact—we cuddled most of the night.

  With Damian starting his job next week—neither one of us have anything to do and frankly, we were used to distractions whether it be his family, or the fact that we got together right when the semester was at its busiest.

  “Well, we are being awkward,” I finally say.

  “I was thinking the same thing,” he says.

  “So…” I say and look at him.

  “I am going to get us some groceries and something to make for dinner. Any preferences?” he asks.

  “Just my usual stuff…do you want me to go with you?”

  “No, you just started a load of laundry.”

  “Okay,” I say and smile up at him. He kisses me on the cheek, rubs Zeke’s head and heads to the store.

  “Well…Zeke, we need to work on this odd tension, don’t you think?” I say. Zeke just keeps chewing on the bone Donna bought him before we left.

  While Damian is gone, I decide to shower and pay a little extra attention to myself. I am ready, particularly after last night, and I want to be ready just in case.

  When Damian comes back my hair still damp and I am sitting in my PJs, albeit they are the most flattering ones I have that aren’t just begging for it. I have a random movie turned on and I get up and start putting the groceries away.

  Without talking, we both put everything in its usual place. We have a routine, as if we are an old married couple. He knew what to buy. I knew that he wanted his bananas in the fridge, like a maniac.

  “So, was it busy?”

  “Huh?”

  “The store, Dame. Was it busy?”

  “Nope,” he says.

  “You are acting weird,” I say.

  “Am not,” he says sitting down at the kitchen table while I finish unloading the last bag.

  “Are so,” I say.

  “Well if I am, so are you,” he says. Touché.

  “Maybe I am acting weird because you are,” I say laughing.

  “What are you hungry for?” he asks. I know he is asking because we just unloaded the groceries, so I should be able to pick something for us to eat tonight, but…

  “Not food,” I say, and I walk over and sit on his lap—in the same position he typically puts me in when he lifts me to him.

  “Fee…you can’t say things like that to me, I am trying really hard to be a gentleman here.”

  “Is that your problem? Because my vote is the gentleman act can go away any time now.”

  “Two days ago, you weren’t ready. Fee, I did not give you the lock to push things along further…I can wait.”

  “I wasn’t ready because we were in your house. With your mother, grandmother, and brother in various rooms.”

  “That is what was holding you back?”

  “Anything else that was holding me back melted with my panties back on that bridge. Come on, Dame,” I say.

  He just looks at me, so I start to kiss his neck.

  “Baby Girl…” he says.

  “Yes, Kitten,” I say moving to the other side.

  “We should take this slow, see what you’re okay with. I really don’t want you to run away today.”

  “You did promise to help me with body confidence,” I remind him.

  “That I did,” he says, and he finally takes the hint and carries me to my bedroom.

  I know why he made my room the choice and I chuckle a little at it. His bed is more comfortable, but he doesn’t want this to happen where he has had sex before, so I get it. He sits me down on the edge of the bed.

  “We are going slow and seeing what happens, Felicity,” he says, and I smile at him.

  “Yes, dear. Now, you shirt, off,” I say and he chuckles at me while taking off his shirt. I start to move up the bed, but he stops me.

  “Nope. I sat you there for a purpose,” he says, and his eyes look mischievous. He sits next to me on the edge of the bed and starts to kiss me—and while I have thought that he was taking no prisoners before—this time he really meant business. His lips and tongue take ownership of my mouth and before I know it, he is lifting my shirt up and laying me down on my back. I have my own mischievous smile for this one.

  I put on a lace bra. Simply lace, nothing flashy, but definitely see through.

  “You weren’t planning on playing fair, were you,” he says looking down at me.

  “Nope, not in the least,” I say grinning.

  He goes back to kissing me while his hands roam down my body, lingering on my chest and working their way down. I immediately start to feel nervous and he notices my body stiffen.

  “Is this okay?” he asks me.

  “Yes, just nervous,” I say, and he looks a
t me.

  “Alright, body positive lesson number one,” he says.

  “First off, if you don’t know how amazing these are, I don’t think I can continue dating you,” he says taking his hand and brushing both of my breasts. I feel myself harden and Damian notices through the lace and grins at me playfully.

  “Oh, I can work with that,” he says. He starts kissing me again, pulling me up towards him. I hold myself up with my hands on the bed behind me, and he continues to kiss me while he quickly unsnaps my bra. He doesn’t stop kissing until I am back to laying flat on the bed and my bra is on the floor.

  He slowly moves his kisses down, my neck, my collarbone, the top of my breast, until he reaches my nipple.

  “I wonder…can I get you to come this way twice?” he says, but the question is definitely rhetorical as he starts back, kissing and sucking until I feel myself getting increasingly high off his touch.

  I am breathing so heavy I think I may pass out, and I am definitely not being quiet.

  He stops and goes back up to my lips. Instantly, I miss his attention to my chest and I feel myself winding down.

  “But then again, there’s so many other things we haven’t done yet. Why try the same thing twice?” he whispers in my ear and my breath catches.

  “How are you now, sweetheart?” he says going back to my neck. I moan a little and, tired of being the recipient, I move and begin kissing his neck and chest.

  “Needy. I think needy is the term,” I say, and he chuckles. He gently pushes me back down on the bed and starts back toward my chest. Instantly, I feel relieved. He is going to do it again! But when his lips keep moving down, down…I realize that his plans have definitely changed. I stiffen up again and he moves back to my lips.

  “I love you, Fee,” he says.

  “I love you too,” I say breathlessly. He moves his hand to the waist of my sweatpants and reaches down to remove them. I help him and he looks down at me.

  “You know where this is heading right?” he says coming back to me, so he is looking down at my face. He gently plays with my hair, looking at me.

  “I think,” I say looking up at him. He grins.

  “Tell me that I can, or I won’t,” he says sincerely.

  “You can,” I say.

  “I can what?” he chuckles, daring me to say it.