“We’re at a place called The Ranch. It’s just outside Atlanta. I came here a year ago when P.A.G.E. found me. I’ve been in a medical facility while I recuperated from my gunshot wound, but I got back here a couple weeks ago.”
“So you’re all healed now? You’re okay?” I notice he looks thinner than I remember, maybe even paler. It’s hard to recall exactly what he looked like since so much has happened between then and now. I could be wrong.
“I’m not completely there, but I’m close.” He smiles at me. Again, I get a good feeling about him.
“Is Maggie here?”
“She’s here, too, although I’m still angry at her. She’s a mega bitch, so whatever.”
“She’s not sorry she almost killed you then?”
“No, and she’s pretty angry at you guys, so you better watch your back.”
Ocean leads us through several rooms before we reach a kitchen where I see Blake.
“Finally, can you guys walk any slower?” he complains, surprising me when he moves towards me and gives me a hug. He pulls away quickly, offering his hand to Will, who hesitantly takes hold of it. “I’m Blake.”
“Will,” Will responds slowly. He’s quick to take his hand back when Blake lets go.
“So what the hell happened back at The Jail? Where have you been?” Blake hounds me.
“Wait, before you answer that, what are you in the mood to eat?” Ocean interrupts. I shake my head when he looks at me. I can’t ever contemplate eating, at least not anytime in the near future.
Will eagerly moves with Ocean to stare into the fridge.
“Stan found me and Rose. We were taken to a different place where we’ve been until today.” It sounds so simple to say it like that, to ignore all the emotions that I went through being there; feeling somewhat happy to the immense pleasure with Charlie, to the heart stopping fear and horror from Corby and Frank. Plus, now the devastation of losing Charlie and Rose, knowing they think we’re dead. “What happened with you? You got to Dean in time?”
“I made it back to him, but it was close. A dirty cop was going to kill him. You were right about them waiting. I followed him as he took Dean to a secondary location, and grabbed him before he got to wherever they were going to murder him. It wasn’t my finest hour, and I thought I lost him anyway. He was banged up, but he survived. We made it back to New York, but after three days, we knew something was wrong. We spent a few weeks going over places I knew of that were run by P.A.G.E., but we couldn’t find you. Finally, Dean decided to get in contact with some people he knew on the force to take this higher, and the next thing I know, I’ve been grabbed, and I have no fucking idea where he is. They dumped me here, and I haven’t been able to escape.”
“Dean’s safe. He’s with Rose,” I tell him, not really sure if they have been reunited just yet. Have they been told the lies now that Will and I were killed in the fire? Are their hearts breaking as much as mine is?
“How do you know? Did you guys get out?” He looks at me confused.
I lean my back on the bench behind me, needing the support. “They let Rose and Charlie go home. In exchange for them getting their lives back and being left alone, we have to behave and follow PA.G.E.’s orders.”
“That’s not fair; why were they let go? Why not us? Why not all of us?” Blake says, outraged.
“Apparently, we’re more valuable to them.” I shrug, already accepting that we’re going to be stuck here for the rest of our lives. For Charlie and Rose, I’m sure I’d accept any deal that gives them back their lives. Before, all five of us were stuck; this is better than any of us could have hoped for.
“That’s fucked up. So what? We’re just stuck here for the rest of our lives, unable to ever go home and see our families?” Blake seethes.
“I don’t know. I guess so. They don’t think anyone is trying to harm us now, but since Rose and Charlie think we’re all dead, our families will need to think that, too.” I try to imagine what they’re going through right now. I know they’ll be upset from losing Will and me, yet maybe tonight they’ll already be back home? Maybe Rose is wrapped up in Dean’s arms and maybe Charlie is finally able to talk to his dad? They could be back in their beds, not having to look over their shoulders or fear being caught.
“I want to see my girlfriend. It’s been a fucking year and I can’t even tell her I’m all right or find out how she is,” Blake rants.
“I’m sorry.” I feel for him because we’re all in the same boat here.
He takes a deep breath. I see his anger burning to be released, but he holds it in. “It’s not your fault.”
“Food is ready,” Ocean calls out as he places plates of reheated pasta in front of us. I have zero appetite to eat this, so I play with my food while the others dig in. Even though I assume Ocean has already eaten, he still manages to scarf another plate of food. I give Will mine after he’s finished, since no matter how much he eats, he’s always hungry.
Ocean keeps asking us questions, ones about our life before P.A.G.E. and ones about being on the run. He appears more curious about why we ran than suspicious. I’m vague with my answers because we don’t need more people on our side. That’ll only cause us problems, which will, in turn, cause Rose and Charlie problems.
Blake excuses himself soon after Will finishes my plate of food. I know he’s still furious. He’s our one wild card here. The three of us know what P.A.G.E. is really capable of, but only two of us have the motivation to keep in line. Blake might know Rose, but he doesn’t know Charlie. After a few weeks of knowing Rose, is that really enough to prevent him from wanting to escape here? Enough to make him leave his family and girlfriend behind for good?
I don’t think it is, and I don’t know how to stop him from screwing this all up.
Once the plates are cleaned and Will is falling asleep at the table, Ocean shows us to our rooms. Because the place is smaller than anywhere we’ve been, there are only two large dormitory-style rooms; one for the women and one for the men. Each person has one single bed and a set of drawers next to them. That is it. No privacy, and not much room to move. In the women’s room, there are ten beds that I can see, only three that are unoccupied. Ocean leaves the main door open until I’m sitting down on one of them and then he closes the door. My only light source is a small window in the corner.
The men’s rooms are opposite this room. Ocean mentions that one is bigger with fifteen beds.
He also has warned me that Maggie is sleeping in here, and to expect the unexpected. I’m not comforted by his words. In the dark I see a figure in the bed he indicated, but I can’t see any features to be sure it’s her.
I don’t bother changing my clothes. I just take my shoes off and crawl under the covers. I’m tired from the long drive and emotionally drained. I’m sure I could sleep for a month if given the chance.
I rest my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, instantly missing Charlie. The feeling leaves me breathless and hollow.
I try to push away the memories trying to drag me down by focusing on Charlie, determined to dream of him and Rose to make sure that they’re both okay. It’s up to me to make sure P.A.G.E. sticks to their word. I won’t let them be dragged back into this. They have to be all right.
I think about Charlie, remembering his laugh and smile. I watch him moving his hair about as he gets nervous, feel his arms around me when he gives me a hug and feel his lips on mine. I drown myself with thoughts of him and drift off to sleep, a fake dream quickly finding me.
I open my eyes and find myself in a new, unfamiliar bedroom. I’m standing at the foot of a double bed. Sleeping inside that bed is Charlie and a fake me. I’m having another fake dream.
I don’t want to see this. I need to make sure Charlie and Rose are all right. This fake world isn’t what I need right now.
I pace around the bed, trying to wake myself up, but my eyes drift back over us sleeping peacefully in the bed. Her head is resting over Charlie’s chest, probably abl
e to feel his steady heartbeat under her, and his arm is wrapped protectively around her. The covers are pulled up high, but I know underneath their legs will be intertwined.
This is a position I’ll never be in again. I’ll never feel Charlie’s heartbeat again, never be in his arms. My heart breaks all over again, and I have to glance away from them. Tears fall down my face as I stare at the opened suitcase just to my side. I’ve been walking through it as I paced.
My attention is dragged back to the bed as I see movement. I look up in time to watch myself moving out of Charlie’s arms. She sits at the edge of the bed and stretches out her arms. Her hair is sticking up at the back—much like mine always does—and as her arms reach higher, the sheet moves away from her and her round stomach pokes out. She’s pregnant, like about to pop any second, pregnant.
Someone stabs a knife directly into my heart. She is pregnant by Charlie, my Charlie. She gets to touch him, kiss him, be held by him and now she gets a future with him. She gets to start a family with him. I don’t care if I’m seeing an alternative universe or a completely fake world, I’m jealous and I hate her.
She stands, ignoring the hatred I’m shooting at her with my eyes. If I thought my hand would make contact, I’d try to punch her.
Yep, I’m at the stage in my life where I want to punch a pregnant woman. I’ve lost it.
She steps into some slippers and then waddles out the door and into the hallway. I follow, mostly because I’m pulled to follow and some because staring at Charlie is killing me.
Out in the hallway, I lose her as I stare at the photos along the wall. I don’t recognize the house, but I do recognize the photos. At least some of them, anyway.
Some are of me and Charlie, memories that I haven’t lived and never will. I’m more interested in the ones with Dana in them, though.
There is one taken of us in the sixth grade. We’re bundled up in big, puffy jackets with our hoods on. We have our arms wrapped around each other, smiling towards the camera. Our cheeks are pink from the cold. I remember we had been having a snow fight seconds before this photo was taken. My eyes are mesmerized staring at Dana, and tears fall down my face seeing her smile.
Another one is from Halloween. We’d dressed up as skeletons. We’re thirteen. Dana is smiling at the camera and I’m next to her with candy teeth in my mouth, looking ridiculous. That night we ate enough candy that I’m sure we had sugar highs for the next few days.
“Are you sure you should be going out in your condition? It’s freezing out there! I’m sure Dana will understand.”
I tear my eyes away from the photos, hearing Mom’s voice and Dana’s name.
“It’s Christmas, you can’t expect me not to see her. We have a deal and we promised no boys or babies will change it. I’m seeing her and Drew and that’s final.”
“But you’re due any day now; you need to think of the baby.”
“I am thinking of the baby, and she wants to see her Auntie Dana and Uncle Drew as much as I do.”
“You keep saying ‘she’. You’ve said before you never found out, but you’ve always said ‘she’.”
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s a girl. Charlie is convinced it’s a boy, though.” She shrugs as she grabs a bagel from the counter and starts nibbling on it.
“A mother always knows. I knew you were a girl; I had your name already picked out.”
“What would you have called me if I was a boy then?” she asks curiously.
“Your father wanted to call you Zane, which I loathed. He said I got to choose the girl name and I just prayed that I was right and you would be a girl.”
“Zane isn’t so bad,” Charlie mutters, walking into the kitchen in only a t-shirt and boxer shorts. I redden just imagining this scene, even though it’s fake. I watch her roll her eyes at him.
“You’re going to catch your death, put some clothes on.”
“You’ve heated this place so it feels like summer in here,” Charlie complains, but I see the wink he quickly gives Mom.
“Well, then put some clothes on in front of my mother!” she snaps at him.
“How about I put some clothes on, and you do what the doc said and stay in bed. You need to relax.” He rubs his hair back and forth, looking concernedly at her as he leans against the kitchen doorway.
“It’s going to be hard to see Dana when I’m stuck in bed. I’m fine, really.”
“I’m sure she’ll understand, so will Drew.”
“Stop worrying or I’ll un-invite you and go on my own,” she states, sounding annoyed.
Charlie rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t say another word about not going.
“She’ll be happy to see you, so will Drew. I think he got a new job offer.”
“Really?” she asks, no doubt happy to jump on the change of topic.
“Yeah, he found a calling studying bears, or something. They’ve offered him a job in Alaska. He’ll be up there for six months. It’s a very big change from being an accountant.”
“Dana will love that,” she says.
“How are you so sure she’ll be there with him?” Charlie asks her.
“Dana will always follow Drew; she’d never leave him,” she states confidently.
“I think you’re right.” Mom smiles at me, but it quickly changes into a frown. “You shouldn’t be going out in that cold. You’ve gone months without seeing Dana; you can wait until the baby is here.”
“No, it’s Christmas.” She glares at Mom.
“This is just like any other day of the year. You live in Houston, why can you ignore her there, but not now?” Mom snaps.
“Ignore her? Are you kidding me? I talk to her every day. Just because I live in Houston doesn’t mean I ignore her,” she snaps right back, quickly getting up and storming out of the kitchen, almost knocking into Charlie when he doesn’t move in time to get out of her way.
“You know she hates it when you bring that up. She feels bad enough that she lives so far away,” Charlie rebukes Mom.
“I know, I didn’t mean to. I just miss her. I hardly get to see her now that she’s gone, and she’s having a baby soon. I don’t want to miss my grandchild growing up.”
“You won’t, we’ll visit all the time. Zoe will want Dana to see our son growing up, and you’re always welcome to visit us. You can stay as long as you want.”
Mom glances at Charlie and I see she has a love in her eyes for him. “Thank you for that. I’m so glad she has you, you’re very good for her.” She pauses to take a sip out of her coffee cup. “You know Zoe is convinced she’s having a girl.”
“I know, I mostly say we’re having a boy just to annoy her. I think she’s right, though.”
“So do I.”
Chapter 19 – THE FIGHTING
April 7th
I wake up the morning of my birthday feeling groggy and still exhausted. Apart from my fake dream, I saw nothing of Charlie or Rose. I was ominously surrounded by darkness as grief pressed into me so uncomfortably that I kept waking, unable to breathe. Not only am I feeling haunted about how Will and I left Charlie and Rose, but I’m also feeling panicked about my birthday.
One year ago exactly I woke up feeling nervous. I knew something was coming, I knew something was wrong, but I did nothing. I woke up, not appreciating the fact that it would be the last night I would sleep soundly in my own bed. Not realizing that I would be losing my life and my best friend that night. Not understanding that I would never be able to go home again.
One year ago I woke up to the worst day of my life. I had a great day with Dana, reliving old memories with her, going out to our favorite spot for lunch and then enduring a surprise party. It’s been a whole year since I’ve seen Dana; three-hundred and sixty-five days since I’ve had my best friend in my life. Now it’ll be an anniversary for losing Charlie, too. Today is my first day without him, my first day where he will think I’m dead.
I shake away my thoughts, trying to force them out of my mind. I need happy thoug
hts. Charlie told me to remember happy memories.
I close my eyes, but all I can see is Dana being shot. I see her blood. I see her deathly pale skin as the paramedics try to revive her. I watch Charlie being knocked out and taken away from me at the cabin. I see Corby hurting him until he’s unconscious on the ground. I watch the terror in his eyes as he fights to get to me in that fire. His grief in that moment matches my own.
My breathing grows heavier and I can’t catch my breath. I need air, I need space.
I sit up, still wearing my clothes from yesterday and slip my shoes on. It’s still dark in here; no doubt it’s very early in the morning. I haven’t gotten more than a couple hours of sleep in.
I tiptoe out of the room, listening to the occasional snores of the women, then I make it out into the hallway and take a deep breath, still craving air. I need to be outside.
I take one step before I’m pushed hard in the back, completely caught off guard. Only just managing to catch myself against the wall, I hold my hands out to prevent my head from smashing into it, my back facing my attacker.
“I hoped you would be here soon.” Maggie’s voice taunts me. I turn my head, seeing her out of the corner of my eye sneering at me. The hall is dark, but I can just make out her appearance.
“What do you want?” I try to glare at her from my awkward angle. This is the woman who shot Will four times, and tried to shoot Charlie.
“I want to make your life hell. Tell me, what’s your deepest, darkest secret?” she asks me. Even though I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of answering, I’m helpless to stop myself from speaking.
“I don’t want to live anymore,” I blurt out. Not overly shocked by my answer, yet shocked that I’m not even scared by the admission.
“You’re suicidal?” Maggie snorts, glee clearly overcoming her voice. “Is this because you lost your little boyfriend? From what I heard, he was sobbing, thinking you were dead. What a loser.” Maggie laughs, and this time I surprise her.
I turn around, lashing out and we both collide into the opposite wall. My hand presses firmly against her face as she claws at me, trying to get me off her. She scratches me, her nails ripping down my arms, however I don’t even wince until she then kicks me in the shins and my grip weakens. She reaches out, grabbing ahold of my hair, pulling me back and throwing me against the opposite side wall, cracking my head against it. My adrenaline pounds through my body, and even though I can already tell I’m going to lose this fight, I welcome the distraction. I welcome the pain.
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