by Izzy Hodder
“Oh Lily…” I tried to think of a valid excuse.
“No excuses,” said Lily before I could. “I feel like I’m losing you and Tara and she agreed to come and she’s the harder one,” she laughed, “so were having a re-bonding night whether you like it or not.”
I sighed. “Of course, I’ll be there,” I said, “and don’t worry Lily, you’re not losing us. I think we’re all just a bit stressed probably.”
“Yeah you’re right, alright Amy, goodnight and I hope you sleep well and don’t need to pee too much,” she laughed before hanging up. I knew avoidance was not something I could do forever, especially after today, but right now; it was the only think I knew how to do.
Chapter 11
It was Friday night and the three of us were sitting on Lily’s bed. Surrounded by untouched food and drink; luckily Lily hadn’t really noticed yet.
“So, I’ve been thinking and I don’t want to be a virgin going into college,” said Lily out of nowhere.
“What?” I blurted out and reached for a handful of M&M’s, my favourite.
“Well I just don’t, I mean I don’t want to just do it with anyone but I mean I want to get it done.”
Tara was nodding. “I know what you mean, but I don’t actually feel the need to have it done. Everyone thinks I have anyways,” she shrugged. It was true, Tara was so confident and boys were always after her so everyone just presumed she had it done a long time ago. Even a part of me always thought maybe she just had and never told me. After Luke and I did it though I knew she hadn’t, she would have told me then. If we could share anything we did.
“Yeah, so true but see everyone knows I’m innocent, so everyone just has this presumed idea of me. I mean I don’t want people to know about me having sex but I want to, I don’t know, I want to do it for myself. So I know.”
“It’s a big step thought Lily I mean are you sure?” I was just now hyper cautious of the aftermaths of it rather than the doing.
“Well just don’t get pregnant,” laughed Tara. I froze. “But you know what Lily, I think your right. After all it’s your life, you take control and decide what you want to do eh, don’t let the boys decide or society decide right?”
Tara, like us all, was a real feminist but she was the best at making us realise our worth and pushing the boundaries of what we deemed normal when really anything was normal and society just put us into boxes.
Lily nodded and sipped her drink. “I’ve decided to take things into my own hands,” said Tara. I froze, was she about to talk about it…
Lily looked her intently too, she was dying to know what was going on I knew.
Tara looked at me. “I’ve decided to start acting again,” she said simply. I hadn’t realised I was holding my breath until she said this and I let it out. Why was I so worried about Tara telling her secret? Did I think it meant I was an even worse person for not telling mine? Was my secret only okay because I knew others were also keeping ones or did I just not want to feel so alone in keeping secrets; did I want to know there were others like me.
“Ah Tara that’s so brilliant!” cried Lily, jumping up on the bed.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I know I did want medicine but it’s just not me at the moment and ever since I quit two years ago I’ve always wanted to go back!” said Tara, grinning from ear to ear.
“Aw Tara I’m so happy for you, this is brilliant. Are you going to go back to your old theatre group?” I asked.
“No, I actually got accepted to a really good one in west end. I went for an interview last weekend and they accepted me!” she squeaked out the last bit with excitement.
“Oh Tara this is so great! Time to celebrate! I made us cake earlier because you know why not!” said Lily. Tara’s face dropped.
“Oh I’m so full,” I started
“Okay, ooh Mum’s got some bottles of champagne left over from her book club last night; shall I sneak them up?”
It was my faces turn to fall. This was going to be a tricky night, time for some more lies.
“Antibiotics,” I said, pointing vaguely to my below area.
“Huh?” asked Tara.
Here we go again I thought and I launched into my UTI story, lies were very messy indeed.
Chapter 12
April
I was back in Dr Fosters; this time it was Luke sitting by my side and not my mum. That felt weird, but I guess weird was the most common emotion I felt these days. I was becoming super conscience that I was going to start showing.
“Seeing as you’ve such a small frame Amy, you don’t appear to be showing at all, but don’t worry everything is going fine and the baby is healthy! Now in a week or two we can do a scan to find out the baby’s sex; if of course you want to?”
I looked at Luke. “I think we’ve had enough surprises,” he said, smiling at me. Dr Foster smiled, she liked him. Everyone did; it was actually very annoying. I pushed the thought to things to think about later. Put it persisted, he was so eager about the baby and the amazing future it was going to have, our parents had started to admire his determination. I don’t know why but his joy and eagerness was really starting to bug me.
“Yeah, Luke’s right,” I agreed, ignoring my negative thoughts. “I don’t want anything extra to worry about or think about.”
“Okay perfect, well then at the end of the month we will have the scan; until then just keep taking your vitamins, eating healthy and try and do some light exercise daily okay?”
I nodded. I was sick of hearing what I should be doing but I smiled because Dr Foster was kind and I was just tired.
“Yeah, we’ve been trying right Amy?” said Luke.
“Uh huh,” I said, getting ready to leave.
“Is there any more we can, just to make sure the baby is as healthy as possible?” he asked.
“Luke, we’re fine,” I said, god why did he try so hard to be perfect at everything.
Dr Foster could see my patience was on the verge. “I think Amy’s doing very well,” she said.
“So there’s nothing more we could be doing? Is there like classes or something?” asked Luke, I was ready to shout at him.
“Your baby is progressing perfectly,” said Dr Foster calmly looking at me.
“See Luke,” I snapped. “We’ll have a perfect baby; just like you. Now let’s go,” I opened the door and walked out.
“Sorry about that,” I heard Luke say to Dr Foster which obviously only made me madder. “She’s coping with a lot, I need to be better,” he continued, which of course was such a kind thing to say but at this moment in time it only pissed me off even more. I walked out into the street.
“Amy, wait up,” shouted Luke after me outside.
I spun around. “You don’t need to apologise for me you know? I don’t need you to look after me, I’m fine. The baby’s fine so quit it,” I said continuing to walk.
“Amy what’s going on? Do you feel sick? Should we go back to the doctors?” He put his hand on my forehead. “Your hot and you don’t look good, are you sure you don’t feel sick?”
I lost it. “I don’t feel sick Luke I’m pregnant, and I don’t look good because I…” I started speaking slowly, “I am pregnant, I’m fucking pregnant!!!” I burst into tears and Luke tried to wrap his arm around me.
“Just leave me alone,” I said and I walked away, I didn’t look back.
The First Time Luke and I Fought
“But you could do amazing things Amy?” Luke had said about six months earlier when we were filling out our UCAS applications at his house.
“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely not knowing.
“Well you know, you’re a really smart girl, there’ll be a lot of not smart people on your course,” he said awkwardly.
“Luke, just because it doesn’t require many points doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, being a nurse isn’t easy,” I said blandly. What we wanted to do in the future had never posed a major topic in our conversations,
now at this time in our lives; it was almost all we spoke about.
“Yeah, yeah I get that; but do you not want to do more than say change an old person’s diaper or take some little kids blood?” he asked.
I looked up at him. “Did you seriously just say that? Honestly Luke it’s so much more than that,” I said, sounding angry with him for the first time ever.
“Look don’t get angry, it’s only because I want what’s best for you, you know that right? And I just believe in you so much that I know you’re going to make such a difference in this world. I don’t want you to settle,” he said softly.
I knew where he was coming from, and in a way he was right. I was smart but often tests didn’t suit me or I didn’t suit them; whichever it was they weren’t a reflection of me. Luke knew I was anxious about never achieving enough, so I didn’t really push myself too he was right. But I wanted to be a nurse.
“I want to help people Luke, in a small way. I don’t need my name to be known half way around the world. I can make an impact in a smile, or a conversation or just a hand to hold.” My voice was getting louder, “and if that isn’t good enough for you then that’s your problem.”
“Whoa Amy, chill,” he said, his voice harsher than ever, “I just think you can be better, do better I don’t know, leave the nursing jobs to people who can’t actually do anything else.”
I stood up, gathering my forms. “I’m going,” I said briskly, “call me when you’ve grown up if you ever do.” I walked out the door.
“Jesus Christ Amy!” Luke shouted after me, “You don’t need to be such a moody bitch.”
I slammed the door behind me.
That night Luke called me,
“I needed to grow up; I’m really sorry.”
I stayed silent on the other end of the line.
“You’re going to be amazing in whatever you do; and your right, a nurse is so much more than what I said. Very few can make a good one but I know you will. I’m so sorry; I love you.”
“Will you help me write my personal statement tomorrow then?” I asked cheekily.
“There’s nothing I’d love more,” he said.
“Okay,” I said, smiling.
“Get your sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Love you,” I said.
“I love you too and Amy?” said Luke
“Yeah.”
“Let’s never fight again, not even a little okay.”
“Okay,” I said.
“You promise?” he asked,
“Promise,” I said before hanging up.
And we never did break our promise.
I arrived home in a terrible mood, and when I walked in it didn’t help that Mum and Dad were literally hopping in the kitchen, they wanted to know every update on the baby and every last detail of the appointment. I wouldn’t call it excitement; I think they just wanted to feel more in control but where had all this eagerness come from I thought as they fired questions at me. When did baby go from being the absolute end of the world to something they were now actually concerned about? And more importantly why did I feel so weird about the whole damn thing.
“It was fine,” I said, “no news.”
“Oh but there must be news; how was Dr Foster and how did Luke get on, he didn’t freak out did he?” asked Mum.
“And is it healthy and good and are you healthy? Do we need to get more iron in your diet? Or is that right, I forget?” said Dad, looking confused.
“Everything’s fine I said, we don’t need any more iron or whatever the hell it is,” I snapped, sitting down at the table and resting my hands in my head. I was just so tired. I wished everyone could shut up about the stupid baby.
“Amy, that’s no way to speak to us; what’s going on, is everything alright?” asked Dad sitting down opposite me.
“I am fine,” I said, “I just want to stop talking about the baby okay.”
“Well Amy; it is happening. This is the way your life is going to be now. You made this choice remember,” said Mum, no sympathy in her voice.
“I know that mum but…”
“No buts Amy, this is it. We’re trying our hardest to do what’s right and all you’re doing is giving us lip,” said Dad sternly. So as you can guess, for the second time that day I lost it and I shouted them.
“All you care about now is the stupid baby that isn’t even real yet, it’s not that exciting okay? It’s just a thing that’s happening, it doesn’t need to take over our lives right? I’m going to my room.” I walked away before they could intervene and I just fell into my bed. It was six p.m. and I slept until eight the next morning. Maybe I was just really tired right? Things would be better at school.
Luke walked straight past me in the hallway. Not even glancing my way.
“What was that?” asked Tara outright once he was past us. I shrugged my shoulders. Speaking meant more lying and I just didn’t have the imagination anymore. Pretending to need to pee so often had really drained me that week.
“Amy, what’s going on?’ asked Lily, looking concerned.”Do you need us to talk to him?"
“What?” I snapped, “I don’t need you to do anything.”
They both looked shocked, I never raised my voice.
“Sorry, I’m so sorry I’m just tried and Luke, he’s just stressed over exams; we’ll be fine once they ease off.”
“Don’t worry about it Amy, everyone’s at their breaking points.”
“Well,” smiled Lily, “I’ve got something that will take all your minds off boy drama and stress!”
Both Tara and I rolled our eyes, here we go again. Another one of Lily’s infamous plans.
“So this Saturday; Mum and Dad are gone away so you know what that means!” she said.
“A party?” asked Tara, excitedly. Tara loved a party; like she never ever missed one. One time she broke her leg the day before and she still made it to Luke’s 16th.
“Yes, of course and let’s make it a big one, Friday night so we have all day Saturday to clean up,” Lily was super excited. “What you think Amy? Are you in?”
I had planned on going looking for Crystal this weekend, she wasn’t retuning any of my calls and she hadn’t been at our group in weeks, Deborah had no idea where she was. But I could hardly say that to the girls and not going was going to be harder to explain than going.
“Of course,” I smiled, “that’s exactly what we need; a good party.”
“Great, well I’ll make an event tonight, invite everyone,” said Lily just as the bell rang and we all went our separate ways. Luke didn’t sit beside me like he normally did in geography. I tried to not let it get to me; I was after all still mad at him wasn’t I?
The next few days went by so slow. Not talking to Luke was a lot harder than anticipated and being at home was treacherous, everyone was on the verge of snapping so no one spoke. Mum and Dad’s weird rush of excitement or anticipation over the baby had left just as quickly as it came. I didn’t know if this was good or bad. Bizarrely, I was looking forward to Lily’s; at least it would be a few hours of distraction.
I was sitting down with the girls for lunch on Friday when Luke came over to me. He didn’t look happy, or apologetic; not that I expected either. I had been the bitch.
“Can you talk?” he asked roughly.
“Hi Luke,” said Tara chirpily, good old Tara.
“Hey,” he said barely looking at her or Lily, his eyes fixated on mine.
I nodded and got up. Lily squeezed my hand quickly as I walked by her. Luke brought me to outside his locker.
“Amy, what the hell was the other day about? I’ve been literally too angry to talk to you but we have,” he lowered his voice, “a baby coming; we need to be mature.”
I thought for a moment. “Do we?” I asked, “I mean we are only seventeen, why do we have to be mature?” My voice was getting louder, “why do we have to be happy and mature and excited huh? Who says what the right way to act is? I want to be young and stupid; I don’
t want to be mature.” I crossed my arms over my chest defiantly. Luke looked at me like he didn’t know who I was.
He whispered aggressively, “Amy, you’re pregnant! And I love you to bits and I want to make this work but you’re losing it.”
I took a step back. “I’m losing it? I asked, laughing,”I’m not the one who wants to pick out outfits or names, I mean what? Have you forgotten that this isn’t the best thing in the world? Have you forgotten you had a life to live, dreams to fulfil?"
“No Amy, stop it.” Luke almost shouted and a few people heard us. Luke looked around.
“Just stop it, I’m trying my best,” he said softly. “I’ll see you later,” he said and he walked away. People whispered around us. I walked quickly past them and back to Lily and Tara.
They looked at me anxiously.
“We’ll be okay,” I said, smiling weakly, “small drama. Let’s not dwell on it, what’s the plan for tonight then?” I asked.
Lily, ever the party planner, was happy to launch into the details of how many she was expecting (over a hundred had clicked going) and how she had pre ordered pizza and told everyone to bring their own drink.
“Run home and get clothes after school and then come to mine afterwards, we can set up and have ourselves a little pre party.”
Tara made a whoop sound. “It’s not dressy is it?” I asked, thinking of what I’d look like in a tight black dress.
“Wear your lace black dress that always looks good,” said Tara, mind reader, I thought.
“It tore,” I lied quickly but continued talking so I didn’t have to think up how. “I might just wear jeans tonight. I’m feeling I’m going to want to eat a lot of pizza.”
Lily laughed, “go for it, you always look good casual anyways, and don’t worry there will be plenty of pizza.”
The bell rang for last class.
“See you all at mine,” Lily said and we all walked off.
Chapter 13
“Lily’s drunk,” whispered Tara furiously to me as I walked into Lily’s house. I was a bit later than I’d said I’d be but it was only eight o’clock.