The Light Within Me

by Ainsley Earhardt

  December 1, 2007

  I’ve been in New York for almost one year. “From the fullness of his grace we’ve all received one blessing after another,” John 1:16. I just watched a special about the life of Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of Billy Graham. I want to be like her, Jesus. And she and I both want to be like you. Thank you for being an example and sending such an amazing child [Ruth Graham] to follow you. She lived an extraordinary life because her only request was to live in your example. I want to be sharpened and always reminded that serving you is my one and only purpose on earth. I love you. You are my Savior, my leader, my Jesus. All days I want to praise you. I want to love you and please you. Forgive me if that hasn’t been the case. Forgive my sins—the way I talk to my husband, the thoughts that enter my mind, the things that I do and say, losing my patience and being lazy, not witnessing, spending money, being materialistic, and trying to be the center instead of letting you get the glory. Father, let me be a good child. Teach me to represent your family well. That means building up my husband and loving him unconditionally. I’m so grateful that you have—time after time—blessed my life. I have lived all over, attended great churches, have worked on air in my hometown and at the national level now. I am fortunate. But if it all disappeared tomorrow I would be content because no one can take away the one thing I value most and that is my relationship with you. Daily I let others down, and vice versa, but you are forever steady, never changing, always there.

  Tears welled up in my eyes as I wrote those words. Jesus felt so close in that moment. I sensed His love washing over me and filling the room. I meant what I prayed. If He did take everything away, I would be content because the only thing I really need, the only thing I really want, is more of Him.

  It is interesting to think (when we pray prayers like that) we never expect God will really allow the things we love to disappear. The real test of our faith comes when He does. It certainly did for me.

  10

  The Hardest Part

  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

  —PSALM 27:14

  I DON’T LIKE to wait. That is not to say I am an impatient person. I don’t lose my cool if the line is extra long at the grocery store or if the barista takes longer than I expected to prepare my drink. Becoming upset over such trivial things doesn’t please God and it is a poor reflection on me. When it comes to my day-to-day life, I strive to show the fruit of the Spirit, which is patience.

  But I still don’t like to wait.

  Sure, I can wait for my coffee, but when it comes to my career and my goals, I hate it. From the day I transferred to the University of South Carolina, I had a plan for where I wanted to go in life and I wanted to get there as fast as I could. For ten remarkable years everything pretty much went according to that plan. I landed a great job right out of college in my hometown. Within two years I received a promotion and a nice-size raise. Not long after that the morning show I co-anchored hit number one in the ratings and stayed there. Five years after graduating from college I landed my second anchor position in a bigger market for more pay. Two years into a three-year contract in that job, I made the jump to a national news network; only, the move to Fox News was not the end of my journey, more like the end of the beginning. My goal was to keep moving up the ladder and land an anchor position on one of the network’s main shows. After that, only God knew what He had in store for me.

  As I write all this it strikes me how overconfident I must sound. Believe me when I say that is not my intent. In my adult years, my goal was never to become famous or make a name for myself. I believe God gave me the abilities and the calling to be a television host, but all I wanted was to be was in His will. This job is His plan for my life. With that said, I did want to go as far as I could in my profession. I wanted to push myself, always work to improve myself, and become the very best I could be. I also believed that if I did that, the sky was the limit. I think this should be everyone’s personal goal. God is not honored if we shrink back and fail to make the most of every gift He has given us. Making the most of His gifts must not blind us to all He wants to do through the journey.

  Along the way I tried to always remind myself to soak up every experience, to be a good person and let His light shine as bright as possible. I also tried to do the one thing I now tell everyone just entering the business: Enjoy the ride. I did do that for the most part, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you I struggled at times. My Bible study in Texas at Max Lucado’s church prayed for me to get the job in New York (after I flew up to Fox News for the interview). Years later, my Bible study in New York prayed for a new shift for me (I had the overnight shift at Fox News for seven years). Some believe it’s selfish to pray that specifically, but I believe God cares about all aspects of our lives just like I care about my daughter’s and want to know all of her hopes, fears, and desires.

  I was incredibly fortunate. My journey at Fox News was just beginning, but I became the first person to be called if our female weekend anchor took the day off. Occasionally I also filled in for the female anchor on Fox & Friends during the week. I was learning a lot and enjoying the opportunities. I knew the bosses were testing me, and if I did my very best more opportunities would come. And they did.

  At the same time my “reporting” for Hannity’s show quickly became more than doing an occasional piece. When Sean initially asked me to report for him, he was cohosting his weeknight show with Alan Colmes, but was getting his own show on Sunday nights called Hannity’s America. He and his staff created my own segment: “Ainsley Across America.” The graphics department created a map of the United States with me in a convertible driving all over the country and waving to the folks. It was adorable and always put a smile on my face. I covered stories all over the country and learned so much about our communities and cultures and met amazing people. I jumped out of airplanes, flew in a fighter jet, covered the drought in the San Joaquin Valley, flew in a helicopter over the fields where most of America’s almonds are grown, found myself walking in the Mojave Desert, covered spring break in Panama City Beach, Florida (our series led to spring break shutting down there. The bar owners hated us, but the residents and law enforcement cheered us on and still credit Sean Hannity for making Panama Beach safer). At the same time I was still working my overnight shifts, often filling in on Fox & Friends Weekend, and on my days off I traveled for Sean’s show.

  I hardly had a moment to call my own, but I did not mind. Working on Sean’s show, I got positive feedback from his senior staffers, and their words fueled me, helping to build my confidence. A year earlier I’d been watching Sean in Texas; fast-forward twelve months and I was ON his show. God is good! This was another confirmation from the Lord. He put me in the path of yet another powerful, good person who wanted me to succeed.

  After working at Fox News for a little more than a year, I learned Fox & Friends Weekend was about to go through some changes. The weekend female anchor moved to weekdays. That meant the weekend position was open. I started filling in one weekend after another. However, I was never named the formal replacement. I had to wait until the schedule was posted, on Wednesday or Thursday, to learn if I was going to be on the show that weekend. The uncertainty put my life on hold. I couldn’t make weekend plans or go out of town because I wanted to be available to anchor.

  The overnight staff was pulling for me. The overnight team was a tight group, in part because we were all so young but also because we worked tough hours in hopes of getting to the next level. When the weekend schedule was posted, the whole team was excited for me if my name was listed as the weekend host.

  Very quickly I was filling in nearly every weekend. At this point I was working overnights Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, traveling for Hannity’s America on Thursdays and Fridays, and then coming back to New York in time to anchor the weekend morning shows.

  If Hannity’s America asked me to fly to California, I flew to California on Thursday. If they needed me
to jump out of an airplane in North Carolina with the Golden Knights, I did it on a Thursday or a Friday morning. I did whatever they needed me to do. I was constantly rearranging my life to accommodate my work schedule. I rarely had a day off and my sleep schedule was different each day. It was exhausting and grueling, but also invigorating. I felt needed at work and was continuously getting reinforcement from my colleagues. I prayed I’d be named the permanent female anchor of Fox & Friends Weekend. Every weekend I filled in was a working audition. I knew I had to prove myself.

  I never said no to opportunities at work. Fox News never forced me to cover any stories, but because I always said yes, they kept asking. I tell journalism students that hard work is the only way to get to the top. There is no other way. That’s why you must choose a path that makes you happy. When you work hard at a job you love, it doesn’t feel like work. For me, every time I got an assignment that took me all over the country, I felt a rush of excitement. I also knew the story had to be covered. If I said no, someone else would say yes and get the opportunity. This was not about Fox News, this was about me and doing what it took to get my dream job.

  Because my schedule ran week to week I could not make any plans. Weeks of filling the anchor position on Fox & Friends Weekend turned into months. I was exhausted but I kept pushing myself. Deep down I believed that there was no way they were going to have me fill this position for all this time and not offer the job to me permanently. And if they did I would finally be able to stop and breathe both personally and financially. Unfortunately, nothing happens quickly in this business. Contracts, personalities, and ratings are all involved. For all I knew, Fox News was waiting to see how the ratings on Fox & Friends Weekend were going to shake out with me on the curvy couch. That takes time. I learned in local news that it takes two years before viewers start recognizing the anchors. While I was eating, breathing, and sleeping the business, most people watching at home, especially for the weekend show, would tune in one week but be off on vacation the next and never turn their television on. It takes a while for the network to figure out a combination that’s going to work long term with viewers.

  I also had some work to do on how I was broadcasting. Around this time, I got some feedback that I needed to be more comfortable, more myself on camera. That surprised me because I thought I was being myself. The more I thought about it though, the more I understood the truth to the feedback. It was hard not to worry about what others would say or how I would come across. The problem was that I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to loosen up on television to that degree. I wanted the audience to see Christ in me and wasn’t sure if I should open up. Eventually I would get to a place in my career where I was able to do that, but I wasn’t there yet. I had work to do.

  In the end, I didn’t get the position on Fox & Friends Weekend. It was an incredibly difficult blow, especially because now there was no end in sight, no rest ahead. I had to keep pushing and pushing and working and working. I didn’t know how much more I had in me. The days after I did not get the job were quite difficult for me, but they were also crucial for my growth as a child of God. I had been waiting on Fox News executives to make up their minds, but I was reminded that I am not supposed to wait on my employer or anyone else. As a child of God, I am to wait upon the Lord. He is the only one who can see my future. If God changes the direction of my life, He has a reason. Maybe He knew I wasn’t ready and I was going to fail. Maybe He wanted me to hold on a little longer so that He could bless me with a different position (which is what happened). I didn’t know the reason, but I trusted Him and kept surrendering all to Him.

  I spent the next few days in prayer, leaning on the Lord. I found the strength in Him that allowed me to go in to work on Monday and keep doing the job God had given me. My coworkers were so supportive. They all encouraged me and let me know they were thinking of me as I went through this trial. Their encouragement helped. But what helped the most was my relationship with the Lord. I was so tired and I needed Him more than ever. I felt like I was falling at His feet and He was picking me up and carrying me, telling me to trust Him. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” That’s what I had to do.

  The lessons I learned through this waiting were crucial as they gave me the strength to persevere through these challenges at work. But as it turned out they would become even more important in the months ahead, preparing me for a storm I never thought I’d face.

  11

  Someplace I Never Thought I Would Be

  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.

  —JOB 1:21B

  THE DAY I got engaged to Kevin, one of my dearest, oldest, and closest friends, Cindy, gave me a new journal. On the first two pages I wrote out Proverbs 31:10–31, which was followed by this prayer:

  Jesus, the wife of noble character is exactly who I want to be. I promise to do my best to live up to those standards as a wife. I pray that my husband calls me blessed because of the love that I give him. I pray that we have healthy, beautiful lives. Smart, Christian children. I pray we as parents are the best influences that we can be. I pray for your grace and that I can be a wife who loves a lot, laughs often, and is full of grace. I want to be the most outstanding wife. I pray that through experience, prayer, Scripture, other Godly women, and a blessed marriage, you teach me how to be a wonderful wife. I also pray that this journal is a path into my heart. I pray that I journal our engagement experiences and cherish these always. Please be with me, make us loving and secure and teach us to live for you and not ourselves. Thank you for blessing me with great parents, a wonderful grandmother, and my grandparents who are already with you, Mimi, Pop, and Lewie. Thank you, of course, for a God-fearing fiancé and his family. I love you and I pray for peace. Love, Ainsley.

  About six years later I penned another journal entry, one I never thought I would write:

  God, today my husband and I had a tough talk. My heart was broken. He explained honestly why he hasn’t given his heart to me completely . . . I’m devastated. It was very hard to hear because he was telling me that he doesn’t love me the way he once did. All this time I have been wrong. I thought our love was mutual. I didn’t think he could survive without me. In reality, it’s the other way around. He will be fine without me and at the same time I’m glad he was honest. This explains why he’s not romantic. I pray those feelings will come back to him. I pray you will change his love for me and make it stronger. If not, I pray that you will take care of me and watch over me. Please don’t let us have a family until his love for me is faithful, never failing, and true. Thank you, Lord. Although today was painful I know that I am one step closer to you and for that I am grateful. Your daughter, Ainsley.

  They were hard words to write. Even now, all these years later, looking back over them reminds me of the dark place I was in then. As God would soon show me, it was of course all part of His plan. But it would take time before I could understand it—and I had to go through plenty of darkness to get there.

  In truth, that journal entry had been coming for a while. Ever since my work schedule had begun to consume my weekends, things had grown increasingly difficult for Kevin and me. For years, during football season, my husband and I would fly back to South Carolina to see the Gamecocks play on the weekends. We had a parking spot for tailgating next to all of our closest friends and great season tickets. But once my work schedule at Fox News took over my weekends, Kevin began going without me, and the distance exacerbated the strain on our marriage.

  It wasn’t just football, of course—part of the problem was that my time was rarely my own. I remember being in New York working during Thanksgiving and Kevin decided to go home to South Carolina without me. Granted, I gave him permission to do it, but that didn’t make being alone on the holiday any easier. I remember looking out of our apartment windows, talking to my family on the phone (as they celebrated together back home), and feeling so alo
ne on that holiday. It felt like a normal day in New York, but I knew families all over the country were celebrating together, including everyone I loved. I reminded myself there would be many more Thanksgivings and sacrificing one for my family’s future was worth it. Plus, anchoring on the holidays was always a fun experience. The shows are jam-packed with festivities and positive pieces. But once the show was over I was still all by myself in an empty apartment.

  Over time moments like these took their toll on both Kevin and me. By the time we had the conversation that I wrote about in the journal, it had grown difficult to salvage the relationship. We were going in different directions, but also there were some trust issues I couldn’t get past. Six months later we separated permanently. The following March the judge signed the divorce decree, and just like that, it was over. A signature made it permanent and final. In a way the divorce had been a long time coming, yet it was over in a heartbeat.

  When I had walked down the aisle and recited my vows to God, I assumed our marriage would last forever. I committed myself to my husband, and more than that, I committed myself to the Lord. I fought to make the marriage last, and I was so angry at Kevin for not fighting and just letting me go. But things had happened that eroded the trust that is essential for any marriage to survive. Once that was gone, there was no hope of saving anything. It was heartbreaking and sad, but when the end came, I was ready to move forward.

  Of course, as much as I could understand why the relationship had to end, divorce, for me, felt like another failure. Kevin was the first man I had truly loved and I was worried I would never feel that again. I had a hole in my heart and a pit in my stomach. Other people who had gone through the same experience told me it would take about five years to heal completely. I had dated Kevin for five years, was married for five, and now I had to go through the anger and grief for five more years? I wasn’t sure I had the strength. Still, I remember my mom telling me that some people go their entire lives without finding love, and I was grateful I experienced it briefly.