by Izzy Hodder
“Maybe it’s not what it seems,” offered Tara, passing me a pair of jeans which I reluctantly pulled on, carefully hiding my tiny bump under the hoodie.
“I doubt that, that’s what they always say,” I said.
“Come on, let’s go. We’re meeting Lily,” said Tara, looking down at her phone.
“Tara? What the hell no, I don’t want to talk to her.” I sat down.
“I know you don’t but we need to find out the full story. Think about it Amy, you know Lily; remember how kind she is, she would never have done this… I know I sound harsh and on her side but you’ll thank me in the long run. You love Lily.”
I had to agree with her, I did love Lily; despite what I had seen the night before my mind was still racing to think of how I must have gotten the situation wrong. I willed there to be some sort of valid excuse.
“Okay,” I said quietly, “but…” I thought of what she had whispered to me a year ago.
“No buts, let’s go get pancakes,” she grabbed my arm and lifted me up; “and Amy…I’m really, really sad this happened for you; I hope it’s not the end of so many things you love.”
My eyes prickled with tears. “Me too.”
“Whatever happens, you’ve got me,” she said just as the doorbell rang.
It was Luke; I almost shut the door in his face but Tara stopped me.
“Go in here,” she said, pushing the two of us into my front living room and closing the door. I looked Luke up and down, he was wearing the same clothes as last night and he looked a wreck. His eyes were red and his hair was a mess.
“So,” I said.
“Amy, I am so, so sorry and I know that is nowhere near enough.”
“Luke, did you kiss my best friend?” I asked bluntly.
“NO! God no, Lily and I never kissed or anything no Amy I would never.”
“Did you only not kiss her because I walked outside before you could?” This was my real question because I knew I hadn’t seen them actually kiss but nothing else validates those sort of close head encounters right?
Luke faltered before finally looking me straight in the eye. “No, Amy. I would never; I had a moment. I’m sorry but I did. I had a moment where like you said… I wanted to be young and reckless. Just for a moment I wanted to forget about rules and boundaries and what I should do. I had a moment where I forgot what was most important to me. Amy I’m so sorry. You’re what’s most important to me.”
Maybe I’m weak, and maybe I’m a fool. But I believed him and I won’t apologise for being forgiving. I let him hug me and I hugged him back.
“We’re okay?” he asked.
“We’re okay,” I agreed.
“Better than perfect?” he asked.
“Of course, now I have to go meet Lily…” was her name about to become awkward between us.
“Okay great, let’s not make things weird with that. It was nothing; she’s your best friend you’re my girlfriend. We’re friends yeah?” said Luke.
“Yeah, I agree.”
Tara was making herself a cup of tea in the kitchen when I found her after saying goodbye to Luke.
“Well?” she asked anxiously.
I smiled and she let out a breath. “Oh thank god, that’s one less thing to worry about. Now come on, Lily’s waiting for us.”
We raced out the door and got a bus into Victoria where we met Lily in our favourite quirky pancake parlour. She had already ordered our favourites and they were just being brought out when we arrived.
She smiled weakly at me and got up to give me a hug. I didn’t even have the energy to question her too much on it. I knew what I needed to know and I had to believe that these people loved me and were loyal. If I started doubting them now then where would I stop? Really I just wanted things to be okay so badly that I made them okay.
“I don’t know why I drank again, I’m so sorry I promise to never again,” Lily said.
“Look Lil, it was a rough night but everything’s going to be okay. Just don’t drink again and if you want to when your alone you know to call us right?”
Tara nodded in agreement and our conversations lead into the more light-hearted matter of when Lily really could have sex with Joshua, it was so great to feel natural around them again. In a way Lily and Luke almost doing something bad made me feel like less of a liar. We all laughed and drank coffee and ate. Even Tara.
Chapter 15
May
It’s going to be a girl. When I told Mum she said it was time we had a serious talk. Just me and her this time; so that evening when Mike was at a friend’s and Dad was still at work, we sat down at the kitchen table. I knew this had been coming.
“Amy, it’s time. We need to talk about what you’re really going to do,” she said matter of factly.
“I’ve been pretty naïve haven’t I?” I said thinking of what all the girls were saying at our sessions made me realise being a mother was not an easy job. I had known that obviously but for some reason I had fooled myself into thinking I was different; that I could do this.
“It’s okay,” said Mum, “you’re young. But you do need to think about what your next step is.”
“Mum, I know this is awful but…” my voice quivered, “but sometimes I regret not getting the abortion. If I had only not been so weak…” I looked down at my hands to avoid her eyes.
“Amy don’t! Look you did what you had to do. There’s no point in over-thinking it,” she was being so straight, so un-sensitive. I wanted to be five again and have her feel more sympathy over my scratched knee.
“Okay,” I said, “so what do I do?”
Mum looked at me and took a sip, “unfortunately that’s up to you, but do you want to know what I think?”
She was probably going to tell me anyways so I told her to go ahead.
“I think you should go to college, I think Luke should too. I don’t think you should give the baby up for adoption but I think it should stay here with me…”
“No, Mum,” I interrupted but she held up her hand.
“You can’t raise a child Amy and even if you tried, you’d be living here and it would be like I was raising it anyways. You need to understand that a child is a life; it isn’t just going to be okay after spending a year with you. What will you do when you actually do go to college?”
I shrugged. I hadn’t let myself think that far.
“Exactly, or your other choice is to give it up. But think about the regret that could come with that? Could you live every day knowing your child was out there without you?”
I thought about it. I’d thought about this before, adoption seemed like a good choice in my eyes. I was giving somebody a life wasn’t I? But Mum was right, I would always wonder.
“I suppose you’d think about her a lot,” I said.
Mum nodded, her face softened; “of course you would, and darling none of these choices are easy but just think; if the baby is here with me you can see her as much as you like and we can figure out with time how we decide who she is in our family; but at least she will be with her real family and you’ll get to live out your life too.”
When she put it all like that, it did sound like the best idea. But then I thought of Luke and I and how sure he was we could do it.
“I really, I just don’t know,” I said feebly. Mum pursed her lips.
“Well, you’ll figure it out. I think we both know what’s best,” and with that she got up and went upstairs. I was more confused than ever.
In school everyone was too wrapped up in exams and study to notice anything about my slightly expanding stomach. I bought a bigger jumper and complained about stress eating; only ever when Tara wasn’t there though.
“Oh I know what you mean,” said Lily, one lunch when it was just me and her, “Tara hasn’t gained any though…” Her voice trailed off, she must have been suspicious.
“She has a small build anyways,” I said nonchalantly
“You don’t think she needs our help do you?” as
ked Lily looking concerned, “I mean I’ve realised I’m pretty shit when it comes to actually acting on the things I see,” she lowered her voice. “Like Amy, I know you’ve something on your mind these past few months. You always changing the subject and drifting off.”
I tried to say something but Lily continued.
“Don’t worry. You don’t have to tell me. I get that, trust me. But just know that I’m always here and if I can help in any way; you don’t even have to tell me why; but just I’m here okay,” she smiled and passed me half her cookie.
“Thanks Lil,” I said. Sometimes I wished I was as good a person as her. Maybe that’s why she had so many friends growing up and I had none. It wasn’t that big a mystery.
I was contemplating this when Sam walked over to us.
“Hey guys,” he said shyly, Sam was always quiet. Maybe that’s why he liked Tara, she was the opposite; in a good way obviously.
“Hey Sam, what’s up?” asked Lily, offering him some of her cookie also.
He took a bit, “ehm I’m just looking for Tara.”
“Oh she should be around here somewhere,” I said, looking around, “here let me text her,” I said, whipping out my phone I sent here a quick ‘where u’ message.
Just as it sent Tara walked around the corner, smiling.
“Hey, we were looking for you,” said Lily as she walked over.
“Guess what!” said Tara excitedly, barely taking in the nervous looking Sam, shifting from side to side on his feet.
“What?” I asked.
“So, my theatre just called me. I went to the bathroom to answer them and they without me knowing! Put my name forward for a place in the London school of acting for next year! I made the shortlist!” she squealed excitedly.
“Oh my god Tara!” Lily jumped up and gave her a hug.
“Tara that’s amazing I’m so proud,” I said joining them.
“I can’t believe it, I really thought I wasn’t good enough…oh hey Sam,” she said suddenly noticing him.
“Hey, sorry ehm oh god yeah well done that’s so cool I didn’t know you acted,” he said nervously.
“Oh ya know, just a little side hobby to keep me busy,” joked Tara flicking her hair for effect.
“You must be pretty good eh,” said Sam.
Tara shrugged, “Hopefully anyways,” she laughed, “anyways, what’s going on with you?”
Lily and I exchanged a look.
“I actually, erm, wanted to talk to you…” He looked at the two of us, “alone… if that’s okay.”
Tara’s usually confident and tall posture shrank down.
“Let’s go get ready for class,” said Lily.
“We’ll leave you two to it,” I said, giving Tara a thumbs up as I left. It baffled me that someone as shy and quiet as Sam made her nervous when she was able to flirt with the older and hotter boys in our area without even blinking.
“They would be adorable,” said Lily as we walked away.
“Oh I know, I don’t know why she gets so nervous,” I said.
We were at our lockers packing our bags when Tara ran by.
“Hey Tara,” I shouted after her.
“What happened?” asked Lily as she turned around. Tara looked pale.
“Uh, I feel so sick guys I’ve got to go home…” She turned and kept walking towards the office and out of our sight.
The bell rang. I looked at Lily,
“Should we go after her?” she asked.
“Let’s leave her, maybe she needs some space,” I said; thinking that an interrogation was the last thing Tara probably wanted right now. Whatever it was; she would eventually tell me.
“Okay,” said Lily, “I’ll catch up with you later.”
I walked slowly to geography, meeting Luke outside.
I cowardly sent him a note in class, telling him briefly about my conversation with Mum.
‘After school! X’ he wrote back quickly and when the bell rang we hung back until we were the only two in the class.
“What do you mean Amy?” he asked.
“I don’t know if we can do it Luke, I mean realistically.”
“But…” he stopped, “yeah my parents are saying the same thing. I was just so, so confident we should, I mean what does that mean for us though?”
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I said, “we’re still us, I don’t know. We have time to think, let’s get through these exams okay.”
“Yeah, let’s and…” he couldn’t say anymore because Lily appeared at the door.
“Amy, Luke, I was just talking to Sam,” she said quickly.
“Oh yeah, he wanted to talk to Tara earlier,” said Luke, “did he get her?”
Lily walked in, “Yes and he wanted to ask her to be his date to his sister’s wedding…”
“Ah that’s great,” I said.
“No but, she freaked out,” said Lily throwing up her hands.
“What do you mean?” asked Luke, “Freaked out?”
“She like started rambling and then ran away, Sam was so embarrassed he thought that she just didn’t want to turn him down straight. I told him there must be something going on, right Amy?”
I shook my head, “Yeah, there must be. Come on, let’s go to hers. Luke call me later about that homework okay.”
“Sure,” he gave me a wink, “and I’ll talk to Sam and see if I can get any more.”
“Thanks Luke,” said Lily and they looked at each other.
I knew there was nothing between but my stomach still flipped and I felt hot.
“Come on Lily,” I said quickly, it came out harsher than intended. Things weren’t at all bad between us because of that, in fact it had made us closer, that fact that we got over it together. But still, I do have limits.
We left the school and made our way to Tara’s. She opened the front door to us.
“I knew it was you two,” she said, letting us in.
“Are you okay?” asked Lily as we sat down in the living room.
“Look, I don’t know how to explain this…”
“It’s okay,” I said, she looked all pent up and anxious. “Just take a deep breath.”
“I think I need to go to the bathroom,” she said, quickly hopping up. Lily and I waited.
“God I hope there’s nothing really wrong, what if she is sick? What if she has like, some illness?” Lily wrung her hands, “I’m going to check on her,” she said getting up.
I looked at the photographs on Tara’s mantelpiece; there I was, smiling beside her when we both got matching fringes. There she was showing off her newly pierced ears; you could see the back of my head behind hers, we were so young. We’d done so much together.
“Amy,” said Lily, appearing at the doorway.
“Uh huh?” I said standing up.
She beckoned me towards her with her finger and I followed her to outside the bathroom.
“Listen,” she mouthed.
Inside the door I got hear Tara retching. Shit, I thought. It was happening again. I pushed on the door handle. It wasn’t locked. Tara was standing up by the sink.
“Tara? Are you sick, should we go to the doctors?” asked Lily trying to process the scene.
“Come outside Tara, it’s okay,” I said, wiping her with a hand towel and bringing her into the kitchen.
“Guys…” Lily followed us.
“I’m so sorry,” said Tara looking at me.
“Don’t be; you have nothing to be sorry for,” I said.
“What’s going on?” asked Lily.
Both Tara and I were silent for what seemed like a long time.
“Ehm,” I tried to form some kind of words.
“No. It’s okay Amy, I’ve got this; Lily will understand,” she said.
“Understand what?” asked Lily, “guys please just talk to me.”
“I make myself sick,” said Tara plainly.
“What…like purposely?”
“I’ve, I’ve got an eating disorder Lily; I’
m sorry. I didn’t want anyone to know, Amy found me one day; that’s when I finally started to get better.”
“What happened Tara? I thought the Wednesdays were working?” It sounded stupid to say; like a day could help such a serious condition.
“What are the Wednesdays?” asked Lily.
“It’s this clinic place, I go every Wednesday and we just talk about coping mechanisms… The girls are all so lovely and they have been helping but…”
“But…” I urged her on.
“The exams coming made me more stressed than ever and well… Sam.”
“Sam?” asked Lily, she looked uncomfortable in the situation. Maybe she did prefer not knowing what the real problems were and was better at just being there to help.
“I don’t even understand it myself, I always say I blame my binging on exams and parents but I think I was fooling myself.”
“But Sam?” I asked.
“You remember Chris right?” said Tara looking from me to Lily.
Lily looked confused. “Vaguely,” she said.
I nodded. Of course I remember him.
“Well, I think that’s what caused it.”
The Real Reason Tara Got Sick
When I first moved to the same school as Tara, she had a boyfriend. One I didn’t really know because of our distance. His name was Chris and he was two years older at seventeen. Tara had told me all about him during our weekend sleepovers; she whispered under the covers
“Oh Amy; you don’t understand, he’s like a whole other level of amazing.”
I nodded, wide eyed and in awe. At the time I couldn’t imagine a boy giving me any kind of attention, especially an older one. But Tara looked older than her age. She was curvy in a good way and had gotten boobs and a bum when we were only thirteen. Beside her I looked like a sad excuse of a teenage girl. All long limbed with no real features.
“And he’s so mature,” she said, “compared to all the other boys in our school. I mean don’t worry, they’re fine,” she reassured me because at this stage we knew I was going to be moving next term.
“Oh I can’t wait for you to meet him!” She sighed, “I’m sure you two will get on so well!”
“I’m so happy for you Tara,” I said genuinely.