Impossible Things (Star Shadow Book 2)
Page 20
There was no other moment in his life that Benji wanted more than for that sly, knowing voice inside his head to just fucking disappear. It was the only thing giving Jay any sort of power over him and his choices, but that voice had been his constant companion his whole life and if it had ever been easy enough to dismiss it, Benji would have done it long ago.
He didn’t want to care, but it was an unalterable fact that he did.
“What do I have to do?” he asked dully.
“You need to pick one. Rochelle or Diego. You can’t keep putting this decision off. Rochelle won’t wait forever, she’ll find someone else. And this thing with Diego? If we’re going to take advantage, we need to strike now, while people are still interested.”
Benji had known what he was going to say, but it still sucked to hear it. He didn’t want to fake date Rochelle, and he couldn’t possibly ask Diego to expose himself and his personal life to that level of scrutiny.
And what about what he wanted? Was he really even ready to tell the world that he was bisexual? He didn’t know, but he guessed that probably didn’t matter in the scheme of things.
“Listen, I know this is tough,” Jay said, his voice softening. “This is a big decision. But,” he said, pointing to the huge titanium albums on his walls, “success in the music industry isn’t just about the music anymore. It’s about the whole package. Taylor Swift made it impossible to just make music anymore. You want more, this is how you get more.”
———
“You’ve been really quiet,” Diego said as they walked into the bowling alley where Leo had reserved the private VIP room. The party was a celebration of Felix’s first day on the job and the first week’s work on the album in the books.
Leo had been searching for something they could do that wasn’t like the typical LA scene—no partying or clubs or booze, because Caleb would be with them, and while he could be around that and not compromise his sobriety, Leo never liked asking him to. Diego had remembered the fun afternoon they’d had paintballing during the tour, and had suggested bowling, because it was somewhat similar, and booze wasn’t a requirement.
“Me?” Benji asked, surprised that Diego had called him out for his distraction the last few days. The conversation he’d had with Jay weighed heavily on his mind, and more than once he’d wanted to pull Diego aside and confess that he didn’t know what to do. They’d been busy working on the album the last few days, but what had really stopped him was that he didn’t think Diego would understand.
He’d just shoot Benji a completely baffled look and say, “Why do you have to do either?”
But that was definitely the one thing Benji had come around to believe—that something needed to be done, that he couldn’t let all those years of work be washed away by the might of Leo and Caleb’s combined star power.
And, he’d thought, nobody else had really cared about making it. I was the one who pushed. I was the one who encouraged us to write songs, to practice, to find a name, to enter the Battle of the Bands that got us discovered. Without me, none of this would have ever existed. Why should I just sit back and take third place like that’s all I deserve?
“Yeah, you.” Diego sounded impatient. He pushed his hair back and reached out and grabbed Benji’s arm before they went into the VIP room, joining Felix and the rest of the band. “What’s going on with you? Is it something with Sophie?”
But Benji hadn’t even thought about Sophie in an embarrassingly long amount of time. All he’d been thinking about was Diego and how to do what Jay wanted while making sure that Diego wouldn’t be pissed as hell at him.
The problem was there didn’t seem to be a solution to that particular conundrum.
“No, it’s not Sophie.” That was honest, anyway. Benji hesitated. “Jay is just on my ass about some stuff, and I’m not sure what direction to take.”
Diego’s expression immediately softened. “Why haven’t you talked to me about it?” He chewed his bottom lip. “We were friends first, and I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
Somehow it was easy to keep being honest. At least easier than Benji had anticipated it would be. “Because I don’t think you’re going to like it.”
“I don’t like much of what Jay suggests,” Diego said wryly. “So I’m not really surprised by that. Still, if you’d like some advice, I’d be happy to give you my opinion, officially.”
“What about tonight? Are you free?” Benji took a risk and leaned nearer, letting his breath brush right against Diego’s neck. He saw Diego’s pupils dilate and he swayed even closer, wanting to kiss him just about as much as he wanted to keep breathing. “We could talk about it and maybe even spend some quality time together.” The problem with spending all day and sometimes all evening at the studio was that neither of them particularly liked public displays of affection—the exact opposite of Leo and Caleb—which meant that they’d barely touched each other in days.
Benji wasn’t entirely sure that Diego was still going to want to have sex with him after he told him what Jay had suggested, but his conscience was screaming that he’d put off this conversation long enough.
“I wish I could,” Diego murmured apologetically, “but I promised Vicky I’d take Ana super early and go to the park. I’ve barely seen her since Disneyland.”
“Shit,” Benji said.
“I know, I know,” Diego soothed, and wrapped a hand around Benji’s hip. They were in the hallway outside the VIP room, so theoretically the only people who could see them were bandmates and Felix. Still, Benji’s heart raced at the chance someone might see. This, unlike the photos from Disneyland, could not possibly be interpreted as platonic.
“We’ll figure something out,” Benji said. “Tomorrow night, why don’t we tell everyone we’re quitting at a decent hour. We’ve made progress, and it’s not like we need to rush this album out.”
Leo would absolutely make a rude and almost certainly sexually explicit comment when he heard Benji’s suggestion, but he was willing to swallow that potential embarrassment if it meant he could get an evening free with Diego.
“Sounds good to me,” Diego said, eyes shining. “I’ve missed you.” His fingers tightened on Benji’s hip and Benji felt nearly lightheaded with how much he wanted the man in front of him. How had they gone so fucking long without touching each other? How had they even survived before? Three days now and it felt like the end of the world.
“I remember,” a very smug voice called out from behind them, “when you claimed Caleb and I were the worst, but that is so completely untrue I want a do-over.”
Benji squeezed his eyes shut, all that pent-up frustration banking inside him like a blaze. “Leo,” he said, pulling away from Diego even though it physically hurt to.
Leo was leaning against the opposite wall, grinning. “Seriously,” he said. “You guys are like a pair of romance novel characters. All this hopeless, endless pining. You wouldn’t even guess you were already sleeping together.”
Diego rolled his eyes. “You read romance novels, Leo?”
“I read some of Felix’s, yeah. He loves them.” Leo grinned. “Don’t knock them, they’re pretty good, actually.”
“I actually prefer erotica,” Diego said, and Benji fisted his hands, wanting nothing more than to drag Diego to a conveniently dark corner and reenact all his favorite scenes.
“What about you, Benji?” Leo asked. “Puppy play? Age gap? Oooh, I bet you just love friends-to-lovers stories, don’t you?”
Benji could feel his eyes grow wider. But Diego intervened before he actually had to answer. “Benji’s too busy to read, you know he’s always out conquering the music industry,” Diego said, and to Benji’s surprise, actually sounded proud of that fact. Before this moment, Benji would have guessed that Diego’s response to all his hard work was: why?
Maybe their conversation tomorrow night wouldn’t go so badly after all. Maybe, if Benji could figure out if he was ready to come out on a wide scale, and if he negotiated
Ana’s absence, Diego might even be willing to participate in Jay’s scheme.
“No more work talk,” Leo announced as they walked into the VIP room, with its three neon-decorated bowling lanes. “We’re here to party!”
Diego leaned closer to Benji. “Do you think he’ll ever outgrow his twelve-year-old persona?”
Benji shook his head, amused. “Or his twelve-year-old height?”
Leo scowled, but Caleb, leaning against one of the big, plushy chairs, just laughed. “I heard that,” Leo said snidely.
“Hey, look, everyone’s here!” Max exclaimed, walking in last, with Felix right in front of him. “And guess what I found.” He waved a crumpled piece of paper that looked like it had been through World War Three.
“I really hope that’s not what I think it is,” Benji said darkly.
Max danced closer to them and waved it distractingly in front of their faces. “Sorry to be a party pooper, but it’s exactly what it is! I found it last night.”
“We broke at two in the morning,” Diego said with disbelief.
“Yeah, well, I wanted to find it. Besides, we’re all night owls, right?”
They all were, but to go searching for a piece of paper they’d made a bet on ten years ago at two in the morning was extreme even for them. But then Max had always been the most extreme.
“So what does it say?” Felix asked with excitement. “I’m almost certain I won.”
Leo shot his younger brother a half-hearted glare. “Of course you didn’t win, I won!”
“Actually,” Caleb inserted, “it was almost definitely me.”
“Au contraire,” Max said, grinning, “it was me!”
“You,” he continued, pointing to Leo, “said never, which isn’t really a time frame, by the way. Of course this was long before we were ever famous, and you probably thought in five years we wouldn’t even be friends. Felix said six months.” Felix made a face. “It’s okay,” Max said, reassuring him, “you were thirteen, you probably didn’t know the length and breadth of how extreme sexual tension could be.”
From the look Felix shot Max, it appeared that was no longer true.
“What about me?” Caleb asked.
“Two months.” Max stuck out his tongue. “That’s about how long you lasted staying ‘just friends’ with Leo, wasn’t it?”
“Little less than that,” Caleb admitted with a grin, and Leo, apparently mollified by how cute his boyfriend was, wrapped his arms around him.
“What was your guess, Max?” Diego asked.
Max smiled deviously. “I obviously picked the longest time frame, so I naturally win the bet. Which was ten dollars, by the way, I expect all you to pay me ASAP.”
“And that was?” Benji pushed. He was actually curious how long Max had believed it would take for them to get together.
“I actually said five years,” Max said.
It shouldn’t have hit Benji hard, but one of his best friends had thought it would take him five years to own up to his feelings for Diego? That was sort of fucked up. And frankly, considering what he was contemplating doing, based on Jay’s suggestion, it probably wasn’t much of a surprise. He’d always cared what things looked like, how they were presented to the world, and that was before he’d even been famous. Now that he was famous, the inclination was a lot harder to tamp down and ignore.
“Are we going to bowl or not?” Leo asked loudly, interrupting Benji’s self-flagellation. “We should have teams.”
“Clearly it should be you and Caleb and me,” Felix said. “And Benji and Diego and Max.”
“What,” Leo said, shooting a knowing look at his baby brother, “you’re willing to be separated from Max this time around?”
Felix batted his eyelashes. “I spend many, many hours with Max now. I think I’m okay.”
“Well, as long as you don’t feel slighted in any way,” Leo said, and even though the idea for Felix to work for them had been his, and Benji had negotiated the contract per his instructions, he didn’t sound particularly happy about that fact.
As Felix wandered off to search for a ball that would fit his small hands, Leo walked up to Benji. “I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea.”
“Bowling?” Benji questioned. “Or Felix working for us?”
“I don’t mind the working part, that’s not the problem. Caleb and I just . . . we’re not used to someone else being in the house.”
“I feel sorry for him now,” Benji said, grinning. “How many times have you embarrassed him so far?”
“That’s the thing about Felix,” Leo complained, “he doesn’t care. It’s like he’s immune to embarrassment. He doesn’t even bat an eye! He just keeps walking past, like I don’t have Caleb’s cock in my mouth. It’s . . . deeply disturbing. I need to get him out of the house.”
Benji shot his friend a look. “He’s been there for two days.”
“Don’t you own another bungalow someplace? Can’t he stay there?”
“I sold that place ages ago,” Benji said with a shake of his head. “But I’m sure we can come up with some place he can stay. You could always put him up in a nice hotel, in the meantime, you know Felix would love that.”
Leo glanced over at where Caleb and Diego were talking near the rack of bowling balls. “Caleb won’t hear of it. Some magical situation needs to open up where it doesn’t feel like I’ve kicked him out for putting a crimp into my sex life.”
“God forbid,” Benji said with amusement. “I’ll see what I can do. Maybe I could stay with Diego for a bit, he’s got a huge house, and Felix could move into my place.”
“You’d do that?” Leo sounded so hopeful, Benji couldn’t help but laugh.
“Move in with the super hot guy I’ve only been in love with forever? Yeah, I can’t see why I’d make that sacrifice for you,” Benji said wryly.
“You’re the best,” Leo said fervently. “And the sooner the better. I’m getting blue balls over here.”
“I’ll need to talk to Diego about it, and not make it weird, like, hey, I know we just started dating, but I want to move in with you.” Benji pondered this. “Is there a way to make that not weird?”
Leo thought for a moment, and then smacked Benji loudly on the arm. “Diego is crazy about you. He’d love the idea. It’s not going to be weird. He’s probably even going to be sad he didn’t think of it first.”
Benji couldn’t help but remember the other painful conversation he was going to have. “Just let me figure it out,” he told Leo. “Don’t say anything until we’ve settled it.”
“Sure, of course,” Leo said sincerely. Which should have been Benji’s clue that he wasn’t sincere at all, but he was frankly preoccupied with the whole Jay problem, and he didn’t look closer. Always a mistake when you were dealing with Leo, who could be a crafty asshole.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Benji watched as Diego slowly and methodically started to open the bottle of red wine that he’d just brought over and tried not to fidget with nerves. He glanced over toward the bank of windows overlooking the valley, and the piano with its stacked music caught his eye.
He knew Diego worked on music, but it struck him suddenly that he’d never heard any of it, except for that one time he’d played Benji his version of “Violet.”
That experiment hadn’t ended well for anyone. Benji hadn’t understood why Diego wanted to continue holding on to something that had been an objective failure, and he knew Diego’s feelings had been hurt at how unreceptive he’d been at the idea.
But there was clearly a lot more music sitting on the piano than just variations of “Violet.” He wandered over, and casually, without trying to attract Diego’s attention, started to sift through the pile. Lots of unfinished songs, some with no music, some with no lyrics, some with only a handful of both. But there was enough that made it clear that even though Diego had claimed he hadn’t been working on anything special during the last five years, that was at least partially untrue.
“Feel like playing something?” Benji turned and Diego was standing there, two glasses of wine in his hands. He passed one to Benji and frowned. “That’s all private.”
Benji swallowed his protests. He could argue that Diego was still hiding things, but since he was guilty of the same thing, it was terribly hypocritical.
Instead of saying anything, he sat down and patted the couch seat next to him. “Come sit with me,” Benji said.
Diego’s frown melted away, and he came over, cuddling right next to Benji after he’d sat down. “What was it you wanted to tell me about?” he asked, after they sat there for a moment in complete, companionable silence.
Benji took a sip of his wine and then set the glass down on the coffee table in front of them. “Jay has done some market research and thinks there’s some room for my profile to grow—and yours, too,” he said. “He offered me two strong options to make that happen. One of them, he’s been pushing for a few weeks now, almost since we got back to LA. You know Rochelle Andrews?”
Diego nodded.
“Well,” Benji said with a sigh, “he wants me to pretend to date her.”
Diego looked surprised, his expression almost certainly mirroring Benji’s own when Jay had first told him. “She would do that?” he asked.
Benji smiled wryly. “She would. And I’m going to pretend not to be insulted by that question.”
“It’s just that . . . I mean, she’s gorgeous. And a supermodel.”
“Yeah,” Benji said, reaching out and tucking a strand of hair behind Diego’s ear. “But the guy I’m dating happens to be even more gorgeous.”
“Yeah, okay,” Diego said with a laugh. “But really, that’s what Jay wants you to do? To fake date a supermodel?”
“Or . . .” Benji took a deep breath. He’d thought a lot about this the last twenty-four hours, and how best to present it to Diego so he wouldn’t freak out. He wasn’t sure that was even possible, but presentation did matter. “Or he thinks that maybe we should go public.”