Impossible Things (Star Shadow Book 2)

by Beth Bolden

  “We . . . as in you and me,” Diego stated. He sounded calm but a little perturbed. “You would be willing to do that?”

  “I’ve worked for global superstardom my entire life, is it a little of a mental adjustment to think coming out as queer will actually add to that? Yeah, I’m not going to lie. I would rather keep my private life private, and I know you want to do that too. But I can’t deny it’s helped Leo and Caleb.”

  It was impossible to miss Diego pulling back just enough that his thigh was no longer pressed entirely against Benji’s. “That’s what you want? To come out so we can become Leo and Caleb?”

  “No, I mean, Jay wants that. But we can come out for any reason we want. Not hiding anymore would be a good enough reason.”

  “But,” Diego repeated, “that would initially be why you’d be willing to do it.”

  Benji could already feel his careful presentation unwinding under the pressure of Diego’s clever mind. A mind he loved, but which was naturally suspicious of being used. You didn’t become one of the biggest bands on the whole planet without developing a very strong bullshit meter.

  “Maybe, yes.” He decided it was time to change tactics. “I guess our visit to Disney was sort of a social media sensation.”

  Diego frowned. “What? I don’t understand.”

  “You knew people would recognize us. You saw them recognizing us. They took pictures. Not . . . anything compromising or anything that couldn’t be interpreted as just platonic, but I guess we look good together. We look . . .” Benji glanced beseechingly at Diego, hoping he would finish the sentence, and remind himself that they were in love with each other and it had been a hard-won love.

  “We looked good together. And with Ana, too, I assume.” Diego’s voice had gone cold. “That’s what Jay wants, isn’t it? A great way to one-up Leo and Caleb and usurp their popularity. Two good-looking guys and a very cute kid. My daughter.”

  “I can tell Jay that Ana is completely off-limits,” Benji suggested, but even though he wanted to reach out and wrap his arm around Diego’s shoulders, he kept his hands to himself. He had a feeling Diego wouldn’t be very happy being touched right now.

  “But that’s what he wants, isn’t it?” Diego repeated, persistently.

  “We have choices here,” Benji insisted. “We have the ability to dictate how this looks. It won’t be like Leo and Caleb. We can . . . control it.” He’d sworn to himself he would be one hundred percent honest with Diego tonight, but he was almost certain that was a lie. Once they started the fire and fanned the flames, he really wasn’t sure they could control it. And Jay’s whole argument was that they didn’t want to.

  “You can’t control a fucking cultural phenomenon,” Diego bit off. “And what? If I say no? If I say I don’t want our relationship to be all branding and convenient packaging for the lowest common denominator, you do the same thing with Rochelle Andrews?”

  Benji hung his head. “I don’t want to. I want . . .”

  Diego got up and walked over to the window, crossing his arms across his chest. “You don’t know what you want, except to be famous, apparently.”

  “It’s not because I want the attention or the adulation or whatever, you know that,” Benji protested. His hands curled into fists and dug into the fabric of his jeans. “It’s because I have this . . . I don’t know . . . this drive inside me and it won’t be silenced or destroyed. It’s made me want more my whole life. It’s why I made us practice twenty-four seven at the beginning. It’s why I made us find a name. It’s why I entered us in the Battle of the Bands in the first place. It’s because I know what I’m really capable of, and I can’t settle for less.”

  Diego turned around, eyes blazing. “But I don’t feel like that. I was seventeen years old and had a fucking insane crush on you! I wanted to do whatever you wanted us to do. I didn’t know what it meant then, and I still don’t know what it means now.”

  That much Benji understood. “Yeah,” he agreed. “You don’t. You hide here in your house. You never talk to your manager. You write music that you never share.” He stood and walked over to the pile of music on the piano. “You’re practically a creative genius. You did stuff with ‘Violet’ that I never dreamed of. You made it a hundred times better. If I had your talent, I would never stop sharing it, but you don’t share it at all!”

  “I share it,” Diego said, hurt blooming in his voice. “I share it with people I care about. I played ‘Violet’ for you. I play for Ana, sometimes.”

  “I know my first solo album was a goddamned disaster, a flaming trash can of failure, but at least I tried. You need to find a purpose, other than sitting around and waiting for Star Shadow to do something. You are so much goddamned better than that.”

  Diego’s face morphed into a mask of pain. “You don’t think I have a purpose?”

  Benji took a deep, shaky breath. “No, I mean, no, you do. I . . . I just know how special you are. I think I know all of you, how deep you are, how beautiful your soul is, and then you show me another little corner, and it hurts that the only one who gets to see that is me. I always want more, and since I love you, I want more for you.”

  “You want me to be you,” Diego argued.

  And Diego probably wasn’t wrong. That was probably what Benji wanted, but deep down, he knew what he really wanted was for Diego to support his own dreams. To not feel constantly like he was having to justify what he wanted, the goals he’d planned to achieve. To not have to fucking apologize for being who he was.

  “I don’t, actually. You have as much musical talent as Max. You’re the best singer in the whole group, hands down, and we always fucking stick you in the back, behind a keyboard, because you’ve never said you wanted more. You write better songs, make better arrangements than Leo or me. But you almost never share them. It’s just a damn shame. I feel like you’re wasted in Star Shadow, and.” Benji paused, a sick feeling overwhelming him. “It feels like my fault.”

  He sat down on the piano bench, collapsing like he’d just been cut off at the knees. And the truth had, clearly and painfully. He did want to usurp Leo and Caleb. He’d also known these things about Diego for years, but he’d never come to him and said, you should do more. Why? Because it might mean he’d be outshone.

  How had he become the worst version of himself? Was it Jay? Or was it the ugly side of the fame machine slowly warping him into someone he didn’t always recognize?

  “No, no,” Diego said and suddenly he was there, tears in his eyes, wrapping his arms around Benji. “No. It’s not your fault. I never really wanted it. I went along with it, because that seemed easiest. And you were there, and I couldn’t not follow you around.”

  “That’s not a very good reason,” Benji half sobbed, half laughed as Diego hugged him tighter, and closer.

  “I know,” Diego admitted. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing. How did I become part of a world-famous band? I stumbled into it, and never left because I wanted the lead guitarist so much.”

  Benji sighed. “I’m not sure I’m worth it.”

  “You’re always worth it,” Diego murmured into his shoulder. “Always. You’re a good person. A wonderful person. You’re not just your ambition, I swear. I wouldn’t love you if you were. Look at what you did for Leo, over and over, for years. You saved him, even when he didn’t want to be saved.”

  Benji could accept that. He’d done some things he wasn’t proud of, but there was at least an equal list out there of things he could be. “You think that, even now?”

  “Even when I’m pissed at you, and trying to understand why you’d put yourself in this position?” Diego’s voice softened. “Yes.”

  Benji wiped his eyes. He wasn’t sure he felt much better—at least less conflicted—than he had an hour before, but somehow being honest with Diego had helped. “I don’t even know if I want to come out, at least not now, but I know we’ll need to eventually. I don’t want to hide this forever. We’ve hidden too many things, over the y
ears.”

  “Yeah,” Diego said softly, still holding him. “I’m glad you told me, and I’m going to be honest, I have no fucking clue what you should do, either.”

  Benji twisted his torso so he could look into Diego’s eyes. “You aren’t going to say I shouldn’t do anything at all?”

  “I’m . . . I’m not sure I understood before. We’re so different. Like I said, I fell into this and stayed around not for fame or fortune but for you, to pare it down to the essentials. But you’ve always been ambitious. Should you not go for it because of me? That seems unfair to ask. And I won’t be the man who diminishes the man he loves, because what he wants scares him.”

  Benji cupped Diego’s cheek. “It scares you?”

  “It fucking terrifies me,” Diego admitted wryly. “Being the new Leo and Caleb? They have a pack of bloodsuckers that follow them around. It terrifies me that it doesn’t terrify you. But I also see the good Leo and Caleb have done, exposing all those lies, and being honest with the world. And that terrifies me even more.”

  “And what about Rochelle? That’s an option. That’s an option, even if we want to do this in the future, someday. Not right now.”

  Diego laughed and his fingers tightened around Benji. “Yeah, I guess, but just the thought of you pretending to be with her . . . I never thought of myself as a particularly jealous person, but I guess with you, I am.”

  “So that’s a no on Rochelle then,” Benji said with an air of finality that would have Jay gnashing his teeth in frustration.

  “Unless you want me to mark you clearly as mine, first,” Diego said, a trifle smugly.

  His proprietary tone sent a spike of electricity down Benji’s spine, sizzling along his nerves, and ending in his dick. “You want to do that,” he said softly, tipping his forehead against Diego’s, reveling in how close he was allowed now, “I’m never going to stop you.”

  He could feel rather than see Diego’s grin. “Oh, really?

  “But since that’s out of the question now,” Diego continued, after a long, charged pause, “maybe I should let you mark me instead.”

  “Yeah,” Benji agreed fervently. It had been too fucking long since he’d seen his lover naked. He could feel the growing ridge of Diego’s dick against his hip, and his own cock was straining against the zipper of his jeans.

  “Right here,” Diego said. “You said you wanted to suck my cock. Do you still want to?”

  Did he still want to? Was grass green? The sky blue? Was he madly and completely in love with Diego Gonzalez?

  “Yeah, yeah,” Benji said in a rush, disentangling from Diego’s grasp and falling in a graceless heap to the floor in front of the piano bench. Diego swung his other leg over and Benji shifted himself until he was between them.

  “You do want this,” Diego said, reaching up to flick open his jeans and pull down the zipper. “Eager, even.”

  “God,” Benji said fervently, as inch by inch of Diego’s gorgeous legs were revealed, and his hard cock, outlined in his dark gray briefs. “I haven’t touched you in three days. It felt like a hundred.”

  Diego grinned. “How did you manage for ten years before?”

  Benji shot him a dark look before reaching up and palming his dick through his briefs, making Diego tip his head back and groan. “It was a challenge. And I plan on making up for lost time.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?” Diego teased back.

  “Nothing.” Benji tugged down his briefs, and his cock sprung free, hard and wet at the tip, leaving a smear of precome on Diego’s toned stomach.

  But even though that particular sight was tempting almost beyond belief, Benji shoved aside the temptation, and rose up on his knees, instead stripping off Diego’s shirt and smoothing a hand down his chest, fingers trailing across the rose tattoo.

  “Gorgeous,” Benji said in a hushed, reverent voice. “I fucking love this.” His fingers wandered, tweaking one nipple, and then another, as Diego gripped the edge of the piano bench, panting.

  “You always say that,” Diego said.

  “It’s always true,” Benji swore. He leaned forward and, carefully avoiding Diego’s cock, pressed a kiss to the inside of his thigh. Diego whined in frustration, but Benji remembered how hot it had been the other night, when he’d been so worked up, so turned on, he was nearly beyond words. He wanted that all the time, this beautiful man putty in his hands.

  Also, he had said, maybe you should mark me instead. So instead of another gentle kiss, he sucked in a tiny love bite to the other thigh, and it looked so gorgeous on Diego’s skin, he did another, and then another, the taste of Diego sharp and perfect on his tongue.

  When he finally pulled his mouth away, there was a chain of love bites mimicking the thorny stem of the rose that wrapped around Diego’s chest and side. Their eyes met, Diego’s hazy with desperate pleasure.

  “Please,” he begged and that wasn’t quite as insensible as Benji wanted him, but the night was young; he could always continue demolishing Diego after giving him an orgasm to take the edge off.

  He slipped Diego’s cock into his mouth, swirling around the beads of precome onto his tongue and sucking when he moaned, loudly.

  Diego’s fingers wove into his short hair and tugged, pulling him down lower, and while he knew he didn’t have much experience, he’d fantasized about this enough that he knew exactly what he wanted to do. And from Diego’s groans and exclamations, he was enjoying this just as much as Benji was.

  “Close,” Diego said as Benji’s fingertips dug into the chain of love bites he’d bitten into his thighs, and he gave an extra insistent suck and felt the reward of Diego’s orgasm begin to pump down his throat. He swallowed and his fingers trembled against Diego’s thigh with the force of his own arousal.

  “Come here,” Diego said drowsily, reaching down for Benji’s dick. In the end, all it took was a few haphazard strokes through his own briefs and he was coming in them, light pulsing behind his eyes at the force of his own orgasm. He’d always heard that it was arousing to arouse others, but he’d never felt it to this extent before, not ever like Diego made him feel.

  After they cleaned up, Diego suggested they take a long hot soak in his bath, and so he picked up his wine and followed. He’d sort of expected that the conversation part of the evening was over, but to his surprise, Diego picked it back up again.

  “I know I don’t want you and Rochelle,” he said, as he turned on the water, “and I know I don’t want you to turn down an opportunity because of me. So I guess that leaves us doing this thing that Jay wants.”

  Benji opened his mouth to protest—even though it was what he had wanted all along. He just hadn’t wanted Diego to sound so resigned when he agreed, so forced.

  “No,” Diego said resolutely. “I . . . may not be one hundred percent on board with this yet, and I still need to find a way I’m comfortable doing it—and so do you, I might add—but it’s not the wrong choice completely. We don’t want to end up like Leo and Caleb. We tried for so long to avoid their fate, and I feel like the most vital part we need to learn from them is that being honest is always easier than lying. Even lying by omission. And by not telling anyone, by keeping us a secret for a long time, we’d be lying.”

  “Okay,” Benji said hesitantly. “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m not sure of anything,” Diego said wryly, turning back toward him. “And like I said, I need to find a way we can do this where I’m comfortable, where Vicky is comfortable, where Ana is comfortable. And where you’re comfortable. Is that acceptable?”

  It was far more than Benji had ever expected to receive. “Thank you,” he said, wrapping his arms around Diego’s naked torso and burrowing into his neck. “Thank you.”

  Diego laughed. “Don’t thank me just yet.”

  ———

  “He what,” Jay spat out vehemently. “He needs to figure out how to do it? I told you I had already figured out the way to do it.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s goi
ng to be more of a compromise than you’re used to. He wants to figure out how to preserve some of his and his daughter’s privacy,” Benji said apologetically, hating himself a little for the placating tone he was using. He should be defending Diego’s decision to try to make it less painfully public for everyone, but Jay was right—the whole point of his plan was the painfully public part.

  “What you’re really telling me,” Jay said impatiently, “is this is as good as we’re going to get so we should just accept there’s going to be some restrictions.”

  “Yes.”

  Jay sighed, and his frustration radiated through the phone. Benji leaned back against the brick wall outside the studio and wished that he hadn’t had to spend his short break during the day dealing with this situation instead of making out with Diego in any dark corner they could find.

  “And when will I find out about these mysterious restrictions?” Jay asked. Benji wasn’t surprised at how impatient he sounded. He knew Jay wanted to capitalize on his trip with Diego to Disneyland, but Benji was so grateful that Diego had even agreed to consider the plan that he wasn’t planning on rushing him.

  “Whenever Diego is ready,” Benji said, and this time his voice was solid, steady. Certain. Daring Jay to argue with him, because he wasn’t going to let Jay steamroll over Diego’s very understandable concerns.

  Jay grumbled under his breath, and Benji was glad he couldn’t hear exactly what he said, because it probably wouldn’t be something he liked.

  “Also,” Benji added, because what Diego had said yesterday about what he wanted being important too, had finally begun to sink in, “I don’t want us to release that tour video.”

  “You know,” Jay drawled, “people will find it. I can’t stop people from finding it. The internet is forever.”

  “I know that,” Benji sighed. “But let’s not steer people toward it, okay? I know what it looks like to you, but it’s something else to us.”