Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  Tasha held her head up high. “Not guilty, Your Honor. I intend to prove that I didn’t kill those poor people.”

  Borgrim burst into laughter. “You poor, poor, foolish human. If you had pled guilty and thrown yourself at the mercy of the court, they might have shown pity and reduced your sentence. Now I will make sure that shall not happen. Forthwith, I shall destroy you utterly with the warhammer of justice!”

  “Yes, yes, very good,” said the judge. “Well, you could start by calling your first witness.”

  Borgrim just chuckled darkly. “Then I call Ripgore Blood Slicer to the stand.”

  An orc walked into the courtroom and took the witness stand. It was Mr. Cutlass.

  “Witness, please state your name and occupation,” the judge said.

  The witness cracked his neck. “I am Ripgore Blood Slicer, a lieutenant in the city guard. I am also—”

  “Yes, yes, Ripgore,” Borgrim said, “we don’t need to hear your life story. Just tell us what you witnessed earlier this morning.”

  “I saw the whole thing, because I was there. We had just managed to track down Ally Cat and were giving chase. She led us to the marketplace in question, where a human woman with dark skin and frizzled hair exchanged words with the Ally Cat and interceded in her behalf. She attacked four of my best subordinates with a gunblade.

  “She managed to defeat them all, killing two, disarming one, and severely injuring another. Even though I destroyed her gunblade, she picked up one of their buster swords and threw it at me, knocking me to the ground. She killed me moments later. I just respawned half an hour ago and was brought here to give testimony.”

  “Lieutenant Ripgore,” Borgrim said, waving his hands dramatically, “take a good long look at the people in this courtroom and tell us if anyone here is the human woman in question.”

  Ripgore pointed right at Tasha. “That’s her. I remember her face.”

  The judge turned to the court reporter. “Let the record state that he pointed to the defendant. And what was the name of the human woman in question? Check your battle log. Be precise.”

  Ripgore started tapping at the air in front of him and a moment later said, “Her name was Tasha Singleton.”

  The audience started murmuring to each other.

  “She’s guilty!”

  “It must be her!”

  “That’s what we get for letting humans into the city.”

  Tasha spoke over the crowd loud enough to be heard. “Hold it! I would like to see a copy of your battle log. I ask that a small portion of the attack log be transcribed and submitted as evidence.”

  Tasha was surprised to hear herself saying such things. It was probably an effect of the Legal Beagle ability. Normally she was a quiet and reserved person. A week ago Tasha had been afraid to leave her apartment after dark and couldn’t work up the courage to ask a guy out on a date. Now she was holding her own in a court of law.

  The judge nodded. “Very well, you have that right. Bailiff, bring the witness pen and paper. Witness, please dictate a portion the battle log.”

  It took Ripgore about five minutes to write it out. Tasha took the piece of paper from the bailiff and examined it carefully.

  Critical Hit! Tasha Singleton (Level 7) attacks Berbellik Axe-Rend (Level 5) for 4 damage.

  Berbellik Axe-Rend (Level 5) dies.

  Helbad Bloodrain (Level 5) attacks Tasha Singleton (Level 7) for 1 damage.

  The battle log continued like this for some length.

  The judge turned back to Borgrim. “Do you have any further questions for this witness?”

  Borgrim shook his head and crossed his arms. “No, I believe this constitutes incontrovertible proof that my witness saw the defendant attack and kill several honorable city guards. Judge, I see no reason to continue this farce of a trial. The defendant is guilty, and she just proved it to everyone here. Let’s have a verdict.”

  “It does seem rather airtight,” the judge said. “Very well, I shall now render my verdict.” He raised his gavel, preparing to slam it down.

  This was not going as planned. There had to be something that Tasha could do. Some piece of evidence had to exist that could prove she wasn’t at the scene of the crime… even though she actually was.

  “Objection!” Tasha slammed her hands down on her podium.

  The judge stopped. “Yes, what is it?”

  “I still haven’t cross-examined the witness,” she said.

  “Oh, come on!” whined Borgrim. “We all know she’s guilty! The guard pointed her out and even transcribed the evidence at her request. She’s just trying to waste everyone’s time and make us late for dinner.”

  The judge looked at her with even eyes. “Do you have any evidence at all that you weren’t the attacker? If you can present some evidence, I’m willing to let this trial continue. Otherwise I will render my verdict here and now.”

  Tasha needed to draw this trial out, but did she really possess any evidence that proved her innocence? She ran through her inventory to check for anything that might be relevant. There was nothing. She read again through the transcribed battle log. Why had she thought it was important? Tasha reread the first line:

  Critical Hit! Tasha Singleton (Level 7) attacks Berbellik Axe-Rend (Level 5) for 4 damage.

  There had to be something… Tasha stared at it for several seconds, and then she saw it. “Your Honor, I’m ready to present evidence that I wasn’t at the scene of the crime.”

  The judge looked at her with keen interest. “Really? Such evidence exists? Why didn’t you present it before now?”

  Tasha tapped the piece of paper with her hand. “I didn’t have it before this. The witness was kind enough to give it to me. Ripgore’s battle log contains… a contradiction!”

  The audience again began to murmur again.

  “Order!” The judge banged his gavel loudly. “I will have order in this courtroom! Defendant, show me what part of the battle log contains the contradiction.”

  Tasha pointed to some writing on the paper. “The battle log indicates that the guard was attacked by Tasha Singleton. Right next to the name is a level indicator. The Tasha Singleton in the attack had a level of seven. Isn’t that right, Ripgore?”

  Ripgore again opened his menu and scrolled through the battle log, “Yes, that’s correct. I’m looking at it right now. It says level 7.”

  “I still don’t see the contradiction,” said the judge.

  Suddenly Prosecutor Borgrim staggered backward as though he had been hit. He must have just scanned her. Tasha offered a wicked smile. “I request to be scanned and the results transcribed to the court record. This transcript will prove beyond any doubt that I wasn’t at the scene of the crime.”

  The judge turned to the bailiff. “Bailiff, scan her and write down the results.”

  “No!” cried Borgrim. “Don’t do it! Don’t you see? This is just a stalling tactic! She just wants to continue the trial!”

  The bailiff handed the paper back to the judge, who looked at it. “And where is the contradiction showing that you weren’t at the scene of the crime?”

  “Your Honor, please read the level indicator in the scan. What level am I now?”

  The judge peered at it through his glasses. “It says here level 12. Oh, I see! Yes, that does seem to be a contradiction. If you are the Tasha Singleton described in the battle log, you would have the same level.”

  Tasha crossed her arms triumphantly. “For me to be the same person, I would have had to gain four levels since this morning. I submit to the court that it is impossible for any person to gain four levels over the course of only a few hours.”

  Borgrim physically collapsed to the ground as though he had been struck by a great force. As he pulled himself back to his feet, giant gobs of sweat rolled down his face. His shirt had become ripped at some point during his fall.

  “No!” he cried while desperately trying to regain his composure. “This can’t be. I can’t be defeated here. I
won’t let it happen. Not here. Not now! Not by this… this… human!” He turned to glare at her.

  “You! Human! I demand that you tell me how it is possible for you to not be the same person when you have the same name and even look the same! Tell the court now!”

  It was time for Tasha to put her bullshit artistry to work for her. “Why, that’s actually quite simple. Haven’t you ever heard of identical twins?”

  “Identical… twins?” Borgrim sputtered. “Isn’t that when siblings are born at the same time and look the same?”

  “That’s correct,” she said. “I have an identical twin. It’s really that simple. She’s the evil yet attractive woman that you are looking for, not me.”

  “This is quite alarming,” said the judge, his eyes wide in astonishment. He looked at Borgrim sternly. “Prosecutor Borgrim, did you arrest the wrong sister?”

  “No… no…” Borgrim managed to say. There may have actually been foam coming out of his mouth. Great gobs of sweat were falling to the ground from his face.

  “H-human! If we are to believe that you have an identical evil sister… then why is your name also Tasha Singleton? Answer me!”

  Tasha just smiled slightly. “My father and mother were both rather uncreative and stubborn people. Tasha is the only name they could agree on. Also, it isn’t pronounced the same. My name is TA-sha, but hers is pronounced ta-SHA. That’s how you can tell us apart.”

  At this point, Borgrim must have slipped on some of his own sweat because he fell to the ground a second time, shattering his chair. When he got back to his feet, blood was pouring down his face from where he had hit his head on the podium.

  The judge looked at him pityingly. “There does not seem to be enough evidence to indict the defendant. It appears that she could not have been the same person. Unless you have any other arguments, I’m ready to render my verdict.”

  Borgrim pointed at her with his left hand and declared, “She… might have leveled up since the battle. In fact, the battle itself might have triggered a level up.”

  Tasha pointed back at the prosecutor. She had this trial in the bag, and they both knew it. “Who ever heard of anyone leveling up four times in only a few hours? Witness Ripgore, how long did it take you to reach level 8 from level 7?”

  He looked around sheepishly. “It took me nearly four months of constant level grinding.”

  “And do you believe that it is possible for someone to gain four levels in only a few hours?”

  He shook his head. “No, that’s not possible. As someone who has put hard work into leveling, I can’t believe it.”

  A mischievous grin suddenly appeared on Borgrim’s face. His unbridled panic from moments earlier had all but vanished. “Ripgore, I agree completely. It isn’t possible to level up that quickly. I believe this contradiction can be easily solved.”

  “Really? It can?” asked the judge.

  “Really? It can?” Tasha asked nervously.

  Prosecutor Borgrim nodded. “Yes, I’m quite sure of it. Ripgore, isn’t it possible that you misread your battle log? I mean, seven and eleven both sound the same, and it would be easy to mistakenly transcribe the wrong number from your battle log. Now, transcribe it again, and don’t mess up this time, or you and your men are all fired!”

  “Objection!” Tasha said. “He’s clearly threatening and leading the witness.”

  A tear came to Ripgore’s eye. “No, he’s right. Why do I always mess those two numbers up? I’ll fix it right away, sir. Please don’t fire me. My wife just had a baby and… well… we need the income, or they’ll put us out on the street. We might end up living out of a cardboard box.”

  Borgrim held his belly as he laughed. “Just make sure it doesn’t happen again, foolish underling.”

  “Very well,” said the judge. “Bailiff, make the adjustments to the transcript of the battle record. Tasha Singleton was level 11 at the time she attacked the guards.”

  “WHAT?” Tasha cried, and she fell to the ground in shock from this new development. She stumbled back to her feet and held herself up, holding both sides of the podium.

  Borgrim spread his arms out victoriously. “Well, of course she was! That’s the only thing that would explain how she so easily defeated my incompetent underlings. Well, judge? I think that’s sufficient evidence for an indictment, don’t you? You played a good game, defendant, but your time is over. Oh, how I will enjoy watching you suffer in defeat!” He began to laugh heartily.

  “And now, Your Birdliness, a verdict ,if you please.”

  The judge looked at Tasha. “Does the defense have anything to add before I render my verdict?”

  She thought desperately. There wasn’t anything to show as evidence. She had to prove that she was at level 7 at the time of the attack… but how? If she didn’t continue this trial, she was finished, but there was nothing in her inventory that would convince the judge.

  “I…. um…”

  The judge just shook his head. “I see you have nothing to add. Then without further ado—”

  “HOLD IT!”

  Tasha looked around to see who spoke. It wasn’t her, or the prosecutor, or the judge, or the witness. She looked to the audience and saw a gnome standing upon his chair. The gnome leaped down from the audience seating area and landed on the witness stand, knocking poor Ripgore from his place. The gnome was a nimble little guy.

  Then she realized who it was. This was the gnome who had sold her the sword.

  “I knew you were trouble from the moment I saw you, human,” said the gnome. “This she-human bought a sword from me earlier this morning. I never forget a face.”

  The judge rolled his eyes. “We don’t need your testimony. I’ve already reached a decision.”

  “Wait!” Tasha said. “Your Honor, let me cross examine this witness. I believe I can still prove my innocence.”

  “Very well,” said the judge, “but be quick about it. I’ll have no more shenanigans in my courtroom.”

  “Yes, Your Honor.” Tasha then addressed the gnome. “Tell me more about the sword that you sold me… I-I mean her. Tell me about that weapon.”

  He grinned at her. “I remember it perfectly. I take my business very seriously, you see. You asked if I had any gunblades for sale, so I showed you the Namaka, a water-based gunblade.”

  “And did you have any other gunblades in stock?”

  “Yes,” he said. “I had two other gunblades for sale.”

  “I see. And did you show these other two weapons to this woman?”

  “No, I didn’t,” he admitted, shaking his head. “One of them had a level 14 restriction, and the other had a level 9 restriction.”

  She looked at the gnome thoughtfully. “But that doesn’t make any sense. Why didn’t you show her the sword with the level 9 restriction?”

  “Because she wasn’t high enough level. The only weapon that she met the level requirements of was my Namaka.”

  “Your Honor,” Tasha said, “from this man’s testimony, it’s clear that the person this gnome sold the sword to was lower than level 9. I’ve never seen this man before in my life. My twin sister must have purchased the Namaka from him. I don’t own one myself.”

  “No!” the gnome said. “It was you! I’m sure of it! You must have the Namaka in your inventory right now!”

  The logic of his argument took Tasha by surprise. She almost lost her footing but remained standing. Glancing at her inventory screen, she saw the Namaka sitting there, just like he said.

  She needed to think of another lie and think of it quick.

  “No, I really don’t. I don’t fight using gunblades. I don’t like them; they’re kind of dumb. It’s like they can’t decide whether they want to be a gun or a sword. Just pick one, right? The design doesn’t make any sense. I prefer other sorts of weapons. Besides, do I really look the same as my sister? Aren’t I actually a little taller than her?”

  “Hmm…” the gnome said, “now that you mention it…”


  Borgrim let out a war cry, lifted his hammer, and slammed it onto his podium, smashing it to pieces. “This is my weapon, human! Let’s see yours. If you really have a twin sister, you should be able to show that you have a different weapon. And don’t try to say that you lost it or don’t use weapons. You couldn’t have reached level 12 without a powerful weapon. Besides, you were caught entering through the city gates. Nobody would travel outside the city without a weapon.”

  The judge nodded. “Defendant Tasha Singleton, can you present your weapon to this courtroom? If you really don’t have the Namaka in your inventory, you should be able to show me another weapon.”

  “Of course,” Tasha said, opening her inventory. She pulled out the silver dagger that Kiwi had given her earlier. She held it for everyone to see. “This weapon is mine! The princess herself gave it to me. Why would I use any other weapon when I have a dagger of such value?”

  “Bailiff, bring that dagger to me,” said the judge, who then proceeded to inspect the dagger. “This is indeed a weapon belonging to the Questgiver royal house. It seems that this merchant must have sold the weapon to her twin sister after all.”

  “N-no!” cried Borgrim. “This can’t be! It’s impossible! I can’t lose! I’m undefeatable!”

  The gnome looked at her, confused. “So… I really did sell the Namaka to your evil identical twin sister?”

  “I’m afraid so,” Tasha lied, nodding her head.

  “I’m ready to lay down my verdict… Unless there are any other last-minute interruptions…”

  Tears were running down Borgrim’s face. He just stood there amidst the shattered remains of his podium and chair with his hands covering his head. His comb-over had come undone, and he’d torn out his few remaining bits of white hair.

  “Very well, then,” said the judge. “In the trial to determine the guilt or innocence of Tasha Singleton on the charges of assault and murder, I find her… not guilty!”

  There was a popping sound, and she saw what appeared to be swallows flying overhead carrying open bags of confetti that rained down on the open courtroom.