The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  Josh lay down on the luxurious leather sofa, feeling completely shattered. He just stared sadly at the rows upon rows of books. If he had thought that his feelings would disappear in the morning he was deeply mistaken, if anything they were even more potent than the day before, thanks to that weird dream. The tall dark-haired man seemed intent on turning him into the girl’s guardian angel, except that he knew that he was no angel to any woman. Perhaps these were simple dreams just like normal people had, only more vivid, no doubt the product of an overactive imagination. It was hardly likely that they would ever come to life. He should not act on them. No sane person would let their dreams govern their lives. With that in mind, he stood up and chose a challenging book to read, one that would require his entire concentration.

  He must have dozed off for it was past eleven when he finally woke up. He slowly went down the stairs, deep in thought. Maria was already up, looking fresh and beautiful in a catching tight t-shirt that Rita must have packed for her; of course she had had more sleep than him. She was in the kitchen area, all comfortable and happy as she chatted away with Julie just as if she had known her for centuries. He was surprised by this as Julie never spoke more than a couple of words to any girls he brought home for the night, and they, in their turn, never bothered themselves with her. After they left, Julie would occasionally express her disapproval by subtle body language signs such as shaking her head or pursing her lips, but she never pushed her point and as he grew older she interfered less and less with any matters concerning his love life or lack of it.

  Josh wished that he had seen Julie’s face when she saw Maria emerge fully dressed from the guestroom. Girls usually brazenly emerged for breakfast half naked from his own bedroom. This was a first for Josh, he had invited a girl over and he had managed to keep a respectable distance.

  “You look nice,” he said, eyeing Maria up and down and liking what he saw. “Are you satisfied with your new selection of clothes?”

  “Yes, thank you. Rita has excellent tastes. I must insist on paying you for everything when I get my credit cards back.”

  He shook his head and frowned, but said nothing. Her independent streak had come out again that morning and she did not want to be indebted to him. He saw her smile as she assessed him. He turned round and saw his reflection on the oven’s shiny surface. His hair was all messy, standing up on end, he was unshaven and looked too scruffy in a crumpled t-shirt and tight black boxers. He was not vain by nature but he wished that he had thought about it before coming downstairs and he quickly passed his fingers through his hair.

  “So, you have met my adopted mum,” he said as he kissed Julie on the cheek and sat down next to her. Maria could see genuine deep affection between the adopted mother and son. She realised that their close living arrangements was not purely for his benefit as he had told her the night before. In fact their relationship was symbiotic. Julie had given up her life and her nursing career to raise the abandoned child and when he grew older Josh appreciated the fact that she still felt the need to mother him. He knew that he was her one purpose in life and that she had no one else out there. He had not done like most youths did, like Maria herself had done, leave home and savour independence. He would have been perfectly capable of looking after himself, but he never wanted to abandon his nanny after everything she had done for him. And so he built her an annexe and let her fuss over him. Yes … there was a very tender beating heart buried deep within his ice-cold exterior.

  It was a pity that his life had been poisoned by his mother’s presence. He would have had less bitterness and sadness in his eyes if Julie had been given full rights of adoption instead of the status of a nanny where she had to abide by her employer’s rules. But Julie had still managed to instil in him much of his thoughtful, considerate and honest traits. Despite his low opinion of himself, he had acted like a perfect gentleman with her the day before and Maria shuddered to think what would have happened if there had been someone else in that park instead of him. She had completely trusted him from the start and her instincts had been right for once.

  “Maria was telling me all about the latest gossip from England,” Julie said as she gave him a generous helping of eggs and bacon. “I used to live in Great Shelford, which is quite close to where she lives now. Talking about it has made me feel homesick. I would like to visit for a couple of days. Can you survive that long without me?”

  “Homesick? You never wanted to step on that island again, why the change of heart?” Josh asked, deeply amazed. Maria must have messed up with Julie’s head too.

  “Well, it is about time for me to acknowledge and accept my painful past. I have been very lucky to have you to look after, so a good thing must have come out of that accident. And Maria has offered to help me get over any bad emotions should I visit for a holiday. I would like to pray over my daughter’s grave again someday.”

  Josh stared at her with his mouth wide open. He knew that although thirty years had passed from that tragic day, Julie still secretly mourned her dead daughter and husband, and she had once told him that she would only go back to her beloved England in a box. She had always wished it to be her final resting place but going back for a mere visit while she was alive and breathing was too traumatic for her.

  She laughed at his bewildered look. She then turned back to Maria and was soon chatting away as she continued to give a detailed account of how she had lost her husband and daughter, something she never ever discussed, not even with Josh. She was pouring out all her grief and Maria was listening intently as if it were a one-to-one psychiatric session. He observed how Maria seemed to have the raw talent to draw people in by giving them a piece of her undivided attention and asking the right questions at the right time, she was the daughter of a psychiatrist after all. They hardly noticed him sulking next to them.

  For goodness’ sake, Josh thought, what was it with this girl? She had this natural gift of luring individuals into revealing buried thoughts which were never meant to be divulged. He was sure that she could make every hardened serial killer repent for his sins and cry out for mercy. Pity she had not been around to have a one-to-one session with Jack the Ripper.

  He felt anger rise within him as he realised that the day before she had treated him just like any of her patients who needed listening to. He had hoped that her kind soft words and her deep interest in his inner feelings were the result of that weird chemistry between them. But no... She was nice to everyone and not just him. He was nothing special. He meant nothing to her. His heart ached. No, this shouldn’t be happening; his frozen heart had never ached for a girl before. He felt lost and confused.

  “I think we had better set off and do a spot of sightseeing,” he rudely interrupted as he glared at his uneaten breakfast, “unless you want to spend your time in the States giving psychiatric sessions and encouraging people to open up. I should have left you sleeping at that police station last night; you would have made all the criminals there repent for their sins.” He slammed his fist on the table, stood up and headed for the door. He grabbed his car keys and turned round, expecting her to follow him.

  “Josh what is wrong with you? There’s no need to be so rude,” Julie scolded. “Are you going to change first or are you going sightseeing in your underwear today?”

  The Library

  Maria and Josh were on opposite sides of the long private runway. She was distraught and large tears ran down her cheeks as she knelt down beside a little boy who was desperately clutching on to a small puppy. The tall dark-haired man was there too, but no one seemed to be aware of his hazy presence. He just looked on sadly as the woman hugged the boy and said her goodbyes.

  “You will be all right now,” she said in between tears, “You have to give this to daddy and you are to go straight to him. Do you understand?” She furtively pushed a crumpled note in his little hand and pointed towards her husband at the other end of the runway.

  “I’m sorry mummy.”

  “None of this is
your fault, you have to remember that. Now go very slowly, don’t touch any of the wires inside your jacket. Let daddy take it off for you.”

  The little boy turned. He was a miniature Josh down to the last detail. The resemblance was uncanny, his own carbon copy... black hair, black eyes and the same refined chiselled features. Then the boy gathered the small puppy closer to his bulky jacket and started to sprint towards his father....

  Josh woke up, feeling exhausted. He had had the cliff dream every day for the past week, but he had tried to ignore it. It was not as if he had taken Maria to any cliffs on deserted islands that week. Today he was surprised at the change in scenery. He closed his eyes and remembered the boy, his son, and he knew that he had to find a way to make her stay, and he had only one more week to do so.

  That past week had been truly amazing. They had gone sightseeing all over the States. Every day Josh would come up with fresh and stimulating ideas, theme parks, museums, hiking and even an evening trip on a private jet which took them to a deserted spot for dinner. They were very comfortable in each other’s company. His photographic memory, something he had concealed all his life, never ceased to amaze her and he flaunted it at every opportunity. His knowledge was deep and he took her into his own imaginary world, combining fact and fiction, and it seemed as though she wanted to stay locked in that world forever.

  He hated having to share her; he hated sharing her with Julie in the morning, and he was glad when she decided to remove the stitches from her forehead herself after five days. That way he would not have to share her with Freddie. He relished every second with her. He had never been able to talk to anyone this way, it was a completely different Josh. The miserable introvert had changed into this incredibly happy loquacious man. But her past with Rob constantly played on his mind and he never got more intimate than a casual hug because he greatly feared that stiff rejection. He posed innumerable careful questions about her upcoming wedding plans but she always avoided answering them, which made him very angry with her but more so with himself for even caring.

  Josh slowly got out of bed and looked out of his window. It was still early, hardly six, and everything was so tranquil and peaceful. He gazed at the large pool outside and his eyes wandered towards a path that led down to his own private beach. The rising sun was shimmering on the surface of the sea and the waves were lapping gently across the sand. It was all so inviting. Today they would stay here. He was too exhausted. He had tried to shove the dreams out of his conscious mind but they constantly returned more vivid than ever before and he could never go back to sleep after having them. It was still too early for him to go banging on her door so he reluctantly went up to the library for a quiet read.

  It was past nine when he heard her quietly chatting with Julie, they obviously thought that he was still asleep. He quickly locked the library door behind him and went down the stairs.

  “Good morning, Josh. Do you get up in the middle of the night and sleep in one of the upstairs bedrooms?” She had obviously noticed him coming down every morning.

  “No, that’s my library. All the rooms upstairs have been converted into one whole space to house all my books. I’ll take you up there later today if you want to.” Josh saw Julie look up in surprise; he had never shown his library to anyone. That room was sacred to him and out of bounds to everyone else, even to her.

  “You don’t look too well.” Maria passed a finger over the dark circles beneath his eyes. He did look particularly drawn that morning.

  “I’m just tired. I thought that we might stay here today. We can go swimming on the beach and explore the surrounding caves. Did Rita pack a swimsuit for you?

  “Yes, it’s not exactly the right size but it will have to do.”

  He imagined her in a skimpy bikini and a wide grin spread across his face. She soon changed, eager to explore the beach. The bikini top was indeed a size too small but he made a mental note to thank Rita the next time he saw her. It must have been a deliberate mistake, Rita rarely got things wrong.

  He took her hand and strolled down the path towards the beach. Armed with a torch he led her through a small passage in the rock face. The long passage eventually opened into a large cave. There was a hammock hanging down from the roof. This was his other secret place where he would spend hours alone lost in his own thoughts.

  There was a sudden scuffing noise at the back of the cave. “What’s that?” Maria asked.

  “Just a few rats, I suppose.”

  “And you just stay here alone in the dark with rats scurrying around you? Gosh, you are mental.” And she moved closer to him, almost wanting to climb up his chest in fear.

  “They are harmless.” He laughed as he effortlessly lifted her off the ground. “If only I had known that rats would make you run into my arms I would have brought you here sooner. It is you who consented to breaking our deal by wanting to cling to me in this way and you do look really ravishing in that blue bikini. I’m only human after all. So I hope that you will agree with me that I am not breaking any rules by doing this,” and he bent his head towards her and kissed her lightly on her lips. He searched her face to gauge her reaction, but she looked all smiley and fine, indeed she had no intention of breaking their embrace. The rebuff he had feared had not materialised.

  The shrill ringing of his phone shattered the moment.

  “Damn,” Josh swore as he reached into his pocket. It was the police officer they had spoken to a week earlier and Josh put her down and gave her the phone. It was pretty bad timing. He had been thinking of different subtle ways to break that stupid deal all week. And now he had this golden opportunity, thanks to the rats, and it had been ruined by some stupid officer.

  “...Yes, I suppose you can give him this number,” she said hesitantly into the phone.

  “Who is going to call you on my phone?” Josh asked with aggression after she hung up.

  “They raised the alarm back in the UK when no one could contact me. They traced my passport here. They must have thought that I was suicidal or something and they alerted the police.”

  “By ‘they’ you mean that stupid Rob doctor,” Josh spat out.

  “Yes. At least he cared enough to phone and initiate an investigation.”

  “That is very touching indeed. Well, he may have cared but he still cheated on you. How can you even consider speaking to him? And it is not all right to give him my number, I really did not want him to contaminate my phone,” he retorted as he roughly shoved his phone back into his pocket. He forcefully took her hand and led her out of the cave. The moment had been ruined, there was no going back. They walked silently towards the sea. His phone started ringing again as soon as they sat down on the sand. It was Rob. Josh gave her the phone with a grunt and stayed really close to her not even trying to hide the fact that he was closely listening to her side of the conversation. He was feeling very childish and pathetic.

  “I’m fine, in fact I can’t be any better ... Oh shut up, he’s just a friend who has helped me out of a tight spot, I would never sleep with someone just to get back at you. And you are really in no position to tell me what to do.....I don’t know, I haven’t decided what I want yet......Well, you should have thought about that before you slept with her. Listen, I really don’t want to talk right now, please don’t phone again.” She switched off the phone and gave Josh one of her irritated looks, “You could have given me a tiny bit of privacy there instead of breathing down my neck, listening to every word I said.”

  “Well, that’s my phone and I don’t want you drooling all over it. I’ll tell Rita to get you one this evening so that you can have that dirty private conversation with your boyfriend.”

  “I don’t need a phone. Stop buying me stuff. I don’t know how I’m going to take everything back to England. And stop mollycoddling me too. For your information I can jolly well take care of myself if only you would let me. You keep thinking that I am this hopeless imbecile who can’t stand on her own two feet.”

 
“You can’t. You would be in a morgue by now if I had not intervened. I honestly don’t know why on earth I’m bothering with you, I should have walked off and left you to enjoy the consequences of your actions back there in the park. I am sure that the three of them would have taught you a lesson or two about sex. They would definitely have been better than your cheating fair-haired English doctor. Thankfully I will not have to worry about you for long because your holiday will soon be over and you will be Rob’s problem and not mine.”

  She rose to leave, but he held her hand. “I am really sorry. I did not mean anything I just said. It’s just that I feel so tired and snappy today...and I don’t like Rob either, but that is none of my business, I know. I really want you to stay. I need you to help with my sanity, I am just beginning to feel alive for the first time in my miserable life and you can’t stop your therapy just yet. You cannot abandon your reckless patient just because he said some really stupid comments. So please Doctor, forgive me and stay for the rest of the week.”

  She burst out laughing and sat down. “My, you really have a way with words. What is it with the Doctor thing? Now, how can I possibly refuse that? OK then, but I want to set some rules. I want to buy my own things from now on; I want to pay for my share of the food or anything else, I would really like to use my new credit card. ‘I like it’ does not mean ‘I want to buy it’, so please stop buying me things. And yes, I can cross the road on my own, walk on uneven ground and wait by myself for five minutes without being attacked by someone. What happened in that park does not usually happen to me, I was just distracted and I don’t usually walk into danger. So I don’t want you to treat me like a sick invalid from now on.”