by Izzy Hodder
“Thanks Amy, what’s great is that he doesn’t…”
“He doesn’t what?” I urged.
“Oh you know the way boys can be about girls who are… A little curvier…”
“You’re gorgeous Tara!” I exclaimed, “All the boys must be crazy about you, you look so mature!” Tara was only a few months older than me but I always felt like she was my older sister.
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter though, the only opinion I care about is Chris. The rest of them can think what they want.”
“He sounds great,” I agreed. “I can’t wait to move next term and meet him.”
I never did get to meet him because by the time I moved to their school he was gone. At the time Tara had told me his parents moved so he had to move with them and they were both heartbroken. Now, I knew the truth.
It was a weekday evening and Chris had asked Tara over to his house. She thought this was their relationship taking the next step. She had never been to his before. They were officially boyfriend and girlfriend and he had met her parents on numerous occasions but he had never brought her around. She dressed herself up in a black skirt and dark purple turtleneck. She even called me when she was getting ready to say how excited she was. After applying a small amount of mascara and lipstick, she left the house and followed the directions that Chris had text her.
When she arrived outside a high-rise block of apartments she wasn’t too phased, most of London lived in apartments. She buzzed the buzzer and Chris answered, letting her in.
Once outside his door, she got butterflies. What if her parents thought her legs were too chubby to be wearing a skirt; or what if they disapproved of make-up. She smacked her lips together self-consciously; trying to make them less obvious but then Chris opened the door and behind him was eerily quiet.
“Hey,” smiled Tara upon seeing him. God she did love looking at his face, his bone structure and stubble that wasn’t yet there on the boys our age.
“Hello gorgeous,” he grinned back beckoning her inside. She stepped in cautiously. The living room and kitchen were one open space and to put it plainly, the place was a tip. There were cigarette butts on the coffee table and empty bottles beside the couch.
“Ehm,” Tara said awkwardly, “are you parents here yeah?”
“Nope,” stalled Chris, “they’ve gone out for ehm dinner, ya know with some friends. A last minute thing, they really wanted to meet you though. They told me to say hi,” he added in at the end. Chris stepped towards her, Tara stomach began to do cartwheels; she was nervous. He took her face in his hand and kissed her, she kissed him back.
Tara had told me, in whispers under our duvets, all of the things her and Chris had done.
“It’s fun,” she would whisper, “but I never let it get to that stage. I’m not ready for that and I’m far too young. He won’t rush me though.”
“Let’s go to my room,” said Chris pulling away from kissing Tara and leading her down the hall.
His room was messy, thought Tara, and the grey decoration really made the place feel dark and dreary.
“Nice room,” she lied, sitting down at the edge of his bed.
“It does the job,” smiled Chris. He sat back against his headboard and pulled Tara on to his lap so that her legs were on either side of him.
“Chris,” Tara tried to say she wasn’t ready for this; that she hadn’t come here expecting this. Out of the corner of her eye she saw an open pack of condoms on his bedside table. She pulled out and tried to speak.
“Shhh,” he whispered kissing her.
Tara let herself go, she liked Chris, she really did, she maybe even loved him she thought. And she liked being with him and doing stuff with him so why not take the next step. Tara knew why, she didn’t mind Chris having a grope underneath her top, or up her skirt, but she knew at the back of her head what terrified her most about sex was the fact she’d have to let herself be seen.
“Let’s take this off,” whispered Chris through kissed and he started to pull Tara’s turtleneck over her head. Tara hesitated but allowed her top to be taken off. Her skirt rested around her waist she thought so it mightn’t be too bad. Her mind raced with thoughts of her skin piling over her hem. She shook the thought and kissed Chris.
Chris pulled back, Tara sat upright in shock.
“What, what is it?” she whispered terrified.
He shook his head, “Never mind, let’s unhook this.” He pulled her close and undid her bra, continued to kiss her. But Tara could feel his hesitance; something had changed.
He pulled out again and Tara crossed her arms over her chest self-consciously. Chris was looking down at his hands.
“Sorry Tara…”
“What Chris…”
“I can’t, I didn’t… I don’t know I’m just not into this, I rushed into it I’m not feeling it…anymore,” his voice trailed off.
Tara didn’t know what to say, she was too embarrassed to get angry and too ashamed to get upset.
“Look we had fun, I just didn’t realise you were so… Ehm…” He made rounded motion with his hands and Tara grabbed her turtleneck and pulled it over her head, forgetting about her bra she raced out of his apartment and down the stairs and ran all the way home without shedding a tear.
A few days later Tara told me Chris had moved away, now I knew he just never bothered to go to school much in the first place and had gotten a job.
Tara swore to herself she would never speak of what happened, that she would only let it make her stronger and she would file it away because she was the strong, brave girl who took no one else’s shit and believed in herself wasn’t she?
Now she told us that at the start of this year when Sam started to show her interest, she didn’t believe he would keep it if he knew what she looked like without clothes on. Even if she had grown out of her chubby baby fat stage, she didn’t see it herself. She still saw herself as the girl who was too grotesque to be looked at once she had her top off.
So she started to take control.
Chapter 16
Lily was completely shook that she didn’t know; but she did say she was very oblivious to those kind of things. I think she was happier not knowing, but she tried her best. We stayed with Tara that night; her parents were away in Kent again, funny timing am I right?
“What are you going to do about Sam?” asked Lily; the next morning.
“Oh god, I don’t know I’m so embarrassed. He’s hardly still interested in me I’ve been such a bitch to him.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Lily, “boys are pretty resilient. I think, you know if you’re interested that it, that he would definitely still be.”
I nodded in agreement, “as long as you think you’re ready for it. He’s not Chris Tara, remember that.”
“I know he’s not Chris; I just can’t shake that… That awful; awful feeling; I mean guys to this day when I think of how embarrassed; how ashamed I felt…it still makes me sick.” She shook her head.
“Don’t; he was an idiot who didn’t know how lucky he was,” said Lily.
“Plus, he’s probably a drug addict or something now; to be honest I’m glad you got out of that as quick as possible.”
Tara laughed; “true I could have like three kids and live in some crappy little apartment at this stage.”
I laughed but my stomach fluttered, kids, oh god how was I keeping this from them.
“Guys,” I started, butterflies turning like crazy inside me. Was I really about to tell them?
“Yep,” said Lily, sipping her tea casually.
“I… ehm… I.”
“Spit it out,” said Tara.
“I’ve the UTI again…” I blurted out before I could think. I was such an idiot.
We went to school together after breakfast. After assembly, Sam came straight up to Tara and the two of them went off talking, afterwards both Tara and he had two big smiles on their faces when they came into class together. Myself and Lily high-fived underneath the tabl
e; things were good. I was happy for Tara. But the white board was blurring, I didn’t feel too good. When I walked to the next class everything went black for a second and I had to grab on to Lily’s jumper for a minute until everything re-focused. I should go see Dr Foster later I thought as I sat down next to Lily in English.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
“What?” I asked, barely hearing her. There was a loud banging somewhere, “can you hear that?” I asked.
“Hear what?” asked Lily… “Hear what Amy? What’s wrong?”
Chapter 17
The light above me was so bright it was hurting my head. I opened my eyes and all I could see was white. For a brief moment I thought I was dead. I mean I knew my life was a disaster but it had always been better than the alternative. No, I wasn’t dead; there were voices, informed, knowing voices echoing off the walls. I sighed and the room came into focus; a hospital bed, a ward, of course. I should have known.
“Waking up I see,” smiled a young brunette who was suddenly leaning over me and adjusting some tubes that were leading into my left arm.
“Am I… Am I okay?” I asked, “Where’s my mum?” She was the first person I wanted right now. The nurse smiled.
“You know, no matter how old you get, that’s the first person anyone wants in times like these. I’ll send her in.” She walked away, after ticking off something on the clipboard at the end of my bed. I could hear all of the other patients around me, breathing and coughing, only separated by a sheet. Mum pulled mine open.
“Oh Amy, how are you?”
I was so glad to see her; as worried and frantic as she was. It seemed to me the most normal we’d been in months. I smiled.
“I feel fine but what happened? Is the baby okay?”
“Oh I’m sure she is, the doctors have tested all that. They think your blood sugar was too low. They’re going to come and talk to you about that though. I told them, I keep telling her she’s feeding two now.” Mum threw her hands up in exasperation, “But anyways we will begin now. I told your dad, him and Mike have gone out to the groceries, I text them a big long list of everything healthy and yummy. We are going to feed you up no matter what!” I rolled my eyes at her.
“I’m sorry, I’ll do better I promise,” I said genuinely.
“Don’t fret about it now Amy, we will figure it all out – someone’s here to see you,” said Mum suddenly looking worried. “It’s Lily, she followed us here after you collapsed next to her in class.”
I took in a deep breath. I knew this moment was coming. I couldn’t keep this secret any longer; lying was so much harder than I’d ever thought, “It’s time,” I said. Mum nodded. She squeezed my hand and left the room.
A minute later Lily came bounding in.
“Oh my god I thought I’d got the wrong little room there for a moment! Imagine how awful that would be, some poor old man getting dressed.” Lily giggled. I laughed and put my finger to my lips, pointing to next door, indicating how they could all hear us.
“Oops!” said Lily sitting down next to me, “Amy how are you, I was so worried. One minute you were fine and then whoosh, just like that.” She made a falling motion with her hands. “What happened? I mean you were acting off all day.”
“I’m fine Lil, it was low blood sugar or something.”
“Oh thank god, Tara’s on her way here in a mad hurry. But wait, why do you have low blood sugar, isn’t that something diabetics get?”
“Yeah… well…there’s something I haven’t told you Lil…”
Her face dropped.
“Oh no, what is it? Please don’t tell me you’re really sick Amy, not you and Tara. Am I such a shit friend?”
“No Lily, I’m not sick and you’re not at all a shit friend stop that… ehm I’m,” I took a deep breath, this was harder than telling my parents for some strange reason.
“I’m pregnant.”
Lily looked straight down at my stomach, which was still only slightly rounder than it ever was. I’d hidden it well and I was never going to be really big as Dr Foster said I was little and always would be. This was working in my favour.
“But what? No you’re not. Stop it.” She paused. “I don’t understand, how did this happen?” She asked not looking at me directly.
I laughed. “C’mon Lil,” I said trying to make it more light-hearted. “You know exactly how it happened, it just wasn’t meant to, is all.”
She shook her head, ‘no, no, no.’
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I sat upright.
“I can’t believe you would do this!” She stood up and was silent for a moment. “I mean what were you thinking? And then not telling anybody? I mean it all makes sense now, the baggy clothes, the fights with Luke,” her voice faltered on the name. But she continued on, “But all of this secrecy? Amy, we’re 17 I thought it was fucking stress! I mean Tara was a shock but this…”
“Lily please,” I started, “calm…”
“No. Don’t say a word. I don’t think you’ve realised what you’ve done.” She looked down at my normal stomach. “Does Tara know?”
I shook my head.
“If it’s true then you’re a fucking idiot Amy,” she said before bursting into tears and walking out. I heard her screech something down the hall. I held my tiny tummy and tears started to fall. I had not expected that.
A head peeped around the curtain.
“Hey you, what’s that all about eh? You finally slam her for hitting on Luke?” said Tara walking in and sitting at the end of my bed. I shook my head. If lily’s reaction was like that, what on earth was Tara’s going to be. I wanted it to be over already.
“I have to tell you something Tara.”
“I know,” she said looking straight at me. I looked back at her questioningly.
“I mean, I don’t know what it is. But I know your keeping something from me. It’s okay Amy, you can tell me.”
She was being so her, so Tara, so understanding of even the things she didn’t know. I was about to ruin that.
“I’m pregnant Tara,” I whispered. She paused for a moment and her facial expressions changed but I couldn’t read them.
“Oh thank god,” she finally whispered back, looking relieved.
“Thank god?” I asked baffled.
She put up her hands, “I mean Amy I didn’t know what to expect. I was terrified you’d become a drug addict and landed yourself here and then I thought because you were a drug addict you’d got wrapped up in some prostitution and gotten raped or had killed somebody. If you knew the things that have been racing through my mind these last few hours; well in all honesty , compared to them being pregnant isn’t as awful as it sounds,” she smiled at me, “congratulations,” she said.
“Tara, I didn’t plan this. I don’t want to be pregnant,” I said dumbfounded by her response.
“Oh I know you didn’t plan this but it happened didn’t it, and normally when people get pregnant people congratulate them so I’m congratulating you. Also it makes us sound very old and mature so,” she winked at me.
“Tara I don’t know what to do,” I said softly. She nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” she asked.
“I wanted you guys to all get your offers first. I know you’ve had them for a while now but it just got harder and you didn’t need any distractions.”
“I can’t believe this,” she said, “but I’m so glad you’re not a hooker or a coke addict, wait you’re not those also, are you?”
I laughed, “Of course not.”
“Good now you better be ready to do some taking because I want to hear the whole story from start to finish.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you’ve been able to keep this, it’s actually crazy. But go on tell me everything, all the gory awful doctors looking up their visits too. And Luke oh my god does he know? Please.” She put her hand over her mouth.
I laughed, “Yes he knows, he’s actually been very good.”
“Of course
he has, he’s an angel. Well, you know,” she raised her eyebrows, referring to the Lily situation. “Nobody’s perfect,” she said, “and I don’t believe he would have done anything with Lily to be brutally honest, he’s so in love with you it’s crazy.”
I laughed.
“Okay go on then,” she said, “I brought chocolate,” she produced two bags of minstrels and tossed one to me. “Come on, start talking, and close your ears little baby,” she whispered towards my stomach. “Boy or girl actually?”
“Girl,” I smiled.
“Ahh how sweet, wow Amy, I bet you’ve gone through a lot.”
I smiled at her and then I started to talk. I sat there with my best friend for hours and told her everything. Never had I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Lies were terrible, lies made people lonelier than they ever needed to be. I knew that now.
Chapter 18
June
Things were bad. Things had never been worse and even though I had Luke and Tara and Mike; I had never felt so isolated.
I didn’t go back to school after my visit to the hospital, there was only a week until exams and the doctors told me I needed to rest. I had tried texting Lily but no luck.
This was what my first day of exams went like.
“Oh Amy, hi,” said two girls from my English class, pausing awkwardly in the hall to talk to me, I stalled; looking around me for someone to save me.
“Are you like… really?” asked the one called Sarah.
“Sarah, seriously, she means to say you know, it’s crazy that you’re like ya know… pregnant.”
I looked at the two of them. The hall was filing up, ‘Slut’ I heard someone say but couldn’t make out who it was a ripple of laughter rang through the hall. Sarah and the other girl, her name was Rose I think looked at each other and then turned away quickly.
“Well done,” someone shouted from the bottom of the hall, I saw a group of boys laugh and heard murmurs of, “Poor Luke.”
I started to feel really hot; there was no one I could see that I could talk to. I knew so many of these people but I realised now that we really know very few. Then there was a hand on my shoulder, “You okay Amy?”