I don’t even lift my hand to my neck. I’ve been choked before. I’ve been hit, spit on, and anything else you could imagine. He could never do something to me that hasn’t already been done.
Well, almost.
He could love me.
But I would never expect it from him, no matter what Trista says.
“I know enough, Hawk. And yet, you’re right, I don’t know shit.”
“Yeah?”
Nodding my head, I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering if I should even ask. Then I decide, fuck it. I need to know and it’s stupid that I don’t already. I could find out from Trista, but I want to hear it fall from his lips.
“I don’t know your name.”
His eyes widen, obvious that he wasn’t expecting the statement. He clears his throat, lifting his hand before he runs his fingers down his thick bearded face.
“Orson.”
“Orson,” I whisper. “Orson.”
He hums, though stays planted in his spot, his feet unmoving. Tilting my head back, I look up into his gaze and stare at him for a moment. He doesn’t look like an Orson, but I like it, a lot. It’s different, but not weird or outlandish.
It’s classic, like my name.
A thought that I definitely should not be having, especially right now when we’re in the middle of an argument.
“You only think I’m treating you like a whore because you haven’t dealt with that part of your past.”
My head jerks and my lips part as his words tumble from his lips and he shocks the shit out of me, mainly because he’s kind of right. Although, he didn’t treat me nicely, so I don’t believe him one-hundred percent.
“What happens now? Because I’m not staying locked up in that room.”
“You want to be with Keaston?” he asks.
My lips twitch into a smile. “I didn’t want to be with him before and I don’t now. I know the other part is right though, you’re marking your territory and I don’t mind, just as long as it’s mutually pleasurable.”
He crosses his arms over his chest, his dark gaze watching me. “Earlier, that wasn’t about pleasure—”
“It was about dominance,” I say, interrupting him.
He grunts, though he doesn’t deny my words. “You gotta listen to me, need to follow my orders.”
“I don’t though, that’s the thing. I’m an adult, Hawk, and I’m not yours.”
Wrong. Thing. To. Say.
Whimpering, I take a step back, watching as the fire blazes in his eyes. He looks just as pissed off as he did earlier in his bedroom. The anger consumes him, it takes over and it causes his entire body to tremble.
Hawk leans forward, his gaze never leaving my own. “You are mine. Nobody else’s. Not now. Not ever. Mine,” he growls.
“But I’m not, not really. When this is done, when whoever is stalking me disappears, I’ll go back to my life and you’ll stay here.”
He shakes his head. “You’re wrong. This is your life.”
“I want a family,” I blurt out.
The anger that was blazing so brightly in his gaze, it extinguishes almost immediately. He clears his throat, taking a step back, then another. Retreat. His eyes shift to the side, then come back to meet mine.
“Yeah?”
I hum, nodding my head. “Yeah, Orson. I want a baby. I probably don’t need one. I’d do nothing but fuck it up, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it, that I don’t want love.”
“You can have love without kids.”
Pressing my lips together, I think about asking him if that’s actually true. I don’t know much about love, but I know kids do that unconditionally. I know that I loved my parents even when my dad beat the shit out of me, even when he kicked me out. If he called me tomorrow and said he needed help, needed me, I’d probably run to him.
“You want my baby?” he asks, his voice low, almost a whisper.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I wonder if I should tell him the truth or lie to him and end this right here and now. I can’t do that though, I can’t lie to him, not about this. Not about us. I needed time to get myself together, but I didn’t, not really. How can you do that when a piece of you is missing?
“I do,” I breathe. “It’s a stupid want, but if there was anyone I’d want to have a baby with, it’s you.”
I’m sure I just scared the shit out of him. We are so fucking insane. We go from fighting one second to talking about having babies the next. I’ve been thinking and missing him for months, though. Seeing him in my hallway again, it just confirmed all of my feelings, and being here with him, it confirms so much more.
I can’t have what I want, not with him. We aren’t meant to have more. I need to do what I’ve been trying to do, I need to walk away and start over with someone who has no clue what I was in my past life. Either that or just let the senator take me and do what he wants, it’s the most cowardly option, but it’s also the one that is the easiest to just accept and deal with.
“It’s not stupid,” Hawk murmurs. “It’s not stupid at all.”
“But,” I breathe.
He shakes his head, his gaze focusing on mine, holding mine as he continues to stand way too far away from me.
“Figured you didn’t want them. That part of my life is done, baby. I’m gonna be a grandpa and I need to focus on that. Fucked that father shit all up the first go-around. Didn’t think to ask if you would want this, shoved that shit to the side and like the bull I am, I went headfirst and brought your sexy ass back here because that’s what I wanted.”
“Orson,” I exhale.
Tears don’t fill my eyes, not with this. I expected all of this, but not the first night back here. Not so soon. It’s here though and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. This is my life. A sliver of happiness, of hope, and then it’s snatched away in some way.
“While you’re here, you’re in my bed, Avah. You’re still mine, honey.”
“When this dies down?” I ask.
He dips his chin, lifting his brows. “You know the answer to that.”
Nodding my head, I swallow the lump in my throat. I do know the answer to that, too well. Clearing my throat, I nod. “Okay.”
“Yeah? You’re good with that?”
Thinking about Sable slipping into his bed while I’m here, right under my nose, it makes my stomach queasy. Biting the inside of my cheek, I inhale a deep breath.
“I’m good with that. When this is done, I’m going to go.”
“Stay here, we’re all still your family, no matter what happened between us, Trista would want you to, I want you to.”
Just the thought of staying here and not being with him, not kissing him, seeing him, fucking him. It makes me want to throw up.
“When this is done, I’m going to go and I’m going to start again. I should have left LA the last time, shouldn’t have stayed. I won’t make that mistake again, I’m going to go somewhere completely different, far away from here.”
HAWK
Listening to her talk, all I want to do is carry her up to my room, spread her legs and plant my baby inside of her. I want to keep her—forever. She wants a family though, just like I thought she might.
I knew it, and I should have stayed away because now I don’t want to be without her. I know though, that staying will only make us both miserable, because I’m not doing kids again and she’s going to end up hating me.
“Trista needs you in her life,” I say, pointing out the obvious.
It’s not just Trista though, it’s Avah too, they need one another, more than anyone probably realizes, too.
Avah takes a step toward me, then another. I watch as she lifts her hand, cupping my cheek. Her fingers glide through the hair of my beard, scratching my skin as they do. Dipping my head, I look into her eyes and wonder if I can ever let her go?
“She’ll always have me, Hawk, but if I stay, then I won’t ever move on from you. Not that I will anyway, but being here will be too painfu
l.”
“Painful?”
She hums. “I love you, Hawk. I don’t know when it happened, maybe it was instant. But it’s there, and there’s no way to make it just go away. I won’t be able to be near you and not touch you, not taste you. I also won’t be able to be near you knowing other women are doing all of that, too.”
Lifting my hand, I wrap my fingers around the side of her throat. “You love me,” I rasp. “And you want to be mine.”
“And I want you to be mine,” she states.
“Fuck,” I grunt. “Why didn’t I meet you thirty years ago?”
“Because I wasn’t born yet,” she quips.
We both start to laugh, the tension broken. I’m still pissed off at Dragon for the shit with the Punchers, still angry with her not following my direct orders, but fuck me, I love her too.
“How about we table this until the shit with your stalker blows over?” I ask.
Her eyes widen before she blinks. “Orson?”
Closing the short distance between us, I dip my chin even more and touch my mouth to hers. I don’t deepen the kiss, at least not yet. Sliding my tongue across her bottom lip, I taste her. She melts into me, her tits pressing against my bare chest and I groan at the sensation of her soft body against my own.
Definitely not wearing a bra.
Nibbling on her bottom lip, my mouth travels down her neck, tasting and biting the entire length, before I make my way back up and touch her mouth with my own again.
“You’re mine until further notice. We’re tabling all this shit, we’ll revisit later.”
“I’m going to fall deeper,” she breathes.
I hum against her lips. “Yeah,” I grunt as I reach down with both hands and wrap my fingers around the backs of her thighs, picking her up and backing her against the wall of the clubhouse.
“Hawk,” she moans when I grind my pelvis against her cunt.
“Yeah,” I growl. “Fuck, yeah, Avah. You ain’t goin’ nowhere. Mine.”
“You’re going to destroy me, Hawk.”
I chuckle, lifting my head and looking directly into her green eyes. “Destroyed me the second those eyes landed on me, honey.”
Without another word, I slant my head and my lips slam against hers. No more words are spoken, our bodies doing all of the talking. Her body doing all of the taking as I fuck her against this wall. It’s fucking beautiful, too. Every goddamn second.
Chapter Seventeen
AVAH
“You dirty ol’ ho,” Trista cries out.
Squinting, I try to open my eyes, but I’m exhausted. “What?” I moan as I roll onto my back, tugging the sheet over my bare breasts, although it doesn’t matter much, Trista has seen every square inch of my body.
“You fucked my dad outside the clubhouse. That’s gross, by the way,” she announces.
My eyes widen and I sit straight up. I know my hair is everywhere, but it doesn’t matter, at least not right now. “You saw?” I hiss.
Trista lifts her hand to the front of her throat and makes a gagging noise. “Hell no, thank fuck.”
I close my eyes for a moment and let out a sigh of relief, then shift my attention back to her. “But somebody saw?” I ask, wrinkling my nose.
It’s not that I care that anyone saw me having sex, I’ve actually been paid for that before, it’s that Hawk’s friends saw us having sex.
It shouldn’t even matter, at least not at this point. It’s not like I’m going to be a permanent fixture here anyway. I’m temporary. My heart will stay here when I leave, but I’ll be gone, just a distant memory.
“They did.” Trista laughs. “As much as I want to say it’s disgusting, because believe me—it is. I’m happy.”
Pressing my lips together, I roll them as I try to think of the right words to tell her that she shouldn’t be happy. What is happening between me and Hawk, it’s fleeting. Nothing is going to happen, the future is nonexistent when it comes to us.
“I hope that my dad will stay here with you at his side, now.”
“You’re not angry with him anymore?” I ask as I cross my legs beneath the sheet and bite the inside of my cheek.
Trista shakes her head. “Not anymore. He’s not really my dad, he’s Hawk, but maybe he can be a grandpa. And maybe he can do what he felt he wasn’t able to and be a real father,” she says, flicking her eyes down to my stomach before she lifts them back to meet my own.
I almost burst out laughing and if it wasn’t so depressing, I think I just might. Instead, I shake my head a couple of times, slowly.
“That won’t be happening,” I whisper.
“What do you mean? You told me you want a family. My dad is totally head over heels in love with you. What’s the issue?”
Letting out a snort, I lean back against the headboard, keeping the sheet up and tucking it beneath my arms. Looking up at the ceiling, I inhale a deep breath before I release it and refocus back on Trista.
“Your dad doesn’t want children, not with me, not with anyone. We talked about it last night and he doesn’t want to start another family. He’s happy to have you and be a grandfather.”
“You can change his mind,” she practically growls.
I manage a trembling smile as I watch her. I love that she’s so positive, I just wish that I could match her outlook. I can’t because I know how insistent he was, I know that Hawk isn’t going to magically change his mind, just like I’m not going to either.
There is no compromising on something as big as this. I can’t try to force him to have a family with me when he doesn’t want one. I can’t try to change his life for my own happiness and I’m not willing to give something that big up for his—as it always should be.
“I’m not going to change his mind. I can’t. He knows what he wants and so do I. This is life, Trista. We aren’t you and Taz. I love Orson, but we’re just not in the same place and that’s okay.”
“I want to cry,” she whispers. “I thought he would want to have a family with you. I urged him to go and get you. I know he loves you.”
Reaching across the bed, I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. “I love him more than I thought possible. I’ve never loved someone before, not like this. He cares for me, but it’s not love for him and that’s just fine. After this shit is all dealt with, I’m going to find the path that’s right for me, Orson just isn’t it.”
“He told you his name,” she whispers, ignoring everything else that I’ve said. “His real name. I didn’t even know that until a few months ago.”
Her lips slowly curve into a secretive smile. Shaking my head, I refuse to smile about this, it doesn’t mean anything other than I asked his name and he told me in the heat of the moment. It isn’t special, not at all.
“Avah, I just don’t believe that he’s going to let you go.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I only unclench my jaw when I taste blood. “He will and I’m okay with that. Not only because I have to be, but because I need to be.”
“Okay,” she whispers. “It’s going to be hard as hell to watch you both fuck your lives up.”
Laughing softly, I squeeze her hand. “There’s no fucking it up when it comes to Hawk. I don’t know why we were drawn to one another, but we were and I am okay with walking away. I had a taste of happiness with him, it’s been exactly what I need for right now, but it won’t be what I need for the future.”
Tears fill her eyes and fall down her cheeks. She wipes them away with the hand that I’m not holding and inhales a shaky breath. “I didn’t want you together at first. I thought not only was it gross, but I didn’t have much respect for him and I didn’t think that he deserved you.”
“And now?” I ask with a smile.
“He still doesn’t deserve you,” she snaps. “But I wanted to keep you where you belong, here with us, as a part of my family. I see the way he looks at you and you him, I was okay with you being with him.”
“Don’t lie, you wanted me to be your mom because
I’m awesome.”
Her tears don’t stop flowing and I feel like an asshole for even saying those words. But Trista, being Trista, she smiles through her tears and shakes them off.
“That’s exactly what I wanted,” she whispers.
“Let’s go shopping, I have like two outfits,” I announce, trying to lighten the mood and change the subject.
HAWK
Leaving Avah naked and asleep in bed, I head outside. The morning sun is already hot and beating down on the desert ground. A few of the guys are walking around, heading out to the warehouse, where I assume they’re getting a truck ready to go for another delivery.
“You talk to your contact lately in Cali with those mattresses?” a voice asks from behind me.
Turning around, I see Taz there, a clipboard in hand. Jerking my chin up, my brows furrow. “Not recently. There a problem?”
Taz shakes his head. “Not necessarily, but we learned with our last supplier to always keep them on their toes. Need someone to take a road trip up there, make sure he remembers who exactly he’s dealing with. Thought I’d give you the opportunity to join since he’s your guy.”
“It’s Punchers territory,” I point out.
I don’t have a problem heading up there at all, not in the fucking slightest. Santa Rosa is goddamn calling my name, I’m so ready to skin a couple Punchers alive at this point, I would volunteer for just about anything that gets me anywhere near their clubhouse.
Taz’s eyes widen, obviously reading my eager look correctly. “You can’t do anything, Hawk. Dragon would lose his shit,” he hisses.
Leaning forward, I tilt my head to the side. “Those fucks took your wife. Your woman. You seriously just going to let Dragon pussyfoot around until they do something else, until they rape or kill her?”
Taz’s body jerks and his chest puffs up in anger. He leans forward, his jaw clenched. “Don’t fuck with me, Hawk. If you’re thinking you’ll get me all hot and pissed off and I’ll follow your plan to get in there and go behind Dragon’s back, you got another thing coming. I know that I’ll get retribution for what they did. Patience, brother.”
UnWreck Me (Savage Beast MC Book 7) Page 13