Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  OLYMPIO

  How subservient have I proved to you to-day, how attentive to your pleasure!

  STALINO

  How surely, so long as I live, will I prove more of a well-wisher to you than to my own self! How will I this day give full many a kiss to Casina! How will I, unknown to my wife, right pleasantly enjoy myself!

  CHALINUS

  apart . Oho! Now, faith,at last I’ve got into the right track. It’s himself that’s dying for Casina. I’ve caught the fellows.

  STALINO

  Even now, by my troth, am I longing to embrace her; even now to be kissing her.

  OLYMPIO

  Do let her be brought out first from the house. Why the plague are you in such a hurry?

  STALINO

  I’m in love.

  OLYMPIO

  But I don’t think that this can possibly be managed to-day.

  STALINO

  It can, if, indeed, you think that you can possibly receive your freedom to-morrow.

  CHALINUS

  apart . Why, really, I must make still better use here of my ears; now, in one thicket, I shall be cleverly catching two boars.

  STALINO

  pointing to the house of ALCESIMUS . At the house of this friend and neighbour of mine there’s a place provided; I have confided to him all my amorousness: he said that he would find me a room.

  OLYMPIO

  What will his wife do? Where will she be?

  STALINO

  I’ve cleverly contrived that: my wife will invite her here, to her own house, to the wedding; to be here with her, to help her, to sleep with her. I have requested it, and my wife has said that she will do so. She’ll be sleeping here: I’ll take care her husband is away from home. You shall take your wife home into the country; that country shall be this house, for a period, until I’ve had my marriage with Casina. Hence,before daylight, you shall afterwards take her home to-morrow.Isn’t it very skilfully managed?

  OLYMPIO

  Cleverly!

  CHALINUS

  apart . Only do proceed; contrive away. By my troth, to your own mischance are you so clever.

  STALINO

  Do you know what you must do now?

  OLYMPIO

  Tell me.

  STALINO

  giving him a purse . Take this purse. Be off and buy some provisions: make haste. But I want it nicely done: delicate eatables, just as she herself is a delicate bit.

  OLYMPIO

  Very well.

  STALINO

  Buy some cuttle-fish, mussels, calamaries, barley-fish.

  CHALINUS

  apart . Aye, wheaten fish, if you know what you’re about.

  STALINO

  Some sole-fish.

  CHALINUS

  apart . Prithee, why those rather than soles of wood, with which your head may be banged, you most vile old fellow?

  OLYMPIO

  Should you like some tongue-fish?

  STALINO

  What need is there, since my wife’s at home? She is our tongue-fish, for she’s never silent.

  OLYMPIO

  While I’m about it, I must make choice out of the supply of fish what to purchase.

  STALINO

  You say what’s good: be off. I don’t care to spare for cost; provide abundantly. But it’s requisite also that I should see this neighbour of mine, that he may attend to what I’ve requested.

  OLYMPIO

  Am I to go now?

  STALINO

  I wish you. Exit OLYMPIO. STALINO goes into the house of ALCESIMUS.

  CHALINUS

  coming forward . By three freedoms I could not be induced this day to do other than provide a heavy retribution for them, and at once disclose all this matter to my mistress. I’ve caught and fully detected my enemies in their guilt. But if my mistress is ready now to do her duty, the cause is all our own: I’ll cleverly be beforehand with the fellows. With omens in our favour the day proceeds: just conquered, we are the conquerors. I’ll go indoors, that that which another cook has seasoned, I now, in my turn, may season after another fashion; and that for him for whom it was prepared, it may really not be prepared; and that that may be prepared for him, which before was not prepared. Goes into the house.

  ACT III.

  Enter ALCESIMUS and STALINO, from the house of the former.

  STALINO

  Now, Alcesimus, I shall know whether you are the very picture of friend or foe to me; now is the proof upon view; now is the contest going on. “But why do I do so;” forbear to correct me; save yourself all that. “With your hoary head, at an age unfit;” save yourself that as well. “One who has a wife;” save yourself that like wise.

  ALCESIMUS

  I never saw a person more distracted with love than yourself.

  STALINO

  Do take care that the house is clear.

  ALCESIMUS

  Why, faith, men-servants, maid-servants, all of them I’m determined to send out of the house to yours.

  STALINO

  Heyday! with your adroitness you are very adroit! But only take care and remember the lines which Colax repeats; take care that every one comes with his own provisions, as if they were going to Sutrium.

  ALCESIMUS

  I’ll remember it.

  STALINO

  Why now there’s no public ordinance better ordered than yourself, in fact. Attend to this. I’m now going to the Forum; I shall be here just now.

  ALCESIMUS

  Luck go with you.

  STALINO

  Take care that your house gets a tongue.

  ALCESIMUS

  Why so?

  STALINO

  That when I come, it may invite me.

  ALCESIMUS

  Pooh, pooh! you area person that stands in good need of a basting; you’re making too free with your fun.

  STALINO

  Of what use is it for me to be in love, unless I’m quite ready and talkative? But take you care that you haven’t to be sought for by me.

  ALCESIMUS

  I’ll be at home all the while. Exit STALINO; ALCESIMUS goes into his house.

  Enter CLEOSTRATA, from her house.

  CLEOSTRATA

  to herself . This was the reason, then, i’ faith, why my husband entreated me, with such great earnestness, to make haste and invite my female neighbour to our house —— that the house might be clear for him to be taking Casina there. Now, therefore, I shall by no means invite her, so that liberty of free range shan’t be any way given to worn-out bell-wethers. ALCESIMUS is coming out of his house. But look, the pillar of the Senate’s coming forward, the safeguard of the public, my neighbour, the person who is finding free range for my husband. I’ faith, the measure of wit that has been sold to him, was purchased at no cheap rate.

  ALCESIMUS

  to himself . I’m wondering that my wife, who’s already waiting at home, dressed out, to be sent for, hasn’t been invited by this to my neighbour’s here. But see, here she is; she’s come to fetch her, I guess. Going up to CLEOSTRATA. Good day, Cleostrata!

  CLEOSTRATA

  And you the same, Alcesimus. Where’s your wife?

  ALCESIMUS

  She’s waiting in-doors for you to send for her; for your husband requested me to send her to help you. Do you wish me to call her? Going towards the door.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Let it alone; I don’t care; * * if she’s busy.

  ALCESIMUS

  She’s at leisure.

  CLEOSTRATA

  I don’t care about it; I don’t want to be troublesome to her; I’ll see her at a future time.

  ALCESIMUS

  Are you not getting ready for a wedding there at your house?

  CLEOSTRATA

  I am getting ready and making preparations.

  ARC.

  Don’t you require an assistant then?

  CLEOSTRATA

  We have enough at home. When the marriage has taken place, then I’ll call upon her; for the
present, farewell, and bid her the same from me. Goes into her house.

  ALCESIMUS

  to himself . What am I to do now? To my sorrow. I’ve done a most disgraceful action for the sake of that vile and toothless goat, who has engaged me in this. I’ve promised the aid of my wife out of doors, as though to go lick dishes like a dog. A worthless fellow, to tell me that his wife was going to send for her, whereas she herself declares that she does not want her. And upon my faith, it’s a wonder if this female neighbour of mine hasn’t already her suspicions of this. But yet, on the other hand, when I reflect with myself on this notion, if there were anything of that, there would have been enquiries of me. I’ll go in-doors, that I may lay up the ship again in the dockyard. Goes into his house. Enter CLEOSTRATA, from her house.

  CLEOSTRATA

  to herself . Now he has been finely made a fool of. In what a bustle are these unfortunate old fellows. Now I do wish that that good-for-nothing decrepit husband of mine would come, that I might make a fool of him in his turn, after I have thus fooled the other one. For I long to make a bit of a quarrel between these two. But look, he’s coming. Why, when you see him so serious, you’d think him a decent person. She stands on one side, unseen.

  Enter STALINO.

  STALINO

  aloud, to himself . It’s a great folly, to my notion at least, for any man that’s in love to go to the Forum on that day on which the object which he loves is close at hand; as I in my folly have been doing; I’ve spent the day, standing pleading for a certain relative of mine, who, faith, I’m very delighted has lost his cause; so that he hasn’t for nothing chosen me as his advocate to-day. He ought first to ask and make enquiry, whether his mind is at home or not at home, whom he’s choosing for his advocate; if he says it isn’t, without his mind he should send him off home. Catches sight of his wife. But look, there’s my wife before the house! Alas! wretch that I am! I’m afraid that she isn’t deaf, and has heard this.

  CLEOSTRATA

  apart . By my troth, I have heard it to your great cost.

  STALINO

  I’ll go nearer to her. Goes up to CLEOSTRATA. What are you about, my delight?

  CLEOSTRATA

  I’ faith, I was waiting for you.

  STALINO

  Are the things ready now? Have you by this brought over here to our house this female neighbour of yours, who was to assist you?

  CLEOSTRATA

  I sent for her as you requested me; but this companion of yours, your very good friend, was in a pet with his wife about something, I don’t know what; he said, when I went to fetch her, that he wouldn’t send her.

  STALINO

  That’s your greatest fault; you are not courteous enough.

  CLEOSTRATA

  It’s not the part of matrons, but of harlots, to be showing courtesies, my husband, to the husbands of others. Go yourself and fetch her; I wish to attend in-doors, my husband, to what is requisite to be done.

  STALINO

  Make haste then.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Very well. Aside. Now, faith, I shall inspire some apprehensions in his heart. I’ll this day render this lovesick man completely miserable. She goes into the house.

  Enter ALCESIMUS, from his house.

  ALCESIMUS

  to himself . I’ll go see here if the lover has come back home from the Forum, who, an old ghost, has been making fools of myself and my wife. But see, there he is before his house. Addressing STALINO. I’ faith, ’twas just in good time I was coming to your house.

  STALINO

  And, i’ faith, I to yours. How say you, you good-for-nothing fellow? What did I enjoin you? What did I beg of you?

  ALCESIMUS

  What’s the matter?

  STALINO

  How nicely you’ve had your house empty for me! How well you have sent your wife over to our house here! Isn’t it through yourself that I and the opportunity are lost, both of us?

  ALCESIMUS

  Why don’t you go hang yourself? Why, ’twas you yourself said that your wife would come and fetch mine from our house?

  STALINO

  Then she declares that she has been to fetch her, and that you said you wouldn’t let her go.

  ALCESIMUS

  But she herself, of her own accord, said to me that she didn’t care for her assistance.

  STALINO

  But ’tis she herself who has deputed me to come and fetch her.

  ALCESIMUS

  But I don’t care for that.

  STALINO

  But you are proving my ruin.

  ALCESIMUS

  But that’s as it should be. But I shall still go on delaying; but I very much long for nothing but to do you some mischief; but I’ll do it with pleasure. Never this day shall you have a “but” the more than I. But, in fine, really, upon my faith, may the Gods confound you.

  STALINO

  What now? Are you going to send your wife to my house?

  ALCESIMUS

  You may take her, and be off to utter and extreme perdition, both with her and with that one of yours, and with that mistress of yours as well. A way with you, and attend to something else; I’ll at once bid my wife to pass thither through the garden to your wife.

  STALINO

  Now you are proving yourself a friend to me in genuine style! ALCESIMUS goes into his house. Under what auspices am I to say that this passion was inflicted upon me, or what have I ever done amiss towards Venus, that when I’m thus in love crosses so many should befall me in my path? A noise is heard. Hey day! what’s that noise, prithee, that’s going on in our house?

  Enter PARDALISCA, running out of the house.

  PARDALISCA

  bawling out at the door . I’m undone, I’m undone, I’m utterly, utterly ruined! My heart is deadened with fear. My limbs, in my misery, are all a-trembling! I know not whence to obtain or look for any assistance, safety, or refuge for myself, or any means of relief: things so surprising, in a manner so surprisingly done, have I just now witnessed in-doors, a new and unusual piece of audacity. Be on your guard, Cleostrata! prithee do get away from her,lest amid such transports she may be doing you some mischief! Tear away that sword from her, who’s not in possession of her senses!

  STALINO

  Why, what is the matter — that she, frightened and half dead with fear, rushes hither out of doors? Pardalisca!

  PARDALISCA

  looking wildly about her . Whence do my ears catch the sound?

  STALINO

  Just look back at me.

  PARDALISCA

  My master!

  STALINO

  What’s the matter? What?

  PARDALISCA

  I’m undone.

  STALINO

  How undone?

  PARDALISCA

  I’m undone, and you are undone.

  STALINO

  Disclose it, what’s the matter with you?

  PARDALISCA

  Woe to you!

  STALINO

  Aye, and the same to yourself.

  PARDALISCA

  That I mayn’t fall down, prithee do hold, hold me. Staggers, on which STALINO supports her.

  STALINO

  Whatever it is, tell me quickly.

  PARDALISCA

  Do support my throbbing breast, prithee do make a little air with your cloak.

  STALINO

  fanning her with the lappet of his cloak . I’m in alarm as to what is the matter; aside unless this woman has been somewhere upsetting herself with the pure cream of Bacchus.

  PARDALISCA

  Hold my ears, pray do. Her head falls on her shoulder.

  STALINO

  Away to utter perdition; breast, ears, head, and yourself, may the Gods confound! For, unless I quickly learn from you this matter, whatever it is, I’ll forth with be knocking your brains out, you viper, you hussey, who have thus far been making a laughing-stock of me.

  PARDALISCA

  My master!

  STALINO<
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  What do you want, my servant?

  PARDALISCA

  You are too angry.

  STALINO

  You are saying so too soon. But whatever this is, tell it; relate in a few words what has been the disturbance in-doors.

  PARDALISCA

  You shall know. Hear this most foul crime which just now in-doors at our house your female slave began to attempt after this fashion, a thing that does not befit the regulations lations of Attica.

  STALINO

  What is it?

  PARDALISCA

  Fever prevents the use of my tongue.

  STALINO

  What is it? Can I possibly learn from you what is the matter?

  PARDALISCA

  I’ll tell you. Your female slave, she whom you intend to give as a wife to your bailiff, in-doors she ——

  STALINO

  In-doors what? What is it?

  PARDALISCA

  Is imitating the wicked practices of wicked women, in threatening her husband ——

  STALINO

  What then?

  PARDALISCA

  Ah!

  STALINO

  What is it?

  PARDALISCA

  She says that she intends to take her husband’s life. A sword ——

  STALINO

  starting . Hah! PAR. A sword ——

  STALINO

  What about that sword?

  PARDALISCA

  She has got one.

  STALINO

  Ah! wretch that I am! Why has she got it?

  PARDALISCA

  She is pursuing them all at home all over the house, and she won’t allow any person to approach her; and so, all, hiding in chests and under beds, are mute with fear.

  STALINO

  I’m murdered and ruined outright! What malady is this that has so suddenly befallen her?

  PARDALISCA

  She is mad.

  STALINO

  I do think that I am the most unfortunate of men!

  PARDALISCA

  Aye, and if you were to know the speeches she uttered to-day.

  STALINO

  I long to know about what she said.

  PARDALISCA

  Listen. By all the Gods and Goddesses she swore that she would murder the person with whom she should bed.

  STALINO

  Will she murder me?

  PARDALISCA

  Does that bear reference to yourself in any way?

  STALINO

  Pshaw!

  PARDALISCA

  What business have you with her?

  STALINO

  I made a mistake; him, the bailiff, I meant to say.