Coming Up for Air

by Amanda Meuwissen

  “It is all right,” Tolly assured him, wrapping his arms around Leigh’s neck. “I am sorry your father and many of those around you were as awful as my kin were to me. I am especially sorry for how much it wounded your heart. I long only to heal it.”

  “You have.” Leigh lifted his hands to touch Tolly’s wrists. “You did. Literally,” he said with a chuckle, drawing one of Tolly’s hands down to rest over his healed wound.

  “Yes. But… maybe someday you could say the words?” Tolly asked, and just as quickly Leigh’s good humor died.

  “I don’t want you counting on that. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

  “You could never. You could never disappoint me.” He pressed forward to kiss Leigh’s lips once more. “It is all right. It will be all right. If you cannot say it, then let us show our love. Let me show you how much you mean to me.”

  While I still can.

  Tolly pulled Leigh to the bedroom, intent on pouring all his love into his acts, knowing that sharing this with Leigh and reveling in his warmth, his body, his kind heart, had a time limit. Telling Leigh the truth, showing him his true form, would not be what pushed him to say the words. If anything, it would be what caused Leigh to remember him with hatred once he was gone. Tolly wanted his remaining days with Leigh to pass sweetly. He also wanted to know that Leigh would be well even if he was not around to protect him. He wanted Leigh to have his heart’s desire, even if that did not include Tolly.

  And, after they had taken their pleasure in each other and Tolly lay awake while Leigh slept, he thought he might know a way.

  In the morning, he texted Alvin.

  LEIGH HAD never been as close to death as he was when that bullet pierced his chest, not even when he had been sinking to the bottom of the river, sure to drown. Still, in both cases, Tolly had been there to save him. Leigh wished he could give Tolly the one thing he wanted and say the words, but he needed time. They hadn’t even known each other a month. While Leigh might feel it, strange and wonderful as it was, he was not ready to push aside every hang-up he had ever had unless he could do so honestly.

  Tolly said it was fine, that he was happy enough simply being with Leigh, but Leigh could tell as the days passed that Tolly seemed quieter, like he was pulling away. He even went out without Leigh a few times, to see Alvin about something he wouldn’t tell him the details of.

  It was the little things that Leigh could not explain that worried him most.

  “Did you change the sheets?”

  “Yes, I… like these better.”

  Not to mention the hesitation Tolly showed when they touched, like he feared he might hurt Leigh when he had never worried about that before.

  Once, when Leigh surprised Tolly, grabbing his hand from behind, he pulled back with a start from a cut on his palm. “Shit. Those sharp nails of yours again, huh?”

  Tolly looked dismayed, apologizing profusely, but he wouldn’t explain why he was so alarmed.

  Finally, after more than a week had passed and Leigh was out at a job interview, trying to find something to make ends meet before he ran out of stashed cash and the next rent check was due, he came home to find a stack of papers on the kitchen counter.

  It took him a moment to understand what he was looking at, but it was a loan for Tolly Allen signed over to Leigh, everything he needed to get started with a business, as well as the beginning paperwork to purchase the building, though that would take longer, more than Tolly would have been able to accomplish in so short a time, even with Alvin’s help, which was obviously how they had accomplished this.

  Tolly could be made to look like a perfect candidate with flawless credit and everything a bank could want, because there were no records to say otherwise, even if the records anyone would find would be falsified. They’d gotten everything in motion to surprise him.

  His eyes felt hot in gratitude, but before he could call out to Tolly, who hadn’t yet appeared at his arrival, he lifted the last of the papers to find a note at the bottom of the stack in Tolly’s flowing handwriting.

  My beloved Leigh—

  I wish things could have been different, but with this, I hope you can finally live the life you want for yourself and remember me fondly. All I ever wanted was your happiness. Please know you gave me much in return.

  Forgive me.

  -Tolly

  “What…?”

  Leigh heard the creak of the floor and stepped out of the kitchen to see Tolly setting a pile of neatly folded clothing on the sofa, wearing only his simplest outfit, jeans and a red T-shirt, as if leaving all else behind and ready to walk out the door. He startled when he saw Leigh.

  “What is this?” Leigh lifted the note. “You’re leaving?”

  “I hoped to be gone before you returned.” Tolly glanced away. “I must go before the sun gets any closer to setting.”

  “Why? Tolly.” Leigh crossed to him and hated how Tolly backed away. “What did I do? What changed? I thought you were mine and I’m yours, and you weren’t even going to say goodbye? How can you leave?”

  “I do not want to leave.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “You wish for me to stay?” Tolly looked at him plaintively.

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then tell me.”

  “Stay.” Leigh threw the note on the pile of Tolly’s clothes and grasped his hands. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it. I’ll give you everything you want. You got me the shop, got me out of the life so I can run it like an honest man. You’ve made everything in my life better since the moment you entered it.” Seeing the fond smile grow on Tolly’s face, Leigh reached for his cheek and held it. “You’re beautiful and warm like a light in the worst pits of this world when I don’t think I can stand the dark anymore. You like my cooking and all my favorite movies.” He laughed, and Tolly’s smile twitched wider. “You love my friends. You’re part of my family. I never want to be away from you. Ever.”

  Tolly nuzzled his cheek against Leigh’s hand. “I love you, Leigh,” he said with questioning in his eyes, enough that Leigh’s heart hardened.

  “That’s what this is about, isn’t it?” He drew his hands away, and with his retreat, Tolly’s smile fell and he backed up before seeming to realize that he would have to go forward to get to the door.

  “I have to go,” he said, trying to move past Leigh.

  “I thought….” Leigh clutched after him, catching his wrist. “You… you said it didn’t matter. But it does. If you can’t want me the same way without it—”

  “I want you,” Tolly said to the door. “I will always want you. That is not the problem.”

  “Then what is? Why is it so important? Why are you leaving?”

  “Because I am out of time.”

  As if on cue, the room darkened with the setting of the sun, and Tolly spun, eyes bulging wide in worse fear than Leigh had ever seen. “No… I have to go.” He tugged for Leigh to release him, but that only prompted Leigh to hang on tighter.

  “Why? What is going on? Tell me!”

  Tolly fought him, struggling as if Leigh’s touch burned his skin, but Leigh wouldn’t let go without an explanation, and because he wouldn’t release him, Tolly reared back and pushed him so hard, he flew across the room with an oomph as he struck the ground, winded.

  Looking at him in shock and apology, Tolly spun about to sprint for the door at last, but before he reached it, he cried out in such agony, Leigh thought he’d missed a gunshot ring out.

  Tolly stumbled, pawing at the door, but he couldn’t stay upright, his legs like jelly, losing their purchase. He dove for the kitchen instead.

  “Tolly!”

  “No! You must not see!” He disappeared from view like he was going to be sick in the kitchen sink, though Leigh was certain he saw him falter as he crossed the threshold, stumbling forward as his legs gave way beneath him.

  “Tolly!” he cried again, lurching up to give chase, not understanding why Tolly would ever run from him.
r />   Then he turned the corner.

  And his nightmare lay on the kitchen floor.

  Chapter 14

  “NO….”

  Leigh retreated, fear paralyzing him before he could get farther than the kitchen door, causing him to sink down on the other side of the wall, trembling and trying to shake the vision away.

  “It’s not real, it’s not real….”

  But it had looked so tangible, the monster with Tolly’s fin, deep bloodred with dark red hair, pointed ears, webbed hands with claws twice the length of its fingers, large black, empty eyes, and a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. It had writhed on the kitchen floor like it was seconds from crawling after Leigh to swallow him whole, and still, he could do nothing more than squeeze his eyes shut.

  “Wake up,” he hissed at himself. “It’s not real.”

  “I am so sorry,” came a whimper, too close, as if right in Leigh’s ear. “I never wanted you to see me like this.”

  “Tolly?” Leigh forced his eyes open, because either he was losing his mind or the monster was real and Tolly was in the kitchen with it.

  He couldn’t be as close as he sounded, though. Still, Leigh inched forward to peer around the edge of the doorway to be sure.

  The monster was there, only the monster, yet it wasn’t any closer. It was turned away from him, fin stretched in his direction but face turned toward the wall. Its shoulders seemed to be shaking like it was… crying?

  “I did not mean to lie, to keep this from you, but I never wanted you to look on me with such dread.”

  “Tolly…?” Leigh repeated, unable to understand, especially with Tolly’s voice ringing in his ears. “How? I don’t understand. What… what happened?”

  “I failed. The spell is broken. I do not get to keep my legs or the form I made for you.”

  Made for….

  All at once, the nightmare parted like a curtain, and Leigh was left looking at the truth. Tolly could not be speaking from anywhere but the figure in front of him.

  “This is what you really look like,” Leigh said and felt so foolish for not understanding sooner. “It was you. It was always you. Because of our connection, I…. Tolly,” Leigh called as he crawled around the tattered remains of clothing toward the frightening form on his kitchen floor, “look at me.”

  Only after several moments did Tolly obey with a slow turn of his head, and while Leigh shrank back at first, he told himself to stay strong, because those eyes, black as they were, were not empty. There was love and sorrow, and Tolly was crying.

  “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Leigh was afraid, he was, but this was Tolly. He had all the features of the monster, but he was still Tolly; it was still his face somehow beneath the rest. Leigh didn’t want to be afraid, so he reached out to hold Tolly’s cheek like he had in the living room, and Tolly started to reach up and touch his hand in turn before he remembered his claws.

  He opened his mouth as if to speak around his many teeth, but a mournful cry sounded instead, like something from deep in the ocean.

  “You can’t speak like this, can you? That’s why you sounded so close. That’s why I didn’t remember your mouth opening when I first heard your song. I was hearing you in my head.”

  Tolly pressed his cheek to Leigh’s hand since he did not dare touch him with his claws. We have no need for voices underwater. Tolly spoke without his lips moving. The face you saw was your ideal, part of our magic to entrance potential prey. When I chose to step out of the water, that was the form I took.

  “It was an illusion,” Leigh said. “But I don’t understand. What failed? Why don’t you get to keep your legs? What did I do wrong?”

  There was such depth of emotion in the red face and black eyes. You did nothing wrong. You simply do not love me.

  “What?” Leigh gripped Tolly’s face more fervently. “What are you talking about?”

  I could not tell you the details of the spell, the magic prevented it, but to keep my human form and my gentler merfolk form, I had to secure a vow of love from the one I left the water for. You did not offer such a vow and now my time is up. I had only until the next full moon, risen now outside with the sunset. I am so sorry I could not tell you. I am sorry for what I might have told you but was too afraid to.

  “Vow? You mean because I couldn’t say the words?” Leigh felt his heart break as he must have broken Tolly’s, all because of three words left unspoken. “I don’t say it, I never say it, but I… I love you, Tolly. Of course I love you. I love everything about you.” Leigh pressed his forehead to Tolly’s, however frightening he might have once found him, and Tolly gasped in his mind to hear it finally.

  Even though you see me as I am? Ugly and terrible?

  How did Leigh keep ruining everything, that Tolly could ever believe that? Now that Leigh had pushed past his fear, knowing that the creature he’d thought would devour him was simply Tolly in another form, he saw how beautiful it was in its own way.

  “You’re fierce, and I was afraid, but you could never be ugly to me. I still see you. This is still you. And I love you. I love you.” He pressed his forehead to Tolly’s again for want of a kiss he wasn’t sure he could risk with those fangs, but this was enough. Tolly was enough.

  It is too late. Another mournful cry left Tolly’s mouth. The spell is already broken. I must return to the water to accept retribution.

  “Retribution?” Leigh snapped back.

  My kin will come to slay me now that I have failed, drawn to me from the trail of broken magic no matter what body of water I inhabit.

  “What?” Leigh realized the horror of what his insecurities had caused and couldn’t accept it. “No. I won’t let that happen. We just… won’t put you back in the water.”

  I must return to the water. With my legs, it was not as dire. I could have gone days without submerging. But in my true form, I will not last long before I perish. I can already feel myself weakening. If I do not return, they will know me dead on land; if I do, they will slay me.

  No, Leigh couldn’t let them win and take Tolly away from him. “We’ll… put you in the tub. You said all water is connected because of your magic, but the tub would be too small. They can’t get you there.”

  It would not be large enough for me. I must be fully submerged as often as possible.

  “The pool, then!” Leigh grasped at whatever options he could think of. “It’s not a real body of water. Maybe they can’t reach you there either.”

  I… I do not know. I had never attempted to connect to a pool before. But even so, it would not be a long-term solution. I cannot stay in the pool forever. Other humans would find me, see me, and they would not be as understanding.

  They’d kill Tolly the second they got a look at him.

  “There has to be something we can do,” Leigh said, still stroking Tolly’s face and holding him close. “I can’t lose you just because I was too messed up to say the words.”

  Tolly smiled, and even with his fangs, it was somehow sweet. To be loved by you is all I ever wanted. It is enough.

  “No, no, I can’t accept losing you. I’m going to take you to the pool and we’re going to figure something out. There has to be something.”

  He tried to gather Tolly in his arms before realizing he couldn’t risk carrying him down to the pool like that, visible for everyone to see. He hurried to grab the sheets from his bed, and Tolly told him to look in the back of the closet.

  The old sheets were there, bundled into a ball. As Leigh unfurled them, he saw slash marks as if from… claws. That’s why Tolly had been pulling away from him all week; he was succumbing to his more fearsome form, and he hadn’t believed Leigh could handle the truth.

  Leigh almost hadn’t.

  But it didn’t matter now. Tolly was Tolly, and Leigh would not let him go. He bundled him in the sheets and lifted him, struggling with how much heavier he was with his tail, but he could manage. He made it to the pool without anyone seeing him, locked the door, and carefully set Tolly
in the water.

  He was still beautiful, the way he swam, the glitter of red and gold, the extra spots of darker red all over his body like freckles. Leigh felt silly for having ever thought this creature could be scary. He was dangerous, he was everything Tolly said his kin could be, but he had gentleness in him that belied any ferocity.

  The pool was as clear as it had ever been after Sweeney’s men cleaned it last week. Leigh took off his shoes and socks like usual, rolled up his jeans, and sat on the edge to dangle his feet in the water.

  You are not angry with me for lying? Tolly asked before long.

  “After the way I talked about the ‘monster’ in my head, of course you couldn’t tell me. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter now.”

  Tolly nodded. The red hair was becoming on him, but more Little Mermaid red than anything natural, so black made sense for his other forms, rather than ginger or looking like some punk with a dye job.

  Alvin knows, Tolly said. He saw most of this form after that man shot you. I got rather… angry.

  That’s why they’d had their hushed conversation, and why Alvin was the one Tolly had turned to this past week. “He still hugged you. He loves you, Tolly. Any of them still would if they knew the truth, because they know you.”

  Again, a sweet, fanged smile replied. Although Tolly had to disappear beneath the water every so often, he always came back up. It was not you who failed. We were given such terrible odds to face. When I am gone, promise me you will still open the shop and live the life you want.

  “You’re not going anywhere,” Leigh said. “There has to be a shelf life for this. If you don’t die on land and they can’t find you, there has to be a reset button so you can step out of the water again, and this time I’ll say it. I’ll say it every day. I thought it would sound broken because I’m broken. I didn’t want you to hear it like that when you deserve better. But saying it… saying it to you feels different than I expected. I love you, Tolly. I’m sorry.”