Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  “It’s not weird!” Kiwi protested angrily. “We love each other and are going to get married.”

  “Pfffpt,” rebutted Slimon.

  “Whatever, weirdo.” The fairy turned to Ari. “You look like a reasonable guy. If you give us the princess and walk away, we’ll let the rest of you go free. I’ll even pay you for your trouble. See how much sense that makes? You can’t defeat this many of us, so why not just give up and make a profit from it?”

  Ari was about to say something, but just then there was a spray of gunfire that shot toward the fairy. Trista Twinklebottom dodged the attacks.

  “So that’s your answer? How predictable and boring. Underlings! Capture the princess and kill everyone else. I’ll be over by that tree taking a nap.”

  The circle off ninjas began to close in. Suddenly, rather than there being 104 enemy ninjas, there were thousands of clones. For a moment Tasha was overwhelmed, but then she remembered that the clones she’d fought earlier were incredibly weak. They could be easily defeated with just a light attack.

  She turned to Kiwi. “Do you have any large area-of-effect spells?”

  “Everyone, gather around me,” Kiwi said. They moved as close to her as possible. Her eyes glowed a brilliant white, and her green air began to lift in defiance of gravity. She performed a quick dance and recited the spell. “Mâhlûr pendarshî kaluhûr!”

  The wind began to rage, forming a cyclone centered around her. Tasha could feel the strong wind blowing even from within the storm’s eye. The ninjas who had been charging her a moment before were now being lifted into the air and flung in all directions. Tasha’s battle log read that ninjas were falling, one after another.

  At one point it read 430 ninjas, most of them clones had no more than a quarter heart of health. All of the clones were killed instantly by the attack, bringing the number to 96. Then 95. Then 88. Then 81. After the wind subsided and the dust started to settle Tasha’s battle log read that there were only 46 ninjas remaining.

  “That was amazing,” Tasha said. “I didn’t know you had a spell like that! You know you’re hogging all the bad guys, right?”

  “Thanks. It didn’t really make sense to use it against the G-Rex, and it uses a large amount of my mana. Now that I’m level 19, I can afford to cast it one more time.”

  “Don’t you dare!” said Hermes. “Slimon and I want some payback too.”

  Hermes opened fire on the surrounding line of ninjas, destroying clones as soon as they were formed and killing the originals once they could be identified. Slimon shot tentacles at the shinobi, lifting them into the air and slamming them against the ground.

  Most of the remaining opponents were between level 8 and 14. Kiwi’s initial Tempest area-of-effect spell had neutralized most of the low-level enemies and damaged those still standing. Tasha was currently fighting five ninjas who had her surrounded. She dispatched one quickly and sliced at another, but he turned into a log and vanished, evading the attack.

  Her Bullet Time ability kicked in, and at that moment, she became aware of a kunai flying at her from behind. Tasha dove to the ground, and the knife flew right overhead. From a prone position, Tasha put her knees close to her face, placed her hands on the ground next to her head, and pushed away, jumping to her feet. She’d seen martial artists and anime characters do this and decided that it looked cool, so she wanted to try it out.

  Once again, Bullet Time was activated, and time slowed down, but Tasha didn’t see anything. Then from above her, the fairy darted into her field of view and stabbed Tasha in the eye with a long, needlelike sword. Tasha screamed as her hand instinctively flew to her now useless eye. The fairy followed up by stabbing Tasha in the neck. Blood was filling Tasha’s lungs, and she was having difficulty drawing in breath. She swung the sword uselessly but had no idea where the enemy was. The fairy was too small and fast for her to catch.

  Then the fairy struck Tasha in the heart. She collapsed to her knees, her life force draining away.

  The fairy spoke. “All you big people assume that I’m weak just because I’m small. Being a ninja isn’t about strength—it’s about stealth, the element of surprise, and speed. Nobody takes the adorable purple-haired fairy seriously because she’s bite sized. Hey, why aren’t you dead yet?”

  While the fairy was blathering on, Tasha had chugged a health potion, restoring her broken eyes and healing her wounds. If Trista Twinklebottom hadn’t stopped to gloat, the fairy would have won for certain.

  Tasha jumped back and put some distance between her and the fairy. She had to think quickly. Swinging the gunblade at the fairy would be a futile effort. Just imagine trying to kill a mosquito with a cutlass. Using projectile attacks would be similarly useless.

  If only Tasha had an area-of-effect attack.

  “Oh, that’s just lovely,” the fairy said. “You healed herself up so I can pluck out your eyes a second time!”

  Tasha needed a way to defeat her. There was no way that she could match Twinklebottom’s speed… Or was there? Actually, there was a way she could do that. Invoking Stat Shuffle, Tasha put everything into agility. Her agility went up to 74 while her strength fell to 2.

  Twinklebottom flew at Tasha, holding out her sword, darting directly for her still aching right eye. The Bullet Time ability went off, and Trista was suddenly moving in slow motion. Tasha moved her hand to catch her and found that moving while in Bullet Time was no longer like wading through marmalade. Before the fairy could reach Tasha, she snatched her up and slammed her to the ground. After a several seconds of tugging, Tasha tore off the fairy’s left wing. She picked up a stone from the ground and began smashing it against Trista’s body over and over.

  “Die!” she screamed as she continued slamming the rock against the small fairy. Each hit took off a quarter of a heart container, but over time it added up. Eventually, Trista managed to wrestle free of Tasha’s grasp. Her health was down to only two heart containers. She began crawling away from Tasha, desperate to escape. The fairy tried to take off into the air, but with only one wing, she flopped back to the ground.

  Tasha held up the stone, ready to bash the fairy’s skull in again.

  Tasha’s companions had gathered around her. The remainder of the shinobi had all been killed by her allies.

  “Aren’t you going to finish her?” asked Hermes.

  “Don’t do it,” Ari said. “She’s defenseless. There’s no honor in killing a defenseless opponent.”

  Tasha willed herself to bring the stone down on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She’d already beaten the fairy ninja into submission. The fairy’s wings were torn, and her allies had all been vanquished.

  “Do it!” spat the fairy.

  Tasha dropped the stone to the ground.

  “No. I can only take pity on you. It’s over, and you’ve lost completely. Never trouble me or my friends again.”

  There was fear and hate reflected in Twinklebottom’s eyes. Tasha mounted Denver, and the party went off to retrieve the raptors and return to the castle. She left the corpse-ridden battlefield behind her.

  “I don’t understand why you didn’t finish her off,” Hermes said. “I don’t think she will be grateful that you spared her.”

  Tasha shook her head. “No. She’ll probably want revenge. It doesn’t matter. I can’t kill someone in cold blood. I still don’t know who I am in this new body, but that’s not the kind of person that I want to be.”

  “You did the right thing, Tasha,” Ari said. “Just as I knew you would.”

  The sun had almost set, but they still had time to return to the castle. Their level grind had come to an end, and the long road remained ahead of them.

  Chapter 25

  Attack of the Flying Monkeys

  Tasha and Aralogos were in the castle’s library, looking over a large map. They had been in heated argument over which course they should take.

  Ari pointed to a gnomish city to the north. “If we traveled north to the city-state of
Gnome’s Rule, we could hire an airship captain to take us directly to the tower, bypassing the Uncrossable Veldt and sailing right over the Bog of Most Likely Death.”

  Tasha shook her head, objecting to this plan of action. “No, we would be heading in the wrong direction. It would take us months to reach Gnome’s Rule on foot. We could travel straight to the tower in the same amount of time.”

  Ari stood his ground. “Yes, it would take the same amount of time, but with my route we never have to leave the safety of Questgivria.”

  Tasha put her hands on her hips and shifted to one side. “While in Questgivria, I’ve been eaten by a giant dinosaur, had another dinosaur crush me to death, been nearly killed by ninjas—twice—and very nearly become a tasty snack for an oversized spider. What definition of ‘safety’ were you using just now?”

  Ari held up his hands. “Fair enough, but even given what we’ve faced so far, the direct route has even greater danger. Going north is the safest plan.”

  “And what if the gnomes can’t or won’t take us to our destination?” Tasha said. “We would have to turn right back around, and a two-month journey would stretch out to half a year. Winter is coming, man. I’m just saying.”

  It was a moment before Ari responded. “You’re right, I admit it. Traveling north is too much of a gamble. We have no choice but to go east.”

  He drew a path across the bridge to the east and into the Slime Federation. “This is the bridge that the king is building in your honor. From there, we should travel eastward cross country. Once we leave the borders of Questgivria, we should avoid the main roads. I think we can assume that Queen Murderjoy is hunting the princess, and it won’t be long before she learns of our quest, if she hasn’t already. Moving across open country is slower, and we will need to avoid higher-level zones.

  “The Uncrossable Veldt serves as the natural border of the Slime Federation. As the name suggests, we won’t be able to cross on foot, but there is a dwarven locomotive that runs across it. The final leg of the journey is the Bog of Most Likely Death. Most travelers simply go around it, but we’ll have no choice but to travel through it to reach the tower. I have no idea what dangers lurk therein, but based on the name, I doubt we will be able to pass through it without incident.”

  “Listen Ari,” Tasha said, “I’m very happy to have both you and Pan along, but you don’t owe me anything. You don’t need to come if you don’t want to.”

  “We both want to come with you. We’ve already decided this.”

  “But why? When we first met at the Temple of the Player, Pan said you were searching for a cure. Is it a cure for her autism?”

  Ari looked away. “I can’t talk about that. I’m sorry, but even between friends, some things must remain secret. Her secrets aren’t mine to tell.”

  He put both hands on her shoulders. “Tasha, we’re here for you because we’re your friends. Our other quest is of secondary importance.”

  “Thanks, Ari, but whatever you and Pan are dealing with, you don’t need to face it alone.”

  “It’s kind of you to worry about us, but your concern is unnecessary. We’ll be fine.”

  He removed his hands from her shoulders. “Now that we have a plan of action, we should meet up with the others. The journey ahead of us is a long one, and time is not our ally.”

  The two of them left the library and made their way to the castle entrance to meet up with the rest of the party.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The six companions left the castle for what would be the last time in the foreseeable future.

  The princess was dressed in simple traveler’s clothes rather than her usual frilly and princessy ensemble. She explained that it would be easier to travel in and help hide her identity. She would switch into her mage’s robes right before any random encounters. The convenience of being able to change clothing by tapping at a menu screen couldn’t be overstated.

  The princess selected five of the swiftest raptors from the royal stables to carry them on their journey. Tasha, of course, would be riding Denver.

  The six adventurers rode side by side through the city streets. A couch potato, a thief, a slime paladin, a human monk, a dwarven machinist, and an elven sorceress.

  They stopped just outside a small stand in the marketplace by the eastern gate. A man in nondescript work clothes and a funny hat was standing under a store awning. The words “Class Change NPC” were floating over his head. Tasha had meant to change her character class, but she’d not had the opportunity to interact with an NPC before.

  The Couch Potato class was certainly powerful, but it wasn’t without its drawbacks. She was always losing stat points and needed to take a TV break every six hours to restore her stats to prevent herself from getting hit by a pretty devastating debuff. The ability to learn any skill by watching the right program was useful, but she didn’t get to keep any of those abilities without constant training.

  Something like a fighter or mage would be a much simpler class to play.

  She dismounted from Denver, and the man spoke as she approached. “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?”

  “Hi,” said Tasha, “I’m interested in changing my job.”

  The man repeated the same phrase. “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?”

  “Um… job change activate?”

  “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?” the man repeated. It turned out that NPCs were not especially engaging conversationalists.

  “Just face the NPC and approach,” Kiwi said. “A menu should appear.”

  “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?” he repeated in response to Kiwi.

  “Oh, be quiet!” said Tasha.

  “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?”

  Not saying anything that might trigger a conversation flag, Tasha approached the NPC. Just as Kiwi had said, a menu appeared. There were options for changing her main class and setting subclasses. There was also a grayed-out option for unlocking new classes.

  “You can unlock classes?” asked Tasha.

  “Greetings, traveler! How may I be of service?”

  Kiwi hit the NPC’s mute button. “Yes. Some classes can be unlocked. If you see a class in the job change menu that’s grayed out, you can unlock it once you reach a high enough level in the required classes.”

  Tasha tapped on the “Change Main Class” button. A large scrollable list of classes appeared. Her current job “Couch Potato” was highlighted. It was certainly a powerful class to have, but she wanted something more combat oriented. Maybe a spellsword-style class.

  She passed over Thief, Pugilist, Paladin, Ninja, Pirate, Alchemist, and stopped at Mage. She would love to be able to spellcast like Kiwi. As a computer programmer, she had a natural advantage. She would probably make a good mage, but that would mean giving up her gunblade. She paused her search at the fighter class. There were major attack buffs, but her magic would suffer. It was tempting, though.

  She scrolled through the different classes. There must have been hundreds. There was Merchant, Chemist, Ranger, Grenadier, Scout, Gunner, Machinist, Priest, Healer, Acrobat, Scanmaster…

  What the hell is a scanmaster? Never mind. She started to scroll into classes that were grayed out.

  “These grayed-out classes. I suppose I need to unlock them by playing as other classes first?”

  “That’s right,” Kiwi said. “Most of them have low-level limits so that they can be unlocked in a single lifetime. I was hoping to unlock the sage class one day. I’ll need to reach level 20 in both healer and mage before that happens.”

  Tasha stopped at one option. It was grayed out but didn’t list the parent classes to unlock it. “What about this one? It says Summoner. The description says I would be able to invoke summoning creatures known as figments.”

  Pan looked away. “Sorry. You c-can’t be a summoner.”

  “Why not?”

  “Summoners are a special class,” Kiwi said. “They are
incredibly powerful. The summoner can invoke figments into the world that are much stronger than the summoner herself. These are mighty beings who fight and serve on behalf of the caster. A figment’s special move can turn the tide of even the most hopeless battle.”

  “Well, that sounds amazing,” said Tasha. “That just makes me want to choose summoner even more.”

  “Weren’t you listening?” Kiwi said. “Pan just told you that you can’t be a summoner.”

  “But why not?”

  “For one thing, you need to be born into it. It’s not something you can unlock.”

  “You mean I have to be a chosen one?” Tasha said. “I’m already a player and the only person who can defeat Entropy, how much more chosen could I get?”

  Kiwi took a deep breath and continued. “Even if you were a natural summoner, there’s still another special requirement that you don’t have.”

  Tasha frowned. “What special requirement?”

  “You have to be a child. The ability to summon figments relies on a child’s imagination. Think of it like having an imaginary friend that can actually fight for you. When a child grows up, they stop believing in imaginary beings. An adult just doesn’t have the necessary imagination and faith. Because of this, only children can fill the role of summoner. In fact, once a summoner reaches adulthood, the class is lost and all experience in that class must be distributed to other classes.

  “There’s a summoner working in the king’s employ. He aids the king by summoning powerful fighters and knowledgeable tacticians.”

  Tasha slumped. “Well, that’s disappointing. Sounds like summoner’s off the table. What about this one? It says Saint. It has high physical and magical attacks, bonuses to ability growth, and several powerful class specific abilities. This is an overpowered class if I’ve ever seen one. What’s the catch?”

  “It’s a third-generation job class,” Kiwi said. “The only way to reach it is to combine the mage and couch potato classes to form the savant class, and then combine savant with fighter.”