by Plautus
To eat, that I may rejoice on my arrival.
PHÆD.
May Jupiter and the Deities confound you.
CURCULIO
I’m quite undone; I can hardly see; my mouth is bitter; my teeth, I find, are blunted; my jaws are clammy through fasting; with my entrails thus lank with abstinence from food am I come.
PHÆD.
You shall eat something just now.
CURCULIO
I’ faith, I don’t want “something;” I’d rather have what’s fixed for certain, than your “something.”
PHÆD.
Aye, but if you only knew what has been put by for you.
CURCULIO
I’d very much like to know where it is; for really it’s necessary for it and my teeth to make acquaintance.
PHÆD.
A gammon of bacon, a sow’s stomach, some udder and kernels of the throat.
CURCULIO
What, all this do you say? Perhaps you mean that they are in the flesh-market?
PHÆD.
In the dishes, I mean; they’ve been got ready for you, since we knew that you were about to arrive.
CURCULIO
Take care you don’t be fooling me.
PHÆD.
So may the fair one love me whom I love, I don’t say what’s false. But as to what I sent you upon I’m none the wiser yet.
CURCULIO
I’ve brought back nothing.
PHÆD.
You’ve undone me.
CURCULIO
I can find something, if you’ll give me your attention. After, at your request, I had set out, I arrived in Caria; I saw your friend; I asked him to make me a loan of some money. In answer, you were to know that he was willing to oblige you; he didn’t wish to disappoint you, as it is only proper that a person who is a friend should be ready, and should assist his friend. In a few words he answered me, and quite in confidence, that he also was in the same extreme want of money as yourself.
PHÆD.
By your words you ensure my undoing.
CURCULIO
Why no; I’m saving you, and wish you to be saved. After this answer was given me, I went away from him to the Forum, in sorrow that I had applied to him in vain. By accident I espied a military officer; this person I accosted, and as I approached I saluted him. “Save you,” said he to me, took my right hand, drew me aside, and asked me why I had come to Caria. I said that I had come there for the sake of amusement. Upon this he asked me whether I knew a certain Lyco, a banker of Epidaurus. I said I knew him. “Well, and the Procurer Cappadox?” I answered yes, that I had seen him. “But what do you want of him?” said I. “Because,” said he, “I bought of him a girl for thirty minæ, her clothes and golden jewels too; and for these last ten minæ more are added.” “Have you paid the money?” said I. “No,” said he; “it is lodged with this Lyco the banker, whom I was mentioning, and I’ve instructed him that the person who should bring a letter sealed with my own ring, to him he was to give his services, that he might receive the damsel, with her jewels of gold and her clothes, from the Procurer.” After he told me this, I was going away from him. At once he called me back, invited me to dinner; it was a point of conscience, I was unwilling to refuse him. “What if we go off home, and take our places at table?” said he. The suggestion pleased me; it is neither proper to lengthen out the day, nor to curtail the night. Everything was prepared, and we, for whom it was prepared, were at our places. After we had dined and well drunk, he asked for the dice to be fetched him. He challenged me to play with him a game of hazard. I staked my cloak, he staked his ring against it; he called on the name of Planesium.
PHÆD.
What, my mistress?
CURCULIO
Be silent a while. He threw a most losing cast. I took up the dice, and invoked Hercules as my genial patron; I threw a first-rate cast, and pledged him in a bumping cup; in return he drank it off, reclined his head, and fell fast asleep. I slily took away from him the ring, and took my legs quietly from off the couch, so that the Captain mightn’t perceive it. The servants enquired whither I was going; I said that I was going whither persons when full are wont to go. When I beheld the door, at once on the instant I betook myself away from the place.
PHÆD.
I commend you.
CURCULIO
Commend me when I’ve brought this thing about which you desire. Now let’s go indoors, that we may seal the letter.
PHÆD.
Do I delay you?
CURCULIO
But let’s cram down something first, the gammon, the udder, and the kernels; these are the foundations for the stomach, with bread and roast beef, a good-sized cup and a capacious pot, that counsel enough may be forthcoming. Do you, yourself, seal the letter; he’ll do the honors pointing to PALINURUS while I am eating. I’ll dictate after what fashion you’re to write. Follow me this way, in-doors.
PHÆD.
I follow. They go into the house of PHÆDROMUS.
ACT III.
Enter LYCO.
LYCO
I seem to be in opulence; I’ve struck my balance, how much money I have, and how much I owe. I’m rich, if I don’t pay those to whom I’m in debt. If I do pay those to whom I’m in debt, my debts are the greatest. But really, upon my faith, when I carefully consider, if they press me hard, I’ll resort to the Prætor. Most bankers have this habit, for one to borrow of the other, and to pay nobody, and to discharge the debt with their fists, if any one duns in a loudish tone. The person that has in a short time acquired wealth, unless in good time he saves it, in good time comes to starvation. I’d like to buy a servant for myself, who now, however, must be sought by me on hire: there’s occasion for my ready money. within.
CURCULIO
Don’t you be reminding me now I’m full; I recollect and understand. I’ll render up to you all this cleverly carried out; do hold your peace. I’ faith, I’ve surely filled myself in-doors right well, and still in my stomach I’ve left room for one corner, in which to stow away the remnants of these remnants. Seeing LYCO. Who’s this that with covered head is saluting Æsculapius? Heyday, the very man I wanted. To an ATTENDANT. Follow me. I’ll make pretence as though I didn’t know him. Aloud. Hark you; I want you.
LYCO
turning round . One-eyed man, save you.
CURCULIO
Prithee, do you jeer me?
LYCO
I suppose that you are of the family of the Coclites; for they are one-eyed.
CURCULIO
This was knocked out for me by a catapulta, at Sicyon.
LYCO
What matters it to me, pray, if it had been knocked out by a broken pot with cinders in it?
CURCULIO
aside. This fellow’s a wizard, surely; he tells the truth, for such catapultas are often directed at me. Aloud. Young man, as I bear this mark on my face in the service of the public, prithee don’t be uncivil to me.
LYCO
May I then inforize you, if I may not incomitiatize?
CURCULIO
You shan’t be inforizing me, indeed; and really I don’t care at all about your Forum or your Comitia. But if you can point me out this person that I’m seeking, you will be doing me a real and a great service. I’m looking for Lyco the banker.
LYCO
Tell me why you are now seeking for him, or, of what country are you?
CURCULIO
I’ll tell you: I’m come from Therapontigonus Platagidorus, the Captain.
LYCO
I’ faith, I know the name: aside for with that same name, when I wrote, I filled four whole sides. To CURCULIO. But why are you seeking for Lyco?
CURCULIO
showing the letter . I’ve been ordered to deliver this letter to him. LYC. What person are you?
CURCULIO
His freed-man, whom all call Summanus.
LYCO
Summanus, my greetings. But why Summanus? Let me know.
CURCULIO
Be
cause, when in my drunken fit I’ve gone to sleep, I “summane” the garments; for that reason do all people call me Summanus.
LYCO
‘Twere better for you to look out for entertainment for you somewhere else; really in my own house I have no room for a Summanus. But I am the person that you are looking for.
CURCULIO
Prithee, are you he, Lyco the banker?
LYCO
I am.
CURCULIO
Therapontigonus requested me to give you a hearty greeting, and to deliver this letter.
LYCO
What, to me?
CURCULIO
Just so. Take it, recognize the seal. Do you know it? LYCO takes the letter.
LYCO
Why should I not know it? On which, a man, holding a shield, is cleaving an elephant asunder with a sword.
CURCULIO
What’s written there he bade me request you to do immediately, if you wished for his esteem.
LYCO
Step aside; I’ll look what’s written in it.
CURCULIO
stepping aside . By all means, at your pleasure, so long as I receive of you that which I’m come for.
LYCO
reads . “Therapontigonus Platagidorus, the Captain, his guest, sends to his host Lyco, at Epidaurus, right hearty greeting.”
CURCULIO
aside . This fellow’s my own; he’s swallowing the hook.
LYCO
going on . “I beg and request of you that, the person who delivers this letter to you, to him be given up the girl whom I purchased there (which I did there in your presence, and you being the negotiator), and the golden trinkets and clothes as well. You know already how it was agreed upon. You give the money to the Procurer, and give the young woman to this person.” To CURCULIO. Where is he himself? Why doesn’t he come?
CURCULIO
I’ll tell you; because it is but four days since we arrived in Caria, from India; there he now intends to order a solid golden statue to be made of Philippean gold, which is to be seven feet high — a memorial of his exploits.
LYCO
For what reason this?
CURCULIO
I’ll tell you; why, because within twenty days he singly has subdued the Persians, Paphlagonians, Sinopians, Arabians, Cretans, Syrians, Rhodia and Lycia, Peredia and Bibesia, Centauromachia and Classia Unomammia, and all Libya, and all Conterebromia; one half even of all nations has he conquered unaided in twenty days.
LYCO
Dear me!
CURCULIO
Why are you surprised?
LYCO
Why, because if all these people were penned up in a cage as close as chickens, even so they couldn’t be encompassed in a year. Upon my faith, 1 do believe that you are come from him; for you do jabber such nonsense.
CURCULIO
Aye, and I can tell you still more, if you like.
LYCO
No; I don’t want it. Follow me this way. I’ll pay you that, on account of which you came; and lo, 1 see * * * * * * * * * from his house.
LYCO
Save you, Procurer.
CAPPADOX
May the Gods prosper you.
LYCO
Do you know what this is about which I’m come to you?
CAPPADOX
Say on what you please.
LYCO
You are to receive the money, and to send away the young woman with him. Pointing to CURCULIO.
CAPPADOX
But what if I’m bound on oath to another?
LYCO
What matters that to you, so long as you get the money?
CAPPADOX
He who advises is as good as an accomplice. Do you follow.
CURCULIO
Procurer, take care that you don’t cause me any delay. They go into the house of CAPPADOX.
ACT IV.
Enter the CHOREGUS , as CHORUS.
THE CHOREGUS
By my faith, Phædromus has cleverly met with this clever rogue; but whether a salt-water rogue or a dry-land one I’m the rather to say he is, I really don’t know. The costume that I’ve lent I fear I shan’t get back. Although I have nothing whatever to do with him (I trusted Phædromus himself), still I’ll keep an eye upon him. But until he comes out of doors, I’ll point out in what place you may easily meet with each person, that he mayn’t lose his labour through too much trouble, if any one wishes to meet either a rascal or one without rascality, or an honest man or a dishonest one. He who desires to meet with a perjured fellow, let him go into the courts of law; he who wants a liar and a braggart, near the rites of Cloacina. The rich and erring husbands seek you at the magisterial halls of the Basilica. There, too, will be the worn-out harlots, and those who are wont to haggle for them. Contributors to pic-nic dinners you’ll find in the fishmarket. In the lower part of the Forum good men and opulent do walk; in the middle, near the canal, there are the mere puffers-off. Beyond the lake of Curtius are impudent, talkative, and malevolent fellows, who boldly, without reason, utter calumnies about another, and who, themselves, have sufficient that might with truth be said against them. There, at the old shops, are these who lend and those who borrow at interest. Behind the Temple of Castor there are those to whom unguardedly you may be lending to your cost. There, in the Etrurian street, are those men who hold themselves on sale. In the Velabrum you’ll find either baker, or butcher, or soothsayer; either those who sell retail themselves, or supply to others things to be sold by retail. Rich sinning husbands you’ll find at the house of Oppian Leucadia. But, meantime, the door makes a noise; I must curb my tongue. (Exit.)
Enter, from the house of CAPPADOX, CURCULIO, leading PLANESIUM, followed by LYCO and CAPPADOX.
CURCULIO
Maiden, do you go before; what is behind me I cannot keep my eye upon. Both the trinkets of gold, and all the clothing that she had, were his own, he said.
CAPPADOX
No one is going to deny it.
CURCULIO
Still, however, it’s somewhat better for me to remind you.
LYCO
Remember that you’ve undertaken, that, if any one should assert in course of law that she’s properly free, all the money is to be returned to me-thirty minæ.
CAPPADOX
I shall remember; be easy about that; and now I say the same.
CURCULIO
But I wish you to remember this well.
CAPPADOX
I remember, and I shall deliver her to you on warranty.
CURCULIO
And am I to take anything on warranty from a Procurer, people who have nothing of their own except a tongue only; who, if anything’s entrusted them, deny it upon oath? You Procurers dispose of what belongs to others, you give liberty to what belongs to others, and what belongs to others your give your commands to; no guarantee of ownership is there in the transfer to yourselves, nor are you yourselves guarantees to another person. The race of Procurers, among mortals, in my way of thinking at least, are just like flies, gnats, bugs, lice, and fleas — a plague, a mischief, and a nuisance; you are of no serviceable use, and no respectable person dares to stand with you in the Forum; he that does associate with you, they censure him, he’s spat upon and abused; they say that he has lost his property and his honor, although he has done nothing at all.
LYCO
Upon my faith, my clever one-eyed friend, in my way of thinking, you are well acquainted with the Procurers.
CURCULIO
You bankers, i’ faith, I put and place in the same rank; you are the very counterparts of them. They, at least, are on sale in dark corners, you in the very Forum. You tear men to pieces with usury, they by persuading them amiss and by means of their dens. Full many a proposed statute has the public confirmed on your account, which when confirmed you break; some loophole you find out; just as boiling water becomes cold, so do you deem the laws.
LYCO
aside . I’d rather I’d held my tongue CAP.
Not wrongfully, and with good reason, are you abusive against them.
CURCULIO
If abuse is uttered against those who deserve it not, that I do hold to be abuse; but if it is uttered against those who are deserving, it is fair censure, in my way of thinking, at least. I care nothing about your warranty, nor about any other Procurer whatever. Lyco, do you want anything with me?
LYCO
Heartily fare you well.
CURCULIO
Farewell. Going.
CAPPADOX
Hark you! I say to you ——
CURCULIO
Say on; what do you want?
CAPPADOX
Prithee do you take care that all’s well with her pointing to PLANESIUM ; I’ve brought her up in my house carefully and in chastity.
CURCULIO
If you have such compassion for her, pray, what would you give for it to be all well with her?
CAPPADOX
A plaguy mishap for yourself.
CURCULIO
You need take due care on that score about yourself.
CAPPADOX
to PLANESIUM, who is weeping . Why, simpleton, do you cry? Don’t be afraid; upon my faith, I’ve sold you favourably. Take care, will you, and be a good girl; now prettily accompany him, pretty one.
LYCO
Summanus, do you want anything with me at present?
CURCULIO
Fare you well, and health attend you. Aside. For you’ve kindly given me your services and your money.
LYCO
Give abundant greetings to my patron.
CURCULIO
I’ll give them. (Exit with PLANESIUM.)
LYCO
Procurer, do you wish for anything?
CAPPADOX
Give me those ten minæ for me to manage for myself with, until things are better with me.
LYCO
They shall be paid; order them to be fetched to-morrow. (Exit.)
CAPPADOX
Since I’ve successfully finished the matter, I wish to return thanks here in the Temple. For long since, when a little girl, I bought her for ten minæ; but him who sold her to me, never since then have I set eyes upon. I think he’s dead. What matters that to me? I’ve got the money. The man to whom the Gods are propitious, for him, no doubt, they throw gain in his way. Now will I give my attention to my devotions; it’s clear that he has a kind regard for me. Goes into the Temple.