Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  PARDALISCA

  It’s on purpose that you are turning aside from the high road into bye-paths.

  STALINO

  Does she threaten anything against myself?

  PARDALISCA

  She is hostile to you individually more than any person.

  STALINO

  For what reason?

  PARDALISCA

  Because you have given her as a wife to Olympio; she says that she’ll neither suffer your life, nor her own, nor that of her husband, to be prolonged until the morrow. I have been sent hither to tell you this, that you might beware of her.

  STALINO

  aside . By my troth, to my misery I’m quite undone! There neither is nor ever was any old man in love so wretched as I.

  PARDALISCA

  aside, to the AUDIENCE . Don’t I play him off cleverly? For everything that I’ve been telling him as taking place, I’ve been telling him falsely. My mistress and she who lives next door have concocted this scheme. I’ve been sent to fool him.

  STALINO

  Hark you, Pardalisca!

  PARDALISCA

  What is it?

  STALINO

  There is ——

  PARDALISCA

  What?

  STALINO

  There is something that I want to enquire of you about.

  PARDALISCA

  You are causing me delay.

  STALINO

  Why, you are causing me sorrow. But has Casina got that sword even still?

  PARDALISCA

  She has; but two of them.

  STALINO

  Why two?

  PARDALISCA

  She says that this very day she’ll murder you with the one, the bailiff with the other.

  STALINO

  I am now the most utterly murdered of all people that do exist. I’ll put on me a coat of mail; I think that’s the best. What did my wife do? Didn’t she go and take them away from her?

  PARDALISCA

  No person dares go near her.

  STALINO

  She should have prevailed on her.

  PARDALISCA

  She is entreating her. She declares that assuredly she will lay them down on no other terms, unless she understands that she shall not be given to the bailiff.

  STALINO

  But whether she likes it or no, because she refuses, she shall marry him this day. For why shouldn’t I carry this out that I’ve begun, for her to marry me? — that, indeed, I didn’t intend to say — but, our bailiff?

  PARDALISCA

  You’re making your mistakes pretty often.

  STALINO

  It’s alarm that impedes my words. But, prithee, do tell my wife, that I entreat her to prevail upon her to put down the sword, and allow me to return in-doors.

  PARDALISCA

  I’ll tell her.

  STALINO

  And do you entreat her.

  PARDALISCA

  And I’ll entreat her.

  STALINO

  And in soft language, in your usual way. But do you hear me? If you manage this, I’ll give you a pair of shoes and a gold ring for your finger, and plenty of nice things.

  PARDALISCA

  I’ll do my best.

  STALINO

  Take care and prevail.

  PARDALISCA

  Now then I’ll be off; unless you detain me for anything.

  STALINO

  Be off, and take care.

  PARDALISCA

  aside . Look, his assistant is returning, at last, with the provisions; he’s bringing a train after him. She goes into the house.

  Enter OLYMPIO, a COOK, and his ASSISTANTS, with provisions.

  OLYMPIO

  to the COOK . See, you thief, that you lead on your briars beneath their banners.

  A COOK.

  But how are they briars?

  OLYMPIO

  Because that which they have touched, they instantly seize hold of; if you go to snatch it from them, they instantly rend it; so, wherever they come, wherever they are, with a twofold loss do they mulct their masters.

  A COOK.

  Heyday, indeed!

  OLYMPIO

  Well, well! This way I’m delaying to go meet my master with a magnificent, patrician, and patronizing air. He struts along.

  STALINO

  My good man, save you.

  OLYMPIO

  I admit that so I am.

  STALINO

  How goes it?

  OLYMPIO

  You are in love, but I’m hungering and thirsting.

  STALINO

  You have come capitally provided.

  OLYMPIO

  Pooh! pooh! Goes towards the door.

  STALINO

  But stop you, although you do hold me in contempt ——

  OLYMPIO

  O dear, O dear! your converse has a bad smell to me. Moving away.

  STALINO

  What’s the matter?

  OLYMPIO

  pointing to the baskets of provisions . That’s the matter.

  STALINO

  Will you not stop there?

  OLYMPIO

  Why, really, you are causing me ennui.

  STALINO

  I shall be giving you a grand coup, I fancy, if you don’t stand still forthwith. Catches hold of him.

  OLYMPIO

  O mon Dieu! Can’t you get away from me, unless you would like me to be sick just now?

  STALINO

  Do stop a bit.

  OLYMPIO

  How’s this? Staring at him. What person’s this?

  STALINO

  I’m your master.

  OLYMPIO

  What master?

  STALINO

  He whose slave you are.

  OLYMPIO

  I, a slave?

  STALINO

  Aye, and mine.

  OLYMPIO

  Am I not a free man? Remember! remember!

  STALINO

  Stop and stay you there! Catches hold of him.

  OLYMPIO

  Let me alone.

  STALINO

  I am your slave.

  OLYMPIO

  That’s very good.

  STALINO

  My dear little Olympio, my father, my patron, I do beg of you ——

  OLYMPIO

  Well, you certainly are in your senses.

  STALINO

  Of course I am your slave.

  OLYMPIO

  What need have I of so worthless a slave?

  STALINO

  Well now, how soon are you going to provide me some amusement?

  OLYMPIO

  If the dinner were but drest.

  STALINO

  Then let them be off this instant in-doors. To the COOK and his ASSISTANTS. Go you into the house and despatch with all haste. I’ll come in just now. Have the dinner charmingly sauced up for me; I want to have a charming meal. I really don’t care, now, to be eating in the style of your sumptuous foreigners. Be off, will you; but for the present, however, I take up my abode here. The COOK and his ASSISTANTS go into the house.

  OLYMPIO

  Is there anything that detains you here?

  STALINO

  The servant-maid says that Casina has got a sword in-doors, to deprive you and me of life with it.

  OLYMPIO

  I understand it. Just let her alone with it. They are imposing on you: I know these worthless baggages. However, do you now go into the house with me.

  STALINO

  But, i’ faith, I’m fearful of mischief: only do you go. Reconnoitre, first, what’s going on within.

  OLYMPIO

  My life’s as dear to me as yours is to you.

  STALINO

  But only do go now.

  OLYMPIO

  If you’ll go yourself, I’ll go in with you. They go into the house.

  ACT IV.

  Enter PARDALISCA, from the house, laughing aloud.

  PARDALISCA

  to herself . Upo
n my faith, I do not believe that at Nemea, nor do I think that at Olympia, or anywhere else, there ever where such funny games as these ridiculous games that are going on in-doors here with our old gentleman and our bailiff Olympio. In-doors, all over the house, all are in a bustle; the old man is bawling away in the kitchen, and urging on the cooks. “Why don’t you go to work at once? Why don’t you serve up, if you are going to serve up? Make haste; the dinner ought to have been cooked by this.” And then this bailiff is strutting about with his chaplet, clothed in white and finely rigged out. And then these women are dressing up the armour-bearer in the bedroom, to give him to be married to our bailiff in place of Casina; but the artful baggages very cleverly conceal what the upshot of this is really to be. Then too, in a manner quite worthy of them, the cooks are very cleverly doing their best to the end that the old gentleman mayn’t get his dinner. They are upsetting the pots, and putting out the fire with the water. At the request of these ladies they are so doing;they, too, are determined to bundle the old fellow dinnerless out of doors, that they by themselves may blow out their own stomachs. I know these female gluttons; a merchant-ship full of victuals they can devour. But the door is opening.

  Enter STALINO, from the house.

  STALINO

  speaking to CLEOSTRATA, within . If you are wise, wife, you’ll dine, after all, when the dinner’s cooked. I shall dine in the country, for I’m desirous to attend the new-made husband and the newly-made bride into the country (I know the mischievous habits of persons), that no one may carry her off. Do you people indulge your appetite. But do make haste and send him and her out immediately, that at least we may get there in daylight. I shall be here tomorrow; to-morrow, wife, I’ll be having a banquet still.

  PARDALISCA

  aside . ’Tis as I said it would be; the women are packing the old fellow dinnerless out of doors.

  STALINO

  to PARDALISCA .What are you doing here?

  PARDALISCA

  I’m going whither she sent me.

  STALINO

  Really?

  PARDALISCA

  Seriously.

  STALINO

  What are you looking for here?

  PARDALISCA

  Really I’m looking for nothing at all.

  STALINO

  Be off; you are loitering here; the others are bustling about in-doors.

  PARDALISCA

  I’m off.

  STALINO

  Be off, then, will you, away from here, you jade of jades. PARDALISCA goes into the house. Is she gone then? I may now say here anything I please. He that’s in love, i’ faith, even if he is hungry, isn’t hungry at all. But see, the bailiff, my associate, companion, and husband-in-copartnership, is coming out of doors with wreath and torch.

  Enter OLYMPIO, dressed in white, with a wreath on his head, and a torch in his hand, accompanied by MUSICIANS

  OLYMPIO

  to one of the MUSICIANS . Come, piper, while they are escorting the new-made bride out of doors, make the whole of this street resound with a sweet wedding-tune. He sings aloud. Io Hymen hymenæe! Io Hymen!

  STALINO

  accosting him . How fare you, my preserver?

  OLYMPIO

  I’m very hungry, faith; and, in fact, I’m not thirsty a little.

  STALINO

  But I’m in love.

  OLYMPIO

  Still, upon my faith, love, I shan’t be making any trial of you. For some time past my inside has been grumbling with emptiness.

  STALINO

  But why is she now delaying so long in-doors, just as though on purpose? The greater the haste I’m in, in so much the less is she.

  OLYMPIO

  What if I were even to trill an hymeneal lay?

  STALINO

  I agree to that; and I’ll help you at these our common nuptials.

  OL. (STALING

  joining, they sing). Hymen hymenæe! Io Hymen!

  STALINO

  Upon my faith, I’m dreadfully done up; one may burst one’s self with singing this hymeneal lay; if I do burst this way, I can’t burst any other, that I may make sure of.

  OLYMPIO

  Upon my faith, for sure, if you were a horse, you’d never be broken in.

  STALINO

  On what grounds?

  OLYMPIO

  You are too hard-mouthed.

  STALINO

  Have you ever found me so?

  OLYMPIO

  The Gods forbid! But the door makes a noise; they are coming out.

  STALINO

  I’ troth, the Gods do will me to be preserved at last. I already smell Casina at a distance. They move to a distance.

  Enter, from the house, two FEMALE SERVANTS leading CHALINUS, veiled and dressed in women’s clothes, as CASINA.

  TWO MAID-SERVANTS

  Move on, and raise your feet a little over the threshold, newly-married bride; prosperously commence this journey, that you may always be alive for your husband, that you may be his superior in power, and the conqueror, and that your rule may gain the upper hand. Let your husband find you in clothes; you plunder your husband; by night and day to be tricking your husband, prithee, do remember.

  OLYMPIO

  to STALINO . Upon my faith, at her downright peril, the instant she offends me ever so little!

  STALINO

  Hold your tongue.

  OLYMPIO

  I shall not hold my tongue.

  STALINO

  What’s the matter

  OLYMPIO

  These wicked jades are wickedly teaching her wicked lessons.

  STALINO

  Instead of being all ready, they’ll be bringing this matter all into confusion for me. They are striving at that, wishing for it, that they may have it all undone.

  TWO MAID-SERVANTS

  Come, Olympio, as soon as you please, receive this wife of yours from us. They present CHALINUS to him.

  OLYMPIO

  Hand her to me then, if you are going to hand her to me at all to-day. They hand CHALINUS to him.

  STALINO

  to the FEMALE SERVANTS . Be off in-doors.

  TWO MAID-SERVANTS

  Prithee, do deal gently with her who is so young and inexperienced.

  STALINO

  It shall be so. Farewell; be off now.

  TWO MAID-SERVANTS

  Farewell. They go into the house.

  STALINO

  Is my wife now gone?

  OLYMPIO

  She’s in the house; don’t be afraid.

  STALINO

  Hurra! Now, faith, I’m free at last. Addressing himself to CHALINUS as CASINA. My sweetheart, my spring-flower, my little honey! Embraces him.

  OLYMPIO

  But, hark you! you’ll beware, if you are wise, of some mishap: she’s mine.

  STALINO

  I know that; but mine’s the first enjoyment.

  OLYMPIO

  holding him the torch . Hold this torch for me.

  STALINO

  Why, no, I’ll hold her in my arms in preference. All-powerful Venus, a happy existence hast thou given me in giving me the possession of her! A dear little body! a dear little honey! Hugs CHALINUS, who pretends to struggle.

  OLYMPIO

  shouting aloud . O my dear little wife! Jumps about on one leg.

  STALINO

  What’s the matter?

  OLYMPIO

  She has trod upon my toes.

  STALINO

  aside . I’ll compliment her, as it were. A mist is not so soft as is —— Pulls CHALINUS about. A pretty little bosom, upon my faith. CHALINUS gives him a thrust with his elbow, on which he roars out. Woe to unfortunate me!

  OLYMPIO

  What’s the matter?

  STALINO

  She struck me in the breast with her elbow.

  OLYMPIO

  Why then, pray, do you maul her about? But she does not do so to me, who touch her gently. CHALINUS gives him a poke with his elbow. O me!

>   STALINO

  What’s the matter?

  OLYMPIO

  Prithee, how robust she is! she has almost laid me flat with her elbow.

  STALINO

  She wishes, then, to go to bed.

  OLYMPIO

  Nay but, why don’t we be off?

  STALINO

  taking hold of CHALINUS . My pretty, pretty little dear! They go into the house of ALCESIMUS.

  ACT V.

  Enter MYRRHINA and PARADALISCA, from the house of STALINO.

  MYRRHINA

  Having been well and handsomely entertained indoors, we’ve come out here in the street to see the wedding-sports. I’d like to know how Chalinus gets on — the newly-married bride with her new-made husband. Never, upon my faith, any day did I laugh so much, nor in the time that’s to come do I think I shall laugh more; and no poet ever did con trive a more artful plot than this was skilfully contrived by us. I’d now very much like the old fellow to come out, with his face well battered, than whom there is not a more wicked old man alive. Not even him do I deem to be more wicked who finds the room for him. Now, Pardalisca, do you be guard here pointing to the door of her house ; that whoever comes out from here, you may have some sport with him.

  PARDALISCA

  I’ll do it with pleasure, and in my usual way.

  MYRRHINA

  Observe from here everything that’s going on indoors.

  PARDALISCA

  Prithee, get behind me.

  MYRRHINA

  You have liberty, too, to say freely and boldly to him anything you like.

  PARDALISCA

  in a low voice . Be quiet; your door makes a noise. They hide themselves.

  Enter OLYMPIO, in great alarm, from the house of ALCESIMUS.

  OLYMPIO

  bawling aloud . Neither where to fly to, nor where to conceal myself, nor how to hide this disgrace, do I know; so much have my master and myself been supereminently disgraced at these nuptials of ours. I’m now so ashamed, and now so afraid, and so ridiculous are we both. But, a simpleton, I’m now doing what’s new to me: I’m ashamed at that which has never shamed me before. To the AUDIENCE. Lend me your attention, while I repeat my exploits; it’s worth your while to catch them with your ears; so ridiculous to be heard, to be repeated, are these mishaps which I have met with in the house. [When straightway I had led my new-made bride into the room, I fastened the bolt; but, however, the gloom there was just like the night. I placed, I propped things against the door; I struggled hard that before the old fellow * * * * with my bride. Then I began to be slow in my proceedings, for I looked behind me every now and then, lest the old fellow should break in * * * * *, a kiss, that provocative to lust, I asked of her first. She pushed back my hand, and allowed me not to give her a kiss in a quiet way. But then the more anxious was I, the more desirous to assert my privilege with Casina, and I longed to do the old fellow out of that task. The door I blocked up, so that the old man might not over-power me. from the house.