The Light Within Me

by Ainsley Earhardt

  Rather than giving up on life, I chose to look ahead and fight for my future. I once heard someone say that the present is a present. It’s a gift from God. That’s where I chose to live. You cannot look back on your past and ask yourself “what if?” and beat yourself up for not making different decisions. When it comes to my first marriage I can honestly say that I did my best. I did my best to be a great wife. That’s all anyone can ask of themselves. I wrote out a list of all the things I wanted to do differently if I ever fell in love again. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes and didn’t want to compromise. I knew what I needed in a marriage and I actually knew myself better than ever.

  On December 1, 2007, when I thought my marriage was strong, I wrote a journal entry (shared in chapter 9), and at the end of the entry I wrote, “But if it all disappeared tomorrow I would be content because no one can take away the one thing I value most and that is my relationship with you.” With the divorce “all” had not disappeared, but a huge part of my life, a huge part of me, had. Now I had to choose what I was going to do. I had always chosen to look forward, but that wasn’t the only decision I had to make. Every person who goes through a life-shaking trial must decide how the pain they experience will impact their relationship with God. It is easy to love God when life is good, but when things get hard, what then? For years I’d walked from one blessing to another. Now my life was taking turns I did not expect and did not want it to take. I had to choose how I would respond.

  To me, there was only one answer. When my marriage fell apart and my career did not go as I wanted, I found God was the only One I could truly rely upon. When others let me down, I knew He never would.

  The day I moved into my new apartment, completely on my own after the separation, I wrote another journal entry:

  Today is the beginning of a new life. I have packed up all my boxes and the movers just arrived. Not taking much with me but see this more as an advantage, a chance to start fresh. First, I look to you, Lord. Please be with me on my new journey. Guide my path. Help me make wise decisions and follow you every step of the way. Please be with Kevin and heal him of hurt, anger, and bitterness. Give us both peace as we try to figure out what is best for our lives. Psalm 124: “Be strong, take heart all you who hope in the Lord.” Proverbs 16:3: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.” Today is June 2, 2009.

  The divorce was something I never wanted, but when it came, I knew that I was going to be all right because my God was never going to leave me or forsake me. I shed so many tears and had so many difficult days through the midst of it, but I was never alone. My Father was there, holding me. He was faithful. He always is.

  I had no way of knowing it then, but the divorce was just one part of what would be my most amazing year yet, a year that showed me who I really was, and what God really had in store for me. My Jesus year.

  12

  Beauty from Ashes

  Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

  —PSALM 31:24

  God,

  It is September 19, 2010, 10:41 P.M. This means I only have a little more than an hour remaining in my Jesus year. Your son died at thirty-three years old and my thirty-third year has been my favorite thus far. Thank you for making each year better. A lot has happened. Let’s reminisce.

  The big one. My divorce was finalized. At times the pain has become easier and less frequent, I am so grateful. Once again, you made my wrong right.

  I have had a lot of fun going on dates with nice gentlemen.

  I went to Paris and I went to L.A. Both were on my bucket list.

  My brother got engaged.

  Overall great, big, fabulous life full of dreams coming true. Love, happiness, joy, and hope for even more. You have blessed me, God, more than I could have ever believed was possible. Thank you. I am sad a little because the weekend is over. The friends have gone home. The birthday party is over. It went by so quickly.

  Now let’s talk about my career. First, it’s been an exciting ride. To be on national television is a dream. Now I pray God please allow me to be a part of a show where I can show my personality and have fun. Please give me a chance—if you think that’s what’s best. Okay, I’m writing this and I’m realizing that I have been praying the wrong way. God, only you can see the future. Only you know what will happen, what is best for me and up ahead. Therefore, it should be so easy to pray about my career. Forgive me for my fear, unbelief, and selfishness. I pray that based on your knowledge, you will put me where you want me. Put me where YOU want me. Help me to be content and joyful right here at Fox News on the overnight shift. Thank you for giving me exactly what I need at this perfect, right time. I trust you and I give you my life and my future.

  Now it is 11:07. I have fifty-three minutes left in my thirty-third year, my Jesus year. I have a great life, I have a lot of fun, and I love loving you, God. It’s been the biggest joy and most rewarding experience out of every year, hour, or moment. What a journey. I love you and thank you. Can’t wait to tell you in person one day.

  I WROTE THE above in my journal during the final hour of my thirty-third year. As it says, the year had been amazing, the best year of my life. However, it didn’t start out that way. My “Jesus year” started with the cold, hard reality that my marriage was over. We tried to salvage it, but in the summer of 2009 I knew the damage that had been done was terminal. When I moved into my own apartment and the divorce was final, I did my best to be positive and look ahead. However, no matter how positive and forward-looking you may be, divorce exacts a toll on you.

  At least it did on me.

  The months of uncertainty left me exhausted. I had a deep, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. There were days when I nearly doubled over from it. The pain made me lose my appetite and I lost a lot of weight. I have heard this referred to as “the divorce diet.” I never felt like eating. I found myself in tears at the most inopportune moments. I felt sad, hurt, embarrassed, so much like a failure and humiliated by it all. Sometimes I wondered if I would ever feel like myself again. I also wondered how and why this had happened. I had been a good wife. I was certain of that. But it wasn’t enough, which made the pain even worse.

  I know many relationships fail and I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. It all ended up turning out just fine, but I want to be honest, share my experiences, and hopefully help others with similar stories.

  The summer after we separated the stress just never left me. If I happened to wake up in the morning and feel like myself—it lasted for a split second, just long enough for reality to set in. All at once I’d remember what was going on and what had happened, and the stress would come flooding back. In addition to being a nervous wreck and not eating much, I stupidly started smoking again. Thankfully, I later kicked that habit.

  We never had children. However, we did have our dogs (our “first babies,” we called them), the custody of whom we shared. As much as I loved them, coordinating their schedules increased my stress levels. I remember one weekend when I had to go out of town for work. At the last minute Kevin told me he couldn’t take the dogs. That left me scrambling to get a dog sitter to stay at my apartment while also keeping them out of the way of my roommate. The dogs needed to stay in familiar territory because one of them, Sassy, could become very anxious. When I tried boarding them with a wonderful lady I knew, Sassy refused to eat or drink. She got sick and I ended up in the emergency vet clinic with her while she was treated for dehydration. Situations like this led to more conversations with Kevin that evolved into difficult discussions that always left me feeling like I’d been punched in the gut.

  It was a wrenching time for me. But, as promised by loved ones, time had a way of healing the pain. I didn’t want to stay in that place forever. Sadly I had seen some people who did just that. Once they were hurt deeply, they never moved past it and talked about it constantly. I refused to have the victim mentality. I was not going to b
e defined by my divorce.

  Thankfully, by God’s grace, I was enabled to make some key decisions that allowed me to get on with my life. And the biggest decision I made was simply to go forward and look for the opportunities my new life offered me. The way I saw it, I could either stop and feel sorry for myself and allow the stress to consume me, or I could look ahead and go forward. I chose to do the latter. I chose to live and be happy. Even though I often woke up in the middle of the night filled with sadness and stress, I knew there was so much life out there to enjoy and I wasn’t going to miss out. I gave myself permission to smile again, stay positive, and move on.

  It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had always approached my career by saying “yes” to every opportunity. So why couldn’t I do that in my personal life, too? I could. And, I did. My Jesus Year went from bad to great because I started saying yes to life and soaking up every opportunity. I was determined to take control. I realized I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy—all I needed was God.

  FOR AS LONG as I can remember, my mother has said, “In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend.” She was always organizing parties and plans, and so as I tried to focus on myself, I took note and did the same. I planned group trips with my girlfriends and we were always on the go. We spent a lot of time in the Hamptons or Nantucket. We spent hours on end talking, laughing, and dancing our troubles away. Those weekends helped me heal and introduced me to a new world.

  It felt like I was getting a second chance at life and I embraced it. I sat down and wrote out a bucket list of all the things I wanted to do but had never done. All my life I’d dreamed of going to France and Italy but I’d never gone beyond dreaming. Now was my time. I’d hardly taken any of my vacation days since I’d joined Fox News. I needed that time now. I scheduled a week off and started planning a trip with friends. One of them had an aunt in Italy and friends in France with whom we could stay. However, not long before we were supposed to leave the person called and said his aunt was sick and didn’t feel like having company. That didn’t stop us. I was at a dinner party and one of my friends said, “We have the week off. Let’s go anyway. Let’s go to France and just figure it out.” So that’s what we did. We booked last-minute flights and did the whole trip spontaneously. That felt good.

  The trip was, in one word, amazing. I’d always loved art and my interest grew when my seventh-grade art teacher introduced me to the master painters. Mrs. Pollard was a beautiful lady and extremely talented. She taught advanced art at E .L. Wright Middle School. The class was not a requirement, which meant all of the students who signed up were very interested in the subject. She taught us about her four favorite artists, showed us slides of their most famous works, told us about their lives, and made them come to life for us. We focused on Claude Monet, Vincent van Gogh, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and Pierre-Auguste Renoir. We didn’t just study them. Mrs. Pollard had us make our own renditions of their works. That class had a permanent impact on me.

  We visited the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, and I was standing in front of the actual Impressionist originals of all those slides I’d seen in my South Carolina classroom. Then we visited the Moulin Rouge, where Toulouse-Lautrec was inspired to paint the cancan girls. I could feel his presence there. He was an outcast and only felt loved and accepted at the Moulin Rouge. I was watching a show in the very room he once considered an oasis. The whole experience was magical and I knew I needed to thank Mrs. Pollard.

  Sitting outside a café in Paris, I called my mom, told her the story, and she connected me to Mrs. Pollard, who was in an assisted living facility in South Carolina. I immediately called her from my table, the Seine River and Eiffel Tower behind me. I introduced myself and explained to her that I had been her student twenty years earlier and appreciated the difference she had made in my life. I went on to tell her about my adventures in Paris and how meaningful it was to see the artists’ original pieces. I said, “Mrs. Pollard, you did this for me. You made Paris come to life. I’ve always wanted to come here because of you and now it’s a reality and I’m living my dream.”

  That trip was a turning point for me. I realized how easy it was to travel, and the educational advantages you can gain from visiting other countries. I committed to traveling more often and was excited about sharing the world with my future children. I fell in love with Paris and understood Gertrude Stein’s sentiment, “America is my country and Paris is my home town.” Although America will always have most of my heart, I did leave a portion in Paris and continue to go back every chance I get. Recently I looked through a scrapbook I made from that first trip to Paris. On the last page I quoted Mark Twain, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness.” On my trips, I recognize cultural differences and am reminded that we are all God’s children. We have different languages, lifestyles, traditions, and beliefs, but everyone is beautiful and God’s creation. He is the greatest artist and creator I have ever studied.

  I started to appreciate life in a different way and take it all in. I think in your twenties you feel invincible, but in your thirties you really start to live because you feel life passing by quickly. And, now that I’m a mother in my forties, I pray and beg for more time and a full life with my child.

  AND SO MY thirties became all about living life before I settled down to start my family. I started traveling a lot. Not all of my trips were quite as elaborate as Paris. But I tried to make every experience special. Little by little, I could feel hope overcoming my past and new healing happening. I was still working hard, but playing hard. Often, I was about to leave for a weekend trip and Fox News would call. My boss would say, “A story just broke and we need you to fly out to cover it,” or “The weekend anchor is out and we need you to fill in.” When that happened I, of course, went to work. My job was most important and afforded me this great social life. But when the breaking news or the weekend shows were covered and done—I was on the first flight out ready to meet up with my friends. I was always seizing the moment and I preferred it that way.

  I stayed active and it kept my mind busy. If I passed a restaurant and wanted to try something new, I did it. If I was invited on a trip at the last minute, I went. I was not only a “yes person” at work, I was a “yes person” at home. I only had to answer to God and that felt liberating.

  At the same time, I was also given more responsibilities at work. I was being called on more often to cover stories, to travel, and to fill in on more shows. It was almost as if God was blessing me when I needed it most. Everything was improving. Many people at work asked me how I was so happy and content after losing my marriage. Even though my grief didn’t immediately go away, instead I concentrated on the task in front of me—whether it was work or enjoying life. The fact that I was often reporting on difficult subjects only deepened my perspective.

  Then, about nine months after the split I woke up one morning and felt like myself. I still had a deep-seated sadness over what had been lost and what might have been, but I didn’t feel the stress and regret and emotional pain to the degree I once did. I’d survived, and the experience made me a much stronger person. Romans 5:3–5 promises, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” God poured out His love on me when I went through my darkest days and His love gave me hope. God’s hope never disappoints.

  My Jesus Year was about making a choice. The direction of my life changed as a result. I decided to live for my many blessings and successes instead of focusing upon the stain of failure. I found the strength to focus on my own needs and decided to accomplish some of those goals. Nothing was going to hold me back and I was going to start to live my truth. I picked myself up and looked in the mirror and decided to like who I had become. Being in the pit, down-and-out, and feeling guilt or regret was a
wful. I didn’t want to live there anymore. I asked God for forgiveness and to help me hold my head up high and follow Him on this new journey. I knew it would be good and I was ready to walk down that road. A year that started out so terribly continued to surprise me. That is why I hated to see it end. Jesus gave His life at the age of thirty-three and I felt like He gave me mine back that same year of my life. Once again, He saved me. I discovered His love and grace were more than enough to carry me through anything. More than that, I learned His love is truly unconditional. He loved me through the ups and downs and redeemed me when I needed His grace the most.

  13

  A Surprising New Chapter Opens

  One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

  —PHILIPPIANS 3:13–14

  SLOWLY BUT SURELY I found I could breathe again in my personal life. Professionally, however, I was in a place of uncertainty. My contract was up for renewal at Fox News. In the years I had been there I had become a regular guest anchor on the morning news shows. My “Ainsley Across America” segment on Sean Hannity’s show kept me very busy, and also seemed to be a favorite with fans of the show. While I was still officially working overnights, the network sent me everywhere covering stories as a reporter, not just for overnights but for the network as a whole. I covered the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy and the Fort Hood shooting. I went out to California to cover the Kate Steinle shooting and interviewed her family. Later I went back to California for the anniversary of the Ferrari car company and got to test-drive one of their sports cars. All in all, I had every reason to believe I was in a very good place at Fox News, but I had no way of knowing for sure.