True Loves (A Collection of Firsts)

by Michelle A. Valentine

  She turns her tear-streaked face up at me. “Then help me. One last time, then I’ll get better. I promise.”

  I stare down at the belt, thinking that maybe this time she means it.

  “Okay.”

  She grins and holds her sleeve up as I loop the belt around her arm and synch it as tight as I can. “That’s good, baby. Look at that big vein.”

  The glee in her voice makes me shiver. I turn my head the moment she pulls out the needle and jabs herself with it.

  A couple of seconds later, her body visibly relaxes.

  “Much better,” she sighs as she drops the needle to the floor.

  She reaches out to try and pat me, but she misses. “Thank you, baby.”

  I gasp as I sit up in bed and reevaluate where I am—alone in my hotel room.

  Beads of sweat cover every inch of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that dream. I was hoping my fucked-up brain had somehow blocked my childhood out, but I will never be that lucky.

  It’s probably because of all of Anna’s poking around about my past. I know she believes she’s helping, but some people should learn to let sleeping dogs lie. Talking about shit only makes it worse. Bringing up the past brings back the nightmares of shit I don’t want to remember.

  Nervous energy flows through me, and there’s only one way I know how to get rid of it.

  Working out.

  After a couple quick stretches I get down on the floor and begin hammering out push-ups. Focusing on the burn in my muscles takes my mind off the pain of my emotions. This is one of the reasons I got so big to begin with. Nothing else compares to the way I feel when I work out.

  Working out, and fucking women: the two things that completely take my mind off everything. And they’re my two greatest addictions.

  Well, if I’m being honest, I suppose that was true once, but not now. Being with Anna takes my mind off my shitty past too. That is, until she tries to bring it up.

  I know she means well, but there’s no way she can fathom how fucked up things were for me. Her life with her domineering father is child’s play next to what I dealt with. At least her parents care enough to be involved in her life.

  “One hundred and twelve,” I count out loud as I keep pumping in a steady rhythm up and down, and my eyes fixate on the corner of the nightstand as I get lost in the burn.

  I was doing just fine with avoiding my past, until lately. Walking away from Anna is the best thing to do. She’s fucking with my head, making me want things I know I can’t have.

  I’m not normal. No mind as fucked up as mine could ever have a shot at a normal relationship. It’s not fair to her to drag her into my world.

  Maybe if I just fuck her--get it over with—we’d both be able to move on. I’m just afraid if I ever get a taste of that sweetness that I’ll be a fucking goner.

  I know me. Once I become addicted I won’t be able to let go, and I’ll drag her down with me. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves more.

  She deserves so much better than me.

  The goodness that pours out of her lights my world up like she’s a goddamn angel. She shouldn’t want anything to do with a demon like me because I’ll taint her. What she saw tonight will most definitely cause her to hate me. I should be glad that she no longer wants anything to do with me.

  But, I can’t let her go.

  Not yet.

  Not that easily.

  I’m too selfish to do the right thing and leave her alone. The expression on her face when she told me goodbye nearly killed me, and every time I think about it, there’s a sharp pain in my chest.

  I’d kick my own ass if I could. Better yet, I’d go back in time and refuse Deena the night she showed up begging to fuck me the first night we got here. That bitch is evil, and I’ve had enough of her attempting to sink her hooks into me.

  Spending this week with Anna wasn’t one of my brightest ideas, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t stay away from her. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever met. The fact that she calls me out on my shit confirms her realness, and that’s what I crave more than anything in this world.

  I’ve got to see her one more time.

  Chapter 11

  The tears have finally stopped, but my mind hasn’t. I lie in my bed, replaying what went down at the hotel. I don’t understand how I didn’t see that coming? I’ve only known him a week, and I’ve already grown attached to him, but that doesn’t mean I know everything about him. I mean, he was still sleeping with his old assistant and hadn’t said a word to me about it. He led me to believe I might be special to him, but apparently I’m not.

  I sigh again and shift restlessly, unable to find a comfortable spot.

  “Anna, you going to tell me what happened, or do you prefer to keep us both awake all night with your longing sighs?” Quinn mumbles from her bed. “It’s bad enough you’ve been a puddle of tears since I got home. What’s up?”

  I take a deep breath and sigh again. I don’t want to annoy her any more than I already have. Maybe if I talk about it, I can calm down enough to sleep. “It’s Xavier…”

  “That much I figured. Want to talk about it?” The concern in her voice is almost enough to make me want to cry again.

  “He’s been sleeping with his assistant.” I choke back a tear. “I know we aren’t a couple—that we’re just friends—but it hurt. I didn’t know he was…seeing someone.”

  She turns on the lamp on her nightstand and leans up on her side to face me. “He what?! Are you kidding me right now? I’m going to kill him.”

  “He really didn’t do anything wrong. I knew we are just friends. It’s my fault for allowing myself to grow attached.” I shake my head, and the tears burn my skin as they roll down my temples.

  “Now you’re just talking crazy.” Quinn flings her feet over the side of her twin bed and focuses her gaze on me as I lie on the twin air mattress on her floor. “X is chasing you, Anna. Any idiot can see that. Seems to me that he’s a selfish man who was having his cake and eating it too—that is until you found out. Don’t you for one second put any blame on yourself for feeling something for him. X made it damn near impossible for you not to. The man is relentless in his pursuit.”

  She’s right. From the moment I met him on the plane, he’s been impossible for me to shake. Xavier has been a constant in my life since I got here. Maybe all the emotion I’m feeling for him is just an excuse my brain is making to cover up all the feelings I’ve been avoiding since I left home—ones I’m not ready to deal with just yet.

  I wipe my eyes. “It all makes sense now, you know.”

  She tilts her head. “What does?”

  “He kept telling me that he’s a bad person and that I shouldn’t trust him. I should’ve listened, huh?” The burn in my chest from my broken heart still lingers. “I guess I need to stop being so trusting and believing everyone is good.”

  Quinn shakes her head. “No, Anna. That’s what makes you so special. You’re one of the sweetest people I know. You’re practically a saint compared to the rest of us. Don’t allow one asshole to ruin that for you. One of these days, you’ll find a guy who will appreciate you.”

  What if I messed up my one shot with a good guy already? The way I left Portland behind because I couldn’t picture marrying a man who I didn’t truly love flits through me. Jorge is sweet. Sure, he doesn’t have that all-consuming effect on me like Xavier does, but at least he was safe, and he never made me feel like this. Ever.

  “Maybe I already found him and let him go. Jorge wouldn’t have treated me like this. Maybe coming out here was a mistake.”

  Quinn comes over and sits next to me—the air mattress sinking a little beneath her weight. She brushes my hair away from my face, and a sad smile plays on her lips.

  “I know you don’t mean that. Don’t let being hurt by a man make you doubt your decision to be here. You came here to experience an unsheltered life, and while I don’t promise life here won’t come with its bu
mps and unexpected turns, I do promise it’ll be an amazing and freeing ride. Promise me you won’t let what X did make you throw away that chance to find yourself. Don’t go running back to Jorge just because it’s the ‘safe’ thing to do.”

  There’s no mistaking the look of compassion in her eyes. If I turn tail and run back home, I would not only be letting myself down, but Quinn as well. And I don’t want to do that. Besides, she’s right. Deep down, I know she is. I need to take this as a lesson and learn from it while I stick it out here.

  “I promise.”

  “Good.” Quinn hugs me against her. “Our fun together is just getting started and I would hate it if you left now.”

  I smile at her. “We do need to hang out more. I’m sorry I’ve been so occupied lately. Xavier is a pretty consuming man.”

  “We’re going to change that.” Quinn pushes herself off the mattress and snuggles back down in her own bed. “Tomorrow night you and I are going out. Now that Mr. X is out of the picture, we’ll start having girl’s nights out.”

  In the silence of the room, my thoughts drift back to Xavier, and the events of the evening. The oddity of it all still puzzles me. Why doesn’t he stay at his own house? Why a hotel? None of it makes any sense to me. I wish I could just stop thinking about him, but I can’t. It would make forgetting him a whole lot easier.

  “Quinn, can ask your opinion about something?” I ask.

  “Shoot,” she answers simply.

  I go right for the one question that keeps lingering on my mind. “Do you think Xavier is married or something?”

  She quiet for a moment as though she’s contemplating her reply. “He better not be or, seriously, I will shank him. What makes you think he is?”

  I shrug. “Tonight he said he has a house here in Detroit, but that he never stays there—that he actually pays people to take care of it while he stays at a hotel. Don’t you think that’s strange? Why wouldn’t someone stay in their own home if they could?”

  She nods and her eyes drift up to the ceiling like she’s searching for answers. “Yes, but I don’t think he’s hiding a family or anything. There would be some trace of it on the Internet if he was.”

  “True. I just can’t make any sense of it.”

  “Don’t waste your time thinking about him anymore, Anna.” She leans over and flips off the light. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

  She’s right—I know that—but how can I tune out Xavier when he’s weaseled his way into my heart? Getting over him and his betrayal will take time. I can’t stop thinking about him just because he’s a big jerk.

  I roll over and sigh, hoping a good night’s sleep will help erase some of the good memories I have of Xavier, so I can start completely hating him and move on with my new life.

  Being slammed at Larry’s is a welcomed distraction. There’s not much time to wallow in the fact that I’ll never see Xavier again or mope about ending things on such a horrible note. As much as I want to hate him, I can’t. It’s not in me. Besides, he wasn’t mine, so it wasn’t like I had some sort of claim on him. I allowed things to get out of hand in my own head, believing there was more going on between us than the friendship we’d officially established.

  “Something wrong, Anna?” Tyler asks as he slides table four’s order over to me through the window.

  I shake my head, breaking myself out of my own thoughts. “No, I’m great. Just a little tired, that’s all.”

  He nods and a blond curl falls across his forehead. “Does your knee hurt?”

  “My knee?” I glance down and remember falling with the tray yesterday. That feels like a lifetime ago. All my personal drama has steered my mind away from my little mishap at work yesterday. “Oh, no, it’s fine. That’s very sweet of you to ask.”

  Tyler smiles shyly. “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I honestly don’t see why you men fawn all over her. It was just a little fall,” Alice says while sliding in next to me to enter her order into the computer. “She only got a damn scratch.”

  “Don’t be a jealous bitch, Alice,” Quinn warns, flanking my side. “I know it was you that tripped her yesterday. There’s nothing else there that she could’ve tripped on.”

  Alice narrows her green eyes and shoves her red hair over her shoulder. “Prove it.”

  Quinn glares at her. “One of these days you’re going to get fired, and I hope I’m there to laugh my ass off when you do.”

  Alice crosses her arms over her chest. “We’ll see which one of us gets fired first.”

  I don’t miss the ice in her voice as I detect her threat. I know Alice holds a lot of power around here, but would Andy seriously fire Quinn because Alice told him to? I hoped not, but like Quinn said, men seem to do almost anything for her.

  “Ladies? Is there a problem?” Andy asks as appears next to Tyler in the kitchen.

  Alice smiles sweetly at Andy, instantly making my stomach turn at just how fake she really is, while Quinn shakes her head. “No problem, Andy. Just a little girl talk. You know how we get.”

  Andy rolls his eyes and pops a couple antacids in his mouth. “Talk on your own time, then. Get back to work.”

  Quinn begins to turn away, but the moment Andy is out of earshot Alice growls, “This isn’t over, bitch.”

  Quinn, never the one to back down from speaking her mind turns in her direction with a heated expression. “Bring it. Any. Time. I’m not scared of you.”

  With a huff, Alice spins away from us and returns to her position behind the bar, flirting with every male customer in sight.

  “Are you the only person that ever stands up to her around here?” I ask Quinn, still feeling intimidated.

  She shrugs. “I’ve been here longer. From day one I didn’t tolerate her shit, and she’s been threatening to have me fired since then.”

  “I thought you said Alice always gets her way?”

  “Her bully tactics work on a lot of people, but I always stand up to her. I don’t allow her to walk all over me. Threats from her mean very little to me anymore because as you can see…I’m still here.” She winks at me before scurrying off to check on her tables.

  I stop dead in my tracks on the way back to my section the moment I spot Xavier sitting at a table in my section. For a moment I debate running to hide in the kitchen and begging Quinn to take over my tables, but I know on a busy night like tonight she’d hunt me down if I tried to double her work.

  Xavier is just as sexy as always. His hair, styled into a wild, sexy mess, frames his ruggedly handsome face while his tight black t-shirt and jeans hug his chiseled muscles, reminding me of how solid they felt beneath my fingers last night. He absently taps his thumbs on the tabletop as he waits for me.

  I swallow hard and force my legs forward toward his table. I might as well face him and get it over with. He’s here for a reason, so I need to find out why.

  The moment our eyes meet, Xavier stiffens a bit in his seat. I can tell he’s nervous and he’s probably here to apologize, which is a start, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve learned my lesson about him. We are friends, nothing more. Well, if we can salvage what’s left of our friendship, that is.

  I pull the order pad from the back pocket of my shorts as I approach him, planning to keep it strictly business. “Hey, what can I get you?”

  Xavier frowns. “Can we talk?”

  I sigh heavily and shake my head. “We’re slammed tonight, and I just took my last break.”

  “Come on, Anna. Don’t be like that. Talk to me, please?”

  I don’t get it. After last night, I thought I’d never see him again. He’s leaving tonight to go back on the road, so rehashing the events from yesterday isn’t something I thought I’d have to go through today. I’m not ready to have this conversation with him. It’s hard to even look at him knowing that he’s been with someone else. It hurts too much and I don’t want to keep getting my heart broken. I have to push him away.

  “I think we s
aid enough last night, don’t you?” I turn to walk away from him.

  “Hey.” He reaches out and grabs my wrist, halting me in place. “Stay. Talk. Hear me out.”

  I can’t allow more lies to fill my head. There needs to be space between us. “No. As a matter of fact, I would appreciate you moving out of my section. I refuse to deal with this at work.”

  “Fine.”

  Xavier shoves himself out of the booth but doesn’t head for the door like I expect. Instead he stalks off toward the bar. Alice dries her hands on a dishtowel and smirks at me as he sits down at the bar.

  Damn him.

  Alice leans across the bar to take Xavier’s drink order. He makes no attempt to hide the fact that he’s staring at her breasts as she gives him an eyeful with her v-neck, fitted t-shirt. A flirty smile plays along his lips as Alice reaches into the cooler and hands him a beer.

  “Are you going to kill him, or should I?” I don’t even realize I’m clenching my jaw and staring intently at the situation unfolding in front of me until Quinn snaps me out of my daze.

  Anger continues to bubble through me as I witness Xavier blatantly flirt with Alice in front of me. “Ugh. He infuriates me.”

  Quinn puts her arms around my shoulders. “It’s for the best, Anna. He’s playing games and you don’t need that. No more crying over him. Ignore him, and he’ll eventually get the hint and leave.”

  I close my eyes and a couple of tears stream down my face. I bat them away and pray for the power to be strong in his presence. I just have to get through this shift and then I’ll never have to see him again.

  “You’re right.”

  “That’s my girl. Pretend he’s one of Alice’s regulars and steer clear. He’ll get bored and be gone before you know it. Come on, we have orders waiting on us.”

  I follow Quinn to the pick-up window and without even turning around, I know Xavier is watching me. The weight of his stare sends a tingle down my spine and I question if I’ll be able to really ignore him all night. The pull to him is still pretty damn strong.