A Fairy's Guide to Disaster (Away From Whipplethorn Book One)

by A.W. Hartoin

  THE workman bellowed and danced around in a circle. I grinned and formed another fireball, blue and crackling with heat. The workman stamped his foot, waving his arms and spitting curse words like watermelon seeds. The other one stared at him with a gaping mouth.

  “Dude, what’s your problem?” he asked, edging away while pushing the metal cart with the mantel on it.

  “I’m going to kill you, man,” said the hopping workman.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’ll show you what’s wrong.” The workman stopped dancing and thrust his left foot at his co-worker. “You set fire to my boot. You’re going to pay for that.”

  The workman leaned over and eyed his partner’s boot. A blackened area decorated the side. It smelled of burning leather and plastic. I watched them, ready with another blue fire ball poised in my hand. The human’s shoe caught fire better than I expected. But three fire balls weren’t enough. The men had stopped dragging the mantel toward the van, but the mantel was still tilted back. We couldn’t get in unless it was upright.

  The men argued. They yelled so loud they rained spit on each other and that only made them madder. The one with the scorched boot grabbed the one holding the mantel’s cart. He held him by the neck and squeezed. The man’s face turned purple. He flailed his free arm and the mantel rocked on the cart. It shifted a few inches to the right and teetered as the men’s tussle became more intense.

  Gerald flew up beside me. “Great plan, genius. They won’t take the mantel away. They’ll just break it into a million zillion pieces.”

  “Shut up, Gerald,” I said.

  “Don’t tell me to shut up. I’m not the one who keeps screwing up.”

  “Well, I’m the one who keeps saving everybody, including you.” My fireball grew larger.

  “Don’t throw that,” said Gerald. “They’ll break it.”

  “Throw it, Matilda,” said Iris from behind Gerald.

  Gerald turned on her. “You don’t know. She’s going to wreck everything.”

  “Throw it. You have to stop them. The more fire, the better,” said Iris.

  “If they drop the mantel, they’ll kill the baby.” Gerald crossed his arms and smiled triumphantly.

  “If they take the mantel, he’s dead for sure. Stop them.” Iris stuck her tongue out at him.

  The fire ball tickled my hand, begging me to throw it. And I wanted to. I wanted to set the workmen’s pants on fire and watch them bark like madmen. What did they mean by taking our home? I’d teach them a lesson they wouldn’t soon forget.

  “You’ll kill that baby,” said Gerald again.

  “We don’t have Easy,” said Iris with triumph in her eyes.

  “What?” I said, almost dropping my fireball.

  “We left Easy with Soren. You have to stop them long enough for us to get him and get in the mantel.”

  “We’ll just get that spriggan baby out,” said Gerald.

  The men stopped fighting and examined the boot. “Man, just tell me how you did it.”

  “I’m telling you. I didn’t do it,” said the one without the burnt boot.

  “Whatever. Let’s get her done.” He took a last look at his ruined boot, straightened the mantel on the cart and gave it a shove.

  I threw the fireball. It arced through the air so bright even the humans could’ve seen it coming. It landed next to the previously burnt spot on the boot of the man pulling the mantel. The spot ignited and a wisp of smoke snaked up from the side.

  “Do you smell that?”

  “What?”

  “Something’s burning.”

  “Well, it’s not me. Oh, dude, it’s your freaking boot.”

  The man stared down at the bright yellow flame nipping at the edge of his jeans. The other one ran around in a circle, screaming for water. The first man thrust the cart handle away. The mantel lurched forward, threatening to tip over and crash on the cement. I caught my breath and charged forward. I hit the mantel’s face full tilt. I pushed, bracing my cheek and chest against the wood. The mantel groaned and protested as it teetered on the edge of destruction. Then Gerald and Iris were on either side of me. We pushed, all three of us together, without argument, without complaint.

  “Harder,” I gasped and we pushed even harder with strength we didn’t know we had. Then the mantel creaked and fell forward. I reached out to Iris and Gerald to pull them from under, when a human’s hand swooped in above us and pushed the mantel back into position on the cart.

  “Look what you almost did, idiot,” the human said. “Do you know how much this thing is worth?”

  “My pants were on fire and look at my hands.”

  Iris, Gerald, and I lay against the mantel’s face, shaking and gasping for breath. I patted Iris’s quivering shoulder with a shaky hand.

  “What about me?” asked Gerald.

  “Can’t reach you,” I said.

  Iris craned her neck to see the men. “Wow, you did a number on him, Matilda.”

  The man’s hand was a riot of blisters. As we watched, the blisters grew and throbbed dark red.

  “Dude, you need the first aid kit or something. Why’d you put it out with your hands?”

  The man blew on his palms. “I don’t know. I guess I panicked. Do you think I need to go to the emergency room?”

  “Let’s find the first aid kit first.”

  The man holding the metal cart pushed it upright. We spread our wings and glided down to the concrete. The men walked inside, leaving the mantel outside.

  “That was close,” said Gerald.

  “We better go get Easy before they get back,” said Iris.

  “I’ll get Easy and you get the spriggan.” I rubbed my bruised knees and prepared to fly off.

  “No way,” said Gerald. “You’re not leaving me again.”

  I pulled Gerald tight to my chest, resting my cheek on his brown hair. “Aren’t you going to say something about my fire?”

  “Well…”

  I pulled back. “You knew and you didn’t tell?”

  “My dad said it wasn’t our secret to tell. If you hadn’t burnt down Whipplethorn by the time we got there, you weren’t going to.”

  I hugged him and kissed the top of his head. “I can’t believe you knew all along.”

  Gerald struggled out of my arms. “You’re still not leaving me here.”

  “I always come back.”

  “I don’t care. I’m going with you. Things happen when you’re gone.”

  Iris tapped him on the side of the head. “I suppose you think it’s okay to leave me, though?”

  “You can come,” Gerald replied.

  “That’s big of you.”

  “Don’t start, you two. Gerald can come with me because he got left last time. Okay, Iris?”

  Iris nodded and poked Gerald in the shoulder.

  “Stop it,” he said.

  “Iris, go try the door,” I said.

  Iris flew to our front door, and worked at the lock. The door swung open with no trouble. I waved good-bye, flew into the air, and through the opening back into the antique mall. Gerald followed me, never more than a wing length away. I smiled to see him so and wondered if he realized the impression he was giving. It was almost as if he liked me.

  We flew down aisles, around fat old men arguing about World War II, and narrowly avoided a mother chasing a screaming toddler. When I looked over to check on Gerald, I found him smiling. Not a smile of triumph or sarcasm, but a smile of genuine joy. He caught me looking at him and the smile fell off his face, replaced by his usual resentful expression. I blew him a kiss. I don’t know why I did it. I hadn’t blown a kiss since I was five and heading out for the first day of kindergarten. It felt right though. Gerald gave me a puzzled look, but the smile crept back onto his face.

  Then he waved frantically at me and we hovered.

  “I heard Easy,” he said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I heard him. I thought he
was ahead, but I think we passed him instead.”

  I thought about it and nodded. I decided to believe him. He deserved it. “Lead on.”

  Gerald led us back down the aisle past the mother and her still screaming son, past the old men who were now wiping tears from their eyes and looking at ball caps covered with commemorative pins. Then Gerald flew under a table. Green metal cartridge boxes sat in dusty rows next to foot lockers and a box filled with uniform hats.

  “This is it,” said Gerald after he landed.

  I settled beside him and brushed the hair out of my face. I would’ve finger-combed it, in case Soren was there, but it was hopelessly tangled. “This must be where the phalanx live.” It did seem appropriate, if a bit on the unfriendly side.

  “Who? The commander? I heard someone call it headquarters.”

  “You could hear all that?” I asked.

  Gerald blushed. “I can hear pretty well.” He paused. “Not as good as Iris though.”

  “I couldn’t have found this on my own. You did great.” I ran my eyes over the boxes. “Any idea where the front door is?”

  “No need. Easy’s coming.” Gerald shivered, but he held himself steady with only the tiniest flicker of fear. I could tell he was listening to something, and then I heard it. The scuttling sounds of dozens of phalanx fairies moving together. Funny how those sounds used to give me the creeps. Now they brought order to the world. A diamond formation of shiny black shells came around the hat box. Easy slid around on top of them, kicking up his plump legs and smiling. He wore a new diaper made of camouflage material. Soren and several dryads came out behind them.

  The formation stopped in front of us. Easy pushed himself into a seated position and waved. One of the shells on the far right popped up, and the commander came forward. I expected him to be in the front, but then I realized he was always in different spots within the formation. I supposed this protected him in case of an attack. I wanted to ask him about it, but didn’t have the nerve to question anything he did.

  “That didn’t take long,” he said, popping off his shell and coming to Soren’s side. “You made short work of Earl and Stanley.”

  “Earl and Stanley?” I asked.

  “The workmen taking your mantel away,” said Soren. “Are you all right?

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  “You get more and more interesting every minute,” said the commander. Then he looked at Gerald. “What can you do?”

  Gerald opened his mouth, but then clamped it shut instead of telling the commander he was a certified genius like he normally would.

  “Come on. Don’t keep me in suspense. You Whipplethorns are an interesting crowd. The girl, Iris, has super hearing. And let me tell you, this baby is something and Matilda, well Matilda can throw fireballs the size of dimes. What can you do? Bend metal with your eyeballs?”

  Gerald looked at his shoes. “I can’t do anything.”

  “That’s not true,” I said. “Gerald is brilliant. He skipped two grades.”

  “Well, that’s something. Maybe not as useful as the occasional fireball, but smarts are a gift. Never say they aren’t, boy.”

  Gerald met the commander’s eye and he stood a little taller. “Yes, sir.”

  I collected Easy off the shells. I gave him a squeeze as he patted my cheeks. “What did you mean about Easy?”

  The commander rubbed his chin and looked at Gerald. “Don’t tell me you got no clue.”

  Gerald paled. “I’m not supposed to say.”

  “So you know about Easy like you knew about me?” I asked.

  He nodded and looked at Soren with pleading eyes.

  “Shall I say, Easy?” asked Soren.

  Easy chirped and waved his plump arms.

  “Easy can read minds,” said Soren.

  “You can read minds?” I asked the baby.

  Easy winked at me and I almost dropped him. Soren and the commander laughed. Several of the shells shook, but they were too well-trained to break formation.

  “We’ve enjoyed having the little bugger around. I suspect he has a few more surprises in store for you,” said the commander.

  A shell scuttled up from behind me and reported something to Soren and the commander. Soren took a long look at us. “You better get going. Stanley’s all bandaged up and headed back to the mantel.”

  “Is there anything you don’t know about?” I asked.

  “Well, I wouldn’t know, would I?” Soren hugged me and then Gerald.

  “Thanks for the new diaper and everything,” I said, choking up.

  “I’m happy to help you.”

  “Soren?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m not sure about what to do,” I said.

  “Should you go or should you stay. Is that it?”

  “I just don’t know what’s best.”

  “Would you give the commander a light for old time’s sake? He’s always looking for a light.”

  I lit the commander’s stick and watched him puff on it until he got a good ember glowing on the end. “You’re saying we should go.”

  “I am,” said Soren. “As much as I’d like you to stay, you’re wood fairies. Stay with your mantel. It’s where you belong.”

  “But what about our parents?” asked Gerald.

  “If they can track you here, they’ll make it to the next stop, too. Go quick before those dufuses make off with it. Good luck to you all.” Soren held my hands. “I will see you again.”

  The commander took a long suck on his stick. “You’re not out in the boonies anymore. You can get back if you want to. Better let us know the minute you arrive, though. Don’t want any more incidents.” The commander popped his shell on and disappeared back into the formation. It moved in one rippling motion away from us and zipped around a corner.

  “Good-bye, Matilda,” said Soren.

  I kissed his cheek and rose into the air with Gerald. We headed back to the mantel, carrying Easy between us.

  “The commander was pretty weird, but he didn’t scare me,” said Gerald, his forehead wrinkled in thought.

  “At least he didn’t eat any flies this time,” I said.

  “Gross.”

  “You have no idea. Let’s go. We probably only have a few minutes. Even Soren won’t be able to help us if we’re late.”

  CHAPTER 14