by Izzy Hodder
“What?” I mouthed to Tara, there was only a few of our closer group milling around in the kitchen.
Tara was about to speak when there was a loud high pitched squeal from upstairs.
“AMMMMYYYYYYY…” cried Lily, stumbling down, “MY best BEST friend; oh my god don’t worry Tara,” she wrapper her arms floppingly around the two of us. “You are BOTH my bestest friends in the entire world,” she was stuttering, “even… Even if YOU LIE hahahahaha,” she laughed hysterically and pulled us out to arm’s length. I exchanged a look with Tara.
“Oh my god I’m kidding, I love you guys like so, so, so a lot and much and let me get you a drink and,” she started jumping up and down happily.
Tara looked so angry, I grabbed Lily’s arm, “shall we go upstairs and I’ll get you some water Lil,” I said; trying to stay calm.
“Why don’t you trust me?” she asked suddenly, her mood changing.
“Ehm, what?” I said slowly, looking to Tara.
“Lily, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re drunk and people are about to arrive okay.”
Lily laughed. “Guys I’m joking, I love you so much let’s go upstairs and I’ll tell you all about my ‘hehe’ PLAN,” she pulled us upstairs after her. From the corner of my eye I spotted Luke talking to Sam in the kitchen. I didn’t think they’d be here already, we made eye contact and he looked as though he was about to leave Sam and walk towards me, but Lily yanked my hand and they were out of sight.
Lily and Her Drink and Why I’m Probably a Terrible Person
When Lily and I first became friends she didn’t drink. We were only fifteen but by the time we were sixteen she had called me and Tara on numerous occasions, drunk and alone. It was so out of her character and no one but us knew about it which is why her getting publicly drunk at a party was so bizarre to us. Neither of us understood Lily’s drinking; until one night.
My phone rang; I was over at Luke’s on a Saturday night, we were nearing the end of our second last year in school.
“Who is it?” he asked, we were watching a movie.
“Just Lily,” I said, I ignored it and sent her a text saying I would call her later but my phone kept buzzing.
“I’d better take this,” I said to Luke, who nodded as I stepped out into the hall.
“Lily,” I said once she picked up.
“Is, is that YOU?” she asked before bursting into tears.
“Lily what’s going on? We need to –” I knew she was drunk immediately, this was getting tiring but she was my best friend. I needed to help her.
“I need you,” she whispered quietly.
“I’m coming,” I said and hung up. I was ready to get to the bottom of what was going on with Lily.
I left Luke in a hurry, telling him there was girl drama. I rode his bike over to Lily’s. She was one of those lucky few Londoners who lived in a mansion of a house. I parked my bike around the back and let myself in.
Lily was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a glass of red wine. I sat down beside her.
“I need to stop,” she said, she was still drunk but her words were perfect.
“What’s going on Lily?” I asked.
“It’s Kirsten,” she said slowly, Kirsten was Lily’s older sister; she’d left for university in Aberdeen.
“Is she alright?” I asked.
“She, she was in an accident,” said Lily.
I was confused; Lily had started drinking like this about four months ago; how was this connected?
“She took drugs, at a party one night and she was missing for two days.” Lily took a deep breath, “when the police found her she was all battered and bruised and her clothes…they were all torn.”
“Oh my god Lily, that’s terrible. Why didn’t she come home? Is she alright now?” I asked.
“They took her to hospital, Mum and Dad went over… they wouldn’t let me go,” a tear rolled down her face, “they were so ashamed Amy. They blamed her because she took the drugs they thought it was all her fault. It wasn’t.”
I nodded, “of course it wasn’t.”
“She’s in a private hospital over there now, what happened to her caused some major mental health issues I think. They barely visit her and they lie to everyone about where she is, they hate to admit that their perfect girl isn’t so perfect anymore. I don’t want to be perfect Amy; if that’s the price I pay,” Lily’s voice rose and she threw her empty wine glass at the wall.
I stood up and walked over to her and pulled her up into my arms. I didn’t know what to do.
“So that’s why,” I said, referring to her drinking.
“That’s why. I wanted them to think I wasn’t so perfect either, so maybe they’d start to love Kirsten again…” She paused for breath, “but they don’t even notice Amy. They’re never home much anymore. They don’t even notice,” she shouted.
“It’s okay,” I said softly, “you’ve got me and Tara; we will help you. You don’t need to do this anymore; there are other ways.”
“I know,” she said, looking down, “do you want to stay the night?”
“Sure,” I said, smiling.
A few hours later, Lily was sobered up and we were sitting watching movies and eating food. She’d told me all about Kirsten’s situation and it was awful how terribly it had affected her.
We went to bed nattering away and she promised to never drink like that again.
I was just about to fall asleep when she whispered my name
“Amy,” I let out a noise but I don’t think she heard me.
“There’s another thing,” she whispered so softly I could barely hear her, “I’ve always been kind of in love with Luke.”
I froze under my duvets. She couldn’t still be drunk I thought to myself.
“I’m sorry,” she continued quietly, “but before you even moved here I was. I tried to tell you; in the early days but you got closer to him quicker than you got closer to me…”
I stayed perfectly still. This couldn’t be happening, she was my best friend and she was going through an awful time. I should say something shouldn’t I? But what could I say, I loved Luke and despite knowing that my friends were more important I still loved him too much.
“It’s okay though, I think I’m over it. I mean I see you two together all the time. I’m so over it’ she turned over in her bed.”I think," she said.
I pretend to be asleep.
The next morning when we were eating breakfast Lily said she was sorry for any drunken thoughts she had late last night.
“Don’t worry, I fell asleep pretty quick,” I lied.
“I’m going to stop drinking I swear and please don’t say anything to anyone about Kirsten, I’ll tell Tara but no one else.”
I nodded, “Of course.”
“Thanks Amy,” she said smiling.
And she never did drink like that again; only occasionally on a night out and never alone. We never spoke about the times she did and we rarely mentioned Kirsten. In every relationship there are a lot of unwritten rules and unspoken of secrets. People are more complicated than you’d ever guess.
Luke was never mentioned like that again either, and in my mind I pretended it never happened because if I acknowledged that perhaps I had ignored warning signs of her fondness for Luke then wasn’t I a part of the reason she started to drink. If I admitted I heard her, wasn’t I a terrible friend to the girl who showed me kindness when barely anyone did?
“Two words,” said Lily; swaying around the upstairs bathroom; both Tara and I were sitting in the tub. We hadn’t seen or heard her this drunk in ages.
“Go on,” said Tara impatiently.
“Joshua Jules,” said Lily and slugged back the glass of water we had given her.
“Cute Joshua?” I asked, “In the year below us?”
Lily nodded eagerly.
“Oh no,” said Tara, “not for?”
Lily nodded, even more eager than before. I; however was still confused.
“What?” I asked.
“S E X,” spelled out Lily and laughed but I could see she wasn’t as drunk as she had been before. “I need more vodka,” she said quickly, the same fact dawning on her.
“Oh,” I said.
“Well he is cute, but he is also young,” pointed out Tara, getting into the plan now.
“Yes true but that’s good I think,” said Lily, suddenly sober, “it means he’s most likely a VIRGIN yayyyy,” she yelled the last bit. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Shhh,” said Tara giggling.
“You want a virgin?” I asked.
“Yes, that way,” she paused for effect, “we both will be awful!”
The three of us burst out laughing as Lily did a little dance. I guess she deserved to have a fun night and do whatever it was she wanted. She’d been working hard and she was feeling isolated, I thought.
“You go for it, tonight?” asked Tara.
“TONIGHT IS GONNA BE A NIGHT… TO REMEMBER,” sang Lily at the top of her lungs. Suddenly there was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Amy,” said a boy’s voice from outside. I hopped out of the tub, Tara did too.
“Luke,” I said, unlocking the door.
“Hey, can we talk?” he took in Lily and Tara, “hey guys.”
“Sure, ehm…”
“Let’s go greet our guests,” cried Lily grabbing Tara and pulling her with her.
“Come on in, welcome to my home.” I joked once they’d left, beckoning Luke into the bathroom. It was time to set things straight. Luke was right, I was being childish.
“I’m sorry,” I started but Luke’s face told me I should go no further.
“You’re sorry,” he laughed, “hah, Amy I think it’s a little bit late for that.” He took a step closer and I could smell the beer on his breath.
“Have you been drinking?” I asked surprised. Luke never drank like, never; it actually pissed me off because I knew he just did it to make everyone think he was better than needing alcohol to have a good time. It was another box to tick in his list of having perfect traits. I sounded like a bitch in my head, didn’t I?
“Yeah; I actually have Amy, have you got a problem with that or is it not good enough for you?”
“What are you talking about Luke, of course I don’t care if you drink; why would you say that?” I was pissed off he thought that he had to be good for me.
“Oh you know right well, you are always looking down on people from your high and mighty chair of being the nice girl hah! You’re so nice it hurts Amy, be a bitch for once in your life and don’t apologise for it.”
“Luke, what the hell, what are you talking about?” I asked angrily.
“I’m never going to be good enough for you and I try so hard ahh,” he cried out. I tried to grab his arm, “Please Amy, don’t. I don’t want to do this now, you’re right, I’m drunk and I’m saying stupid stuff.”
“Just stop,” I said quickly, “we don’t need to fight anymore.”
Luke opened the bathroom door, “Yes Amy, we do.”
He walked out and I followed him, it felt like a reversal of the doctor’s appointment.
“Luke! Come back,” I yelled down the hall.
“I’m sorry Amy I fucking love you so much but no,” and with that he turned around and kept walking. I leaned against the doorframe and started to cry. Tara appeared at the top of the stairs and came over to me.
“What’s going on sweetie you can tell me,” she said leading me back into the bathroom. I couldn’t tell her, but I could cry. So I did.
Chapter 14
While I was gathering myself together in the bathroom; Luke was having his loyalties truly tested downstairs.
“Hey Luke pass me the mixers will you?” called Lily from across the kitchen counter. Luke, with his head and heart still pounding passed her the coke and Fanta silently. Lily’s fingers purposely lingered on Luke’s.
“My god Luke, your hands are so cold; are you alright?”
Her pretty voice rang octaves above the loud house music and peoples mindless chatter. Luke looked up at her. She really had gotten pretty in the last few months, he thought, taking in her V-necked red dress, she’d grown into herself. Luke looked down quickly as he realised he was staring. He’s never looked at her like that before; god, he thought, it had been years since he’d looked at anyone but Amy in that way.
Lily saw his mind falter and she grabbed the opportunity.
“Come with me,” she mouthed, her smile lay and cheeky. She was sick of being nothing but a good friend yet always being left in the dark, she knew both Amy and Tara were hiding things from her.
She beckoned with her finger for Luke to follow her, and he did.
Out in the back garden; the cold night air shook Luke and for a second he stopped walking and thought of Amy.
“Coming?” asked Lily sweetly; turning around to face him. Her pretty features were even more accentuated in the dark and her long hair had fallen naturally down by her side.
Luke was torn but he was also tired of being a good person, a good son, a good boyfriend. None if it was helping the situation. He followed Lily to the bench swing at the end of the garden. He sat down next to her and she passed him the spare drink in her hand. The swing swayed a little under their weight and the movement made him feel dizzy; he really had never drunk before.
“I think I might get sick,” Luke said suddenly.
Lily bolted up right as he leaned over his legs. She started to rub his back.
“Shhh, you’ll be okay.”
“I’m fine,” he said, remembering himself and shaking her off gently.
“Is everything okay Luke? You seem stressed.”
Luke didn’t say anything, one word, one slip he thought and everything could come crashing down. And he didn’t trust himself not to say something in the state he was in.
“You know you can tell me? I’m not just Amy’s friend; I knew you before her.”
Luke looked up at her; she brushed her hair slowly with her fingers, gazing back at him.
“Things are…” Luke started.
“Complicated?” offered Lily, “trust me, I know. We’re so young it’s crazy, you’re such a good boyfriend, I mean like it must be hard…” She drawled out her last few words, moving closer to Luke.
Luke either didn’t notice, or was too scared to acknowledge that he did.
“Yeah,” he continued, “it’s not that, I don’t know it’s just a stressful and I just try so hard,” he rested his hands in his hand.
“You don’t need to, not with me,” said Lily, her words and images blurring together as she wrapped her arms around Luke. He turned to face her and they locked eyes, their faces mere inches apart.
I left the bathroom and walked down the stairs with Tara.
“You will be fine, he loves you to bits Amy,” is what Tara was saying when I walked out into the back garden and saw two figures in what looked like to be seconds from a kiss.
“Luke,” I called out weakly, hoping fiercely that that wasn’t his grey hoodie I thought I could make out.
Tara stalled briefly beside me before charging forward. I followed and after two more steps I could see them clearly.
“Lily?” said Tara, “what the fuck? Luke?”
I stopped walking and turned around.
“Amy, wait it’s not,” cried out Luke and I started to run back through the house; the party was in full swing now and I pushed past through all my classmates. I felt like my chest was on fire; I’d never felt this alive, this much pain before.
I ran out her front door and Luke caught me by my shirt. I spun around on the pavement.
“What?” I snapped.
“Amy, stop, listen!” he panted.
I turned around and kept walking.
“Amy,” cried a girl’s voice, Lily.
“Lily, leave her,” shouted Tara after her, I stopped and turned around. Tara was holding Lily in the front garden. Luke was
right behind me in the middle of the street. The moon was full and I could see his face fully.
“It wasn’t what it looked like,” he said quickly, “I was sick, I drank too much…”
“Amy I swear I would never,” cried Lily.
“Go back inside,” said Tara to her, ushering her inside and then joining Luke on the street.
“I don’t care Luke,” I shouted, “that’s Lily, even though it shouldn’t matter who it was and I.” I stopped because Tara was there but I was almost too angry to care.
“I get that you’re… Overwhelmed but no excuses… none.” I turned to keep walking.
“Please Amy,” he pleaded but I kept walking. Tara ran by my side.
“I’ll come home with you,” she said shrugging, “I’m tired anyways.”
Despite it all I smiled and she wrapped her arm around my back.
I barely slept a wink all night; Tara was snoring next to me. I had a gazillion messages and missed calls from both Luke and Lily. I genuinely didn’t even know what to think; I had never even thought about the possibility of Luke cheating. Especially not with someone like Lily, maybe I shouldn’t have ignored what she had said to me a year ago. Maybe I should have looked further than my own life and realised that other people felt things too.
“Ugh so early,” moaned Tara from beside me.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Did you sleep at all?” she asked sitting up.
“Nope,” I laughed.
“Okay great that means you’re going to be hungry because we’re going for breakfast,” she hopped out of bed quicker than I’d ever seen her move at eight a.m. in the morning.
“Oh, do we have to? I really felt like not dressing today…” I said weakly flopping back onto my bed.
“Nope,” Tara ripped the duvet off me, “what Lily did and Luke or whatever happened is terrible but we can’t mope around in self-pity, we’re going to fix it.”
“So cold,” I cried jumping up from my duvet-less bed and pulling on a hoodie.
“What do you mean fix it? We can’t fix it?” I said.