If You Could Only See (Buchanan Brothers Series Book 1)

by M. E. Clayton

  I wasn’t expecting her voice to sound so strong and resolute when she said, “If you have, even an ounce of respect for me, you’ll let me walk out this door and not subject me to anymore of your father’s verbal abuse, Mason.”

  Well, fuck me.

  What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?

  I didn’t want to let her go, but she was right. She didn’t deserve to be subjected to the venom my father was emitting. My brothers and I were used to it, but she wasn’t.

  Or worse, she was.

  Either way, she was right, and she didn’t need to be here for this. “I’ll call you later. After your shift, okay?” Shane just nodded, and I stepped back to let her leave.

  She was halfway out the door when Aiden’s voice reached her. “Do you need a ride home?”

  Without looking back at him, she shook her head. “No, thank you, Aiden,” she replied and then shut the door behind her.

  The second the door clicked shut; I knew I had fucked up.

  I should have told her all about my family and its fucked-up dysfunction. I should have gone after her freshman year and said to hell with my father and Buchanan Industries. I should have done a lot of shit differently.

  I could only pray now that she’ll hear me out and forgive me my stupidity.

  “You went after her mighty fast for someone who doesn’t matter to you, Mason,” my father said, his voice smug, as if he won some side bet or something.

  I turned to him and I had never felt hate for another human being as I did in that moment towards my father. “No matter who or what she is, she didn’t deserve your scorn,” I pointed out.

  He just shrugged a shoulder. “Can’t say I care, son.” He headed towards the same door Shane just walked out of. My father took a second to stare each of us down before saying, “Now that that’s taken care of, I expect the rest of you to have learned something from this. Either get your dick sucked by a professional, or at least a girl of good breeding.” And then he was out the door before I could murder him.

  It wasn’t a full minute before Michael lost his shit. “What the fuck, Mason?! How could you just stand there and let him talk about her like that?!”

  Gabe joined in. “Yeah, Mase, what the fuck was that all about?”

  I ran my hands through my hair and just pulled. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! “He blindsided me,” I answered, pathetically.

  “And, so, what?” Aiden asked. “That’s reason enough to let him talk to her like that? Talk about her like that?”

  I knew Aiden was pissed, and I didn’t blame him. “No! No, it’s not, but…fuck!”

  And then I knew I was really fucked when Gabriel voiced his disapproval. Gabriel was always loyal to us, no matter what. “You should have left her the fuck alone, Mason,” he seethed. I looked over at him and I knew he was struggling. “We told you she was special. We warned you,” he reminded me. “You should have left her the fuck alone and let her give herself to someone who would be man enough to choose her.” He crossed his arms over his chest before delivering the final blow. “She’s been rejected enough times in her life, Mason. She didn’t need to experience it again from you.”

  Gabe’s aim was perfect and deadly. I just stood there staring at my brothers knowing I fucked up beyond a simple ‘I’m sorry’. But Gabriel’s words, though true, weren’t enough to make me walk away from Shane. “She’s mine, Gabe.” I looked at all my brothers and said, “She’s fucking mine. And I know I fucked up, but that doesn’t change anything.”

  “It’s not us you need to convince, Mase,” Michael said, calming down.

  “She doesn’t get a choice,” I snapped. “And fuck Dad. I’ll do this without him or his money, if I have to.”

  “Mason, you need to go after her,” Aiden advised.

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “Why the hell not?” Gabriel barked out.

  “Because she’s going to work and I know how important work is for her,” I explained. “If I showed up and caused a scene or got her fired, then I’d really be fucked.”

  But I had a feeling I was already way fucked.

  I failed my first test where she was concerned.

  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if she didn’t forgive me.

  Chapter 21

  Shane~

  All these years, work has kept me fed and sheltered, and apparently now, it’s keeping me sane.

  I’m not too proud to admit I was a mess when I left Mason’s and I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to get through the day. The pain of his betrayal had been that crippling. I had felt nothing like it before in my life.

  The first time someone claimed to have wanted me and it was all a lie. His professions of love and declarations of belonging to him had all been bullshit. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

  Luckily, my shift at the diner had flowed right into my shift at the bookstore and I was too busy to cry myself into heartache. Well…cry much into heartache. My breaks had been brutal and spent in the bathrooms throughout the day.

  I had gotten home, showered, cried in the shower, and now, I was sitting in the living room, books scattered all around me with my laptop propped open and not getting a damn thing done. I couldn’t concentrate and my heartbreak wasn’t limited to Mason, either.

  For some reason, I felt the loss of Aiden, Michael and Gabriel, too. It felt as if I had finally had friends besides Viola and now those had been taken from me, along with my faith in belonging.

  I’m not sure how long I sat and stared at my laptop, but I was brought out of my daze, when a knock sounded at my door. I stood up and prayed it was Viola as I walked over to open the door. The door had a peephole, but I never used it because no one ever visited me, except for Vi. I swung the door open and found a very stoic Mason Buchanan standing on the other side.

  And I had never felt so much hate for another human being as I did looking at him now.

  All the beatings I endured as a child, all the neglect, all the abuse and all the loneliness didn’t compare to the absolute hate I felt towards Mason right now. No one else had ever made any promises to me, so I never expected much. But I believed Mason. I believed him when he said I belonged to him. I believed him about everything.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “May I come in?” he asked, not answering my question.

  I shook my head. “No.” His jaw tightened, and I knew he was struggling to remain calm. He was probably fighting his instincts to just move me aside and come in anyway. I didn’t imagine that many people told him no.

  “We need to talk,” he said, “and I don’t think it’s a conversation that should be had in the doorway of your apartment, Shane.”

  My gaze didn’t waver from him as I corrected him. “We have nothing to talk about, Mason. So, if you don’t mind, I have a lot of studying to do.”

  “Bullshit!” he barked. “We have everything to talk about!”

  I was so irritated, I put my hands on my hips, not realizing that it left the door unsecured for him to just swing open and walk in. I turned, my eyes following him as he walked into my living room. “Get out of my house, Mason.”

  He whirled around on me and his face was all anger and his eyes were all steel. “The fuck I will, Shane. We need to talk,” he said, again.

  I couldn’t believe his nerve.

  How could he stand there and not see how I was crumbling apart inside? How could he not feel the pain radiating off me? “What exactly do you want to talk about, Mason?” I asked. “You want to talk about how I’m not important to anyone?” He flinched, but I didn’t care. “Do you want to talk about how I’m just a convenient fuck? How about how I’m poor, scholarship trash?”

  My words must have hit their mark, because he seemed to deflate right in front of me and said, “None of that is true, Shane.”

  My anger gave way to hurt. Just like that, I went from spitting mad to horribly pained. The tears started, and I didn’t care. I’ve never been prid
eful; I couldn’t afford it. I ate scraps and wore hand-me-downs. I’ve lived most of my life at the level of most people’s shoes. I didn’t care if he saw what he did to me. I didn’t care if he won. I didn’t care, because I would pick myself back up and move forward, like I always have in life.

  I didn’t have a fear of being alone. I just didn’t want to be alone. But if I had to be, I was okay with that. Yeah, Mason might have used me for his own entertainment purposes, but I’m the one who rushed into believing the words of a boy I didn’t know.

  This was on me.

  But I wasn’t strong enough not to beg. I ignored the tears and said, “It’s all true, Mason.” I held up my hand to stop is objections. “I’m not important. I never have been. I never will be,” I said, truthfully. “And because of that, I probably always will be just a quick fuck to someone. And there’s no denying that I am poor and here on scholarship.”

  “Sha-”

  “And I’m okay with all of that, Mason,” I went on, ignoring his attempt to…well, I don’t know. “But what I’m not okay with is lying. I’m not okay with being lied to and manipulated. If this was a bet or a joke, it could have been all that without you throwing out declarations of love. You didn’t have to make me believe I belonged to you.”

  “You do belong to me!” he snapped at me.

  I opened myself up to him. I showed him everything I was feeling in my eyes and body language. I wanted him to know how serious I was when I said, “If this morning is an example of what it means to belong to you, then I want to belong to someone else, Mason.”

  He was across the room with his hands on my arms and my back pressed up against the wall before I could blink. His silver eyes were swirling with anger, regret, shame and a whole host of other things. He pierced me with his stare as he said, “You will never fucking belong to someone else, Shane.”

  I broke.

  I broke down completely.

  I started sobbing, and the tears felt like they were being ripped out from deep inside of me. “Please, Mason. P…please, just leave me alone,” I begged, not taking my eyes off his. I had to show him how serious I was. How serious this was to me. How serious my life was to me. “All I want is to go to school and work. I just want my degree so I’m never homeless again and you…you’re jeopardizing my one and only chance here.” Mason let go of my arms and took a step back from me. He looked torn, but I didn’t care. I didn’t owe him anything. “I can’t study, work or concentrate in class if I’m too busy crying over you or feeling like I should just walk away from all my goals and dreams just to avoid you.”

  “Shane…”

  “I am begging you, Mason,” I said, knowing I would use everything in my power to manipulate this situation to come out in my favor. “I am begging you. Forget love and respect. If you have even an ounce of basic human compassion for me as a person, you’ll leave me alone and not destroy everything I’ve been working towards for the last six years.” My sobs were real and painful. “Oh, God, please. Please, please…”

  His hands turned into fists at his side and his face was pure anguished fury. “I can’t, Shane. I love you. I love y-”

  “No, you don’t!” I screamed in his face. “I may have grown up without it, but even I know that this morning wasn’t love!”

  “This morning was love!” he roared back. “It was just cowardice, too! Cowardice on my part!”

  “And I won’t love a coward, Mason!” How could he expect me to? “I have nothing and no one, don’t you get that? I have fucking nothing!” I yelled, again. “I want someone who is strong enough to be with me even if it means we’ll have nothing together. I don’t want someone who needs or wants money, status or power more than they want me with my nothing.”

  “Goddamn it!” he shouted to the ceiling.

  “Leave, Mason,” I begged, again. “Don’t ruin the only chance I have at a good life. Please.”

  He looked back down at me and the look on his face almost dropped me to my knees. I was the one falling apart, but he’s the one who looked like he was about to crumble.

  His voice sounded rough and ragged, “I can’t, Shane. I admit I handled shit wrong this morning, but I meant every word I said to you.”

  That was my chance. “Well, if it’s true that you truly do love me, then love me enough not to destroy my dreams and ruin my life, Mason.”

  A few seconds went by before he stormed over to the wall next to the front door and slammed his fist through the drywall. I stood there in shock as I watched Mason lose it.

  After enough hits to render his fist bloody and bruised, he turned the doorknob to the front door and swung it open. He was out the door, but not before he said, “I’m leaving, Shane, but this isn’t over. This is not fucking over.”

  My body slid to the floor, as the door shut, and I cried until I couldn’t anymore.

  Chapter 22

  Mason~

  I probably should have been concerned that the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table was damn near empty and it wasn’t even nine in the morning, but I wasn’t.

  It wasn’t like I was even going to get drunk. My mind was so fucked up over the shit with Shane; I was barely buzzed right now.

  The only reason I had left her apartment last night was because she was right, and while I wasn’t going to leave her alone, she deserved some space.

  So, that’s what I was doing. I was giving her space.

  Because I sure in the fuck wasn’t going to let her go.

  Not now and not fucking ever.

  Especially, now that I’ve had her. She was out of her mind if she thought I’d be okay letting someone else take care of her; love her. And over my dead body would I let another man fuck her.

  I heard footsteps behind me and I immediately knew it was Michael. Aiden and Gabriel liked to sleep in during the weekends. Even if they hadn’t partied the night before, they were big fans of sleeping in.

  My assumption was confirmed when I felt the couch give next to me from Michael’s weight. “Can’t say I’ve ever had that for breakfast before. Is it hitting the spot?”

  I grunted and poured myself anther tumbler full. I took another sip before answering my brother, “Yep.” Michael let out a deep sigh.

  All three of them had been awake when I came home last night from Shane’s. And all three had witnessed the mess I was. I had left our south side wall in a tattered mess of falling drywall and debris. Once the storm had passed, Aiden had commented that he’d get it taken care of later today. I made sure to let him know to send someone over to Shane’s to take care of her wall, too.

  “Come on, Mase. You’ve been in tight spots before. Hell, you’ve been handling the pressures of being the eldest Buchanan for years, juggling the abuse, school, girls, mom, us…what’s got you falling apart now? We both know you’re not going to let that girl go, so what’s going on?”

  Mike was right. I wasn’t going to let her go and I’ve handled all kinds of problems with ease before. The only difference was that, aside from my brothers, Shane’s feelings have been the only ones to matter to me and I couldn’t control them. My brothers were stuck with me, so no matter how heated a fight, we’d always be tied together by blood. But I had nothing tethering Shane to me permanently.

  Maybe I should get her pregnant. Then she’d never be free of me and she’d have to always forgive me when I acted like an asshole.

  Fuck. The whiskey must be hitting me finally.

  “So, what is it, Mase?”

  “She thinks I’m a coward,” I finally admitted. “Even if I force her to stay with me, she’ll never trust me to take care of her. She might be with me, but she’ll believe she’s alone.” The honesty in my words felt like I was being sliced open. “Jesus, Mike, you didn’t see her tears. I can’t get the sound of her sobs and her begging out of my goddamn ears.”

  And I couldn’t.

  It was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life, having to witness how much hurt I caused the woman I lov
ed. A man who can turn his back on his woman in tears isn’t really in love with her. Because, your woman’s tears, especially if they’ve been caused by you, is damn near debilitating.

  “Do you want us to talk to her?”

  I let out a pitiful laugh. “Hell, no. She already thinks I’m a coward. All I need is for her to think I’m a fucking pussy, too. I can’t handle it, so I send my brothers to fix it for me? Yeah, no thanks,” I snipped out.

  “What do you need us to fix?” Gabriel asked from behind us.

  Christ, they must really be worried about me if they’re getting up early on a Sunday morning to babysit me.

  “Shane thinks Mason’s a coward, and he’s not strong enough to choose her above everything else,” Michael, so helpfully, answered.

  Gabe plopped himself on the armchair nearest to Michael and then let out a low whistle when he saw the very used bottle of whiskey. “Are you?” he asked, and I wanted to smash the bottle upside his skull.

  “No,” I bit out. “I’m just giving her some space, while I figure out how I’m going to pay for school on my own.” I took another swig of liquor. “Maybe I can go back for my degree after she gets hers,” I mumbled to myself.

  “I say you call Dad’s bluff,” Gabe suggested, as he pulled the bottle out of my reach.

  I gave him a pointed look. “He knows I don’t care about myself. The second I call his bluff, he will go after you guys. You’re sitting there telling me you don’t care if he cuts you off from every luxury you’ve ever known?” I challenged.

  “It’s not like we’re helpless, Mason,” Michael answered, instead.

  “No, but you’re only 18,” I reminded him.

  “Do you really think if it came down between you or Dad, we’d pick Dad?” Gabriel asked.

  I let out a deep breath. “The point is that I don’t want you guys to have to pick, Gabe. Our futures are tied together and I’m not going to make a decision about it without contemplating all the outcomes.”