The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  She saw Josh look away, he too must think that she was quite unique in her thoughts, he himself had hinted a while ago about his ideas on sex. She tried to justify herself.

  “My parents were always so in love and happy, they lived for each other and they were always faithful to one another. Both of them had never slept with anyone else. That was their secret to a happy marriage. At least that was what my dad used to say. There is that special bond that you truly belong to one another and to no one else. But these are probably only idealistic illusions brought on by a very happy childhood. We were one tight family and nothing could break us apart. My dad was constantly by my side, he was the cornerstone of my life and he supported me in everything I did. That is why it is so difficult for me to accept that he is no longer here and that I can no longer run to him with every little problem I might have,” her voice broke and she stopped. Josh could see that talking about her parents was making her increasingly distressed and he reached out and took her tiny hand.

  He was immediately confronted by a very sharp vivid picture with that same realistic quality of his dreams. He could see himself slowly laying his hand on her pregnant belly as he looked into her trusting eyes. He could see his own face suffused with happiness as he felt his child move beneath her skin. The intense emotion on that other Josh’s face diffused over to his own frozen heart which burned with happiness as it started to beat rapidly. He let go of her hand.

  Here she was, talking about sex and marriage and he had seen her pregnant with his child. Marriage was the last thing on his mind, so was he about to distort her principles and beliefs? He didn’t want to, he knew that the Josh in the picture loved her too much for that. But these were only products of his overactive imagination, a mind he had been locked in all those years, so he dragged himself back to their conversation. She had not noticed his brief departure and she had moved on, talking lovingly about her late parents.

  Oh God she is going to cry, Josh thought in a panic, he was not good with comforting crying females. He could see her biting her trembling lip and trying to look away but eventually the tears started running down her cheeks and he reached out and wiped her face, but the flow only increased as she gave in to her grief. The stress of that evening must have caught up with her. She no longer cared that she was weeping in front of a complete stranger. Josh went round to her side of the table and sat next to her, not really knowing what to do. After a while he pulled her onto his lap, cradling her in his arms, saying nothing. Thank God, they were in a private room. He had somehow predicted an emotional dinner and had asked for such a room. His sixth sense had come in handy.

  She clutched on to him, sobbing uncontrollably. She was like a drowning woman in a raging river, clutching on to a flimsy straw. He was that fragile straw but he somehow managed to keep her afloat and slowly her sobs subsided and common sense started to take over. She moved out of his arms and back to her own space.

  “I’m sorry, I am ruining all your shirts today,” she said as she looked at the big wet stain her tears had managed to leave on his shoulder. “I think that this evening has messed up both our brains. I don’t usually go round crying in some stranger’s arms but I never accepted my parents’ death. It suddenly dawned on me that I will never see them again. I really needed that hug. Thank you.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “The strange thing is that my dad never really approved of my fiancée. I don’t know why, because Rob is a bright and well-established doctor and he rapidly rose to the level of medical director at a very young age. But he never clicked with my dad...or my brother Max. Well, I guess every father thinks that his future son-in-law is not good enough for his little girl. But despite all his reservations, dad always supported me in whatever decisions I took and he respected my judgement. He didn’t like my marriage plans but he never moaned about them. Then came the day they left for their fatal holiday. I took them to the airport and after they said their goodbyes, he came running back out and hugged me. He told me to cancel my marriage plans because Rob would never make me feel complete. I just laughed, but he was serious and he made me promise to remember his words even when he was gone. It was as if he knew that he was about to die,” she paused, gathering all her strength.

  “I forgot all about it until I saw Rob in bed with my best friend; it was as if my dad had known all about that too.” She sighed. “Perhaps I am living in an ideal romantic world that does not exist, but I don’t really feel I should go ahead with that wedding especially when I remember my father’s parting words. On the other hand, it will be extremely difficult to break up with your own boss and I had dearly loved him once too...perhaps I still do. We shared a lot of good times together, he was my first love. Rob is convinced that his infidelity is no big deal given the circumstances. He wouldn’t have gone knocking on other doors if I had slept with him. He has begged me not to throw away what we had together....but...” and she looked straight into his eyes, “I’m sure that you would have agreed with him so it’s pointless recruiting your support and I should stop justifying myself to you because I feel that I’m just going round in circles.”

  It was useless denying any of his affairs with women. He had just repeatedly hinted at them throughout his whole bizarre conversation, and anyway, she would read about them soon enough, all she had to do was to look up some gossip magazines and she would even find pictures to support the text. Reporters just loved his wild and daring scandals.

  He cleared his throat. “I’ve had more than my fair share of women, perhaps more than this Rob. BUT, all the women know what they are letting themselves into, I never promise anything and I have always been honest about my feelings. They all know that I am this cold, heartless, selfish male. Take it or leave it. I would not mind it either way. But I think that you are right, going behind someone’s back is dishonest and if there is no honesty there is no love. If I had been in a relationship I would never cheat on anyone. Dishonesty is not my thing. That is unforgiveable.” He certainly did not want her to kiss and make up so he was not campaigning for this Rob. “But I have no right to preach about relationships.”

  “How long have you ever stayed in a relationship?”

  “One day.....and night, I usually send them packing as soon as they open their eyes the very next morning...and sometimes I even get Julie to do it if they are late risers. I just cannot be bothered to wait for them to emerge slowly from their beauty sleep.” He averted his eyes and continued, “I’ve never been in love or even respected anyone enough to stay with them for longer than that. They all know about my hardened heart and I have never found anyone who could soften it.”

  “Really, never...and you are twenty-nine. Wow, you are messed up.”

  Josh laughed and looked at the clock on the wall. He was surprised to see that it was already two in the morning; they had stayed there talking for hours. “Gosh, look at the time. Come on, Rita is going to kill me,” and he pulled her to her feet. He paid the bill, leaving a generous tip as he sincerely apologized for the late hour.

  The entire conversation had charged him with vitality. He needed something to calm him down and he lit a cigarette as they walked silently towards the car.

  “Hey, you can’t smoke when you’re dating doctors, didn’t anybody tell you about lung cancer and smoking? That’s a disgusting habit,” she reproached.

  “I only do this occasionally...but I’ll make a deal with you, I’ll ditch smoking for the rest of my life if you would spend the rest of your two-week holiday with me. No strings attached, nothing romantic or otherwise. And nothing will happen at my place I promise. It will be just talking and having fun. You can be my own personal little pocket shrink.”

  “Nothing romantic?”

  Josh nodded, “Not even a kiss, and if I cross the line you have the right to ask me to take you to the nearest hotel of your choice, I’ll pay for everything. From that point on you will never see me again. But if I keep my distance and you will stay, we will just be two friend
s having fun and helping each other out. You can help with my sanity and I can be your personal guide around here and I will make sure that you do not get into trouble again by choosing the wrong place to go to. You have nothing to lose except a tiny bit of your time listening to my whining. And perhaps I can even listen to yours. You can then go back to England satisfied that you have at least helped that miserable person to open up and start living his life. Are you up for that challenge?”

  His intense black eyes met hers, willing her to accept. He was not ready to see her walk out of his life after he had just met her, not just yet, he wanted to explore further that irrational feeling of déjà vu he had every time he looked into her eyes or happened to brush her skin. He knew that she was not ready to get involved with anyone so he had stressed the ‘nothing romantic’ part.

  “Wow, let me think, that’s a big dilemma, I have no place to sleep in tonight and this really gorgeous guy offers me a home for the rest of my holiday, buys me clothes and dinner and held me while I cried like a baby and he doesn’t even expect a thank you kiss for his kindness. On top of all that I could help mankind by reducing the amount of tobacco in the atmosphere...Deal.” She laughed as they shook hands.

  She knew that she should have stuck to her original plan to move out when she got her credit cards back, but she had really enjoyed talking to him. She was strangely enchanted by his sad, honest, intense eyes. She was intrigued by his past; a troubled and sad childhood that had left him feeling bitter and lonely, preferring his own company to that of others. She acknowledged his sometimes cynical and arrogant comments as a subconscious way of pushing people away from him. She sensed that he usually had difficulty opening up to anyone and she had probably been the only one to be invited into his innermost thoughts. She had seen that tiny spark of happiness in his otherwise sad, pensive eyes as he had unloaded all his troubles onto her. She could not possibly let him down after all that he had done for her.

  But helping him was not the only reason why she had so readily accepted his offer. She was also doing this for herself. Talking to him was like the perfect medicine to heal her broken heart. His presence had washed all her concerns and worries away. He had even helped her grieve for her parents, something Rob had never managed. She could see hope in her life again. She will have to deal with leaving him later.

  Guardian Angel

  Josh looked at the vivid and colourful picture around him. The round island was deserted and silent. He was standing on its centre, at the very top of the hillside and he could see the deep blue sea all around him. He looked out further beyond the shore. He could just make out another distant island surrounded by mist. He concentrated on his island. Dense forest covered half of it, the entire west side of the slope. He studied the type of trees growing there, tropical trees. The other half of the island was bare and rocky.

  He began walking down the path leading away from the forest. Eventually he saw the immaculate white house perched on the steep cliff top. He memorized every facade, every window and every crack. That house was evil.

  Her terrified hysterical call startled him. “...Josh, help me, I don’t want to die, I’m scared, don’t leave me, I don’t want to die....”

  Josh ran towards the screams. He looked over the edge of the cliff. Maria was halfway down, clinging onto a ledge jutting out of the sheer treacherous cliff face. She was screaming hysterically as she looked up at that other Josh in his dream who was just a few metres above her.

  “I love you Maria, you have to take a deep breath and calm down. Try to move to your right. Do it for me please,” that Josh pleaded, his face in torment as her screams pierced his heart. But she could not move, she was paralysed with fear. He could not even reach out for her because he knew that the fragile ledge would crack under his weight and she would immediately plunge to her death. There was nothing that other Josh could do.

  And Josh could not help him either. But, he couldn’t let her die. He could not possibly exist without her by his side; she was his water, that vital ingredient for his very soul. He looked around him in desperation. He was not alone. The ghostlike tall dark-haired man was standing at the very edge of the cliff, his long dark coat billowing out in the wind. He was looking at him, trusting him, expecting him to do the impossible...again.

  “Who are you? You and I, we don’t belong here,” Josh said as he looked at their hazy figures in that vivid world. But the man said nothing. “What do you want from me?” Josh hollered.

  But then the cliff face began to crumble and her screams filled that dimension...

  Josh woke up with a gasp. Thank God, he was in his own bedroom! He looked at his watch. It was five in the morning and he had a splitting headache. They had arrived home less than an hour ago. He rubbed his throbbing temples as he recalled the events of the night before….

  …Maria was emotionally and physically shattered and she slept soundly in the car all throughout the two-hour drive to his home. She completely trusted him to take her wherever he wanted. He put his jacket loosely over her small sleeping form and settled back to sort out his jumbled up feelings as he drove on in silence.

  He realised that they came from two totally different backgrounds. He never had much of a family whereas she was brought up in love and security in a tightly knit environment. This endowed her with certain values that he lacked. She believed in love and marriage and commitment and he believed in none of them. For a start, he had never been in love and marriage was something that never even came within a mile of his thoughts, and commitment, well, that was as distant as the word marriage.

  And the more he thought about it, the more the differences kept pouring in. She was the scientific type and he the linguistic type. She would fit in with Freddie better on that point. She led a more secluded life whereas he was very much in the public eye. He could not see her fit in his way of life. And he would not fit in hers either because he had nothing in common with her ex-fiancée who was obviously her prototype.

  She had this idealistic approach to sex and true love and had never slept with anyone. And he, well, he had lost count of the exact number a long time ago, and he never associated it with love. His past history with women was truly appalling. And if her father disapproved of Rob, he would certainly go ballistic with Josh. Rob must be as tame as a house cat compared to him who was surely a wild vicious lion. Josh must be every father’s nightmare. Well happily this father was not around to approve or disapprove.

  Another crucial point was that she had been in love with Rob, and probably she still was, whereas his heart had never truly belonged to anyone. His heart was the ‘virgin’ so to speak...hers was not, for it had belonged to Rob. If anyone had to feel jealous it had to be him, for the true feeling in one’s heart was what truly mattered, not the number of casual sexual experiences.

  And what about her feelings towards him; apart from the obvious physical attraction that every woman had, there was surely nothing else. No woman ever liked him for anything beyond physical and he did not believe in exceptions to any rules. And what about his feelings? Contrary to her, it was not just physical, she was beautiful but not the most beautiful he had ever seen...but she was the most intriguing and his feelings ran deeper than the surface. It was her soft spoken words and actions that touched his soul, if he ever had one.

  But despite all these differences they had somehow connected and the evening proved to be a totally new refreshing experience for both of them. She had been genuinely interested in his inner thoughts and feelings, and he in hers.

  Well, why on earth was he thinking all this? He was probably just feeling protective after having saved her from certain death. But he did not want her to marry this Rob doctor and he felt strangely envious of him. He also remembered that alien feeling of jealousy as he watched Freddie effortlessly keep up a smooth conversation with her. Why should he feel jealous of both Rob and Freddie? But probably that was not jealousy. It was just sheer decency because, despite his hardened heart, he still
had sound principles about honesty, that basic building block that made up a decent human being, and both Rob and Freddie sadly lacked that precious gift.

  He might feel differently about her in the morning, he concluded as he parked his car in his driveway. If he felt claustrophobic with her around, all he had to do was to move in on her and shock her delicate ideals with inappropriate behaviour. He chuckled as he imagined himself walking about the house stark naked. That would really make her blush. The deal would be broken and he would take her to the nearest hotel. With that in mind, he shook her shoulder and led her inside.

  His villa consisted of an immense circular open living area with a kitchen at the farthest end and four massive downstairs bedrooms on either side of this space. He would not take her upstairs, that was his private library and that was out of bounds and was always firmly locked. Julie’s annexe was next to his outdoor pool, and he tried to emphasize this but she did not seem to be anxious about being on her own with him. He carried her bag into one of the guest rooms on the left hand side of the large lounge. His bedroom was on the right and he told her to let him know if there was anything she needed. She thanked him and wished him goodnight as he went into his own bedroom.

  He just couldn’t sleep and kept tossing and turning. And when he finally succumbed, he was woken up fifteen minutes later by the familiar vivid dreams, only now they had Maria hanging on a cliff in them.

  He knew that he would not be able to wind down and sleep after such a disturbing dream, so he went out into the lounge and started climbing up the stairs to his secret hideout, his library. This was the one room no one could enter. Julie cleaned it twice a year under his own supervision and then he would lock the door. It was his own refuge, his own space, pretty much what his mind had been before he had invited Maria in. The library was impressive, it had all the books he had ever read, and each book was religiously dated with the day he had read it. It was his private collection. Here he was himself with no need for any pretences.