M Is for Mama's Boy

by Michael Buckley

  “All right, people,” Ruby said. “Let’s activate our Wind Breakers.”

  Flinch’s jacket billowed out, slowing their fall. The two boys drifted south with the wind and were soon floating over the rocky Hawaiian cliffs. There, Duncan saw a craft that looked like a combination of a plane and a helicopter. On each side was a huge barrel-like engine that blasted blue flames. A gigantic tube hung from the machine. It was sucking up the horrible ash that covered everything. The arsenic seemed to be sifted through a filter in the back of the ship, and the leftover ash was dumped into the ocean.

  Flinch pulled the cord on his jacket, and the tether shot out of the bottom. He and Duncan slid down it to land on a nearby cliff.

  “I don’t approve of this, Gluestick,” Ruby said once everyone had landed. “But if my family were attacked, I’d do the same thing.”

  “Here’s the problem, dude. You’re powerless,” Jackson said as his braces started to swirl. “We all have the upgrades. We’re back online. Are you OK with being a normal kid? No gadgets? No powers?”

  Duncan nodded his head. “I’m manning up. Are we going to talk all day, or are we going down into that volcano to kick some bad-guy butt?”

  Matilda grinned. “You, my friend, are suddenly the coolest person I know.”

  The children looked down the cliff face. The lava was flowing in a red, hot stream into the ocean, raising the temperature dramatically and turning the water into thick, muggy steam. It was going to be hot down there. Just above the lava flow, the hoverplane continued its work sucking up minerals off the rocky cliff. Duncan reached into his pack and found some rope, clips, a hammer, and a handful of pins. He pounded a pin into the hard, volcanic rock, then looped the rope around it. Within seconds he was ready to rappel down toward the hoverplane. The others shrugged their shoulders.

  “Um, I guess we follow Gluestick,” Ruby said.

  Matilda snatched Flinch around the waist and then fired her inhalers so the two soared over the edge. Jackson’s braces created four long, spindly legs. He took Ruby in his arms and the two crawled over the side.

  Duncan struggled with his ropes but refused to ask for help. All of the team had been trained in rappelling, but he remembered not taking it too seriously. He remembered thinking that it was pointless to learn, as he could stick to any surface. If only he hadn’t taken the shortcuts. Was Brand right? Was he lazy?

  Before he could get too frustrated, he stopped, took a deep breath, and focused on what he had been taught. Ms. Holiday had shown them all what to do. What had she said? Kick off the side of the cliff and ease the rope through your gloved hand. He took a deep breath and followed her instructions and it worked. In no time, he was out of rope. He tied himself off and then pounded another pin into the rock and attached a second rope from his pack.

  He caught up to the rest of the team yards away from the hoverplane.

  “So what’s the plan?” Matilda called to Pufferfish.

  “I think the best—”

  Duncan interrupted Ruby. “Matilda is taking me over there. That’s the plan.”

  Everyone looked at Pufferfish. “Umm.”

  “No arguments,” Duncan said. “This is personal.”

  Pufferfish nodded.

  Matilda took Duncan in her arms and flew him over to the hoverplane. Once there, she used one of her inhalers to blow a hole in the side of the ship. The two spies flew inside the cockpit, ready for a fight . . . but something was wrong. The ship was empty. Glowing letters on the control panel read REMOTE PILOTING ENABLED.

  “There’s no one here!” Matilda said.

  “What?” Ruby said over the nose comlinks.

  “Let the lunch lady know we need a pickup. Simon’s flying this ship from somewhere else,” Duncan said. “He’s been playing us since the beginning—running us around in circles, guessing what we’ll do before we even do it. He knows us too well.”

  “No arguments there. But if he’s not here, where is he?” Matilda asked.

  Duncan had an idea, and the answer made him very, very nervous.

  Albert walked down the halls of Nathan Hale Elementary with a thousand eyes watching his every step. He hadn’t been in the school in twenty-five years, not since he had been a student there as well, but that wasn’t why the children were watching him. He was wearing his Captain Justice costume and carrying a ray gun. He was also not alone. Simon, with his skull mask and army of hypnotized squirrels, was right behind him. Not to mention the goon with his razorsharp hook. And Mama—who turned heads with her gaudy jewelry and tiger-print jacket. A rumor began to spread that the foursome were new teachers, which caused many students to faint.

  Albert knew they were being gawked at but shrugged it off. Kids had never been kind to him. He remembered how his peers used to break his beakers and contaminate his petri dishes just for fun. He couldn’t blame them. Being dressed like a scientist was like taping a sign to him that read PLEASE PUNCH ME AND TAKE MY LUNCH MONEY. Mama had made his life a misery, but soon the bullies and jerks would be begging for his help. Soon he would be the superman he was always meant to be.

  “You had to wear the costume?” Simon said to Albert. “You couldn’t have put it on after you got your powers?”

  “You should talk,” Albert said. “Your skull mask doesn’t exactly scream sanity.”

  “Are you calling me a mad scientist? ’Cause I’m an evil genius! There is a big difference,” the boy cried.

  “Let’s just get this over with,” Albert said. “We collect the superchips, I get my superpowers, and you shoot the weapon into space and do what it is you plan on doing.”

  “Boys, this is no time to squabble,” Mama said. “We are very close to getting our hearts’ desire. Fighting and petty arguing are what always bring the bad guys down. Just keep your eyes on the prize and we’ll be fine. You’re sure those kids won’t swoop in and stop you, right?”

  “No worries, Ms. Nesbitt,” Simon replied. “They’re very busy trying to stop our evil plan in Hawaii. I leaked the information about the volcano to the military when I stole their hoverplane. I knew the NERDS would come running. It’s Agent Brand’s weakness. He’s a preemptive strike kind of guy and thus predictable. Soon, the NERDS will realize they’ve been fooled again and they’ll race back here, but when they arrive, we will have already taken the microchips we need. Unfortunately, we have to wait until they arrive so we can take their rocket. We’ll need it to get the machine into space.”

  “What are you talking about?” Mama cried. “This is just a school. There are no microchips. No rockets!”

  Simon stopped at a bank of lockers and opened one of the doors. “Care to fall down the rabbit hole, Ms. Nesbitt?”

  Simon stepped in and closed the door.

  “He’s crazy, right?” Mama said. She opened the door. The locker was empty.

  The goon shrugged and crawled in next. Seconds later, he vanished as well. Then it was Mama’s turn, and finally Albert’s.

  He opened the locker door and saw a glowing blue light inside. A calm, female voice said, “Prepare to enter the Playground.”

  Albert poked his head inside but could not find the source of the invitation. “Hello?”

  “Prepare to enter the Playground,” the voice repeated.

  “How do I do that?”

  “Step into the locker for delivery.”

  Albert eyed the tiny space. “I’m not sure I’ll fit.”

  “Step into the locker for delivery.”

  Albert crammed a leg into the locker and then squeezed his massive belly inside. His latex suit made his efforts sound like a clown twisting the world’s largest balloon animal. How he managed to get his head inside he would never know, but after twenty minutes of serious effort he finally got the locker door shut behind him.

  “I hope this is really the way in, ’cause there is no way I’m ever getting out.”

  “Delivery in five, four, three, two, one.”

  The floor beneath Albert slid o
pen, but he did not fall. In fact, he hung above the hole, kicking his feet in hopes of dislodging himself. It didn’t work. “I’m stuck!” he cried.

  “Administering slippery jelly,” the voice said, and a spray of fluid basted him like a Thanksgiving turkey. But he was still crammed in tight.

  “Still stuck,” Albert said, feeling embarrassed.

  “Calculating Plan B. Please hold,” the voice said.

  “Oh, c’mon!” he cried.

  “Prepare for delivery,” the voice said as something snatched Albert by the ankle. It felt like a hand and it tugged at him until finally he was dislodged. A moment later he wished he had stayed stuck. His body was thrown through a series of tubes. He rolled through a loopty-loop, then along a conveyor belt, and finally tumbled down a tube and shot out of it like a cannonball onto a hard concrete floor.

  He adjusted his mask, which had come askew in the fall, and looked around. His jaw dropped because of what he saw— hundreds of workstations filled with experiments of all kinds, computers with monstrous hard drives, technology beyond anything he had ever imagined. He might have stared at it all day, but then he noticed a tiny blue orb floating about.

  “I have alerted security,” the orb chirped. “Stay still and you will be arrested at any moment.”

  “What are you?” Mama asked.

  “This is Benjamin,” Simon said, making introductions. “Good to see you, old friend.”

  “Hello, traitor,” the ball chirped. “You do not have permission to enter the Playground. Your agent credentials have been revoked. You are a wanted fugitive.”

  “Hypnotize this thing,” Simon cried to Albert. “I’ve taken care of the others.” He gestured to the hundred scientists standing obediently in one corner.

  Albert aimed his ray gun at the little blue ball and pulled the trigger. There was a loud screech and the ball smoked as if its circuits were on fire. Then it righted itself.

  “How can I help you?” Benjamin asked blandly.

  “We’re looking to borrow a few of your fancy microchips, Benjamin,” Simon said.

  “But first, I want my superpowers,” Albert said.

  “Fine! Benjamin, will you put Mr. Nesbitt through the upgrade process?”

  The little ball chirped. “The upgrade process is designed for children. It has never been done on a full-grown adult.”

  “But that’s only because it’s programmed not to, right? Not because it can’t.”

  “That’s correct.”

  “Then get started. The rest of us will collect what we need,” Simon said, then turned to Albert. “Oh, and allow me to be the first person to say hello to the world’s first real superhero.”

  “Follow me,” the orb said. It floated into a tiny room, and Albert tentatively followed. Once inside, a heavy door closed behind him and a chair rose up out of the floor.

  “Please have a seat,” the ball said.

  Albert sat down and was immediately strapped into place. His ray gun fell to the floor. “Hey!”

  “Just relax,” Benjamin said as a bank of lasers appeared on each wall. Their light beams traced every part of Albert’s body. “Scanning for weaknesses. Oh dear. Um, just relax, Albert. This is going to take a while.”

  DETAILS REGARDING

  UPGRADE EFFORTS

  ON SUBJECT

  ALBERT NESBITT

  The flight back to Arlington was not quiet. Ms. Holiday spent most of it scolding Duncan for disobeying orders and, more seriously, for scaring her half to death. Agent Brand sat nearby, smoldering. He stood up, paced back and forth, then sat down again, only to repeat it all a moment later.

  When the School Bus finally landed in the gymnasium, it was met by several panicked scientists.

  “There’s four of them, not to mention the squirrels,” a scientist said between anxious gasps.

  “One of them is Choppers and this guy with a hook for a hand. They’re tearing up the Playground,” another scientist said. “But they’re nothing compared to the woman. There’s murder in her eyes—pure evil. We snuck out but everyone else is down there with them.”

  “You didn’t mention the other guy with them who was wearing the goofy costume,” the third scientist cried. “I saw them take him into the upgrade room. I think they’re trying to give him upgrades.”

  “There’s no need to worry about that,” Ms. Holiday said. “Benjamin will only upgrade kids.”

  “Albert’s ray gun could fix that,” Duncan said.

  Agent Brand’s face fell. “Ms. Holiday, suit up. I’m afraid we’ve been invaded.”

  Ms. Holiday raced off while Brand took the children through the tunnels that led to the Playground. They found chaos waiting. Tables were turned over, experiments were busted on the floor, and a hundred scientists in lab coats were bound and gagged.

  Brand took the gag out of one scientist’s mouth. “What’s happened?”

  “It was Choppers—”

  “Where is he?”

  “He put that guy in the suit in the upgrade chair and then he and the rest of them emptied out the processors from every computer,” the man said.

  “All right, you’re going to have to be patient. We’ve got a crisis on our hands and no time to untie you all. It’s best if you’re out of the way,” the agent said. Before he could give more orders, the door to the upgrade room opened and out came Albert Nesbitt.

  Duncan was shocked at what he saw. Albert’s entire body was covered in computer ports—for USB cables, FireWire adapters, and all manners of plugs, both foreign and domestic. Albert looked down at himself, perplexed.

  “What has happened to me?” he asked. “What kind of superpower is this?”

  The Benjamin orb floated around him. It made a series of chirps and then spoke. “Your body is a disaster, Albert. Nearly every physical quality a human being has is a tremendous weakness on you. Your muscles are like those of a kitten. Your skin and teeth are in bad shape. Your bones are truly overworked, and you are entirely too heavy. There isn’t enough nanobyte technology in the world for me to make the necessary changes. I was forced to improvise.”

  “Improvise?” Albert said. “You turned me into a monster!”

  “No. On the contrary, I gave you the tools to upgrade yourself. Every single one of the devices implanted in your body allows you to plug in technology and adapt it as your own.”

  “His upgrade is that he can upgrade?” Matilda said.

  Albert still seemed confused. “Show me.”

  The orb darted across the room and Albert followed, roughly pushing past the team, who stood dumbfounded, not sure what to do. It seemed best to just let Albert discover his abilities so they would have some ideas for how to fight him.

  Benjamin stopped at one of the experiment tables, on which sat a strange-looking pair of glasses. They were enormous, too big for a head, and they had a cable hanging from them that was plugged into a computer. “This is an early prototype for a device that allows the wearer to see through walls.”

  Duncan knew the glasses. He’d spoken to their creator, Dr. Monroe, many times.

  Albert unplugged them from the computer and fastened them into one of his own ports. Suddenly, his eyes glowed a bright green and he looked around the room with wonder. “I can see through everything. I can see the students walking on the floor above this room. Somebody lost a wallet behind this wall. It must have fallen when they were building the school. This is incredible. I have X-ray vision!”

  Albert rushed to another table. “What does this thing do?” he asked, grabbing what looked like a piston from an automobile off the table.

  “This is a device designed to increase the horsepower of any engine by a thousand.”

  Albert plugged it in, and again his eyes turned green. In moments he was running around the room at superspeed. “I’m like the Flash!”

  “Benjamin, maybe you don’t need to help him,” Jackson said nervously.

  “Oh, your little computer is under my control,” Albert sa
id, holding up his ray gun. He waved it in the air and then rushed to another table to snatch up another project and plug it in. “I can turn invisible!”

  “Albert, let’s slow down a little,” Duncan said. “You don’t know what a lot of those devices do and you might plug in the wrong thing.”

  Albert jumped out in front of Duncan. “Look at this,” he said as his big hands caught on fire. He waved them around in the air and laughed. The flames did not seem to bother him at all. “I’m a superhero! I’m really a superhero!”

  “All right, team,” Ruby shouted. “The more gadgets supercrazy plugs into himself, the more unstoppable he becomes. Let’s take him down!”

  Duncan watched his teammates leap into action. They surrounded Albert and took turns attacking him, but Albert’s new powers were already making him a formidable threat. The team was having very little success.

  I can’t just stand here, Duncan thought. The team needs Gluestick!

  Duncan snatched Benjamin out of the air and rushed to the upgrade room. He hoped he had enough time. When the door closed, he pushed a tiny button on the side of the orb and watched all its lights suddenly die. Then there was a hum and the ball chirped.

  “Rebooting,” Benjamin said.

  “Are you back, buddy?” Duncan said.

  “Affirmative. That man is not very nice.”

  “Yes, I agree, and we’ll take care of him, but first we have another thing to think about. I need my upgrades, and fast!”

  “I’ll give you express service, Gluestick!”

  The chair rose out of the floor and Duncan hopped into it. His arms and legs were strapped down and the lasers began scanning his body. Duncan closed his eyes, feeling the tiny computers swarming through his bloodstream. He could literally feel them clinging to the sides of his veins, swirling beneath his skin, and shuffling across his bones. He could also hear a tremendous crash outside.

  “Just one more moment,” Benjamin buzzed.

  There was a horrible explosion. It sounded as if the roof had collapsed. Waiting for the upgrade process was excruciating.