Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  Congratulations! You have reached Level 2 in Bullshit Artist.

  Your lies will now be 10% more creative and people will have an additional 4% chance of believing them.

  Tasha met her friends outside. Ari and Pan were waiting for her. Hermes and Slimon were there as well, still munching on popcorn.

  Ari clasped her on the shoulder. “I’m impressed by how well you did in court. It’s hard to believe that you’re the same woman I met a week ago.”

  “Thanks,” she said.

  Looking up at her, Hermes said, “That was some amazing deception you spun out there in that courtroom. I’m shocked that they fell for it.”

  Tasha motioned at the exit. “Well, let’s get going. It’s time to finally meet the king. Maybe now I can finally get some answers.”

  They left the courthouse and started back on the path to the palace. Aralogos had been thoughtful enough to leave Denver at the city stable after returning the rental raptors. Tasha wanted to check on Denver, but she would have to tend to it later.

  One mustn’t keep royalty waiting, after all.

  Chapter 21

  Brightwind Keep

  In this week’s Who’s Who in Royalty, we go in depth with the exiled Prince Hermes. Hermes was raised by the Questgivrian royal family from a young age. He is a familiar face in the capital city of Brightwind, particularly the drinking establishments, and is known to have a taste for Dwarven Death Whisky. He is a close personal friend of Princess Kiwi and is best friends with Sir Slimon, a paladin and knight of the realm.

  His father is Dourmal, son of Thronin and King Under the Laundry Mountain. After ascending to the throne, Dourmal made some unpopular decisions, including the exile of dragons from the mountain. He began to see enemies everywhere and would spend entire weeks in solitude. The paranoia had grown so great that when his son, Hermes, was born, he saw his own newborn son as a potential threat and tried to kill him. He drew his great axe and brought it down on the newborn child before he could be registered at a save point.

  Somehow Dourmal missed and only took his son’s arm. One of the nurses took him from the room and registered him at a save point, but the damage was already done. The first time a person uses a save point, their physical template is locked, including any deformities or injuries.

  The dwarven nurse who rescued Hermes feared for his welfare, so she took him to the elves, who have raised him ever since.

  Excerpt from “Who’s Who in Royalty” in the Adventurer’s Digest, Billbember 3202, 3E edition

  The journey through the city to Brightwind Keep took nearly an hour. It was early evening, and the sun was setting.

  As they approached the castle entrance for the second time, a different elven guard stood at attention. Fortunately, Tasha had Kiwi’s dagger, so she wouldn’t have to convince this guard to follow a new career path just to gain entrance.

  Tasha looked at the guard, invoking her Scan ability:

  Torrin Evenhame

  Race: Elf

  Level: 64

  Characteristics: Loyal to the king, never retreats in battle, cruel to enemies

  Relationship: In an unhappy marriage. One child, male.

  Likes: Elven cuisine, sword combat, elven brothels

  Dislikes: Humans, dwarven singing

  Her scan ability was much more useful than she had expected. Tasha held out the dagger. “I’m here to see the king, Lord Iolo Questgiver. Princess Kiwistafel gave me this dagger so that I could gain entrance.”

  The guard looked at the dagger. “Very well. You are expected inside.”

  Upon entering the castle, they walked down the great aircraft-hangar-sized hall toward the door on the far side. There were guideposts indicating the correct way forward.

  As Tasha was walking, she felt a tingle in the back of her neck and somehow felt that she was being followed. She turned around and saw an elven guardsman in the distance. He was shadowing her, though he wasn’t coming too close. It seemed they didn’t fully trust a human not to make off with the silverware.

  They entered the throne room, and there were three figures, each sitting upon a throne. Princess Kiwistafel sat to the left alongside the king and queen. Hiding in the shadows lurked Snickers the Bumble, a wide, ever-present smile on his face.

  As they approached, Ari signaled for them to stop a few paces from the stairway, which held the elevated throne. Tasha looked to her side and saw that Ari, Pan, and Prince Hermes had already assumed a kneeling position. She quickly got to one knee as well. Then she noticed that her companions had all lowered themselves to the other knee, so she quickly changed from one to the other.

  The king himself was a tall elven man of moderate age. No elf that she’d seen so far could be described as elderly, but somehow he looked older than most. His features were both powerful and beautiful. He was dressed in black robes and had pitch-black hair.

  “Please stand,” he said. “I’m to understand that you rescued my beloved daughter. The kingdom is indebted to you, and so am I.”

  She got to her feet. “Thank you, my lord.”

  Tasha hoped she’d said that correctly. Would Majesty or Highness have been more appropriate? Proper etiquette around nobility wasn’t something that she was overly familiar with. Most of what she knew about addressing kings she’d learned from binge watching Game of Thrones and Merlin. Maybe she should have let someone else speak first and then followed their lead. Whatever the case, the king took no notice and continued speaking.

  “As a small sign of our gratitude, we have prepared a reward for you. The bridge to the north that serves as our main connection to the Slime Federation has been destroyed in a recent storm. I have decided that it shall be rebuilt in your honor.”

  “A… bridge, my king?” Tasha said in a deadpan voice. “I saved the princess, and you are building a bridge in gratitude? No offense, but that sounds more like a public works project than a proper reward.”

  He continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “She also told me something else about you that I find more challenging to believe. She told me that you are a player.”

  “I am a player, Your Grace,” she said. Dammit, why hadn’t she stuck with “my lord”? That one was at least safe!

  “You must forgive my curiosity,” King Questgiver said. “There hasn’t been a player in Etheria for hundreds of years. And now, the clocks throughout the kingdom have all turned into countdowns, and under a week later, a person claiming to be a player appears. What am I to make of this?”

  Tasha considered her words. How much should she tell him? Tasha had come here to learn about the countdown and what it represented. She had no reason to hold back information from him.

  “I witnessed the same events on my world before I was brought here. Every clock that I could see had changed into a countdown. I was offered a choice by an eidolon to travel to this world, and I accepted. When I arrived, I met Ari and his daughter, who have served as my guides.

  “At his advice, I traveled here to seek your counsel. It took us about a week to arrive. When we got here, we discovered that the princess had been kidnapped by ninjas, so we set out to rescue her.

  “Tell me, Your Grace, do you know what the countdown signifies? Do you know why I was summoned?”

  The king stood from his throne. “We do have some knowledge about that. We will discuss that in greater detail later. For now, we would have you all join us for dinner.”

  “Pfffpt!” said Slimon.

  “I couldn’t have said it better, honey,” said Kiwi. “Tasha, we’ll meet you and your company at the atrium.”

  The queen turned to a middle-aged human servant woman who stood off to the side. “Alina, escort our guests to somewhere they can clean up, and then bring them to the atrium.”

  Tasha was escorted to a small room at the bottom of a curved glass tube dotted by holes to allow in air from outside. As she entered, she came to the realization that it was a lift. When Tasha had seen the castle from the outside for the first t
ime this morning, there were circular rings that hugged the castle. She had seen a light moving along one of those rings. At the time, she thought them mere ornamentation, but now she understood that they were actually transport tubes designed to ferry people to different sections of the castle.

  The servant who was escorting them shut the door, and a moment later it began to move upward at an angle along the direction of the tube. There wasn’t anything supporting the lift floor—it was being elevated through magic. The entrance hall shrank away from her as the lift slid through an exit in the wall.

  The lift was now outside the castle, and Tasha gaped in awe at the castle city of Brightwind stretching out before her. The glass tube was now a series of transparent bars, close enough together to prevent anyone from falling out but wide enough to allow air to pass through.

  After a few minutes, the lift reached a connection point. The servant reached through an enclave and turned the lever in one direction. The lift began moving laterally and toward another part of the castle. As the lift passed into the room, a large apartment was revealed.

  “These are the guest quarters,” Alina said. “There’s a private bathhouse you can use, and I’ll prepare a change of clothes for each of you. Well, except for the slime. I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

  “Ppppt!” he said.

  “Oh, so you’re Sir Slimon. The princess has spoken about you. Incessantly and in great detail, actually. Ahem, as I was saying, please use these rooms as you see fit. I will return to collect you in an hour for supper.”

  Taking a bath was a rare and wonderful experience. Tasha hadn’t properly bathed since arriving in this world. The Cleanse spell was effective in keeping her clean, but it didn’t have the relaxing and recuperative properties of an actual bath.

  When she was done, there was a set of clothing waiting for her a nearby dresser. It looked similar to the elaborate dresses that elves tended to wear. Maybe it was a touch more elaborate than she was used to, but the keep was a formal setting.

  Tasha met up with her colleagues, and their guide used the lifts to carry them to the atrium. The altitude presented a magnificent view of the city below. The sun was just beginning to brush the horizon.

  Surrounding Tasha were gardens containing all manner of flowers and artistic statues. A translucent crystal fountain occupied the center of the atrium. Everything in this place seemed elaborate and beautiful.

  Another elven servant entered. “Presenting His Majesty, Lord and Protector of the Realm, King Iolo Questgiver, along with his wife, Queen Kiwano, and the Crown Princess Kiwistafel Questgiver.”

  The three of them entered the room through a doorway at the far end of the atrium. Their guide ushered Tasha to a large table, and she took a seat, putting herself between Ari and Slimon. Slimon’s chair was somewhat different from hers in that rather than a regular human seat, it had an insert that would hold him and stop him from sliding off the chair, just like his saddle.

  All manner of dishes were laid out on the table, most of which she didn’t recognize. The roast chicken seemed safe enough, but Kiwi insisted that Tasha try one of the brontosaurus ribs. Tasha hadn’t actually seen any brontosauruses in the wild, but if this world had velociraptors, it wasn’t really that outlandish a possibility.

  It turned out that brontosaurus tasted nothing at all like chicken. Beef would be a much closer comparison. It was served with a sweet and spicy brontosaurus sauce.

  Watching Slimon eat was an interesting experience. Tasha did her best not to stare, but she was curious. When Slimon drank his wine, he formed a thin tentacle that went inside of the glass. The level of the wine in the glass went down and traveled through his slightly transparent tentacle into his main body.

  He didn’t use utensils. In fact, Tasha had never seen him using weapons or tools, either. Instead he simply absorbed the food into his body.

  Tasha tried to start up a conversation with Slimon, but the language barrier made productive communication impossible. She tried to figure out the basics, but he only seemed to communicate by saying “Pfffpt” or something similar. How exactly that translated into a language, she had no idea. Maybe one day Tasha would have the opportunity to find out.

  During dinner, there was no discussion of the countdown or other serious topics. Queen Kiwano was sitting across from her and wouldn’t stop thanking Tasha for rescuing her daughter.

  She listened raptly as Tasha recounted the story of the rescue, wisely leaving out the part where she accidentally murdered the city guard and collaborated with the thieves’ guild.

  As everyone finished eating, the soft pitter patter of raindrops began to fall. At first Tasha thought they would have to move inside, but Queen Kiwano asked a servant to turn on the atrium shield. The human manservant raised a lever on some sort of machine set in an alcove. As soon as he did this, the rain stopped hitting the floor and instead splashed against an invisible dome. Lines of rainwater ran down the magical shield, falling outside of the atrium.

  The food had been cleared away. Ari was reclining against the wall while Pan was showing off Tasha’s phone to the dwarven prince and Sir Slimon. That left Tasha alone with the princess, the king, and the queen.

  Lord Iolo Questgiver turned to the short figure lurking in the shadows. “Snickers, tell me the truth. Is this woman an incarnation of the player?”

  The jester made a mighty leap, vaulting over the royal family and landing on the table right in front of Tasha. His elongated nose was mere millimeters away from hers. Such a jump must have taken either a great deal of precision to pull off or a great deal of luck. Tasha was betting on the former.

  He jumped off the table and circled around Tasha, sniffing at her. She watched him nervously as he turned his monstrous ears to listen to her heart. He rapped twice at her head with his fist. It didn’t hurt but wasn’t comfortable either.

  “Snickers,” said King Questgiver, sighing, “haven’t I asked you not to invade the personal space of others? Tell me what you’ve found.”

  Snickers grinned even wider than before.

  “The girl is a player, a consumer of games,

  you need have no doubt that she is what she claims.”

  The king nodded gravely. “So it’s true. Then the kingdom must turn to you for aid as my family has many times in the past.

  “My apologies for his behavior, but I had to be sure. Snickers is my advisor. If he says that you are the player, I believe him. I’ll make sure he doesn’t trouble you in the future.”

  “Your advisor? What is he, exactly? I’ve heard… interesting stories about him.”

  “Some leaders choose to surround themselves with advisors who tell them what they want to hear and don’t provide useful counsel,” the king said. “I didn’t want a yes-man serving as my chief advisor.”

  “So you decided to go with evil clown instead?” Tasha asked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion.

  “Tasha, please,” Ari said. “You are in the presence of the high king. You can’t talk to him that way.”

  Tasha lowered her head. “Forgive me, Your Grace.”

  “It’s quite all right,” said the king. “I prefer that you speak plainly. We have much to discuss. I have learned what the countdown signifies. There will be a council meeting tomorrow morning. Let us retire for the evening, and we will continue this discussion on the morrow. Please remain in the castle tonight as our guests.”

  “Thank you, Your Grace,” she said.

  As she stood to leave, Queen Kiwano said, “Tasha, don’t forget to loot the castle for treasure chests.”

  “Treasure chests? You mean you’ve got treasure chests lying around the castle and you’re cool with me looting them?”

  “Of course,” said the queen. “That’s what treasure chests are for. Aren’t there treasure chests in the world of players?”

  “Not really. At least, we don’t leave them lying about for anyone to pillage. Can you explain them to me?”

  “Of course, Pl
ayer Tasha. Treasure chests are naturally occurring artifacts that appear in dungeons. Each one contains a random treasure that is different for everyone who opens it. Each person can loot it once and only once. We place the harvested treasure chests in public areas around the realm for the welfare of the people. They expire after about five years of being separated from their dungeon, so we need to continue exploring dungeons to collect new ones. For some reason, they tend to provide better loot when they are hidden or out of the way. That’s why we don’t keep them all in one place.

  “You should open a chest whenever you find one. They are usually placed in areas accessible to the public, but we have some in the castle as well. Look for them in hidden alcoves and out-of-the-way areas.”

  She indicated a large chest hidden in the corner. “There’s one here in the atrium. Please take the contents for yourself.”

  Tasha approached it and looked at the large wooden box. It was large as far as chests went and came up to about her waist. It wasn’t locked, so she opened it. For a moment, light spilled out of it, and an object appeared at the bottom of the chest. It was a small cloth bag of coins totaling 200 GP. She added the money to her inventory.

  Tasha, Ari, and Pan spent the remainder of the evening exploring the castle, searching for chests to loot. In the end, Tasha found several thousand GP, a beef-and-bean burrito, and an iron bangle to replace the one that she’d sold.

  The guest rooms were decently sized and quite comfortable, certainly a far cry better than camping in the cold and unforgiving outdoors. Hermes and Sir Slimon had their own quarters in the castle.

  After Pan fell asleep, Tasha found Ari on the terrace. He was sipping from a glass of alcohol. “Ah, Tasha. Care to have a drink with me?”

  She sat next to him. “No, thanks. I don’t drink alcohol. What is that you are drinking, anyway?”

  “Dwarven Death Whisky. I’ve never had the chance to try it before now. It’s rather famous, but dwarven imports were hard to come by back in Zhakara. Are you sure you don’t want to try some? There’s some elven wine if you prefer.”