A Fairy's Guide to Disaster (Away From Whipplethorn Book One)

by A.W. Hartoin

  EASY got heavier by the second. Gerald and I were flying so low, my toes brushed the linoleum.

  “We’ll never make it.” Gerald’s face contorted and beads of sweat popped out on his forehead.

  “Yes, we will. We just have to try harder.” My words came out in short staccato bursts. My arms felt like they were being pulled out of their sockets.

  “My shoulder hurts really bad,” said Gerald.

  Gerald’s arm being pulled out of its socket seemed like a million years ago. “I forgot about that. I shouldn’t have brought you.”

  Gerald scowled at me and beat his wings harder. “I can do it.”

  We rounded the last corner and flew out of the opening into the fall sunshine. Iris sat on the concrete just outside with a look of utter distaste on her pretty face. The spriggan baby toddled around, looking as gross as possible. He smelled so bad, his stench was nearly visible.

  Gerald and I landed with duel grunts near my sister. Iris jumped to her feet and scooped up Easy. He chirped and nuzzled her cheeks. The spriggan baby plopped down on his butt and started bawling. I watched as fat tears rolled down his cheeks. The tears almost made him appealing. Almost.

  “Aren’t you going to go get him?” asked Gerald.

  “You can go get him,” I said.

  “You’re the babysitter.”

  The ultimate trump card. I was the babysitter. I grimaced and staggered to my feet. My muscles weren’t happy that I was trying to use them again. The spriggan baby held up his arms, looking about as much like a baby as a rotting cabbage.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t like me,” he said. “I know the truth.”

  I gagged and picked him up. “You don’t know anything.”

  “I know you threw fireballs to save me.” He nuzzled my cheek in an approximation of Easy’s affection.

  “Well, I couldn’t just let you die.”

  “You like me.” He nuzzled me again, leaving a smear of gritty slime on my cheek.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “You have a diaper on.”

  “Gerald put it on me. He said you deserve it,” said Horc.

  I looked closer at the diaper. It was made of a pale green fabric shot with brown threads. “Gerald!”

  Gerald flushed and kept his eyes downcast.

  “Gerald, so help me. Is this my skirt?”

  He nodded slightly and a smile crept onto his lips.

  I put Horc back on my hip and scowled. I glanced toward the opening. It wasn’t too late. Soren would take the spriggan. Maybe I could get the baby to him and be back in time to go with the mantel. A few well-placed fireballs at Stanley’s butt should do the trick.

  The spriggan baby stopped nuzzling me and glared at Easy. “You don’t know.”

  Easy chirped.

  “You’re so stupid. You can’t even talk. She is not giving me back. She likes me.”

  Easy chirped, stuck out his tongue, and buried his face in Iris’s neck.

  “Not true! Not true!” shouted the spriggan baby.

  Just then, Earl and Stanley came through the opening. Stanley held his bandaged hands out in front of him and Earl jabbed him in the shoulder, taunting him.

  “I’m not a freaking wuss. I got like sixth degree burns here,” said Stanley.

  “You idiot. There’s no such thing as a sixth degree burns. It only goes up to four.”

  “How come?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “It should go up to a hundred, ’cause this is really bad. I need some pain killers,” said Stanley.

  “You took some of that Motrin.”

  “That ain’t enough. I need the good stuff. Take me to the doctor.”

  “I ain’t taking you to no doctor. We’re late. That happy housewife is gonna be pissed if she don’t get her mantel on time,” said Earl.

  “She can wait. What’s the difference?”

  “The difference is we’ll get fired, idiot.” Earl grabbed the mantel’s cart and pushed it towards the van.

  I looked at Iris. “Can you carry Easy?”

  “I’ll help her,” said Gerald, getting to his feet.

  “We’re going with the mantel?” asked Iris.

  “Yes. Now get ready. Fly in the van when I say,” I said.

  Iris nodded and shifted Easy so Gerald could get a grip on him. Easy waved good-bye to the spriggan baby who wrapped his arms around my neck. A fresh wave of stink clogged my nose and I glanced toward the opening again. No time to find Soren, but he saw everything. I could leave the baby inside the opening. Soren was sure to find him. But when I glanced down at the spriggan, he gazed up at me with large eyes swimming with unshed tears.

  “You like me,” he said. “You saved me.”

  Stanley opened the van’s back doors and stepped back. Earl wheeled up the cart. He got on one side of the mantel and prepared to lift. Stanley watched him, but made no move to help.

  “Come on, dude,” said Earl. “What are you waiting for?”

  “I can’t lift nothing.”

  “Suck it up. We got to go.” Earl waved Stanley to the other side of the mantel. Stanley minced around, looking for a handhold and whining.

  “Now!” I yelled as I flew into the air.

  Iris and Gerald struggled to get the balance between them right and then flew up with Easy between them. The spriggan baby buried his face in my shoulder as we raced to the van’s opening. We zipped past Stanley’s face and into the back of the van. Earl and Stanley lifted the mantel and slid it in behind us. The mantel’s top shelf brushed my feet as it passed under. I looked down at the mantel’s intricate carvings in awe. Even in the musty interior of the van, it glowed with beauty and craftsmanship. My home. How could I ever have considered letting it go?

  Earl shut the back doors and greyness enveloped the mantel. The smell of axel grease and furniture polish made my stomach flip. Two squares of light shone in through the grimy back window, making everything appear sad and dirty.

  “What now?” asked Iris from between clenched teeth.

  I spotted a black, flat shelf between the two seats in the front of the van. “Follow me.”

  Iris and Gerald landed on the shelf behind me with noises of disgust. I tried to turn around, but found my feet stuck in a puddle of sticky caramel-colored goo. I lost my balance and fell against a red metal cylinder lying on its side, almost dropping the spriggan baby. I pushed myself upright and read a list of ingredients on the side of the cylinder. Carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid.

  “Weird,” I said. “It almost sounds like food.”

  “Not weird. Delicious,” said the spriggan baby.

  Earl and Stanley sat in the seats on either side of us. Stanley plunked a square brown leather thing stuffed with papers down on the shelf, causing me to jerk away and fall over into the goo.

  “Nice,” said the spriggan.

  “Quiet, spriggan,” I said.

  “My name is Horc, if you’ll recall.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Not whatever. Horc.”

  “Fine.” I touched the goo. A long string attached my finger to the shelf. The stuff looked gross, but I had to admit it smelled pretty good. So good that I briefly considered dunking Horc in it.

  “Matilda, have you tasted this stuff?” asked Iris.

  I turned to see Iris with a finger in her mouth and Gerald staring at her with an undisguised look of disgust. “Iris, are you crazy? Don’t eat that stuff. We don’t know what it is.”

  “It was an accident,” said Iris. “I didn’t mean to eat it.”

  “Yeah,” said Gerald. “It was an accident that you placed your finger in your mouth.”

  “It smells great,” Iris said.

  “So does oleander. Don’t eat it,” I said.

  Horc leaned over and tried to get a handful of goo. I jerked him away as the van lurched forward. If we hadn’t been stuck to the shelf, we would’ve slid right off. I thrust Horc onto the brown leather square almost falling i
nto the goo in the process. Horc starting jumping around saying he was hungry and he wanted the goo. I ignored him and dug my fingernails into the leather. I wiggled and pulled until I worked my way out of the goo. Horc patted my sweaty face as I lay panting on the leather.

  “Hungry,” he said. “Money makes me hungry.”

  “Uh huh.” I closed my eyes and then popped them back open. “Wait, what money?”

  Horc pointed down. “In the wallet.”

  Then I saw the bills sticking out of the side of the wallet. “Money makes you hungry?”

  “I’m hungry now.”

  “I get it. Just give me a minute,” I said.

  I could’ve lain on that comfortable somewhat squishy spot all day, if Iris and Gerald hadn’t started squawking about being stuck. “All right. All right. I’m coming.”

  “Don’t leave,” said Horc.

  “I’m not leaving you. I have to go get them.”

  “No.”

  I rolled my eyes and took off for Gerald and Iris. I hovered upside down above them without thinking about it. Gerald’s eyes widened and Iris grinned as they handed Easy to me. I flew him to the wallet, setting him next to Horc and then flew back to Gerald. I grabbed him by the forearms and pulled until my eyes felt like they’d pop out. The goo was thicker on his section of the shelf and he was in up to his ankles.

  “Wiggle your feet,” I said.

  “I am,” said Gerald.

  Iris leaned over and yanked at his legs. “It’s no good.”

  “Try to get out of your shoes,” I said.

  “No way. This is my only pair.”

  “You want to stay in the goo?”

  Gerald’s mouth turned down in irritation, but he worked his feet out. Once he was free, he flapped over to the wallet.

  I took Iris by the arms, but almost let go when I saw Easy and Horc smacking each other. Gerald separated them, but they rolled into each other, grappling like a couple of crazed wrestlers.

  “Gerald, do something!” I yelled as Iris slipped out of her shoes and into the air.

  Gerald took a baby fist to the nose and stumbled backward, nearly tumbling off the square back into the goo. Iris caught him before he went off the edge.

  “Good thing I got you,” she said. “If you fell in again, you’d probably have to take off your clothes to get out and then we’d see your dirty underwear.” Iris grinned at Gerald and ducked his swipe at her head.

  “Not funny,” he said.

  I landed next to Horc. “It’s kind of funny.”

  Horc looked me with something like a smile on his face. When he wasn’t paying attention, Easy gave him an open-handed smack. Horc screeched and kicked Easy in the shin. I picked up Horc, trying not to breathe through my nose. Iris scooped up Easy and walked him to the other side of the square. Then the van went around a turn and we all stumbled to the right.

  “Sit down before we fall off.” I looked down at Horc. “Why’d you hit Easy? What’s wrong with you?”

  A better question might’ve been what was right. Horc snuggled me, getting more and more of his slime on my clothes. “His fault. He’s as stupid as he looks.”

  “What are you fighting about?”

  “Ask him,” said Horc.

  “I can’t. He doesn’t talk yet.”

  “See. Stupid.”

  I sighed. “Just tell me.”

  “He says you don’t like me.”

  “What do you mean says?” I looked over at Easy, who stuck his tongue out at Horc and blew a huge raspberry.

  “He says it in here.” Horc tapped the side of his head.

  “You can read minds, too?” I asked.

  “No.” Horc looked at me like I was completely brain-free. “He puts the words in my head.”

  “Easy can what?” asked Iris.

  “How come you don’t put thoughts in our heads?” I patted Iris’s hand as she gaped at Easy.

  Horc scowled. “Apparently, it wouldn’t be polite to put thoughts in your heads.”

  Earl took another sharp turn and Stanley clunked his head on the window. “Dude, you almost like knocked off my head. I could have a compression.”

  “Shut up. We’re almost there. Try to look professional,” said Earl.

  “Professional?” Stanley scratched his head and white flakes rained down on his shoulder. Iris inched away in case one of the flakes came her way.

  “Everybody, get ready,” I said. “We’ll fly out when they unload the mantel.

  Iris and Gerald nodded, their faces grim. The babies snarled at each other, apparently only worried about how soon they could get their hands on each other.

  Earl took another sharp turn and slammed on the brakes. The mantel slid forward six inches and came to a halt. I thanked the heavens we weren’t inside it. I squeezed Horc, and he squeezed back. His stench still bothered me, but I was getting used to it. Either that or I was losing my sense of smell.

  Earl yelled at Stanley for trying to sneak a cigarette as they got out, and then they slammed the doors. The van became way too quiet. The waiting seemed to go on and on, but it was probably only a few minutes. Iris watched the back doors, biting her lip and quaking. Horc stroked my cheek in what I assumed was an attempt to soothe me.

  “Can you hear anything, Iris?” I asked.

  “Not really. I think the metal’s blocking the sound,” said Iris.

  “Okay. I’m going to take a look.” I peeled Horc off my chest. “Don’t panic. I won’t go far.”

  “I’m not worried. You like me,” said Horc.

  I gave him a weak smile and rose in the air until I could see over the door edge. Earl and Stanley stood in front of a blue house with a red door, arguing. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it might’ve had something to do with the cigarettes Earl was waving around. The red door opened and a woman stepped out. Earl and Stanley stopped arguing and stood up a little straighter. The woman smiled and spoke. Something about her seemed familiar, although I was certain I’d never seen her before. She tossed her messy light brown hair back over her shoulder and sneezed into a tissue. Her red-rimmed eyes accentuated her pale cheeks and green eyes. She wore grey pants and a top that looked out of place on her like she normally wore more attractive clothing rather than nondescript stuff two sizes too big. She nodded at Earl and followed him toward the van. I dropped to the shelf and gathered up Horc in one swift motion.

  “They’re coming,” I said. “Get ready.”

  Iris and Gerald stood. They both got a good handhold on Easy and watched me with big eyes. Easy chirped while we waited, and Horc growled at him. Earl flung the back door open and presented the mantel with a flourish I wouldn’t have thought him capable of.

  “What do you think?” asked Earl.

  “It’s gorgeous.” The woman touched a carving reverently, as though she might mar the wood with her fingers.

  “So you want it?” asked Stanley, who flinched when Earl glared at him.

  “I wanted it the minute I saw the first picture. Grandma knows best. Can you bring it in for me with those hands?” The woman gestured to Stanley’s bandaged hands.

  “Don’t you worry about him, ma’am. Just show us where you want it,” said Earl.

  It was Stanley’s turn to glare. “Easy for you to say.”

  “Stop your whining. This is our job, you jackass.”

  “I got sixth degree burns here. I should be at the doctors,” said Stanley.

  Earl turned to the woman who was staring at Stanley with a wrinkled brow. “Don’t listen to him. Those ain’t no more than fourth degree.”

  The woman hid a smile behind her tissue. “Well, if you think you can handle it. Bring it in the living room and place it on the hearth. It’s all ready.”

  Earl and Stanley each grabbed a leg of the mantel and started pulling it out, much more gingerly than they’d pushed it in. The woman sneezed and watched, her red-rimmed eyes roving over the mantel. A smile flickered across her generous lips and she sneezed agai
n.

  “Let’s go,” I said.

  We flew out of the van at a leisurely pace. No need to hurry when Earl and Stanley inched the mantel along so slowly. I could’ve walked out and still beat them.

  We hovered near the woman’s ear. She was sick, but she smelled a good deal better than Horc or Earl and Stanley.

  “What now?” asked Iris.

  The front door remained open and I inclined my head toward it. “I guess we go in. That’s where the mantel’s going.”

  I led the way, flying up the walkway past enormous green-glazed pots filled with blood-red flowers that definitely didn’t grow in the forest. Other flowers grew out of the ground in bushy clumps. Some were striped with purple and white. Others were solid pink or a purple so dark it appeared nearly black. Iris shouted something, but I couldn’t hear her with the October wind whipping past my ears.

  “She says the flowers are amazing,” said Horc in my ear.

  “Thanks.” I wanted to tell him to be quiet. It depressed me to know that even a spriggan baby who’d known me for all of five minutes could see my defect so plainly. Mom always said it didn’t matter; clearly it did and everybody knew it. I felt like the last to be brought in on a secret.

  We flew up the steps to the door, past another pot with a weird pine tree in it twisting its way up to the sky like a spring. Warmth spilled out the open doorway. Warmth that made the antique mall feel like a January day. We slowed to a hover just outside. Iris and Gerald’s faces were crinkled in identical expressions of worry.

  “It’s hot in there,” said Gerald. “Somebody should go in to check it out. We can’t be too careful.”

  “It’s weird, but it’s not like it’s on fire or anything,” I said.

  “There is a fire,” said Iris.

  I rolled my eyes. “Humans have fires in fireplaces. It’s not on fire, is it? I mean, that woman was just in there.”

  “I’ll check it out,” said Gerald. “I should do it. I’m the man.”

  “Are you kidding?” I asked. “I’m the babysitter as you so recently reminded me. I’ll go first.”

  “Well, somebody go,” said Iris. “My wings are tired.”

  “This spriggan’s no feather,” I said. “But I’m going.”

  I flew over the threshold with Horc, past the red door into a dining room. At least I assumed it was a dining room. It had an oval table with shiny ornate chairs and a large cabinet filled with pretty dishes. I wanted to run my fingers over the gold-rimmed plates and study their pattern. I’d never seen an intact human dining room before and it was more beautiful than I imagined. Whipplethorn’s dining room was empty, so I wasn’t sure what made it a dining room, but that’s what everyone called it.

  “It’s okay,” I said, not bothering to shout. Iris and Gerald would hear me even if I whispered.

  I fluttered over to the oval table and landed next to a flower pot filled with hot pink flowers that looked so light and delicate I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d floated right off their stems. Iris and Gerald landed beside me and collapsed into a heap with Easy. I set Horc beside them and touched a petal that drooped to the tabletop. The flower’s brilliant color almost didn’t seem real. When I touched it, I felt its warmth, its vibrancy flowing through the delicate veins.

  “Is it real?” asked Iris, struggling to her feet.

  “Of course it is,” said Gerald.

  We gave him stern looks and both touched the petal. The woman came through the doorway and picked up a mug off the end of the table. The sweet smell of chamomile caused a wave of homesickness to flood my chest. Mom loved chamomile. The woman turned to face Earl and Stanley. They argued at the door, trying to work out how to get the mantel over the threshold. The woman sipped and watched with a faint smile tickling the edges of her eyes

  “Just give it a shove. It’ll go all right,” said Stanley.

  “Look, dummy. It’ll hit the frame,” said Earl.

  “Will not.”

  “Will too.”

  Gerald looked at me. “How long do you think it will take them to figure it out?”

  “Considering Stanley thinks he’s got sixth degree burns, it could be a while.”

  “I think they can do it,” said Iris.

  “You would,” said Gerald.

  The woman set her mug on the table and coughed. “Excuse me. I could be wrong, but perhaps you should set the mantel upright.”

  Earl and Stanley looked at each other and nodded. “We were just about to try that,” said Earl.

  The woman nodded. She sucked her lips into her mouth to conceal a smile and walked away deeper into the house, glancing back at the workmen. Earl and Stanley set the mantel upright and carried it through the doorway. They passed the table where we watched and followed the woman into another room. I waited until they’d passed and then picked up Horc. Iris and Gerald followed suit with Easy.

  A chill wind blew in from the open door and I shivered. Amazing how just a few feet could make such a difference in temperature. “Let’s go after them,” I said.

  I flew after Earl and Stanley, more and more aware of my aching arms and legs. Iris and Gerald lugged Easy along beside me. Both their faces were pinched. Gerald favored his injured arm and I felt bad for making him use it. We flew past a staircase, nothing like the one in Whipplethorn Manor. Fabric covered the steps and a plain railing led the way up to another floor.

  When we got to the next room, I saw Iris and Gerald’s faces relax. They flew on a bit faster through a high archway into a room that had blood red walls with simple pretty woodwork. Its area was about the same as the mantel’s room in Whipplethorn, and everything had a pleasant warmth about it.

  Earl and Stanley pushed the mantel into place over a hearth with a lively fire going. Once it was up against the wall, the woman joined them to admire it. We crossed the room with a final burst of speed and landed on the mantel shelf. I staggered when my feet touched the wood and I almost dropped Horc instead of setting him down. My arms felt loose and empty like they’d been drained of blood. Iris toppled over beside me and Gerald had to hold Easy by himself. His thin legs shook, but he lowered Easy to the ground gently. Easy chirped and patted the spot next to him. Gerald sat down and watched the three humans.

  “Wow. He gets heavy,” Gerald said. “What’s next do you think?”

  “Nothing, I hope,” I said.

  Iris stretched out on the wood and covered her face with the crook of her arm. “I could go to sleep right here.”

  “Go ahead,” I said. “I think we’ll stay awhile.”

  “Says you. What if that woman decides she doesn’t want the mantel?” Gerald asked.

  “She’d be crazy not to want it.”

  I turned my attention back to the humans. Stanley rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet and Earl pulled a yellow slip of paper out of his pocket. “Here’s your invoice. You want to look it over, just in case.”

  The woman came forward. Her head disappeared below the mantel shelf. Gerald scooted to the edge and looked over.

  “Stay away from the edge,” I said.

  He stuck his tongue out at me. “Don’t be such a worrywart.”

  “What was I thinking?” I asked. “Nothing ever happens to us.”

  Just then the woman’s head came back up. Her hair grazed the shelf. I blinked and Gerald was gone.

  “Gerald!” I yelled.

  Iris and I ran to the edge and looked over. I hoped to see Gerald hovering just below, making faces at us, but he wasn’t there.

  “I don’t see him,” I said. “Do you hear anything?”

  Iris jutted her chin out and concentrated. “I hear him, but he’s hard to understand. This better not be a joke.”

  Behind them, Horc said, “It’s not a joke.”

  “How do you know?” asked Iris.

  “Say you like me,” said Horc.

  “There’s no time for that silliness, Horc,” I said. “Just tell us.”

  “Easy says
you don’t like me and I want to hear you to say you do.” I knew from the set of his lumpy chin, there was no persuading him.

  “Fine, I like you. Tell us,” I said.

  He’s in the woman’s hair.”

  “How do you know?” I asked.

  “Easy told me.” Horc rolled over and stretched. “Apparently, the woman’s hair is strangling him, so perhaps you might want to hurry.”

  “Stay with the babies,” I said to Iris. Then I dove off the edge of the mantel into the silence of the strange house.

  The woman stood at the open front door, talking to Earl and Stanley. I darted to her right, looking for Gerald. The woman stepped away from the door and I bumped into her earlobe, scratching my ankle on the emerald earring dangling from it. I flew backward as Earl pumped the woman’s hand until her whole body shook. The woman pulled back, flexing her fingers. She ushered Earl and Stanley out the door, then closed it and leaned against wood.

  I circled the woman’s head until I found Gerald tangled in a nest of soft brown curls. A strand encircled his neck. His face was turning from bright red to a hideous blue. He tugged at it, straining and kicking. I forced my hands under the strand. Its fine texture bit into my palms as I pulled at it.

  Gerald’s arms flayed about. He kicked me in the stomach. I clung to the strand, trying to get my breath back.

  “Stop struggling,” I gasped.

  But Gerald was too terrified to hear. He kicked and grabbed at me. I positioned my feet beside Gerald’s torso and yanked on the strand. My hands burned, but I closed my eyes and pulled harder. The strand gave a bit and I opened my eyes in time to see an enormous hand coming toward us. The woman stuck her fingers under her thick hair and fluffed it. Gerald rocketed up, dragging me with him. The woman’s pinkie grazed Gerald’s head and he fell limp. The strand stretched and broke. We tumbled down, landing on the woman’s shoulder. Gerald started sliding over the edge, his face slack and mouth open. I scrambled over the edge after him and managed to snag his hand before he fell. I heaved him back up onto the woman’s shoulder and held him around the middle.

  “Gerald,” I said. “Wake up.”

  Gerald groaned, but didn’t open his eyes.

  “Iris!” I dug my nails into the fabric, but we kept sliding.

  Gerald lifted. Iris had him by the arm. Her wings flapped frantically, blowing my hair out of my face. The woman turned and stepped away, leaving us hovering with Gerald suspended between us.

  “Get to the mantel,” said Iris between clenched teeth.

  When we reached the mantel, Gerald’s body hit the side of the shelf. The pain jolted him to consciousness. He caterwauled as we pulled him up and over the edge.

  “Are you trying to kill me?” he asked as the three of us collapsed on the mantel shelf.

  “Maybe later,” I said.

  Horc picked up one of my bloodied hands and examined it. “Why didn’t you leave him? You hurt yourself.” His forehead furrowed and he looked genuinely puzzled.

  “Wood fairies aren’t like that,” I said.

  “I want to be a wood fairy,” said Horc.

  “What do you want me to do? Wave a magic wand or something?”

  “Give me a bath. Wood fairies don’t stink,” said Horc.

  “I’ll get right on that.” I rolled over and saw Iris with Easy looking over the edge of the shelf.

  “Get back!” I yelled. “Haven’t you learned anything?”

  “Come look,” she said.

  “Every time you say that it’s a bad thing.”

  “Please come look, Matilda,” said Iris, her eyes big and pleading.

  “Fine, but if I get attacked by hair, it’s on you.”

  I stood up and looked at the room spread out before me, still and quiet. Warm sunshine slanted in from a row of windows to my right. The red walls changed color in the sun and took on an orange tint. I’d never seen that color before, so rich and inviting. The mantel’s mahogany looked well against it as if the woman had known and painted the walls just to suit it.

  Next to the mantel, a set of black shelves piled with candlesticks and books clung to the wall. Titles like The Poems of Robert Service, Dinosaurs, Gone with the Wind, and Phrase and Fable called out to me. In the room, a short table was stacked with more books and papers. Next to the table were dark brown chairs, thickly padded and shiny. A large cream-colored chair sat in the middle, too big to be a chair and could’ve seated three humans at least. Under the table and chairs lay a thick oriental rug, swirling with intricate designs and exotic shapes. Grandma Vi told me rugs like that used to be in Whipplethorn Manor when she was young. The rug lay on a gleaming hardwood floor much like the one in the formal dining room, although the planks weren’t nearly so wide.

  Past all these things, I saw a small dining table in a room just beyond. Maybe it was a kitchen with cabinets enclosing the room on three sides. The cabinets were honey-colored oak, not especially carved, but interesting just the same. The bottom cabinets had a shiny top on them that looked like granite. Another table sat in the middle of the room with more granite on top. It shone like ice in winter. On two of the walls, big metal boxes sat huge and equally shiny. I couldn’t imagine what they contained. If we stayed awhile, maybe we’d get to find out.

  Then I checked myself. I wanted the mantel to go back to Whipplethorn. Even as I thought this, a little niggling thought emerged in the back of my mind. The house was quite pleasant and warm. There were books and rugs and who knew what. Whipplethorn Manor seemed rather stark in comparison. I forced the thought out of my mind. No place could be better than Whipplethorn. No place had anything better to offer.

  “Matilda, you have to look. Come on.” Iris’s face glowed with excitement and I began to get curious.

  I crept over to the side, where Iris was crouching, and looked over, a little afraid that a mass of hair might sweep us away. Looking up at me was the strangest pair of animals I’d ever seen.

  “Aren’t they adorable?” Iris clapped her hands.

  “I don’t know what they are.” I stared the animals. Were they some kind of miniature bear? If I hadn’t seen their sides moving, I might’ve thought they were stuffed.

  “They’re dogs,” said Gerald as he looked over.

  “Dogs?” I asked. “Dogs don’t look like that. Where are their eyes?”

  Iris pointed. “That one has eyes.”

  True enough. The one on the left did have eyes, although they were exceptionally small compared to the head. Furrows of skin covered the body and two tiny ears were perched on either side of the head. Long droopy lips concealed the mouth and short bristly whiskers poked out of its snout. As weird as it was, it made the other one look ridiculous. Its fur was longer and the wrinkles were so heavy, they covered the eyes completely. The ears were even smaller. I stared at it. How could that be a dog? It couldn’t hunt or dig anything up.

  “I think they know we’re up here,” said Iris.

  “They don’t look smart enough to know anything,” said Gerald.

  “It’s not about smart,” said Iris. “They can smell us.”

  “If they can smell us, they might want to eat us.” Gerald jumped up and down, waving his arms. “Go away. We’re not lunch.”

  Both animals jumped to their feet and wagged their curly tails.

  “They are dogs,” said Iris.

  Easy clapped his hands and even Gerald looked pleased. I wasn’t so sure. Being in a house with ginormous dogs didn’t seem like the best idea.

  Iris looked over at me, her face flushed and shiny. “Can you believe it? We have pets.”

  “They’re not our pets.” Gerald’s eyes bugged out of his head. “They’re monster dogs. You could fit in one of their nostrils easy.”

  Iris ignored him. “I always wanted a pet. Can I touch them?”

  I opened my mouth to shout no, but Iris had already shoved Easy into my arms. She dove off the mantel towards the monster dogs that now had their mouths open in anticipation.


  CHAPTER 15