by Plautus
PALINURUS
Say so to her.
PHÆD.
Am I to say then to her —— ?
PALINURUS
Say what?
PHÆD.
That I’m quite undone.
PALINURUS
Well then, say so.
PHÆD.
Old lady, do listen. I wish you to know this; to my sorrow, I’m quite undone.
PROC.
But, i’ faith, for my part, I’m altogether brought to life. But why is it that you are pleased to say you are quite undone?
PHÆD.
Because I’m deprived of the object which I love. Pretends to weep
PROC.
My dear Phædromus, prithee, do not weep; do you take care that I’m not thirsty, I’ll at once bring out here for you the object which you love. Goes into the house.
PHÆD.
Assuredly, if you keep faith with me, in place of a golden statue, I’ll erect for you one of wine, which shall be a memorial of your gullet Palinurus, who on earth will be so blest as myself, if she comes to me?
PALINURUS
By my faith, he who is in love, if he is in want as well, is afflicted with a dreadful malady.
PHÆD.
Such is not the case with me; for I feel sure that this very day my Parasite will come hither to me with the money.
PALINURUS
You attempt something mighty, if you expect that which nowhere exists.
PHÆD.
What if I approach the door, and trill a carol?
PALINURUS
If you choose; I neither bid nor request you, since, my master, I see that you are of manners and disposition thus changed.
PHÆD.
sings . Bolts, O ye bolts, with pleasure do I salute you. I love you, I court you, I seek you, and you entreat; most kindly lend your aid to me in love; become, for my sake, as though play-actors from foreign climes; leap upwards pray, and send out of doors this fair one, who drains my blood for me distractedly in love. Addressing PALINURUS. Look at that, how those most accursed bolts sleep on, and none the quicker for my sake do they bestir themselves. Addressing the door. I see quite clearly that you don’t value my esteem at all. Hist! hush, hush!
PALINURUS
I’ troth, for my part I’m silent enough.
PHÆD.
I hear a noise; at last, i’ faith, these bolts have become complaisant to me.
Re-enter the PROCURESS, with PLANESIUM, from the house of CAPPADOX.
PROC.
to PLANESIUM, while opening the door . Come softly out, and prevent the noise of the doors and the creaking of the hinges, my dear Planesium, that our master mayn’t perceive that that is going on which we are doing here. Stay, I’ll pour a little water on it. Pours water on the hinges.
PALINURUS
to PHÆDROMUS . Do you see how the palsied hag is giving her dose? She herself has learnt right well to drink up the wine; to the door she’s giving water for it to drink.
PLANESIUM
looking around . Where are you — you who have summoned me on the recognizances of Venus? To you do I present myself, and, in the same way do I call on you, on the other hand, to present yourself to me.
PHÆD.
stepping forward . Here I am; for could I be absent, I wouldn’t repine for any misfortune to befall me, my honey. PLAN. My life, it is not becoming for one thus in love to be at a distance.
PHÆD.
Palinurus, Palinurus!
PALINURUS
Say on; why is it that you call upon Palinurus?
PHÆD.
aside . She is a charming one.
PALINURUS
aside . Aye, too charming. PHÆD. I am a God.
PALINURUS
Why, no — a mortal, of no great value.
PHÆD.
What have you seen, or what will you see, more nearly to be compared with the Gods?
PALINURUS
You are not in your senses, master; a thing that’s grievous to me.
PHÆD.
You are not sufficiently respectful to me: hold your tongue.
PALINURUS
The person that sees the object which he loves, and enjoys not the opportunity while he may, is one who torments his own self.
PHÆD.
Rightly does he rebuke me; really there’s nothing which for this long time past I have more eagerly desired.
PLANESIUM
Clasp me, embrace me then.
PHÆD.
embracing her . This, too, is a reason for which I could wish to live; because your master restrains, you, in secret do I court you.
PLANESIUM
Restrain me? He neither can restrain me, nor will he restrain me, unless death should separate my soul from you.
PHÆD.
Let monarchs keep their kingdoms to themselves, the rich their riches to themselves, to themselves their honors, to themselves their prowess, to themselves their combats, to themselves their battles; so long as they abstain from envying me, let each one of them keep what is his own.
PALINURUS
aside . Of a truth, I cannot refrain from giving a lecture to my master; for, really, it is good to love in a moderate degree; to distraction, it is not good; but to love to entire distraction, is the thing that my master’s doing. Aloud. What say you, sir? Have you made a vow, Phædromus, you’d watch the night through for Venus? For really, upon my faith, before very long hence the dawn will be breaking.
PRÆD.
Do hold your tongue.
PALINURUS
Why hold my tongue? What, are you going to sleep?
PHÆD.
I am asleep; don’t you make a noise.
PALINURUS
Why, but you’re broad awake.
PHÆD.
Age, but after my own fashion I’m asleep; this is my slumber.
PALINURUS
to PLANESIUM . A word with you, madam; ’tis thoughtlessness to treat amiss one who deserves it not.
PLANESIUM
You would be angry, if, when you are eating, he were to drive you away from your food.
PALINURUS
aside . It’s all over with him. I see that these two are equally in love to distraction; and both of them are mad. D’ye see how intensely they hug each other? They cannot embrace enough. Addressing them. Are you going to part yet?
PLANESIUM
No human being has blessings that last for ever. To this pleasure, then, is that plague added.
PALINURUS
What say you, you shocking hussy? What, you little tipsy ninny, are even you with your owlish eyes to be calling me a plague, you whipper-snapper?
PHÆD.
What, you abusing my own Venus? And really, is a slave well trounced with the rod to be commencing a discussion with myself? But, by the powers, you’ve surely said that to your own misfortune. Strikes him. There, take that, by way of punishment for this abusive language, that you may be able to put a check upon your speech.
PALINURUS
to PLANESIUM . Your aid, I pray, you night- watching Venus.
PHÆD.
What, do you still persist, whip- scoundrel? Strikes hint.
PLANESIUM
Don’t, there’s a dear, be beating a stone, lest you should hurt your hand.
PALINURUS
You perpetrate, Phædromus, a flagitious and a shameful deed of great enormity; one who directs you aright, you pummel with your fists; her you are in love with, a mere nonentity. Is it right that you should behave yourself in this unreasonable manner?
PHÆD.
Find me a reasonable lover against his weight in gold; here, take the gold of me. Holds out his purse.
PALINURUS
Do you find me a person for me to serve in his sound senses against his weight in double-distilled gold.
PLANESIUM
Kindly fare you well, apple of my eye, for I hear the sound and creaking of doors; I think the keeper is opening the temple. But,
prithee, in this same manner shall we always enjoy our love by stealth?
PHÆD.
Far from it; for I sent my Parasite four days since to Caria to fetch some money; he’ll be here to-day.
PLANESIUM
You are very long in your contriving.
PHÆD.
So may Venus love me, I’ll never allow you to be three days in this house here, before I procure your liberty.
PLANESIUM
Take care to remember it. Once more, before I go hence, take this kiss. Kisses him.
PHÆD.
By heavens, really if a kingdom now were offered me, I should not obtain it with greater pleasure. When shall I see you again?
PLANESIUM
Why now, for that expression get ready the Prætor’s rod; if you love me, purchase my freedom; don’t make any haggling. Take care to prevail with your offer. Kindly adieu! Goes into the house of the PROCURER.
PHÆD.
And am I then left behind? Palinurus, I’m Lilled outright.
PALINURUS
And I as well, who am dying with thumps and sleepiness.
PHÆD.
Do you follow me. They go into the house of PHÆDROMUS.
ACT II.
Enter CAPPADOX, from the Temple of ÆSCULAPIUS.
CAPPADOX
to himself . I am resolved to depart from this Temple out of doors forthwith, since thus I find the determination of Æsculapius, who sets me at nought, and chooses not that I should be healed. My health is declining, my weakness increases. For now I walk, girded with my spleen as though with a belt; in my stomach do I seem to be holding a twin offspring. I’m afraid of nothing, but that, in my misery, I should burst asunder in the middle. PHÆDROMUS.
PALINURUS
speaking to PHÆDROMUS within as he enters . If you do right, Phædromus, you’ll listen to me, and banish this sorrow from your feelings. You are anxious because your Parasite hasn’t returned from Caria. I think he’ll bring the money; but if he doesn’t bring it, by a chain of iron he couldn’t be withheld from betaking himself to eat at his manger.
CAPPADOX
turning round . What person is it that speaks?
PALINURUS
to himself . Whose voice is it that I hear?
CAPPADOX
Isn’t this Palinurus, the servant of Phædromus?
PALINURUS
aside . Who is this fellow with extended paunch, and eyes as green as grass? From his figure I know him; from his complexion I cannot recognize him. O, now I do know him: it’s the Procurer Cappadox. I’ll accost him.
CAPPADOX
Save you, Palinurus.
PALINURUS
O source of villanies, save you; how are you?
CAPPADOX
I’m just alive.
PALINURUS
Just as you deserve, I suppose? But what’s the matter with you?
CAPPADOX
My spleen is killing me, my reins are in torment, my lungs are being torn asunder, my liver is being tortured, my heart-strings are giving way, all my intestines are in pain.
PALINURUS
The liver complaint is afflicting you, then.
CAPPADOX
My spleen is expanded.
PALINURUS
Take walking exercise; that’s the best thing for the spleen.
CAPPADOX
’Tis an easy matter to laugh at the afflicted.
PALINURUS
Well, then, do you hold out for some days until your intestines become putrid. Now, while the humours are pretty sound, if you do that, you yourself might sell for a worse price than those intestines of yours.
CAPPADOX
Prithee, have done with this, and answer me this which I ask; can you possibly form a conjecture on it, if I relate to you what I dreamt last night in my sleep?
PALINURUS
Psha, this — pointing to himself — this is the sole person that is really skilled in divination; why, the interpreters of dreams ask advice of myself; the answer that I have given them, by that opinion they all stand.
Enter a COOK, from the house of PHÆDROUMS.
COOK
Palinurus, why do you delay? Why are not the things served out for me which are needed for the breakfast to be prepared for the Parasite when he comes.
PAR.
Wait, please, until I interpret his dream. Pointing to CAPPADOX.
COOK
Why, you your own self, if you’ve had any dream, always apply to me.
PALINURUS
I confess it.
COOK
Be off, then, and serve out the things.
PALINURUS
to CAPPADOX . Come now, do you in the meantime relate your dream to him. I give you a substitute better than I am myself; for what I do know, all of it I know from him. Pointing to the COOK.
CAPPADOX
Let him give his attention then.
PALINURUS
He’ll give it.
CAPPADOX
He does what few do, in being attentive to their masters even. To the COOK. Do you give me your attention then. PALINURUS goes into the house of PHÆDROMUS.
COOK
Although I don’t know you, I’ll give it you.
CAPPADOX
Last night I seemed in my sleep to behold Æsculapius, seated at a distance far away from me; and it seemed that he didn’t come near me, or set any value upon me.
COOK
The other Gods will do the same, you must know; in fact, among themselves they agree with perfect unanimity. It isn’t to be wondered at, if it fares no better with you. But it had been better for you to pass the night in Jove’s Temple, who has given you his assistance in your oaths.
CAPPADOX
If, indeed, those should wish to sleep there who have been guilty of perjury, it were not possible for room to be found them in the Capitol.
COOK
Give your attention to this; ask peace of Æsculapius, lest perchance some great mishap befall you, which has been portended to you in your rest.
CAPPADOX
You do well in advising me; I’ll go and pray to him. Goes into the Temple.
COOK
And ill speed you with it * * * * * * Goes into the house of PHÆDROMUS. Enter PALINURUS, from the house.
PALINURUS
looking in the distance, as he enters . O immortal Gods, whom do I behold? Who’s that yonder? Pointing. Isn’t that the Parasite, who was sent to Caria? Goes to the door. Hallo, come out, Phædromus, come out, come out, come out this instant, I say. from the house.
PHÆD.
Why are you making this noise here?
PALINURUS
] see your Parasite running; see, there he is pointing , down at the end of the street. Let’s listen from here what he’s about.
PHÆD.
I think it’s as well. They stand aside.
Enter CURCULIO, at a distance, walking fast.
CURCULIO
to himself . Known or unknown, make way for me, while here I execute my commission; fly all of you, be off, and get out of the way, lest I should hurt any person in my speed with my head, or elbow, or breast, or with my knee. So suddenly now am I charged with a business of quickness and despatch. And be there no person ever so opulent to stop me in my way, neither general, nor any tyrant, nor market-officer, nor demarch nor comarch, with their honors so great, but that down he goes, and tumbles head first from the footpath into the carriage-road. And then those Grecians with their cloaks, who walk about with covered heads, who go loaded beneath their cloaks with books, and with baskets, they loiter together, and engage in gossipping among themselves, the gad-abouts; you may always see them enjoying themselves in the hot liquor-shops; when they have scraped up some trifle, with their covered pates they are drinking mulled wine, sad and maudlin they depart: if I stumble upon them here, from every single one of them I’ll squeeze out a belch from their pearled-barley diet. And then those servants of your dainty townsmen, who are playing at
catch-ball in the road, both throwers and catchers, all of them I’ll pitch under foot. Would they avoid a mishap, why then, let them keep at home.
PHÆD.
apart . He points out aright, he only requires that he should speak with authority; for such manners are in vogue in the present day, such at present are the slaves; really, control cannot be held over them.
CURCULIO
to himself . Is there any one, I wonder, who can point out to me Phædromus, my good Genius? The matter is of such pressing nature, I really must meet with the man this instant.
PALINURUS
apart . He’s looking for you. PHÆD. apart . What if we accost him? Aloud. Hallo! Curculio, I want you.
CURCULIO
looking round . Who’s calling me? Who’s mentioning my name?
PHÆD.
One who wishes to meet with you.
CURCULIO
seeing him . You don’t wish more for me than I wish for you.
PHÆD.
O my own ready occasion, Curculio, much longed-for, greetings to you.
CURCULIO
Greetings to you.
PHÆD.
I’m glad that you have arrived safe; give me your right hand. How stand my hopes? Troth now, prithee, do speak out.
CURCULIO
To you, troth now, prithee, do speak out, how stand my own. Makes curious gestures.
PHÆD.
What’s the matter with you?
CURCULIO
A dimness is beginning to come, my knees are failing through fasting.
PHÆD.
I’ faith, through lassitude, I think.
CURCULIO
staggering . Support me, prithee, do support me.
PHÆD.
See how pale he has turned; will you give him a seat, for him to be seated at once, and an ewer with some water? Will you make haste, this very instant?
CURCULIO
I’m faint.
PHÆD.
Would you like some water?
CURCULIO
If it’s full of bits of meat, prithee, give it me to swallow down, i’ faith.
PHÆD.
Woe be to that head of yours.
CURCULIO
Troth now, prithee do give me cause to rejoice at my arrival.
PHÆD.
begins to fan him . By all means.
CURCULIO
Prithee, what’s this you’re about.
PHÆD.
Some air.
CURCULIO
Really, for my part, I don’t want a breath to be raised.
PHÆD.
What then?
CURCULIO