by Izzy Hodder
“I’m sorry Tara; I was terrible to you too. I shouldn’t have ignored you and oh god I shouldn’t have snapped at Luke,” she started to cry again.
“You’re forgiven but quit sobbing and tell us what the hell is going on.”
“She had sex,” I said plainly and the three of us looked at each other. This was our friendship; messy, honest and very complicated; but at least we were real. We were glad to be back together. So for a moment we laughed, but then that moment passed and Lily burst back into tears. Tara sat on the other side of her and we both hugged her.
“Shh little one, tell us what happened, we won’t be mad,” she said.
“Are you sure you’re not mad?” she asked.
“Of course we’re sure, we’re a team us three, we can’t let anything get between us okay,” I said.
“Okay,” said Lily ’well I didn’t expect to feel like this afterwards," she said.
“After sex or after the fight?” asked Tara
“Who was it?” I asked.
“Joshua and after the sex,” said Lily, sitting back in my bed, she had stopped crying and wiped her eyes. “It only happened a few days ago, two nights ago at that party, you know Ally’s?”
“Oh that bitch,” said Tara, I slapped her softly.
“Yeah she actually is, god I’m such a terrible friend I should never have told her but she found me crying in the bathroom; I was just so upset over how I’d reacted and …”
“It’s alright, it doesn’t matter anymore,” I said.
“Continue with Joshua, what happened?” pushed Tara.
“Well, you guys know I wanted to ‘do the deed’,” she put up her hands to make exclamation marks as she said this, “and well Joshua was there and he was flirting with me…. or at least I think he was…”
“He definitely was Lily, you’re just oblivious most of the time,” I laughed.
“Well he was super touchy and stuff, so I took that as a good sign. Was I right to take that as a good sign yeah?”
“God bless your innocence,” said Tara shaking her head, Lily never failed to make us laugh with her naivety around boys. It was funny too because she could be such a flirt but she would have no idea she was actually flirting.
“You were right to,” I laughed.
“Okay so, well we kissed in the garden; there was a load of people there so it wasn’t weird…”
“Continue,” said Tara. Lily grimaced.
“Then we went inside to get more drinks and I said I needed to go to the bathroom; so I went upstairs and when I came out of the toilet he was there waiting for me.”
“Ohh,” both Tara and I said, “keep going.”
“I was just like hey whatever, and he goes found you and here’s your drink, so he passed me a beer and we both just stood kind of in the hall chatting for a bit until you know; we started kissing again…but this time it was more.”
“Full on,” said Tara, Lily nodded.
“Then a bedroom door next to us opened and out came like who was it, Sarah and Kevin or something, she was so pissed and was like oh my god Lily here’s a free room.”
I cringed and so did Tara but we tried to keep our faces straight; we knew what was coming.
Lily exhaled, “Of course Joshua took me by the hand and brought me in and of course; me being me, followed and well at the time I was excited you know and … well I wanted to and I still do I mean I don’t regret it I just feel so weird…”
“What kind of weird?” I asked gently.
“Like I’m not just me anymore, like I let him see more of me than I was ready to let anyone see or do.”
I nodded. “Whoa,” said Tara, “I mean, was it good?”
“It was; it actually was but just the next day I woke up and felt like absent. I haven’t been able to shake it, Amy did you feel like this?”
“I’ll be honest with you Lil I didn’t; but I love Luke and I loved him when we did it… Or at least I think I loved him; maybe it was too early to know, or maybe we never really know… but I didn’t feel like that. After I did I felt bigger, more whole.”
Lily shook her head, “I’m an idiot. I should have waited.”
“Hey don’t worry,” said Tara, “one of us had to do the cliché hook up in a bedroom at a party right.”
Lily smiled. “I suppose so, do you think it’ll go away? This feeling I mean.”
“Of course it will,” said Tara. “I promise you, I’ve felt like I’ve given away myself before to people who didn’t deserve me and it does feel empty and strange, I know what you mean. But it will stop, you’ll realise that you’re more than the people you’ve let be with you, and you can have a clean slate, you can be fresh again. Hell, babe, you can even be a virgin again, virginity is pretty much a social construct anyways. Everyone considers sex differently, some things feel more intimate to one than they do to another, so you can always have a clean slate.”
I thought Tara must be talking about Chris and how he must have used her; I’d never thought of it like that, it’s funny how you know people and you know what goes on with them but you never know fully how things make them feel.
“I’ve really missed you guys,” said Lily, pulling us in. “I promise to never screw up again.”
“Ah I’m sure you will… but won’t we all?” laughed Tara.
She was almost crying at this stage.
“Pancakes?” I said from the neck of Lily’s arm.
“Pancakes,” they both said in unison and off we went. We all ordered double because it wasn’t fair that only I got to eat for two.
Chapter 21
“Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Amy; happy birthday to you.” Luke was the first person to call me at twelve p.m. on the dot.
I laughed after picking up the phone to hear him singing down at me.
“Finally an adult,” he said, “I am so happy and proud of you; I’m coming over in the morning with cake.”
“You’re an idiot,” I said, “the last thing I need is cake, I look like an elephant.”
“You’re pregnant stop it,” he laughed, “and if it’s any condolence you make a beautiful elephant.”
I laughed, “You’re just trying to make up for the fact that you’ve been away all week with the boys.”
“That may or may not be true, was that really bad of me. I did think I shouldn’t.”
“I’m joking Luke, of course you should have, the girls have been with me every day; everything’s the way it used to be with us.”
“That’s great Amy; I know we’d probably be in Italy all together right now if this hadn’t happened so I promise you’re going to have a great birthday.”
“Italy was a flop trip anyways, thanks Luke, how was the week with the boys after all? Everyone cool with you again?”
Some of Luke’s friends had kind of been avoiding him since word got out, but Sam had organised the trip so of course he went.
“Yeah like totally chill again, I think they were just freaked out but now; now they’re really cool with it all, I’m relieved to be honest. I mean I know I probably won’t see them next year but if I don’t get into Edinburgh; well you never know.”
“I know, better to be on good terms with everyone and you will get in of course,” I said, “now I am dead tired so let me sleep but I love you.”
“Can’t wait to see you tomorrow birthday girl, love you.”
I clicked off the phone and fell asleep.
When I woke up there was more candles and cake, this time it was my family surrounding my bed.
“It’s way too early for this,” yawned Mike; holding a bouquet of flowers.
“Mike,” said Mum, grinning from ear to ear, “You’re eighteen,” she said to me.
“I agree,” I said to Mike and then to Mum, “crazy I know.”
They started to sing and Dad walked in with a cake.
“Breakfast is served,” said Dad, putting the vanilla frosted pile of deliciousness in f
ront of me.
I sat up and they all sat down around me.
“You’re an adult now,” said Mike, “think of all the things you can do without hiding them.”
I laughed and Dad shot him a look before relaxing and laughing himself.
“You kids are going to give us heart attacks one of these days, did you hear Mike come home last night?” asked Mum.
Mike went red.
“What no?” I said, grinning, good my baby brother was finally breaking the rules.
“Yeah exactly that’s the problem, neither did I so I presumed he was at Liam’s but then I find him in his bed this morning, lord knows where he was’ she looked at Mike urging him to tell her.”
“I was just with the guys, you know the usual. You know where I go don’t you Amy?”
“Yeah of course I do,” I lied, “don’t worry, Mum, they’re boys, luckily they’re much more immature than girls.” I gave her a wink.
“Oh lord, I don’t even want to think,” she sighed.
“Then don’t, eat cake and have fun.” I took a bite. Mum smiled.
“I know we’re hard on you Amy, we have to be but your father and I are proud of you. Aren’t we?”
Dad nodded, “Of course we are.”
Mike rolled his eyes and went for a second slice. I heard a knock at the door, followed by footsteps and laughing and suddenly there was Luke, Lily, Tara and Sam all standing at my door.
“Happy Birthday,” they shouted excitedly, holding gifts and sweets.
“Come in come in,” said Mum and her and Dad got up, leaving us to it. Mike stayed.
“We’ve got to sing guys come on sing,” said Tara jumping up and down at the bottom of my bed like a little kid, I laughed.
“Guy’s I’m still in my pyjamas, I look awful,” I said as Lily snapped a photo of me surrounded by my gifts.
“Here,” said Tara pulling out a tiara and a pink birthday girl banner for me to wear, she placed them over me.
“Beautiful,” she clapped her hands together and everyone laughed. Luke came over to me and handed me a small box.
“Just something little,” he said and everyone rolled their eyes. Luke had never done ‘little’ presents. Yeah, he was that guy.
“Aw thank you,” I said.
“Now, now, don’t get soppy on us, open the damn thing you’ve more to get,” said Lily.
I untied the gold ribbon and opened the box, inside was a small gold rectangular frame on a keychain. On the top part of the little frame was an old small Polaroid of me and Luke when we first started going out, we were sitting side by side on the wall of our school and making a face at each other, I remember the photo being taken by Tara but I didn’t think Luke still had it, underneath was a blank space, the size of a small photograph.
“It’s for the baby, when it comes we can put in a photo of it, so that no matter what happens or where we go we will always all be together with you, I thought we could give it to her then when she got old enough.”
I had tears in my eyes, but I was just hormonal right. I wiped them away.
I could see Lily was on the verge too, even Tara looked melancholy.
“Thank you so much, it’s beautiful Luke I really love it, thank you.”
He just smiled and for a moment everyone was silent.
“Time for more presents I think,” said Sam brightly.
“I’ll go get mine,” said Mike running off, when he came back we were all sitting on my big bed in a circle opening presents. I got photo albums and scrapbooks made by Tara and Lily, notebooks and books from Sam, he’d remembered conversations we’d had over the year about authors I’d liked, I thought it was really sweet. Mike’s present was incredible. He’d made a fold out book of photos, all since I’d gotten pregnant. I hadn’t seen him take them but there were ones of me and Mum and Dad having conversations at the kitchen table, of me leaving in the morning, he was a sneaky little photographer but they were beautiful, there was even one of me and Luke standing outside, looking in depth in conversation. He had added quotes to the back of them, words we had said and memories, I laughed at how he had scrawled vegetarian lasagne on the back of the first one, that was when I told them. Then there were ‘sometimes we need to be scared a little to realise how lucky we are’.
“Dad said that didn’t he?” I asked and Mike nodded. Everyone was leaning in to look at it with me.
“That’s a terrible dress though?” asked Tara reading out the back on one. I looked to Luke ‘that day’ I said and he laughed.
“It really was,” said Mike.
“Ah…” said Luke pulling a face.
The rest of them looked confused and I realised they didn’t even know about the almost abortion. Not now, I thought.
“Just a terrible fashion choice,” I said to them, they nodded; I made a lot of them.
“Mike this is amazing,” I said, he shrugged embarrassed.
“It really is,” said Luke.
“Thank you so much,” I pulled him into a big hug, he went red.
“Group hug,” yelled Lily and they all joined in.
“Okay, okay, suffocating myself and little person here,” I laughed after a few minutes we all let go but no one moved. We stayed there just like that for most of the day, and we talked and laughed and listened to each other. The room got dark and we turned on the fairy lights and ordered Chinese. It was the best birthday I’d ever had.
The Worst Birthday I Ever Had and Something You Don’t Know About Me
“You’re gorgeous,” he said looking straight at me, “when did this happen?”
I blushed, but not as much as I would have had I been sober.
“Seriously Amy, how had I never seen you like this before,” he placed his hand on my waist, running his fingers up and down.
“I…” I was about to tell him I had a boyfriend. But this was Ethan Buell, a senior from my old school, someone who had laughed at me in the hallways growing up. I know it shouldn’t have mattered who he was, I know I should have been stronger, but I had my weaknesses. Luke and I had been going out only a few months, it was the night of my sixteenth birthday and this eighteen year-old-boy who had once mocked me wanted me.
“Can I get you another drink,” asked Ethan.
“I’m okay,” I said, holding up my beer to him.
“So where did you disappear to?” he asked and I told him about my new school.
“Why are you here?” I asked, referring to the party we were both standing in the middle of. Lucy, in my year was also turning sixteen, me and the girls went out for dinner ourselves for mine last night and had decided to come here tonight, Luke was away with family for the weekend.
“Lucy’s my cousin,” he said, wrapping his other hand around my waist and pulling me into him. I flinched and looked around. It was late and most people were past remembering tiny details of who was with who. But I knew everyone around me and everyone knew Luke.
I obviously knew it was wrong. I was trying to hide it for god’s sake.
“Not here,” I whispered, which of course Ethan took as a great invitation for more.
“Come with me,” he said, taking my hand. I let him.
I followed him up the stairs and into a bedroom and I let him kiss me up against the closed door, I let him lead me to the bed and I kissed him back. I didn’t let it go any further but it didn’t matter. I had cheated and the worst thing is, while I was doing it I knew it was wrong.
I know why I did it, you probably do too. And it certainly doesn’t make it okay.
I did it because after years of abuse, of hurt and of feeling ugly and unloved, I felt like I had control over someone who had hurt me. In the mess of the night, Ethan represented to me all of the people who had bullied me in that school and by kissing him I was suddenly worthy. It was so stupid. A part of me was also excited but how much my life had changed since my fifteenth birthday which I’d spent alone in my pyjamas, watching re runs of Friends and trying not to cry about my lack o
f them. Sounds funny when I say it like that but it was a dark time.
But then on the bed with Ethan I remembered that thing’s we’re different now, I did have friends and I didn’t need to prove myself to people any longer, especially when I had someone like Luke who loved me.
“I’ve got to go,” I said to Ethan, getting up off the bed.
“Why, don’t leave now Amy.”
“No, my mum’s here,” I lied, “I’m sorry.”
I raced away from the party. It hadn’t fulfilled me. it hadn’t taken back all of those words those people had said to me and it certainly hadn’t healed the wounds those words left, at the end of the day I had just made myself a worse person. I didn’t feel the freedom of being young and reckless at sixteen. I felt sick. I called Luke; without thinking, I just did what my mind was telling my body to.
He picked up on the first ring.
“Hey Amz,” he said quietly, I could tell he was in bed.
“Luke,” I said quickly, “I’ve done something terrible.”
“What, what’s going on are you okay?” he asked quickly, suddenly alert.
I took a deep breath and started walking in the direction of home.
“I kissed someone,” I said. Silence.
“I kissed someone and I wasn’t too drunk to not know, you probably don’t want to know who he was but it might explain it better,” I said.
“No,” said Luke quietly.
“Luke I’m so sorry, I’ll explain,” I started to cry.
“No don’t,” he said simply, “I don’t want to know who he is.”
“Luke, it was so stupid, and I know this isn’t going to change what I just did but Luke I love you. More than anything in the world and I can’t believe what I’ve done.”
“Was it for a reason?” he asked calmly, he wasn’t mad, his voice was even.
“Well yes, but no reason is good enough, Luke I understand if you can’t forgive me but please, please believe me when I say there’s nobody more important than you and –”
“I forgive you Amy,” he said quietly.
“What, really?” I was almost home and my tears were stopping.