The Light Within Me

by Ainsley Earhardt

  The worry and uncertainty forced me to my knees in prayer to God. Over and over again I laid my future in His hands. As my contract situation dragged out to nearly a year, I realized I had no control over my future. I might as well put it in God’s hands since it had been there all along! It wasn’t like I did not have options if, God forbid, my time at Fox News ended. I still had connections with people in the local markets where I had worked before moving to New York. Perhaps one of them might be willing to hire me. I had national network experience. I was quite certain I could get a job in a local market. If worse came to worst, I could even move back home to my parents’ house in Columbia. I doubted I’d ever have to do anything like that, but I knew that their door was always open, which meant I’d never be destitute.

  Wow. As I write this I realize how the mind plays tricks on you when you let worry and fear cloud your thinking.

  As it turned out, all of my fears were for nothing. In the end, I signed a new three-year contract. What a blessing! Here I had all these fears running around my mind and God had it all under control the whole time. I knew He did. I did not doubt Him, but I am such a planner that it was hard for me to stand by and wait on Him when I could not see exactly what His plan was. I guess that makes me like the dad of the sick boy in Mark 9:24 who told Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

  Throughout my year of uncertainty I kept reminding myself of Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5–7):

  Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

  —MATTHEW 6:25–34

  “Don’t worry about tomorrow,” I reminded myself over and over again. It wasn’t easy. As I said, my family had known that my contract was up for renewal. Whenever I talked to them they asked about it. Finally I had to tell everyone to stop asking. I didn’t have any answers. I know everyone asked because they were concerned about me. However, their questions made it harder for me to keep my focus on God’s promise. I knew I was much more valuable to Him than birds or flowers. He is my Father. His love for me never changes. He has a plan for me. I just had to patiently wait until that plan unfolded.

  When His plan did take shape, it was so much bigger and better than just a new contract. Not only did I get to keep doing the job that I absolutely loved, but my responsibilities were about to grow in a very exciting way. During the latter part of 2011 I heard rumors that we were going to add a new program to our morning lineup, a program that would come on the air before Fox & Friends. I wasn’t exactly sure what the program was going to be, but I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Throughout my career I’d wanted to be the girl who said yes to every assignment. That is still true today. However, when I heard the rumors about the new program I didn’t wait until my bosses came to me. I went to them and told them yes even before they asked.

  The program turned out to be a one-hour show early in the morning called Fox & Friends First. The plan was for it to come on at 5 A.M. and lead into Fox & Friends at six. When I heard the schedule I thought that it was perfect for me. When I was not on assignment covering a story somewhere in the world, I still worked overnights. I pitched the idea to my boss that I could continue working overnights, which would then lead right into the 5 A.M. show. And that’s exactly what I did.

  I will say I felt that I had grown so much as a person and a woman of faith during this time. As the bosses were rotating anchors and deciding who was not going to be assigned to the show I never really worried if I was going to get cut. I had learned to give my troubles to Him—knowing that He would make my path straight. I said, “God if you want me to have this job, please let me have it. But if you have other plans, please show me what they are.”

  Thankfully, His plans were for me to launch Fox & Friends First and be one of its two hosts. I got the job! I continued working overnights, at least for the next two years. Every night I went in at eight, did the overnight headlines, then slid into the anchor chair at Fox & Friends First from five until six in the morning. I usually went home at six and crashed for a few hours, as I had been up all night long and I could barely stay awake. It made for long days, but it was worth it.

  MY LIFE BECAME a little more complicated one day when I received a message that said, “Hey, Ainsley. My name is Will Proctor. I live down in Florida. I know you don’t know me but we have some mutual friends and I’d love to just talk to you and meet you.” My first instinct was to ignore it. The last thing I wanted was to get involved with another man. I just wanted to be single for a while and figure out what Ainsley needed. I had started dating again, but only occasionally and nothing serious because I was still not quite ready.

  But there was something about Will that led me to respond to his message. At first it was just a message. Then we started talking on the phone and everything seemed to flow. We had a lot in common. He was from Winter Park, Florida, but loved Manhattan (his grandparents were all from New York), and he had gone to college in South Carolina. He played college football at Clemson University. Even though Clemson is the University of South Carolina’s biggest rival, him playing there meant he understood my home state. From the moment Will and I first talked, we hit it off. Our family backgrounds were very similar, as were our core values. At this point I still thought of it as nothing more than a potential friendship. After all, no matter how well we got along on the phone, Will lived in Florida and I lived in New York City. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and I certainly wasn’t looking for a long-distance one. However, the frequency of our phone calls increased until we talked nearly every night and I thought, I have got to meet this guy.

  One day Will said, “I’m going to come up to New York, stay in a hotel for a couple of days, and take you on a date. I really want to meet you face-to-face.” I couldn’t say no.

  The first date went by way too fast. When he asked me for another I immediately said yes. The second date turned into another and another and another. Before I knew it, we were in a long-distance relationship. Being in a long-distance relationship was more complicated than I ever expected. When we were together everything was great, but the distance between us made dating more difficult. At times we felt like two ships passing in the night because coordinating our busy schedules became increasingly difficult. For a long time I did not mind because I did not want to get serious, not yet at least.

  The two of us dated for a couple of years before I finally felt like I was ready to get married again. I loved him, we had similar goals, he supported my career, and we both wanted children.

  Eventually we started talking about marriage pretty frequently. I thought he was ready to pop the question. In fact, I thought I knew exactly when he was going to do it. He was supposed to come up to New York for the weekend. I took Thursday and Friday off so that we would have more time together. But when we started planning the big weekend, he said he couldn’t come up. He claimed he was going to be in Augusta, Georgia, for a Clemson University golf tournament. That shook me. I thought he was comin
g up to propose and instead he goes off to play golf for his former college? Little did I know that at the time he was actually in Columbia, South Carolina, asking my father for my hand in marriage. My dad gave his blessing, and so did I.

  When we first started planning our wedding, Will and I decided to have a small service at our church in New York. We’d first met in the city; we dated there, and it only seemed right that we get married where it all began. I’d already had the huge service and reception with my first wedding and I didn’t think it was right to do that again. Will, however, had never been married. His parents came to us and asked that we have the service and reception in their hometown church in Florida. I thought it was a generous and sweet idea. So we said yes to their offer.

  However, even though our plans for the wedding had grown, I still did not intend to wear a white wedding dress and walk down the aisle. To me, something just did not seem right about doing that, like it was a violation of proper wedding etiquette, according to my mother. Instead I planned on wearing a cream-colored cocktail dress. I might have stuck with this plan except one of his mother’s friends came to me when we were in Florida visiting Will’s parents at their beach condo, and told me she had gone through a divorce then married a second time.

  “I heard that you aren’t planning on wearing a wedding gown,” she said.

  “That is true,” I said, before explaining all the reasons why I felt as I did.

  Then she said something that made me see this question in an entirely different light.

  “If you don’t wear a wedding gown, you are depriving Will of the experience of having the doors of the church open and seeing his bride in her dress for the first time. If anyone judges you for that, it’s okay. This is your day with Will.”

  She made perfect sense. I’d never looked at this question through Will’s eyes, but I’m glad I did. In the end, I found the perfect dress and his reaction was exactly what I’d hoped it would be.

  I actually wore a second dress during the wedding weekend. One obviously doesn’t wear the actual wedding dress for the rehearsal, but I wanted to wear something special that night. A while earlier my mother had given me her wedding dress. Her mother, my Mimi, had sent it off to be preserved after my mother’s wedding day, which meant no one had even touched it since then. The dress didn’t work as a wedding dress for me, so I asked my mom if I could cut it off to knee length, have other alterations made, and wear it to the rehearsal and dinner. She gladly gave her consent.

  A few days before the wedding we learned that my uncle, my dad’s brother, my precious uncle, was dying. I decided to fly down to Columbia a few days before the wedding and spend time with him and his wife, my aunt Linda. They never had children, which meant they spoiled my siblings and me. We were and still are their “kids.” My aunt couldn’t come to the wedding. She obviously wanted to stay home with her husband, my uncle. I ended up driving down to Winter Park, where the wedding was to take place, with my immediate family from Columbia. On the way I said something to my mom, like, “Mom, your dress is so beautiful. I love the lace. I love how the lace is at the shoulder and the lace on the arms is so beautiful. I had to expand it a little because your arms are so tiny.”

  My mother looked at me and said, “Ainsley, that’s not my dress. My dress had an Empire waist and no lace.”

  “No, Mom. The dress I have has a boat neck with lace covering the arms.” I went on to describe the dress a little further.

  “The dress you’re describing sounds like my sister’s dress,” my mom said.

  My heart sank. I was so excited about surprising my mother in her dress and now she was telling me that someone had switched the boxes. I called my mom’s sister, my aunt Lynn. I described the dress to her and asked her about it. She confirmed my worst fears. I had completely altered my aunt’s wedding dress! I was so afraid she’d be upset. Instead she put me at ease and started laughing over the mix-up. “Ainsley, I’m so glad it’s put to use. I think it is wonderful.” She and my uncle had three boys, so I think she was genuinely happy I now had her dress. On the night of the rehearsal, when I walked out in the dress, my aunt started crying. We shared a wonderful moment, the first of many that weekend.

  AFTER THE WEDDING, Will and I went to Palm Beach for a few days. We both had to go back to work and decided to wait a few months to take our big honeymoon in Europe. Six months later, in April, we flew to Paris. Will had never been to France, so we had a nice time eating at special restaurants, visiting all the museums, and seeing a few shows. We took a private tour of Moët & Chandon, which is one of the world’s largest champagne producers, the maker of Dom Pérignon. At the end of our tour we bought a nice bottle of Dom Pérignon under one condition: we couldn’t open it until the day our first child was born. We took a picture with the bottle and posted it on our social media sites—telling our mothers that they would enjoy that champagne with us on the very day they would hold their grandchild for the first time. The employees wrapped it in bubble wrap and I packed it tightly in our luggage. We then took the train to London and finished our honeymoon there.

  A new chapter had begun. I knew God was, once again, making my wrongs completely right.

  14

  God Is Still Good

  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

  —PSALM 23:4

  I KNEW THAT when it was time for me to have a baby God would plant that desire in my heart. Deep in my heart I always knew I wanted to be a mom but the time never seemed to be right. It was never right in my first marriage. At least I was never ready. I wanted to be in a stable place financially and professionally before I brought a baby into this world. I knew I could not maintain the hectic schedule I had during my first several years at Fox News and be a good mom at the same time. Maybe some moms out there can pull it off, but I knew I couldn’t work seven days a week and fly all over the country covering stories and still give my children the love, care, and attention they needed. I’m not saying it can’t be done. My mom was a working mom and she was incredible. To this day, I don’t know how she did it all. Now that I am a working mother, whenever I struggle to juggle all my responsibilities, I just look to my mother’s example (and ask for her advice). However, for the first dozen years of my career I did not yet have the desire to start a family. The timing just was not right and I knew God would let me know when it was.

  And He did.

  About three years after Will and I got married the desire for children grew stronger and stronger inside of both of us. While I still worked a lot of hours, my schedule had stabilized after I became the anchor of Fox & Friends First. We finally were in a position to consider buying an apartment in New York, which was very important to me before starting a family. All of the details I wanted to take care of before bringing a child into this world seemed to be falling into place. On top of that, God just planted a desire within me to have a baby.

  Of course, I approached having a baby in my usual, Ainsley Earhardt plan-out-every-detail way. I’d always heard how hard it was to get your kids into private school if they are born in the summer. I don’t know the reasoning behind that. Perhaps summer children are the youngest in their classes and therefore have a harder time. Who knows? However, I made up my mind that if a child born in the summer has a hard time getting into the best schools we would just plan to have the baby in late fall or winter. That meant we’d get pregnant in February or March and there wouldn’t be a problem. I had always considered myself to be very blessed and thanked God that things came fairly easily. So I naturally assumed conceiving a child would be no different.

  It wasn’t.

  We gave it to God in March. No baby.

  April rolled around. No baby.

  And May. No baby.

  Then June. No baby.

  With each month that passed my desire for a baby grew stronger. Everywhere I went I saw expectant moms or new moms pushing their babies in strollers or little children playin
g. At first I thought, How sweet. That will be me soon. But as the months passed, seeing moms and their babies reminded me of what I did not have. There were those days when a tear streamed down my cheek as I walked down the sidewalk in Manhattan. In my heart of hearts I knew God would give us a baby, but it was going to be in His time. Let me tell you the truth: waiting for God’s timing can be the hardest thing one ever does.

  Will and I prayed and prayed for a child. We had our church family and our friends pray for us. Our families prayed for us. I had guests come on Fox & Friends First who, after the cameras stopped rolling, said something about how happy they were that I was open about my faith on television. Then they’d ask how they could pray for me. I always said the same thing: Please pray that I can have a baby. Some returned to the show months later and told me they were still praying. I was no longer worried about having a summer baby. I didn’t care if the baby came in June, July, August, or September just as long as we had one!

  Finally, after eight months, my prayers were answered. I knew I was pregnant and the test confirmed it. I was over the moon. Will wasn’t with me at that moment and I wanted to find a very special way to tell him. Right after I got the test results I went over to Tiffany, the jewelry store, and purchased a small, sterling-silver baby spoon. That was meaningful to me because when I was a little girl my mother used silver spoons to feed my baby brother. She has a beautiful collection of silver and antiques, many of which she inherited from previous generations. When I asked her about the silver spoons in our kitchen drawer, she said she fed all three of us with them. A silver spoon seemed like a nice way to tell Will he was going to be a daddy. I asked the salesman to engrave our last name, Proctor, on the end of the spoon. The store then wrapped it up for me in their famous blue box, tied a white, satin bow around it, and I placed it in my pocketbook.